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Original poster

Ex from 10 years ago has contacted me

181 replies

DearPru · 17/06/2019 21:37

He contacted me out of the blue, online asking how I’ve been and saying he was sorry for breaking my heart all those years ago and how it’s one of his regrets in life. We chatted about old times, caught up about each other’s families etc and then I discovered he’s currently in a relationship....

Why is he contacting after all these years? I’m wary of continuing contact with him as it seems a bit shady with him having a partner (I’m currently single) he also told me he’s kept all the notes and photographs from when we were together. Again. This is something that would seem sweet and sentimental, if he didn’t have a partner.

I’m very confused as when he messaged me all the old feelings and memories were dragged up and now my stomach is in knots.

Any advice welcome x

OP posts:
thesunwillout · 21/06/2019 07:40

I long for the days when, if we were bored, or wondering about past friends and loves we'd just think about them, then go read a book or rent a video out.

The internet, has given this ability to go back in time and unearth people who may not wish to be unearthed.

There's such an opportunity to really mess with people s lives, hate it.

Original poster
DearPru · 21/06/2019 07:42

Thesunwillout - your right, there’s no hiding on social media. Most people (myself included) have a nosy streak and wonder what people are doing x

OP posts:
Robin2323 · 21/06/2019 07:46

@thesunwillout
Yes absolutely.
It's all too easy.
It totally messes with peoples lives and the ripples are far reaching.
And for what?
These 'relationships ' never work out.
You're an 'ex' for a reason.
That reason won't have changed in 10 years, 30 years, 100 years!
You've had your chance - now 'bugger' off :)

thesunwillout · 21/06/2019 08:13

I've nosed, for sure, but it's always left me confused.
We're all curious creatures.

I like a world where you just bump into people!

WhoKnewBeefStew · 21/06/2019 08:42

Thesunwillout - your right, there’s no hiding on social media. Most people (myself included) have a nosy streak and wonder what people are doing x

And that is why SM is so popular, the vast majority of us are inherently nosey

Robin2323 · 21/06/2019 12:31

Nothing wrong with healthy curiosity.
It's when you put on rose coloured glasses, look up an ex cos your bore and start to bond regardless of their relationship status.
That's just selfish.

Original poster
DearPru · 22/06/2019 04:30

So, he sent the photos over. He’s messaged after sending the photos, just a generic, hi, how’s your day type of message.

I’m beginning to think he did just get in touch to say hello... oh! And no dreaded d!ck pic or suggestion of meeting up x

OP posts:
BeckyWithTheSplitEnds · 22/06/2019 05:03

I hold fondly in my heart those from decades ago (aside the straight up abusers!) and I love to hear from any of them.

I feel strongly bonded with a group of friends from when I was 10/11 years old even though I've not seen most of them for 25+ years as I moved away. Life was less complicated then and we all knew each other as we were before life forced us to put on a face and/or choose a direction.

My university friends feel the same way. Just the group from our first year - even though we've split and gone all over the globe we all look out for each other.

I'm in touch with a few ex's - even chat to their wives. 2 I'd rather set fire to my feet than hear from and 1 I think of very fondly but I can't stalk him because his name is "John Smith" Grin.

Original poster
DearPru · 22/06/2019 05:21

Becky - haha John Smith. A real needle in a haystack.

I think it’s always nice to reminisce. I just feel a bit guilty assuming he was contacting me for no good. Although, there’s still time I suppose x

OP posts:
pog100 · 22/06/2019 05:43

He's likely to be playing a long game/enjoying the ego stroke of your obvious interest. Don't be so quick to ascribe pure motives.

MyOtherProfile · 22/06/2019 07:19

Or he may not be playing any game and may just genuinely have thought it would be nice to hear how OP is, I should send her some of our old photos.

Robin2323 · 22/06/2019 07:28

Maybe.
But staying in touch with ex's is not typical of male behaviour (imho)
Or sending Birthday cards to 'any' relative.
My daughter used to get this regularly from ex's.
Even the one she'd shared a flat with for 6 months who ended up splitting with her so he could be with a married ow from his work place. (Broke her heart)

And she would always start her reply with:

'I'll tell you, like I've told the others that #+%#'
Bless her lol

MyOtherProfile · 22/06/2019 07:32

Interesting. I have a couple of exes who do get in touch from time to time, and I know some men who do remember birthdays / send cards. I think I'm going to ask this on a whole new thread because there seems to be a consensus that nobody stays in touch with exes for any good reason unless they have to for children but that's not my experience.

