Ex from 10 years ago has contacted me

[DearPru]

He contacted me out of the blue, online asking how I’ve been and saying he was sorry for breaking my heart all those years ago and how it’s one of his regrets in life. We chatted about old times, caught up about each other’s families etc and then I discovered he’s currently in a relationship....

Why is he contacting after all these years? I’m wary of continuing contact with him as it seems a bit shady with him having a partner (I’m currently single) he also told me he’s kept all the notes and photographs from when we were together. Again. This is something that would seem sweet and sentimental, if he didn’t have a partner.

I’m very confused as when he messaged me all the old feelings and memories were dragged up and now my stomach is in knots.

Any advice welcome x

My DH's has recently got in touch with him again. After 10 years. He hasn't replied. I think as per their relationship it's just a game to her and she wants attention. She does this every so often.

She left him btw. Didn't want to get married or have kids.

DH moved on met me.m, we not have DC.

It really upsets me. There is no reason to get in touch !!

You're already giving him way too much headspace. He's already fucking with your mind. There's only one reason an ex reaches out after so long with no contact, and that's because he's After attention, either physical or emotional. It'll end in tears, probably yours

It really upsets me. There is no reason to get in touch !!
@liitlepenguin
I'm not surprised.
Just disrespectful.
It's women like this who give women a bad name and then bleat about being 'blameless' if the wife chucks him out.
Sounds like your dh has seen through her.
Op don't be that woman.
He's just fishing.

He’s preating. It’s when you put the feelers out for cheating, usually with an ex or a safe bet. Don’t fall for it.

Just googled and read an article about preating and it gave me an uneasy feel in my gut.

Im not going to respond to him anymore, regardless how innocent the messages seem x

Hooray.
Wish Mumsnet had been around when my dozy ex tried this capper lol

I think I always knew what the right thing to do was I just wanted other opinions.

That’s it. No more happy chat. If he contacts me in years to come and he’s single I’ll be happy to happy chat x

I have a child with my ex. He broke up with me about a month after giving birth and immediately started a relationship with someone else (I think he was "seeing" her before we broke up but he always denied it). He married her a couple of years ago. We have mostly been amicable because of daughter. I have been with my partner for 10 years. We attended their wedding reception!
Ex still occasionally references our sexlife from when we were together. I tell him it's not appropriate. He shuts up. I don't think it's fair on his wife or my partner at all. When we broke up and I was heart broken, we still had a sexual relationship. I hoped he would come back to me. He didn't. He was cheating on his (now) wife.
I don't think she ever found out. I feel horrendous about this, even to this day. She's a great step-mum to our daughter.
Ex and current partner are quite friendly. They work together sometimes.

I like the dynamic of the whole relationship now.
If he started to message me randomly about our past I would ask if everything is ok (I'd show my partner the messages as well). As much as I'm "over" him, he's still my daughters father and I would be worried.

Bluemood-how awful for you! But I’m glad now your through the other side and in a happy relationship. Some men are just chancers and that sounds like you’r ex.

Well I’ve taken the steps and blocked him over the weekend. He messaged me to ask if I could send him a current photo of myself. I was a bit uncomfortable with that, not that he wanted a rude photograph, but even the thought of sending a photo of myself to him didn’t sit well with me (you know, he has a girlfriend) So I suggested he add me as a friend on social media (you know because that’s what’s ‘friends’ do) as I’ve lots of photos on there that I’ve shared and he can see them. Then he said he can’t see anything on my page as I’m private and then he said I should make my page public so he can look.

Nah. It’s not innocent if he doesn’t want people to see we’ve connected on social media. If it was innocent he’d had added me as a friend and we could have chatted or whatever. The fact he wants to message privately and have me send him photos is sneaky.

I’m out!

Well done OP. It's not easy when it appears so innocent, however that's how these things escalate. He's a CF asking for photos but not wanting to connect publicly

Definitely a CF. Even more annoying because I thought he was being so nice wanting to send the family photographs over to me. Now I realise that was just an ‘in’ to get us chatting. He’s obviously run out of excuses to keep us communicating so he went onto the next stage.

I’ve a feeling if I’d sent a picture he’d have been asking for something more the next time.

So disappointing x

It is disappointing.
I know where you coming from.
You used to think they were so perfect they could walk on water.
My dh's ex did 'add' dh on social media which he told me all about. But when I sent a friend request it was 'ignored'. .
These people know what they are doing.
And when her husband got a bit annoyed she declared he was being a bit 'funny '
No he just knew what she was like lol.

Neither of us do fb anymore.

Ps.
Asking for a recent photo is a bit obvious.
Sad and slightly creepy.

Robin - yeo! Why ask for a current photo? Because that’s him probably working up to asking for something else.

So predictable.

So there was no d!ck pic but that was probably coming next. Turns out rose tinted glasses are an actual thing xx

DearPru - not wanting to connect on SM is defo underhand but I don't get why you don't call him out on it rather than blocking him.

NK1- I don’t see the point. He’ll just deny trying to start something and likely make me feel like I’m exaggerating.

Plus I feel insulted he thinks I’m that easy x

He's done nothing overly untoward yet and now you've blocked him. I guess that's okay if you want to permanently remove him from your life. But you have to accept he is gone for good now.

You're right there is no point calling him out - he'd lie out if embarrassment.

Don't you find it odd he couldn't get over the ons but while having a girlfriend he's asking for recent photos of you , his ex?
Smacks of double standard to me.

And yes it is insulting to think you're that easy.

Good call!

He hadn’t done anything terrible. Yet. But I’d rather stop it before it gets to that stage to save the humiliation and hurt id feel.

Definite double standards Robin, but after reading the article about preating after - smellbow mentioned it, this is what people do. Contact people outside their relationship ‘innocently’ and teeter round the edge of cheating. That way if their spouse finds out, it can easily be explained without causing too much drama. This is what he’s doing I suspect. X

I think in a way this is perfect closure for you.
For me I could stopped blaming myself.
If I hadn't done such and such we'd have stayed together.
Been so happy.
It was all my fault etc.
No he couldn't forgive me because it had neither maturity nor the love I had for him.
When it got difficult he folded.

I have a dh now who is good for me and supports me.

And we've rode the choppy waters of life together.

Yep. I think so too. I hope the next mr I meet is mr right x

Good for you @DearPru
He was definitely being dodgy.
Onwards and upwards.

It's interesting all this started after your relationship broke up. Did he have a way of knowing that? Funny how he wasn't contacting you when you weren't single - if he's so friendly and sentimental.

Also recent photo lol - "let me see if I still find you attractive enough to cheat/monkey branch/leave my current gf for".