Just another MN cynic or are these red flags?

[Strawberryblondereally]

NC’d. Divorced 2 years ago and have been dating with various success. Met my DP 10 weeks ago and have been overwhelmed by my feelings....He has been everything I could have hoped for. We have seen each other most days since meeting initially if even just for a coffee during lunch, the sex is the best I’ve ever had, we have so much in common and he makes me smile so much....

I’m a MN veteran and have read about narcissists and the like over the years so am quite attuned to the signs....I haven’t wanted my DP to meet my DC yet as I thought it a bit early but he was very keen from the off. He has DC too. It was my DC bday and I’d mentioned in passing to him that I’d forgotten to pick her up cupcakes and an hour later he turned up at my house unannounced and delivered 48 Lola’s cupcakes. My DC opened the door to him....it was all quite awkward and I didn’t know what to do....now I know this was a generous act but I stressed that I didn’t want him meeting my DC yet and he just totally ignored it....when I confronted him later about it he accused me of being shut off as a result of my marriage breakdown....I’m not at all and my marriage ended amicably....

I’ve spoken to friends and they say he has red flags everywhere which I’ve probably just ignored to be frank....he’s lavished me with expensive gifts, taken me to fancy restaurants, holidays etc all in 10 weeks which I thought was just generosity but my friends think is alarming....he’s also talking about us living together and getting married this year which sounds ridiculously soon to me but each time I say that he gets really upset and accuses me of not loving him....

Am I being cynical here? Might this guy just be a gudun and I’m allowing my paranoia to creep in?

Oh christ.

If you're doing the week then tell him not to contact you. This is absolutely ridiculous

One analogy for you thinking that you can control the situation reminds me of people who received one of those emails by scammers, fully aware that it is a scam but who think that they could outsmart the con men. Who tell themselves that they will just play along and see if they can somehow grab the money being paid into their account and rip off the scammers instead. It’s precisely how they still end up getting ripped off because even that greed is often anticipated by the criminals. The only sensible course of action is to avoid the conman and delete the spam email. One should translate this approach to abusers looking for their next victim. You can’t win, there is no price to be had.

Wow, he had some time to come up with a good story that made him look like the good guy and pressed all the right buttons. You are out of your depth OP! I am so sorry for you and all of the pain and trouble you will have in store with this man. I hope you will have the strength to get out without too much damage.

What does taking the week mean?

Do you truly believe this crock of shit OP? He really saw you coming.

Am I being too cynical here? I get the feeling OP is secretly enjoying all the drama? Safe words, etc;

Also sounds like a bastard IF his (bullshit) story is true, clearly it's his wife's fault and he never looked back walking away from them all after that situation.

Nah he's got you hook, line and sinker but I'll wait to play my tiny violin when it hits home.

Good luck OP, see you in a few months, if he allows you access

@QueenOfTheCroneAge not just you at all, I agree with you 100%

And what gimp has to use a safe word after 10 weeks and he wants to have her on find a friend.

😂😂 it's got everything, sounds like another series for netflix

@QueenOfTheCroneAge Nope not that cynical. It’s probably quite a normal reaction to in part enjoy the ‘passion’ and drama when you had fairly normal relationships in the past and an amicable divorce. There is also that ‘it wouldn’t happen to me, I’m different’ syndrome going on. How apt that I compared the situation to conmen. Then we get the tragic email. The spin to make our protagonist sound like the tragic hero, so wounded and vulnerable and only OP’s love can help heal his deep wounds. That guy is good!

Ah, thanks @SparklyMagpie it's all getting a bit "to be continued......" for me!

If he's not respecting your wishes and boundaries, what else is he not going to be respecting if you move in with him and marry him? I'd tread very, very carefully with this one.

I'm going to assume this painful story is true and not designed to tug at OP's heart strings.

How long were they together before the pregnancy (was this a rushed relationship?)? How much time is he saying between stillbirth and him being thrown out. Did she throw him out because she wanted to try again and he refused?

The cynic in me thinks that for a man who is so keen to be part of a new family, the jump to deciding never to have more children seems suspect. I'd also want proof this is true: presumably birth records can be checked?

As I'm trying not to be a cynic I will try and see how destroyed a person would be by a stillbirth and understand their decision not to risk the pain again.

Taking the week to think about everything...to digest what others have said on here.....to digest what he has said, my concerns and whether it’s worth continuing this relationship.....
No loving of any drama.....

Yeah @QueenOfTheCroneAge getting fifty shades/dirty john vibes

Nobody is this thick surely?

@Grumpelstilskin yes I get that the frisson of drama dropped into mundane everyday life can be exciting!

"The cynic in me thinks that for a man who is so keen to be part of a new family, the jump to deciding never to have more children seems suspect. I'd also want proof this is true: presumably birth records can be checked?"

YES YES YESS!!

@SparklyMagpie well no, certainly not an ardent MN veteran!

He was so deeply shaken by the still birth that he decided he did didn't want any children...until he met yours?

Mmm hmmm. Totes legit. Of course that’s what happened. That’s probably why he can’t see much of his kids too. It’s just waaaay too painful for his delicate little heart.

Your kids and family are fine though, obvs.

But he's got adult dc you said earlier? This doesn't add up and is a load of bullshit on some level. Either a very convincing troll or more likely he's the one with the bullshit because no one in their right mind would believe that much bullshit.

I don't get what's happening in this week either? He's going to be on his best behaviour for a start to keep you hooked and the latest victim tale means you'd be a cold hearted bitch to dump him now.

You are only leaving the thread because you know we are right and you refuse to heed the advice give , instead giving him more chances to come up with bullshit. I strongly recommend therapy to get to the bottom of why you are prepared to put up with this shit and put your kids at risk.

On a positive note I'm glad that others reading this are benefitting from the advice given to the OP. Take care of yourselves

This latest story has more holes than a lump of Leerdammer. But let’s just say it were true, either way, it is all about his feelings. Self-centred much?! Straight out of the narcissist handbook! Not sparing much of a thought for the raw pain the mother would go through, which is totally on a different scale.

The biggest problem is that OP has already swallowed the bait, it’s not even about the extravagant gifts, OTT attention etc anymore. He found her biggest weakness, as others have mentioned, he gives her otherwise mundane life some drama. And it’s piqued her pride, as she thinks she can handle him and can be in control. Even if she could actually keep his narcissism in check, who needs a relationship that requires so much hard work and energy to keep the upper hand.

Wow. He sounds like a living nightmare. Mad, over invested, and a dreadful sob story.

These people are addictive but they get you involved with their need for drama, then poof, all your rationality goes out of the window.

Has he got a red room?

10 weeks and OP is already laying awake at night with worry over this bloke ffs.