AIBU to ask questions about our finances?

[Zaza6375]

Hi all I’m after done advice from anyone that has experience of running their own business.
I run a small beauty business from home.
My relationship with my husband is deteriorating rapidly and I cannot access my earnings from my business acct.
I set the acct up years ago and didn’t use it much but I’m now really busy and have a card machine that clients payments go into.
He will not let me have access to the business bank card.
I am able to order products/stock from it as I linked it to a PayPal acc.
I am not allowed the card and am discouraged from using it whilst he clears some debts. I’m so pissed off.
I have access to our joint acct which he hates me touching and he gives me £20 a day for family stuff.
Im bring treated like a child
So I’m trying to get off my arse and get my shit together. I have started to have counselling due to other problems within our relationship.
My relationship is not in a good way at the moment. The background to it can be found in my previous post.
We both have credit cards that he has possession of. I asked to see mine and it’s up to £9k. I’ve never used it myself but I think it’s been used to pay for a £3k course I went on which I’m reminded constantly that he paid for.
I’ve asked to see his and he has gone ballistic. He told me it’s at 20k but will not show me the statements.
Some of the debts on these cards are from a building an extension but why not let me see them? Am I being harsh?
Could anyone advise me on wether I need to open a business acct or will a personal acct do that my card machine payments can go into?
Any advice greatly appreciated thank you x

Hi all,
Apologies for the delay. I’m fine just really drained.
So we spoke today.
I’m pleased to say that there is £1500 in my business acct. That card and acct is now mine.
To those of you that said you suspected the debt was larger than I thought..how right you were!
I was expecting 7-9k on my card. It’s 9k. I’ve asked to be given that card tomorrow.
I’ve asked again about his debt. He is saying it’s now £28k...so that’s probably more too.
He is fuming that I’ve asked to see his statements and has told me it’s none of my business.
He has told me that in order to complete the work on our shop he now needs to get out a 25k loan.
I have asked him to sell the shop as it is (160k) and pay off our debts and have some fun.
He is instant that no he will get a loan, get the works done and sell it in for £220k we have no mortgage on the shop.
I’ve said he needs to put everything past me first.
I don’t want more debt. I’m just tired tonight x

He is also very confused as to why I want the girls passports and birth certificates. He says that they are not locked in the office in the shop but are in the safe at our house.
I’ve asked for them and he replied that I will lose them. I am careless but I’ve set up a box file for all the girls documents including the youngests DLA info and EHCP statements.
He doesn’t think it’s a good idea in case the house burns down.
Knob

So why doesn't he just give you the code for the safe? That way they are openly accessible to you both.

Wow he is treating you like a child! This is spose to be an equal partnership. So controlling and abusive

I feel ill reading this.

I'd get legal advice on selling the shop as is, as he doesn't sound willing to, I'm guessing he has the deeds to the shop too? He sounds like a nasty piece of work, I hope your brother can help you come up with a plan of action to escape him.

@Zaza6375
PLEASE see a solicitor and get legal advice

@Zaza6375 is that what he says the debt is, or have you actually seen the latest statements to confirm those figures are correct? So you are sure he's telling the truth?

No I have not been shown the statements. I have asked him to bring them home tomorrow. I suspect they are more

Hi Zaza, please, for your girls' sake if not for your own, please get proper legal advice and go to the police to report his financial abuse and control. This is more serious than you seem to realise. It's not normal, it's not ok, I've felt sick reading your posts and if your husband is capable of what he's already done, he's capable of any thing including violence. YOU ARE NOT SAFE.

Also, as a pp advised, sign up to a credit rating agency to see what accounts have been opened in your name as he may well have racked up more debt in your name. You need to get as much info as possible for your solicitor.

Although you say there is £1500 in your business account, do you actually know how well or badly your business is doing? Do you do the cash analysed book or petty cash book? How do you do the bank reconciliations if you don’t see the bank statements?

OK, you’re doing well, OP. That’s progress, and I’m pleased.

Do get your credit reports. You can do them online pretty instantly. Good advice here:
www.moneysavingexpert.com/loans/check-free-credit-report/

Be clear with him: he’s not acting like you’re a team, and that everything should be a joint decision.

In the meantime, make plans for leaving. Even if you currently think it’s an over-reaction. Keep talking with your family. Stay alert.

This is emotional abuse. He is controlling you.

You need to get legal advice quickly. If he is spending the money in your business account you are going to find yourself in serious trouble with HMRC when it comes to paying your taxes. How can you possibly being paying what is due when you have no access to the account?

Citizens advice might be a good place to start. I would also contact a Women’s Aid since emotional abuse is considered a form of domestic abuse www.womensaid.org.uk/.

If you now have the card to your business account you can sign up to experian and get a full credit report, it will list all cards, loans etc with your name attached.

You can do it on your phone if no access to laptop/computer

User148 has highlighted a good point, who is submitting your annual business tax returns to HMRC?

Do you know what your business turnover is?

Has someone been paying your annual NI contributions?

