AIBU to ask questions about our finances?

[Zaza6375]

Hi all I’m after done advice from anyone that has experience of running their own business.
I run a small beauty business from home.
My relationship with my husband is deteriorating rapidly and I cannot access my earnings from my business acct.
I set the acct up years ago and didn’t use it much but I’m now really busy and have a card machine that clients payments go into.
He will not let me have access to the business bank card.
I am able to order products/stock from it as I linked it to a PayPal acc.
I am not allowed the card and am discouraged from using it whilst he clears some debts. I’m so pissed off.
I have access to our joint acct which he hates me touching and he gives me £20 a day for family stuff.
Im bring treated like a child
So I’m trying to get off my arse and get my shit together. I have started to have counselling due to other problems within our relationship.
My relationship is not in a good way at the moment. The background to it can be found in my previous post.
We both have credit cards that he has possession of. I asked to see mine and it’s up to £9k. I’ve never used it myself but I think it’s been used to pay for a £3k course I went on which I’m reminded constantly that he paid for.
I’ve asked to see his and he has gone ballistic. He told me it’s at 20k but will not show me the statements.
Some of the debts on these cards are from a building an extension but why not let me see them? Am I being harsh?
Could anyone advise me on wether I need to open a business acct or will a personal acct do that my card machine payments can go into?
Any advice greatly appreciated thank you x

I would try to see a solicitor asap to discuss heather you have grounds for an occupation/non molestation order so you and the girls can stay in the house and he has to move out. Spend the weekend documenting as much as possible, incidences when he has been abusive (including the dog), use screen shots of text messages and emails as much as possible to illustrate the evidence and write as much detail as possible. This would all be excellent evidence to give strength to your case. It can also be done without him knowing if there is a risk of him turning violent if he is served papers beforehand.
I would pay for a good solicitor if you can rather than try to get a free half hour as it would take longer than 30 minutes to discuss all your options.

Women's aid can help in tandem with a solicitor.
Also, if the abuse is documented you could get legal aid.
Eg with your GP, with the police, with a social worker, with women's aid.
Legal aid is a godsend.

www.norfolk.gov.uk/safety/domestic-abuse/what-is-domestic-abuse/power-and-control-wheel This is a resource on domestic abuse - a lot of what you describe is on here. You are eligible for support.

Good luck 💐

Morning all.
I’ve had quite a major light bulb moment during the night.
I’m just writing it here to..I don’t know why..because I need to.

It wasn’t my fault. I would never had made that choice. That wasn’t me.

I’m actually crying, something I’ve not done in a long time. FFS it wasn’t my fault and I’ve been covering the total despair that he caused me for 5 years.
(All in previous posts links above)
I don’t quite know how I’ve how got through all of this.
I must be strong.
What a total *

Anyway middle daughter was very subdued yesterday and we spent the afternoon with my cousin who is always a ray of sunshine.
She has booked me a solicitors app that either she or my mum (they are both very tough birds) will come with me too.
Eldest daughter is at freinds house and do she’s happy. Youngest is just colouring everything in site.
I hope you all have a lovely Sunday with whoever you chose to spend it with.
I’m off to the beach with my amazing dad, tough bird mum and my very old dog which will undoubtedly be her last day out x
Sending you all grateful thanks for walking along side me and just really opening my eyes to things that I would never have known x

Ps no birth certificates no credit card. Back on to that tomorrow x

Really happy for you Zaza that you are feeling so determined and positive and that you have got a solicitor’ appointment. Hope you have a wonderful day which will leave you ready for sorting out the credit card, birth certificates tomorrow.

Good luck and take care of yourself.
In no way is this your fault .

I’m glad you have got good support- lean on them as you work your way through this .
You are strong and with their encouragement you will get past this to a better happier life.

Good news and good luck.

Insist on the passports and birth certificates. Insist on everything, you need those documents. If necessary, get your family to back you up with demanding them. Be careful of agreeing to convert the business: even if you refuse, I fear he will forge your signature in order to do what he wants.

If you know who has to loan the money for the business, can you get in contact and state that you have not and will not be signing for a loan? If he plans on listening to you when you say no more debt then he won't even notice unless he goes behind your back and commits fraud.

Hi all.
No card. No birth certificates.
Eldest daughter has been moved down a maths group. Middle daughter just pinning all her hopes on us moving. She say she doesn’t have a connection with her dad, that he never listens to her or the youngest.
But crap.
I messaged him yesterday to ask if he would consider moving out so that DD could study in a calmer house. Needless to say he went mad. Refusing to leave ‘his’ house. Says he expects me to screw him over for every penny and that I’m taking the out of him.
He is furious.
Solicitor in town already has him as a client 🙈
Meeting a freind this week who had been through this to ask her to recommend hers.
We plod on

Hope meeting with friend is useful. Do branches of Women’s Aid or CABs have lists of local solicitors who specialise in this - no idea if they do, just wondering.

Continue communicating via email or messengers. You will need the evidence.

You don’t have to see a particularly local solicitor. A first meeting is always a good idea but after that, all communication will be via email or phone. My lawyer is 40 mins away by train.

Glad you have seen the light and will get your precious girls out.

