Ex from 10 years ago has contacted me

[DearPru]

He contacted me out of the blue, online asking how I’ve been and saying he was sorry for breaking my heart all those years ago and how it’s one of his regrets in life. We chatted about old times, caught up about each other’s families etc and then I discovered he’s currently in a relationship....

Why is he contacting after all these years? I’m wary of continuing contact with him as it seems a bit shady with him having a partner (I’m currently single) he also told me he’s kept all the notes and photographs from when we were together. Again. This is something that would seem sweet and sentimental, if he didn’t have a partner.

I’m very confused as when he messaged me all the old feelings and memories were dragged up and now my stomach is in knots.

Any advice welcome x

Candyscandle - I considered asking this when he messaged me initially but I had visions of him replying ‘calm down! I’m just seeing how your doing! What do you think? I want a relationship?? Don’t flatter yourself’
But now we’ve been messaging back and forth I think I’d be more comfortable to ask him but then that might be encouraging more contact between us when I should probably just really ignore him x

I'd ask him how his relationship is going and see how he responds. 10 years is a long time.

I can understand how the ONS with a mutual friend was hard to get past for him.

I am going to be the lone voice with a slightly different opinion. I'm in my fifties and happily married but have (horror of horrors!!) a suitcase of letters and other memorabilia from previous relationships - I'm not in love with those people and I certainly don't want to get back with them in any shape or form but they are a part of me and of my life and we shared important and significant times together. Why would I chuck all that away? I don't chuck old letters or photos from family or friends away - why would I chuck stuff away from people I've been in relationships with? My OH is fully aware (it's in full sight in the spare room) and has a box of the same - it doesn't bother me.

Both of us have spoken to previous partners on FB to catch up. It's a complete non issue - they are exes and we are in love with each other and our relationship isn't going to collapse because one of us has spoken to someone we once shared a period of our lives with.

Is it possible his gf knows about him speaking to you and is unconcerned? You could always check this first before stopping contact. As for blocking - I certainly wouldn't block him - from what I can tell all he's done is apologise for hurting you and shared some special memories. Not really the crime of the century.

Perhaps he feels you're the one that got away.

I just read the bit about him never wanting to get married.... if this was me and I was a young single woman... that would be enough for me to not think about any rekindling.

There's no point.

Sandy - yep. I regretted the ONS immediately and I’m glad he at least attempted to get past it, but it was too much. He said he couldn’t stop thinking of us together and I appreciate that. This is why I think when we broke up it wasn’t because I didn’t love him or he didn’t love me. It was because something happened and we couldn’t get through it. I was wary of asking about his relationship because when he asked about my relationship status and I briefly told him my situation, he responded by saying something along the lines of ‘let’s just keep chatting about happy memories’ Strange! Why ask me in the first place?

Onemorecupofcoffee - I think it’s lovely you’ve kept memories. I’m regretting not doing the same because its always nice to reminisce. I’m positive his girlfriend is unaware of his stash because he said he keeps them ‘hidden’ and would send over the photographs when he has the house to himself so obviously not something he’d do in front of her ... x

Sandy - With regards to him not wanting to get married; I’m not sure whether to take that as he doesn’t want to get married, or just doesn’t want to get married to his current partner.

While this behaviour might seem very weird (and it is to us women, because I don't think women do it very often), men seem to do it a LOT.
As harsh as it may sound there probably is or was nothing special about your relationship or connection that is just throwing you back together 10 years later....because as I said a LOT of men do this.

I definitely wouldn't think it was as innocent as onemorecupofcoffee suggests, these men generally have an agenda and more often than not it's to get an ego boost!

Of course sometimes it leads to more like sex, or a long term emotional affair that seems to cause a HUGE amount of pain...and I would say the amount of happy endings from this kind of thing is tiny!

Thanks user1481. I’m trying to think sensibly without letting memories and feelings get in the way. I wish he’d just stayed a memory x

I’m gunna go against the grain here

I was once with an ex. It was a horrible relationship and very toxic. I was younger then and tried leaving.. he made that difficult and threatened to harm himself etc so I stayed in the relationship but was far from happy.

Rightly or wrongly I ended up contacting my current DP (who I had been with previously before that ex) and we chatted for a while about good times and bad times. I had always stayed in love with him and never got over him. Eventually I wised up and left that horrible relationship - DP and I are still together

I don’t know why your ex is contacting you. He might want a shag, he might genuinely still have feelings for you, he might just want to be friends. It’s up to you how you handle this. You either stop all contact with him or you ask him outright.