Original poster
DearPru · 22/06/2019 07:38

It’s interesting hearing everyone’s opinions and experiences (good and bad)

I’d like to have thought we could have continued to be friends after we split but I was too heartbroken and found it easier to try and forget him (impossible I know!) and just cut him out of my life completely.
Had the break up been more amicable maybe we would have stayed friends, who knows.

I just hope this situation that’s happening just now for me isn’t anything seedy.x

OP posts:
PatchworkElmer · 22/06/2019 07:41

Hope he leaves you alone now, OP.

Original poster
DearPru · 22/06/2019 07:43

Thank you patchwork xx

OP posts:
Catquest1 · 22/06/2019 07:44

Im going against the grain here but i bunped into an ex randomly a few years ago and weve stayed in touch and become really good friends. We meet up about once a year - ive met his (lovely) wife and he knows all about dh. Both of our partners are fine with it - there are no secrets.

We probably have more in common now than we did 20 years. And its nice. Totally platonic. I realise that we might be the exception to the rule.

Original poster
DearPru · 22/06/2019 07:47

Catquest - that’s lovely! And a sign of how secure your hubby and your exes wife is in their relationships. X

OP posts:
Emerald46 · 22/06/2019 07:56

Maybe he has feelings for you still, thinks about you and a part of him regrets you splitting up. Maybe he likes his gf very much but still has room for missing you. It may be that he would like to see you again, to see if you both find each other attractive and get on well after all th we years. I know I'm unusual on this thread but I don't necessarily think it's a bad thing. Yes he's got a gf and it's not nice for her but it is human to long for someone else. And if you are 'the one' then he could be torn and something's made him just miss you lately and wonder if you could reconnect. I don't think that means he is going to send a dick pic or have seedy intentions. I know it's confused you but I can see how this happens and don't think he's bad for wanting to be in touch with you!

Original poster
DearPru · 22/06/2019 08:03

Thank you Emerald. I hope your right, and in my perfect world this would be the outcome I’d prefer. Its just so easy to assume the worst isn’t it?x

OP posts:
Catquest1 · 22/06/2019 08:04

In the beginning i think our other halves raised eyebrows - understandably and i think i would have been the same if the situation was reversed - but i think meeting the others spouses helped.

Plus it had been 20 years - i dont think it would have worked trying to be friends immediately after. And it was a chance meeting - neither of us purposefully sought the other one out

Original poster
DearPru · 22/06/2019 08:25

Catquest. This makes me happy. I’ve only had 2 exes and regardless of how good or bad the relationship was, I wouldn’t mind staying friends with either of them. It’s just only something that’s possible if everyone who’s involved doesn’t have any lingering romantic feelings, which in your case, there hasn’t been.x

OP posts:
Robin2323 · 22/06/2019 08:26

Maybe he likes his gf very much but still has room for missing you. It may be that he would like to see you again, to see if you both find each other attractive and get on well after all th we years.

Please NO.
What if you do rekindle the flame?

The gf isn't going to go away.
You become an option and the pick me dance begins.

The chances of you both walking off in the sunset are very low.
What if you were that poor gf?

If he were single different story.
He isn't.
He's a chancer.

You're better than this.
All women are.

And where's the trust?
He's proving he's not trustworthy contacting an ex.

And he's always going to hold the ons against you.

Ask him if his gf knows he's contacted you?

If he's not happy with her why doesn't he split up ?

Or is he just using her because he doesn't like be on his own?

None of this spells happy ever after.

loveya · 22/06/2019 08:31

I have an ex who broke up with me 3 years ago 10 days before we were supposed to get married.. I'm in a happy relationship now and pregnant... my ex tries to contact me through my friends or emails me directly.. first few messages are just nice how are you type and then he starts with I miss you when are you coming to visit and all those things...

Don't trust it and leave it

Hadalifeonce · 22/06/2019 08:33

Perhaps something has happened in his life which has caused him to need to apologise to you.
An ex contacted me a while ago, to tell me he felt bad about the way he treated me, and to tell me he was now more like the man he thought he should have been for me.
DH said he thought he was making a play for me. I even met him for coffee, and we had a catch up, nothing untoward at all, and DH was totally OK with it.

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