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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband cheating with prostitutes - again!!

204 replies

Totallyheartbroken · 11/06/2019 22:45

I’ve just discovered my husband of 28 years has been visiting ‘escorts’ again. I forgave him last time and really tried to keep our family together but he is obviously not as committed as I was. I’ve struggled every day for 10 years to accept his sordid secret but to find out he has done it again is beyond belief. I found out by using his google and his last search was an escort agency. I then checked his messages and read one asking him if he was ‘tired after last night’? Help.....what do I do?

OP posts:
Starlight456 · 14/06/2019 18:42

You are a poster who worries me .

He sounds very volatile and very self serving.

What his colleagues think is irrelevant right now. I would not antagonise this man.

The isolation and bruises suggest he has had you where he wants you for a very long time

Closetbeanmuncher · 14/06/2019 18:48

I agree with not antatonising him, he sounds derranged op. Please make your plans in secret and end this sham before he gives you an incurable disease or seriously injures you.

LenoVentura · 14/06/2019 18:48

It has recently come out that BiL has been using prostitutes for many many years. SiL had no idea - they had a "normal" sex life, he has a good, high paying job, pillar of the community, golf club all that stuff.
Turns out that he has a fetish for bondage and anal sex with very young women. He has described his sex life with SiL as depressing and boring, unsatisfying etc. He blames her for everything- if only she had gone along with him sexually everything would have been ok Hmm.
He's an addict, like your DH OP, and he'll never change. They can't give it up, they live for it. Don't keep his dirty secret, tell everyone everything and dump him hard. That's what SiL is doing.

Jamct23 · 14/06/2019 18:56

I’m sorry OP but that’s just unacceptable. An affair is awful but actually paying is down right disgusting. I would put an end to the whole thing. You work hard you take of your children, your home, your bills you don’t deserve this x

Thamesis · 14/06/2019 19:01

I'm so sorry OP, what a horrendous situation. I'm afraid I agree with starlight, this is potentially very risky for you and your children. Speak to Women's Aid as a priority - you need help to keep safe while this gets sorted.

I was in a similar situation and via GP and Refuge I got support and legal advice to get exH out of the house. We had an ex-parte court hearing to keep me and dc safe - he was not aware until order was served on him which kept him from returning home. We'd had police involvement but it's not necessary in order to get to court I think - women's aid can advise you on that.

The reason you can't think straight is because you are in shock and you've been lied to for a long time, it really messes with your head. I felt it was all an over-reaction and it felt so surreal at the time. But I followed my legal advice and support worker helped me gradually see my life for what it was, a crippling, tiny world controlled by my exH.

You are almost certainly under-reacting due to the sustained abuse you have suffered. Don't confront him yourself any more but get help to make sure you are safe. Good luck and keep posting if it helps Flowers

Jamct23 · 14/06/2019 19:02

Op I’m sorry I just read a little further, about your bruises etc. Please don’t stick around do you have family you could stay with till you feel ready to really confront it all? I really hope you are ok? What an awful situation. Thinking of you x

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 14/06/2019 19:13

OP, you have had a lot of support on this thread and now your anger is kicking in, which is a good thing of course, but I urge you to just take a breath. Women are at their most vulnerable when they are on the point of leaving an abusive relationship - it's as if the men sense they're losing control and bring out their worst possible behaviour to try and regain it.

Talking to his colleagues won't help. It will just make him angry. It will put you more at risk.

You need to just slow down and protect yourself and the children.

First step is Women's Aid. They will give you lots of advice about how to get out safely. Then an STD check. Then a solicitor. Lay your plans. Meantime, try really hard not to change your behaviour. Don't get angry at him. Stay meek. Stay safe and move when YOU are ready.

Original poster
Totallyheartbroken · 14/06/2019 21:32

I think I remember odd smells on him but looking back the days I was suspicious he would come home and run a bath for himself straight away. He's taken them for meals out too the odd time. I just don't understand why??? Everyone tells me he's punching above his weight with me. He's no looker just a charmer. To think the offers I've had from guys over the years and I've never even accepted a drink from them let alone a kiss.

OP posts:
rosabug · 14/06/2019 22:34

You say you have lived a lie for 10 years? since the time you found out. I put it to you that this has been happening from day 1 or year 2 or 3. But way longer than 10 years.

You had a child with him after you first found out? I cannot, cannot get my head around that - why? Men who are 'punters' are utter slime bags - are you sure he's not filming your children and sharing online? No? How do you know? How do you know he's not using women trapped in the sex trade - underage girls? Because he wouldn't do that? How do you know? You've had your head in the sand for 28 years - not 10. Have you been with him since you were 18 or 20? He's primed you to be a doormat.

This man is dirt.

Your language is quite minimising - you need some therapy to perhaps help you understand why you are not registering really really horrible things at the level you should be.

I'm sorry for being harsh. But if you're children grow up damaged by this - you are also culpable.

