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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband cheating with prostitutes - again!!

204 replies

Totallyheartbroken · 11/06/2019 22:45

I’ve just discovered my husband of 28 years has been visiting ‘escorts’ again. I forgave him last time and really tried to keep our family together but he is obviously not as committed as I was. I’ve struggled every day for 10 years to accept his sordid secret but to find out he has done it again is beyond belief. I found out by using his google and his last search was an escort agency. I then checked his messages and read one asking him if he was ‘tired after last night’? Help.....what do I do?

OP posts:
Original poster
Totallyheartbroken · 12/06/2019 04:36

Wow these have been such supportive messages. He is now asleep on the sofa and I lay thinking of my children thinking his behaviour is normal. You’re all right it’s not and my son is going to copy his dad if I allow him to. I’ll continue to tell him I want him to leave and if he refuses I will find a solicitor. Is there still 30 minutes free advice these days or doesn’t that exist anymore?

OP posts:
purplecatt · 12/06/2019 04:47

Op if he's physical and screams at you then you need to call women's aid and the police. He's abusive and irrational.

Original poster
Totallyheartbroken · 12/06/2019 04:57

The police didn’t do much last time. It was a few years ago but they told him to stay with a friend for the night and left. He came back in the morning and it made things worse. I know I’m in a disfunctional relationship and it’s hard to accept he would have some strange fetish. We don’t have an exciting sex life together but he’s never complained.

OP posts:
Zoflorabore · 12/06/2019 04:58

Oh op this is so awful to read, poor you.

I'm sorry but i had initially missed where you said he was violent so that makes it even more important to get rid of this horrible excuse of a man.

My gut instinct when reading your op was that he has probably never stopped but has only just been caught. I'm sorry it that's blunt but it was the first thing I thought.

As for counselling- he is broken and can't be fixed and doesn't deserve you and your lovely children. Let him do what he wants. When he has been kicked to the kerb.

He will be the lonely old man in a bedsit when he's old with no visitors. You will always have a million times more than him, including your morals, dignity and self respect.

I wish you all the strength under the sun to get through this. love and hugs xx

Original poster
Totallyheartbroken · 12/06/2019 05:14

Thank you for your kind words. I pray for the day I can breath again without a thumping in my chest. Yes he probably never has stopped which makes me nauseous to think he has had sex with me and put me at risk again. I will have to go to the clinic once more and it’s the most traumatic experience ever.

OP posts:
purplecatt · 12/06/2019 05:20

Please call women's aid op. Someone has to know what's going on and be able to advise you.

sxround · 12/06/2019 05:45

Do you still have a physical relationship with him now? When he first started visiting prostitutes did you have an active sex life and were you both able to keep things spiced up when needed?
Either way, you need to get out now.

Original poster
Totallyheartbroken · 12/06/2019 06:02

No we haven’t had sex for about 5 months. He says he’s too tired and stressed.
We always had an active sex life and quite experimental until he went with the prostitutes last time. It took me a while to build a sexual relationship with him again but we did and I thought we were over the rough patch. I didn’t think he would ever do it again and risk losing his family but I was wrong.

OP posts:
Lahlahfizzyfizzydoda · 12/06/2019 06:07

I think you need to contact women’s aid. Have you photographed your bruises..?

This is not a functional relationship, he’s abusive and he’s not only abusing you but your DC.

KatherineJaneway · 12/06/2019 06:12

I didn’t think he would ever do it again and risk losing his family but I was wrong.

He is arrogant enough to believe you are not strong enough to leave the relationship, so carries on as he pleases.

mathanxiety · 12/06/2019 06:18

Go to the STD clinic.
Phone Women's Aid. Leave a message. They will call you back.

Make it your number one priority to end this abusive relationship (it is way, way beyond dysfunctional).

No more counseling except some therapy for you.

Stop thinking in terms of 'we'.

Get advice from Women's Aid about occupation orders and all the rest of this sorry mess. Ask them for a referral to a solicitor.

Original poster
Totallyheartbroken · 12/06/2019 06:18

Yes got so many photos from over the years I have it’s own album on my phone. What can women’s aid do for me? He would go mental if he found I contacted somewhere like that.

OP posts:
Lahlahfizzyfizzydoda · 12/06/2019 06:30

They’ll give you support and advice on leaving him in a safe way (help from the police etc).

