Husband cheating with prostitutes - again!!

[Totallyheartbroken]

I’ve just discovered my husband of 28 years has been visiting ‘escorts’ again. I forgave him last time and really tried to keep our family together but he is obviously not as committed as I was. I’ve struggled every day for 10 years to accept his sordid secret but to find out he has done it again is beyond belief. I found out by using his google and his last search was an escort agency. I then checked his messages and read one asking him if he was ‘tired after last night’? Help.....what do I do?

OP, I'm really sorry for your situation but you have to ask yourself, which is more important, your children's "activities" or their mother's health and welfare? And their health And welfare come to that too!
Because they will be affected by what's going on, you know that.

If he's been attacking you, then you have enough to get him excluded from your house. Contact the NCDV, here:

ncdv.org.uk

They can arrange an emergency injunction to prevent him from coming to your house for six months to a year, even if the house is in his name. It's best to contact them within a day or two of him attacking you, as then it can be arranged without him knowing about it and the first thing he knows is he's served with the injunction; but even if he hasn't attacked you recently there's a very good chance that this can happen. Speak to them. They can help.

OP try to take a breath. Living in a small village can make things difficult. Perhaps do nothing till you have a bit of time to yourself. Can you talk to anyone at work - your boss perhaps? Get some time off to chat to WA?

I need his help with children activities etc as I work full time

That is an example of thinking that is described as 'not seeing the woods for the trees'. It is common in women who are living with immense relationship pressure. It is easier to deal with the small problems of scheduling and keeping the everyday balls in the air than tackling the elephant in the room.

The children's activities can be postponed until the marital relationship has ended and you have a peaceful home.

The children's activities are not as important in either the short term or the long term as sorting out what is going on at home and creating a peaceful home life for them.

The fear of everyone talking is one you are going to have to meet head on. If you are holding back from calling the police because you are afraid that the neighbours would talk and speculate when they saw the police car draw up to your house, please remind yourself that this is what is giving your H power over you.

Your silence and fear of taking action that would expose your relationship means you hand yourself to him on a plate. Getting past your reticence would empower you. You must reach out and get the ball rolling here.

Your silence is his greatest weapon. Take it away from him.

wood not woods..

The fear of everyone talking is one you are going to have to meet head on. If you are holding back from calling the police because you are afraid that the neighbours would talk and speculate when they saw the police car draw up to your house, please remind yourself that this is what is giving your H power over you.

^This.
Also you have done nothing wrong. So what if they talk and speculate. People do anyway whether a police car shows up or not.
I live in a small village too and it is hard, knowing that everyone knows your business but then I remind myself regularly that there is some secret lurking under every single roof in the village and that everyone has their problems.

My head is focusing more & more on living without him. Haven't seen him today and I've actually felt relaxed. I'm working tomorrow so I don't have to fake Father's Day.

Good luck

Honestly this bit will be the worst, you’ll doubt your decision, worry about the kids, and him (weirdly). But once you’ve actually made the break you will know it’s absolutely the right decision.

What I don't understand is that 'is this an addiction'? Is he addicted to sex? What makes their minds tick? Is it like an illness? Why wouldn't he ever try out his fantasy with me? I have no clue who he is anymore I feel like I've been living with a complete stranger and that puts the fear of God in me.

You're not going to get answers to those questions so stop trying. They're distracting you from the real issue, which is getting rid of this man. Have you called women's aid yet?

Not yet. But I will

It's not an addiction.
He feels like a powerful man when he can make women do what he wants, either because he pays them or because they (you) are afraid of him.
He fears and loathes women and is himself a bottomless pit of self hatred who is not capable of having a normal healthy relationship with anyone.

Agree with MyOtherProfile though.
Ponder all these mysteries when you are completely shot of him. It doesn't matter why he does it. You are not going to cure him of it. All he wants out of relationships is the chance to feel big and powerful by damaging others.

What is holding you back from calling Women's Aid?
They are not going to make you do anything you are not ready to do but they will offer all the help you need.