If he wasn't currently in a relationship you'd have nothing to lose and it might be interesting to meet up with him. However he is with someone - so don't.

He's just curious.

The arrogance of ‘hey, sorry I broke your heart’ would be enough to put me off. Ugh.

I don't think he's sniffing around purely for sex. I'm sure if that's all he wanted he could get it from anyone.

I'd step back and see if he continues contacting you.

I know someone who looked up an old flame on FB, but it was after her DH cheated and she said it was just to see what he was up to.

Kind of wondering what may have been if they stayed together.

It sounds like he was a decent guy.

My ex of over 20 years ago did the same, looked me up on facebook. The chat was nice at first, him apologising for being a prick to me which he was, and me replying that I was well over it. Then a bit of chat about our kids then next thing it was "do you go back to [hometown] often. And there it was. The next question /suggestion would be that we should be meeting up sometime. And I'd be upset if my DP was chatting to an ex and drifting into cosy coffees /drinks á deux with them. So I stopped replying and I got some very snide 'just trying to be friends PA type replies. So he hadn't changed all that much then

My FB profile clearly showed I was in a relationship. His was devoid of any mention of a woman. I'd known he got married to the woman after me so either it was a second FB account the wife didn't know about or he was single and not getting much hits on Tinder.

So, projecting massively, he's snooping around for a bit on the side or he's reconnecting with a view to deciding which of you he'll be with. Either way he's a shithead to be messaging any woman when still in a relationship, and you sound like you've done your stint with shitheads.

Thank you all for responding.

No further messages from his so far. I’m not going to block him, but I won’t be actively messaging him myself.

I suppose part of me hopes that he’s thinking I’m the one who got away and wants to try again, but hes in a relationship so that’s just a fantasy. I wouldn’t entertain anything further while he had a partner and I think he would know this about me.

I would love for him to be single, for us to get together and make up for time lost but like you all said, he might be chancing his arm and seeing how far he can push it.

You never know! He might not contact me again and the messages he sent may have been purely an innocent catch up x

I’m offended on your behalf , he perceives you as an easy catch for a ONS / affair. I would block him for your own mental health , he already has you posting on here at 3am mulling over his motifs . Fuck him right off the sleazy prick.

Haha lefty thank you for that very direct comment. Just what I needed ;)

And your right. I’m analysing everything and feeling like a love sick teenager x

Think about it like this. He couldn't get passed a ons when you were split up.
He's texting ex gfs when he has a partner.
If you had stayed together do you think he could have gone the distance ?
Marriage , kids ?
Life can throw up some real tricky challenges and it takes a lot of inner strength to get through the tough times.
After 25 years I have found that getting through the tough times together brings you closer.

Few years ago my dh was contacted by not one , but two of his ex.'s.

I didn't catch on the at first but turns out neither of them were 'happy' life not quite turned out how they expected, so thought they'd try their luck with dh.

Dh set them straight. (If I ever meet them )

Anyway, you're better than this.
You deserve better.
Raise the bar.
Mr Right, he mr better than ex is out there.

Thanks Robin!:)

I definitely think that I’ll be picky with my next partner. No settling for second best. I know what I’m looking for and I know what I’m avoiding. X

He messaged me again. Quick line to say he’s going to send the holiday photos over x

Sounds like he’s trying to engage with you, prob after a quick ego boost. Stay well clear

Workknewbeefstew - my sister in law says she’s waiting for a d!ck pic to come next.... I hope she’s wrong!x

Nice he has sent you the pics.

There’s no way of knowing whether he wants a relationship, a fling, an online-only ego boost, or whether it’s a 12 steps issue, without asking him. A cheery “out of interest, what made you get in touch?” after you’ve thanked him for the pictures would be a good start.

He'd only lie.
When dh's ex contacted him after 30 odd years she'd got photos, pressed flowers of the ones he'd given her ( she was married with kids )

I should have know then.

It's all very under handed.

If it looks like a duck, quacks like a duck .... etc

Yeah, I’ve a feeling when I ask him why he got in touch he’s going to say ‘oh! I just stumbled across your notes and thought I’d see how you were getting on’

I’ll keep you posted for his response x