Do you keep a record of your business accounts in addition to the card machine receipts?

You need solid step by step advice on how to take control of your finances, both business and personal. Apply for a free credit check to see what loans and applications are against your name.

Please contact Christians Against Poverty or CAB for advice. This is going to take time to unpick and you need professional guidance and support. I wish you the very best of luck, you deserve a happier life than you are living now.

Thank you all for your time and advice.
I feel that you are all shocked by what I’ve been writing and it makes me feel that I’m over exaggerating it all..but I don’t think I am.
I’m coming across as incredibly stupid naive and weak.
I was always a tough bird..I’ve owned businesses since my 20’s and am incredibly driven with s strong work ethic.
I think my strength started to unravel when I had my eldest daughter 15years ago. When I had to stop earning in our shops and he had to run them on his own. I became financially dependent on him. He took control of everything and I was given a weekly sum.

I keep thinking that it can’t be that bad that it’s normal. My brother is livid.
DH is repeatedly saying he will not leave, he didn’t work this hard to live in a fucking flat. We do have a large beautiful home but it was all my idea to make it that way... however he will say yes but he paid for it.
The problem I have is that after 26yts I’m bloody terrified of leaving. What if it’s the wrong decision and I’ve moved my girls away from their dad? They have a beautiful home garden etc and I can never give them that elsewhere on my own..it’s all material. The one thing that I can give them on my own is fun. They don’t have fun. When I tell DH ‘I need fun’ he tells me ‘no you dont’ or ‘Fun costs money’
My girls are really good girls. 15yr old is working hard on her mock GCSEs. She’s not daft and knows more than she says. I’m frightened of upsetting her revision and exams.
12yr old is my shadow and is a worrier. She’s just upset about him being mean to the dog.
My beautiful 4yr old daughter my little star, had moderate autism. She suddenly stopped talking at 2yrs old and regressed back to being a baby. She’s receiving specialist help and she has her speech back and can now express herself.
So it’s not just me I have my brilliant team to support too.
I’m off to the CAB in town today to just find out what they advise.
Things like this don’t happen to people like me...I was know for being strong. I’m from a long line of strong women and I want to raise tough girls too.

I just can’t see that this is abuse.
How do your marriages work if you don’t mind me asking?
By the way my books are all kept up to date and tax paid as they are for our businesses.
I’m so sorry I’m waffling
I cannot thank you enough for holding my hand throughout this. I can tell you’re frustrated with me. I just have a lot to lose..possibly gain too.
But thank you it means so much and I don’t feel on my own x

The only thing I agree with him on is the important documents. Not the argument that you will lose them, but if it is a fire safe, they absolutely should be in there.

You need access though.

Read again about your daughters and how their dad effects them - are they allowed money? What caused her to regress? Get your strength from them
And get some legal advice

@Quartz2208 they don’t get a set amount but when they ask for money they are given it.
Youngest child has autism although they are looking at the possibility that she had a stroke as her regression was so sudden.

How does my marriage work? We both have full access to all bank accounts, savings, i can see his business acct.

I do majority of the admin but all paperwork, important docs are in a lockable cabinet we can both access.

We can spend without asking each other but we discuss big purchases.

Your life and his attitude to it all is not normal @OP your brother is horrified..... That is someone close to you, not some randoms on the internet!!

Try not to be so hard on yourself.

I'm certainly not frustrated with you.

You've had your self belief ground down over years and years so it's totally understandable that it's going to take a while to think through making big changes in your life.

I hope the cab can refer you to someone who works at your local women's aid because a proper risk assessment of your circumstances would help you plan to stay safe and how to leave/get him out of the house.

My marriage works like
We both see each others payslips eg to apply for a mortgage or for tax credit annual return.
We have a fair split in contribution towards bills.
We consult before big purchases.
We have similar spending money.
We have autonomy over that spending money.

We have 2 joint accounts but independent accounts including savings.

With my abusive ex I had very little money for myself and when I spent it that made him angry. Him and his parents could see everything I spent.

My marriage works like: Some accounts in my name some in his. I know his online passwords etc but I don’t bother remembering them, I make him tell me or look it up himself. I do budget plan, check monthly finances. we both earn. Big purchases are discussed but oh would never disagree with a big purchase I thought we needed as he trusts me both to manage money and to make sensible decisions. We open each other’s mail so see payslips etc (actually mostly I open his as he doesn’t bother)

Hi Zaza. Nobody here is frustrated with you nor does anyone have the right to be frustrated with you. This is your life and your decisions to make. You have just discovered husband has been financially abusing you for many years and you have had a massive shock with the sudden realisation of this.
Of course you will be feeling doubtful and anxious, this is a normal reaction. It is brilliant that you have been able to confide in your brother and that he is supporting you in all of this.
The saddest thing for me is that you say you and the kids are not allowed to have fun. It's great having plenty of money and all that comes with it but life isn't all about money.
I hope you can dig deep and find that strong determined woman you say you always were, take back your life and make things happy and fun for yourself and your much deserving children.