That makes sense. I haven't phoned because I don't feel up to talking to anyone about it because I know I'll be a hysterical wreck

Women's Aid are used to dealing with people at the end of their tether, OP. So don't worry about that. Just call them, and see what help they can give you. And I agree with previous posters: don't try to work out why he does what he does, just recognise that it's appalling behaviour, and you deserve so much better.

Women's Aid in my area provide free solicitor appointments. Please contact them. You sound ground down and need someone in your corner. Don't let your children think that this is what relationships are like, or they will repeat the pattern.

Morning OP. I find in times of stress it’s best to write things downs. It also helps make sense of things - put them into perspective. Perhaps print out your 1st post from here and go from there?

I once had a medical thing that was stressing me out - more because I didn’t know what it was than anything else. I knew I’d dissolve into tears as soon as I saw the GP I wrote down bullet points and gave it to him.

Also...finally seeking help and support for something can cause a meltdown - which you might find is as much from the relief of doing so as much as anything.

@Totallyheartbroken YOU ARE IN AN ABUSIVE MARRIAGE. He does what he does because he is entitled and he controls you.

Please take great care. DO NOT let him know what you are up to. DO NOT do anything before talking to a solicitor and taking their advise. DO NOT try and teach him a lesson.

Line your ducks up. Get prepared. Let people know you are a victim of DV. Are you able to remember the incidents, dates, where the bruises were? Hopefully some police officers will come along and advise you, there are two I think on Mumsnet who are DV officers.

Entitled people don't like being left and they don't react reasonably. Follow your gut instinct and tread with caution.

Lundy Bancroft quotes Showing 1-30 of 157
“YOUR ABUSIVE PARTNER DOESN’T HAVE A PROBLEM WITH HIS ANGER; HE HAS A PROBLEM WITH YOUR ANGER.
One of the basic human rights he takes away from you is the right to be angry with him. No matter how badly he treats you, he believes that your voice shouldn’t rise and your blood shouldn’t boil. The privilege of rage is reserved for him alone. When your anger does jump out of you—as will happen to any abused woman from time to time—he is likely to try to jam it back down your throat as quickly as he can. Then he uses your anger against you to prove what an irrational person you are. Abuse can make you feel straitjacketed. You may develop physical or emotional reactions to swallowing your anger, such as depression, nightmares, emotional numbing, or eating and sleeping problems, which your partner may use as an excuse to belittle you further or make you feel crazy.”
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

hellenbackagen is one of them, you might want to PM her OP, I know she's been great with advice to others.

With respect op you knew who he was ten years ago when you caught him with prostitutes the first time!

The reasons why he does what he does are irrelevant as there is not one shred of remorse. He hits you, cheats on you, and risks your physical health.

Don't be a fool op, stop playing games with this imbacile and get him out!

Call WA - as remarked, they are well used to people calling and being incoherent or hysterical.

There is an alternative too, which is to copy and paste your posts on this thread into an email and send it to them, or to type everything out, all the details, the cheating on you, hitting you, making you feel afraid.

There is an email address.
Here is the relevant contact information:

0808 2000 247

[email protected]*

Please note we can not respond to emails by telephone as safety may be compromised. If you wish to speak to somebody please call the number above.

*We will respond to your email within 5 working days. The National Domestic Violence Helpline can only offer limited information by email as we don’t have the resources to provide on-going support or in-depth information in this way. If you require an urgent response or need in-depth emotional support please contact the Freephone 24 hour Helpline on 0808 2000 247. When you email the Helpline it’s very important that you specify when and if it is safe to respond and to which email address. Your safety is our main concern.

www.womensaid.org.uk/about-us/contact/

Further down the page there are links to Scottish, Welsh, Northern Irish and Irish Women's Aid federations, in case any of these is what you need, not England.

Thank you all so much. I'm reading and taking in every single word you are all saying at you're all making sense. Today I've worked 12 hours and straight to bed when I got home to escape the silence between us. I think I will email WA it will be easier to express it all. Thank you all again God bless each and every one if you I feel so supported.

Emailing is a good start.

Hopefully you will feel encouraged to phone too once you get their reply.

masonlava what?