AIBU to ask questions about our finances?

[Zaza6375]

Hi all I’m after done advice from anyone that has experience of running their own business.
I run a small beauty business from home.
My relationship with my husband is deteriorating rapidly and I cannot access my earnings from my business acct.
I set the acct up years ago and didn’t use it much but I’m now really busy and have a card machine that clients payments go into.
He will not let me have access to the business bank card.
I am able to order products/stock from it as I linked it to a PayPal acc.
I am not allowed the card and am discouraged from using it whilst he clears some debts. I’m so pissed off.
I have access to our joint acct which he hates me touching and he gives me £20 a day for family stuff.
Im bring treated like a child
So I’m trying to get off my arse and get my shit together. I have started to have counselling due to other problems within our relationship.
My relationship is not in a good way at the moment. The background to it can be found in my previous post.
We both have credit cards that he has possession of. I asked to see mine and it’s up to £9k. I’ve never used it myself but I think it’s been used to pay for a £3k course I went on which I’m reminded constantly that he paid for.
I’ve asked to see his and he has gone ballistic. He told me it’s at 20k but will not show me the statements.
Some of the debts on these cards are from a building an extension but why not let me see them? Am I being harsh?
Could anyone advise me on wether I need to open a business acct or will a personal acct do that my card machine payments can go into?
Any advice greatly appreciated thank you x

'presume he means it’s not good for me to have fun with their mums too.'
Exactly. He's trying to isolate you

Would you think about calling your local women's aid to talk things through?

Tonight has been just too sad.
12 yr old has confided in me that her dad has been hitting and kicking the dog when I’m not around.
She was crying her heart out saying that dads aren’t like that.
She said she watched him pushing his feet into her back with force under the dining room table. She says she is too frightened to leave the dog with him if we go out.
She was a mess tonight. I’ve told her we are going.
I’m sick to my stomach.
I can’t believe how things have deteriorated in the space of a week.
No credit card returned no girls birth certificate.
I’m going to try and see my cousin today who has been through a very messy divorce and has said she will go with me to solicitor.

Get out for the sake of your DC and dog

Hi Zaza
I've just read through the thread and wanted to say well done for getting the ball rolling. I'm going to echo what PPs have advised, leave him NOW.
At the moment things are slowly getting worse and your lovely girls are witnessing more and more of his real behaviour, almost as though he no longer cares what they think, as long as he doesn't lose control of you. You said you would stay until "you can't take anymore."
Do you really want to put your girls through that emotional trauma? Ultimately they love you and won't want to see you hurt, physically, mentally or emotionally. Your older two are old enough to understand what is going on. Do you honestly think that they should witness his ill-treatment of you? It will destroy any kind of relationship they have with him.
After the incidents with the dog, your 12 year old has now seen her father's true character.
In saying that your youngest doesn't have moderate autism, he is looking for another way to control you. In this instance negatively impacting your daughter.

Your main concern seems to be for your oldest. She has obviously picked up on the tension in the house and is old enough to realise that divorce is a possibility and young enough to need reassurance, which is why she asked, She is in turmoil and it will only get worse the longer your stay with your H. Ironically, by staying, there could be a greater negative impact on her GCSE's than if left now.
Your DD's GCSE's are not until next summer.
If left now and found somewhere to live, maybe in that nearby town you mentioned. You would have the long holiday to settle in, for the girls to explore and have some space to be proper teenagers with their friends.
Come September, with no emotional turbulence at home and a relatively happy mum your daughter will be able to settle in to a very important school year.
I truly believe that staying will be worse for her in terms of exam success, than if you left now.

PS I've tried to find your other thread, no joy. Could you post a link?

Please contact the RSPCA about the dog and get this logged somewhere. This awful man is a danger to that dog and your daughter's disclosure needs formal recording. Please leave with the dog and get her to a place of safety today. Is there a friend or relative who would care for her unfil you're settled? Also be very vigilant of abuse to your youngest. Men who prey on those more vulnerable see little difference between animals and people, it's a power thing, and he is already discrediting her issues. You've told your daughter your leaving so now you must follow through.

@TheRugbyValkyrie
They are so painful. There two one from when I’m pregnant and one from March
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2143838-Heavily-pregnant-and-husband-refuses-to-discuss

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3542951-End-of-the-road

I can’t bare to read either

I may delete the above once read xxx

Oh my gosh, that's horrendous! Your poor dog! Thank goodness your dd told you, now you know to be more wary of him should he decide you or one of the two youngest deserve the same treatment.

Go to the bank, withdraw money and stop the cards and any sort of online access he may have. Tell them the truth in case there's something else you can do to protect yourself.

Zaza, your daughters and dog

I’d read the one from March as you mentioned it up thread, not the earlier one. They do make things different. It’s not ‘just’ money but a much more serious situation. And one which goes back a long way. You have your brother and cousin for real life practical support and all of us here too. Considerations like waiting till the shop is sold or your daughter’s GCSEs are over seem much less important in the context of frightening your second daughter and the dog.