You need to do this for your children.

mathanxiety · 12/06/2019 06:30

Women's Aid will help you to get a non-molestation order and an occupation order.

www.womensaid.org.uk/the-survivors-handbook/getting-an-injunction/
Don't be put off by all the details involved.

Contact this group too:
rightsofwomen.org.uk/

He will be served by an officer of the court or by a process server and will have to abide by the terms of the order/s. You can have him served at his office or place of work (or Smile preferably in whatever sordid hotel room he uses for his hobby).

After that the police are required to take you seriously. Study the orders that you are granted and do your part by calling the police if the terms are flouted by your 'H'.

Call WA.
0808 2000 247.

Leave a message with a time that is safe for you to receive a return call from them. Tell them everything when they get back to you.

www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-abuse-directory/
Local WA finder.

Do not let your H know anything about what you are doing.

Make sure you log out after MN sessions on every device you use for MN.

Original poster
Totallyheartbroken · 12/06/2019 06:38

Thank you for all this information it is helping me so much.

OP posts:
sxround · 12/06/2019 07:17

There is some very sound advice amongst all the replies here. Put yourself first now and move forward to a better life. Abuse is abuse and there is never an excuse for it.

ittakes2 · 12/06/2019 08:17

It’s totally embarrassing for him - not you - people are going to admire you for being a strong role model to your children of what to accept and what not to accept. Good luck x

oreoxoreo · 12/06/2019 08:19

I should probably name change as I posted on here before with similar situation and was told LTB and I still haven't left the bastard. I f MN was a dinosaur it would probably eat me alive for not leaving him. Mine has also denied it (of course), and also incidentally started chatting marriage.

Basically in your heart you know what to do. You also know that he probably displays narcissistic behaviour and when he is good, it's bloody brilliant, and if it is not, things turn to horrible quickly. In addition, everyone probably looks up to your relationship/family and got now clue what's going on. Also probably you are a strong and independent woman everywhere else in life but haven't told anyone in real life as feel too ashamed.

I haven't got the mental strength to leave yet, but that's not to say that this mental strength is not building up. I haven't left (I should have gone NC which I knew I couldn't do) but I had a chance to step back and rethink how I see him. The pink blanket certainly fell off. I no longer strive to spend time with him (we don't live together) and you could say I am slowly detaching from the relationship. Maybe that's the way that suits me.

OP do whatever suits you, in your pace, but do it. I know it is hard. Be stronger than me. Prepare yourself for leaving and hit him hard when ready.

Ozziewoz · 12/06/2019 08:24

Get evidence of messages etc and take to solicitor immediately. Egore you get advice, don't say anything to him. Then get your ducks in a row and kick his sorry ass out. Even if you have to imply it's only temporary (to him) to get him to leave as you need 'space'
Change the locks and each time he collects the children, he can do so from the front door step.

goodfornothinggnome · 12/06/2019 09:26

Sorry, I've not been in this situation myself, can you go to the police in your lunch break, show them the photos, they must be able to advise,
I'd potentially hope they can remove him from your house, and you on a permanent basis.

notapizzaeater · 12/06/2019 09:37

Speak to women's aid, does it matter if he goes mad ? You're separating anyway ?

Original poster
Totallyheartbroken · 12/06/2019 17:51

Yes he has all the traits of a narcissist. Plus you are so right in saying we are probably envied by many with our good jobs lovely home & fancy cars. I would give it all up just to have a ‘normal’ husband. Today I’ve felt calm and ignored his calls. 22 to be precise. He’s probably raging when he comes home but I’m not rising to anything.

OP posts:
Starlight456 · 12/06/2019 18:15

Op take care.

Do not go to therapy with an abuser.

You do need to book appointment with solicitor, phone women’s aid,report any evidence of abuse to the police , get hold of any financial documents.

If he is threatening phone the police.

motherofcats81 · 12/06/2019 18:48

Agreed on the therapy, as PPs say and you experienced abusers and narcissists will just manipulate and lie and use it against you.

My heart goes out to you OP. Be strong Thanks

forumdonkey · 12/06/2019 19:04

My exh was violent towards me. The last time he was ever physically violent he kicked me which compared with previous occasions (lost a tooth, pulled across floor by my hair etc) it was mild. My children were cowering with me in another room and I'd phoned 999. He was screaming and ranting and raving and the operator heard everything. There's a lot more to this but the upshot was he was told to leave the house and that was the last night he ever slept under this roof. That was nearly 14years ago now. OP please phone the police if he becomes violent and aggressive.