So this weekend I finally received my Visa Card.
I’ve noticed that he has now started to start going out with the lads more.
Yesterday morning he was up at 6am off for a game of gold with the lads.
I asked him what time he would be home and he asked why?
I just said could you put it in the diary if your going out..of course she the usual misiles were thrown ‘your so controlling, none of my mates have to tell their girlfriends wives, you always try and fuck up everything I do’
He told me that he will never leave the house and that he is going to make it unbearable for me to be here.

I asked what time he would be back he said 1pm.
I text him and tried one final time ‘let’s go for marriage counselling’
He replied ‘ok’
I said ‘the girls are my priority and even if we can’t sort things out we have tried.
He replied we will talk when I get back tonight.
I said we have to do what’s best for kids..he replied ‘I’m playing now’
He came home at 5pm. Day gone. Not a word said.
I spent day with kids.
I’ve noticed he has now put loads of days off - Saturday - all day benders with the lads and 5 days away.
I’m beginning to think he’s got this easy..I’m a bloody hotel
My mum and dad are very quiet on all of this and just say that they are worried about the girls.
I think they think I should stay and try and get through this.

Please don't stay, there is nothing to get through. Someone who treats you like this doesn't deserve you. Your parents are just scared for you, it is a big step but ultimately you can look after yourself and the girls and you don't need him.

It is hugely shocking to find out what you thought was normal was abuse. I've been there. I think when lots of people all tell you the same thing, that you have been abused, eventually you start to believe it but it takes quite a long time to really get your head around it. You need professional help from a good counsellor and from Women's Aid or similar. Also telling your brother is a very good step. Keep on telling people, it will help you to gauge what is normal because right now you don't really know what normal is. This doesn't make you weak or stupid. Not at all.

This relationship is terrible for your children. You are role modelling a relationship that you really don't want for any of your children when they grow up.
The children are sacrificing their emotional health for some material benefits and this is far too high a price for them to be paying.

Leave him OP and life will be far better for you all.

OP, it sounds so much like my marriage. I think you need a solicitor with experience of abuse. Rights of women maybe able to you with local solicitors but their approach is more important than location..

Take your H at his word, believe him when he says he will make your life hell.
At the moment you are still trying to make sense of this and assuming he will want what is best for the girls. What you will learn is that he has contempt for you (nothing that you have caused) and he will want what is best for him, he will want to punish you and he will have to win.

I am several years down the line, yes it was horrible as I couldnt believe how vicious Ex was and how uncaring but I now have a lovely home and very happy children. I have learned so much about toxic people and how strong I am. Toxic men always target strong capable women as underneath they are very weak damaged men.

Post divorce Ex has more money than me but I have peace and contentment and the love and respect of my DC.
It doesn't surprise me that he focusses on money as to him it equals power. You are likely to get more than 50% due to DC. A good solicitor can apply for interim payments so that you have sufficient money to live on.

Do you know the value of assets?

One thing I would recommend is to surround yourself with people who believe you. Maybe get a counselor for support. Read books on abuse, Why does he do that? Verbal abusive relationship, Patricia Evan's.

Your life sounds like it has a lot more assets than you realize.
Are there pensions, ect.

Joint counselling is not appropriate for your situation.

That's financial abuse. Literally been in such a similar position, you need to speak with a lawyer ASAP. Are you a sole trader or Pty ltd? Is your husband a director of your business?

Have your parents heard you talk about leaving before? Maybe they think you won't and they don't want to say anything you could hold against them later? Have you asked them whether they think you should stay?

Not that it matters. You should definitely separate from this man.

@zaza, money saving expert [MSE] has an article on financial abuse today www.moneysavingexpert.com/latesttip/?weeklytip=26-06-2019&utm_source=MSE_Newsletter&utm_medium=email&utm_term=25-Jun-19-50569350-11560&utm_campaign=nt-highlights&utm_content=2#martinabuse

Today I’m just really low. My fighting spirit has buggered off.
I tried to talk again this morning.
I asked him if he had thought any more about counselling..he told me he’s not that sort of bloke and it’s an insult.
I asked him to reconsider for the sake of the girls. Def flat no. He’s not going to discuss anything with anyone and that I should stop having counselling as it’s putting stupid ideas into my head.
In every row..I can’t even call it conversation because it’s not.. he always reverts back to the same subject of me not liking when he goes out with the lads. How his life is miserable how I’m a control freak.
He’s told me today I’m gaslighting (?) and I ruin every day out on the drink he has. I denied this and said no but it would be nice for us all to do something. He never ever takes a Saturday off work as it’s his busiest day in the shop..We hardly ever went out on our own and all he did was moan.
Today he was actually laughing at me when I was trying to talk to him.
He always throws this at me ‘you hate it when I go out, you always play up, you’re so controlling’ and then he dropped the big one... ‘how come I got lumbered with you’

And that hurt me. That really hurt me. Then I had to go and have a really important EHCP review meeting re youngest support and that’s in the back of my mind.
I’m writing this here so I remember everything.. he got lumbered with me. His wife, the mother of his children, his business partner, his greatest support.
I asked him why he said it and he said that he didn’t mean it it’s said in an argument.
Is that normal? Do your DH’s day things like this?
This week he’s told me he’s going to make life so difficult here that I will want to leave and he’s been lumbered with me. It’s only Wednesday!
I’m sorry for sounding off again it’s all about knowing what’s normal and what’s not x thank you as always x