Ever heard this famous quote: He's shown you who he is, believe him.

Original poster
Totallyheartbroken · 14/06/2019 22:41

I am absolutely certain my children are not his target. They would tell me and if I'm honest he's a wonderful dad. That's why I'm shocked beyond belief

OP posts:
Original poster
Totallyheartbroken · 15/06/2019 09:28

Today I've bagged his dirty washing and put it in the shed because I don't want his infested clothes near ours. I think he knows I mean it this time.

OP posts:
Whisky2014 · 15/06/2019 09:41

Engage brain op. Asking him to leave...of course won't. You need to start the official separation and then things can get moving.
If he attacks you, call the police. You must get everything abusive logged with them from now on.
You don't cook for him, clean for him..don't do anything for him. As far as you are concerned you are split.
You don't need to go about sniffing him and you don't need evidence.

tomatostottie · 15/06/2019 11:37

I just don't understand why???

I didn't understand this with my ex either and still don't.
But it doesn't really matter why - the fact is he slept with prostitutes over several years and you don't want to be with him. You don't need evidence either. You just need to get rid.

I think my ex slept with prostitutes because he could and because he had been doing it since he was 18, like many of this men in this country where it is seen as "normal", "a rite of passage" etc.
It goes hand in hand with his general attitude that men are more important than women. Women are there to service men's needs - either sexually or at home by running the household.
All in all, a completely vile attitude.

Please get rid of him and don't take him back ever. And don't think that it has anything to do with you - I struggled with that for a long time - thinking if I had been better somewhere he wouldn't have had to sleep with prostitutes. That's not the case at all.

supersop60 · 15/06/2019 11:46

OP - PLEASE be careful. By talking to his colleagues and putting his stuff in the shed you are being very provoking. I'm glad you're getting angry; channel that anger into ways of getting out of the relationship.
This is not your fault.
The fault is in him.

Original poster
Totallyheartbroken · 15/06/2019 12:13

I've also blocked his phone from use (I pay the bill) He makes my skin crawl. What do I tell the children?

OP posts:
over50andfab · 15/06/2019 12:22

OP I’ve read most of your thread and so sorry for what you’re going through.

You’ve had some great advice and I understand your reasoning in blocking his phone etc. However given his history of physical abuse do you think he might get violent as a result of your actions and the realisation that you mean it this time?

Might it be a good idea to get some advice from WA and consult a solicitor first?

Original poster
Totallyheartbroken · 15/06/2019 12:32

I don't know what to do for the best 🤷🏼‍♀️

OP posts:
Treesthemovie · 15/06/2019 12:35

You're not culpable for any of his behaviour or abuse OP. But he's not a wonderful dad and its impossible to know what he's capable of when he lies so much. He also doesn't sound mentally ill at all if his colleagues think he's wonderful - he sounds like a manipulative man who knows how to charm and knows exactly what he's doing.

Treesthemovie · 15/06/2019 12:38

He is a man that completely lacks respect for his partner and women in general, he won't fully see the value in you as a person, just as he couldn't care less about the humanity of the prostitutes he sees.

over50andfab · 15/06/2019 12:55

OP no one on here can tell you what to do. We are not living your life. However some on here have had similar experiences and can share how they dealt with it. There is also loads of advice on where to go for RL expert support.

The fact that he can just deny it all to you, as in he seems to think that if he does this then it doesn’t matter, and you should just forget about it (rather he expects you to) must be incredibly upsetting for you. He does not seem capable of taking your feelings into consideration.

As I said though, the physical abuse side of it is what you should protect yourself against. As far as the DC go, I’d say nothing atm, other than you’ve had a disagreement if asked. You say he is a great dad so hard as it is try to let that continue - for their sakes.

Try to take it one step at a time - perhaps a list of what you want to do?

Whisky2014 · 15/06/2019 12:56

What are your options, op?

Original poster
Totallyheartbroken · 15/06/2019 14:53

I can't move out. I need his help with children activities etc as I work full time. It's a tiny village so if I tell one person every one will know. Plus I can't stop crying.

OP posts:
Closetbeanmuncher · 15/06/2019 15:14

You're wasting your life and your tears. On someone who doesnt give two fucks about your health or your feelings.

Do you actually want advice to end the marriage op, or tea and sympathy?

Closetbeanmuncher · 15/06/2019 15:20

I dont believe for one second that he ever stopped using hookers.

You can never alter someone elses behaviour only your own.

He has made his position perfectly clear....no amount of crying will change that.

How old are your kids?

Cotswoldmama · 15/06/2019 15:54

Op your situation is horrible. Is there anyone at all you could ask for help? If even an acquaintance asked me for help and told me what you've posted here I would do all I could to help. In fact I'd probably help a stranger if they asked.
Please try to find someone you can trust to tell and ask for help. Maybe a neighbour or a mum from your kids school?
I really hope you're ok x