I can see why you might want to delete these threads but (and I am just guessing here), would they be helpful for when you talk to a solicitor etc?

Zaza
My lovely, the last few years have been utterly miserable for you, the only joy being your precious daughters, I'm sending you big, big hugs.
Your H has been emotionally abusing you for years. Your precious daughters have been your constant joy and are, I believe, the only reason you are still together.
I'm not convinced that you have done them any favours. They have had to watch you become more and more unhappy as your H has sucked the joy out of your family.
Your daughter's GCSE's are a year away and in the meantime, things will only get worse. There is plenty of time to either leave or move him out (I'm sure your family will help with that, you need the house for the children) and for you and the girls to rebuild and reintroduce the love and fun into your lives. I suspect if you spoke to your family about leaving now or waiting, they would advise now. The sooner the better in light of the financial abuse.
When your daughter asked about divorce, was she perhaps hoping the the answer would be yes? She will have compared your relationship with that of her friend's parents and come to the conclusion things are very, very wrong.
You are doing HER no favours by staying, unfortunately, I speak from experience. I was going through a difficult pregnancy and being emotionally abused. As the pregnancy went on, he started becoming physically abusive. I stayed and tried to hide things, but my oldest was VERY aware what was going on and it affected his revision. The morning of his maths exam, the ex started and I had great difficulty in persuading my son to go to school to sit his exam. He couldn't focus on the exam as he was so worried about what was going on at home. He failed his maths GCSE.
I was admitted to hospital the following week (pregnancy related) and the morning of one of his science papers the ex decided he was "busy and not feeling well" so couldn't get the other two children breakfasted and ready for school. It was left to my oldest to organise his siblings and ask a neighbour to take them to school. My son then ran to school and had to beg to be allowed into the exam hall. He failed that paper but luckily his grades on the other two were high enough that he got his GCSE.
You won't have been able to hide everything from your daughters and your oldest will be the one most affected. Get out now and give her peace of mind.
I'm so, so sorry for the long post. Sending you lots of love xxx

Zaza, you have been in this hell for years, you’re only just realising the full extent of it. Things haven’t deteriorated in a week, they’ve been like this a long time. It’s just the begining of your new life.
You’re strong, capable and you’ll get through this

Just sending big hugs - it all sounds so miserable and you have to act now, if you can. Your dog and your DDs need you to get this man away from them but you know that.

I hope you find the strength today or very very soon to make those changes - you will all be such different, happy people in a matter of weeks

Oh my God what an evil nasty man your OH is.Hurting your poor defenceless dog and in front of your daughter knowing the distress it will cause her. You seriously need to get all of far away from him immediately.

Urgh report him to rspca.... Hopefully with your daughters input they will charge him for cruelty. Get out of there, its not safe for any of you.

It sounds as if you have many businesses. You have a flat that is paid off and presumably there is money in your house too. See a solicitor as quickly as you can.

I'm just concerned that he had had an opportunity to hide money as he's now aware of you wanting to leave.

If you leave him now your oldest daughter will get a chance to settle so by the time her exams come round she'll be ok. If you don't leave now everything will continue to be horrendous at home. Things have to change.

Thank you everyone.
Middle daughter is in a state this morning. Eldest is just being a teen.
I’ve had a think...I know there not your kids not your situation but what if I appealed to his better nature.
If i asked him to leave for the sake of our girls and for the girls and I to stay in the house until the eldest finishes her GCSEs next summer?
Then sell the house and the flat and split finances.
I’m sorry I know I’m talking aloud just trying to find away to keep the kids settled.

Yes, sounds good if he'll go for it. But he doesn't sound reasonable so I doubt he will.

Either way, get it formally agreed via a solicitor. Remember he will be using the time to get the finances to benefit him.

He hasn't got a better nature, so you'd be wasting your breath, sorry. Moreover, this sort of suggestion could be just the thing that tips him over the edge into ramping up the abuse he is already hurling in your direction. And by that I mean physical abuse. You've already mentioned what he's capable of towards your dog, it'll be you and even your daughters next. There is no reasoning with men like him.

But how do you leave? How do you pay rent? The rent in our area is extortionate. I could never afford it

This is why you need to speak to a solicitor. He can advise on your finances. Any paperwork you can get your hands on will help. Otherwise the solicitor will need to ask him to submit his details.

Speak to citizens advice bureaux CAB or women's aid for more practical advice.

Don't forget he will have to pay you maintenance and you may get some benefits.

What about your brother? Can you stay with him for a while? Have you spoken to Women's Aid? I thought your brother was going to help?

@Rosielily he lives in a tiny flat. He’s also just gone on holiday today! Typical

Take the kids and the dogs out for lunch and cinema if the weather is pants where you are?

Don't move out until you've tried your hardest to get him to leave.

It's only £15 ( if I remember correctly) to get a new birth certificate. You can order it over the phone