AIBU to ask questions about our finances?

[Zaza6375]

Hi all I’m after done advice from anyone that has experience of running their own business.
I run a small beauty business from home.
My relationship with my husband is deteriorating rapidly and I cannot access my earnings from my business acct.
I set the acct up years ago and didn’t use it much but I’m now really busy and have a card machine that clients payments go into.
He will not let me have access to the business bank card.
I am able to order products/stock from it as I linked it to a PayPal acc.
I am not allowed the card and am discouraged from using it whilst he clears some debts. I’m so pissed off.
I have access to our joint acct which he hates me touching and he gives me £20 a day for family stuff.
Im bring treated like a child
So I’m trying to get off my arse and get my shit together. I have started to have counselling due to other problems within our relationship.
My relationship is not in a good way at the moment. The background to it can be found in my previous post.
We both have credit cards that he has possession of. I asked to see mine and it’s up to £9k. I’ve never used it myself but I think it’s been used to pay for a £3k course I went on which I’m reminded constantly that he paid for.
I’ve asked to see his and he has gone ballistic. He told me it’s at 20k but will not show me the statements.
Some of the debts on these cards are from a building an extension but why not let me see them? Am I being harsh?
Could anyone advise me on wether I need to open a business acct or will a personal acct do that my card machine payments can go into?
Any advice greatly appreciated thank you x

@Binting interesting reading thank you x

No its not normal.
It's awful.

Please think about not trying to persuade him not to be abusive anymore.
Just try to get someone to help you make a safety plan. A women's aid worker maybe. Then plan your exit

This is horrifying stuff.

Again he has said to me ‘you’re going to completely screw me over aren’t you’
You’re going to bleed me dry and I’m not leaving this house. It’s always about the house.
‘You can’t control me and treat me like a doormat, you’re the bully, I tread on eggshells around you’
It doesn’t help that my eldest daughter has said to me ‘just agree with him fir an easy life’
He’s 51 not bloody 18 he needs to grow up

Do not go for marriage counseling.
I know other posters have already said this.
Abusers are not good candidates for joint counselling.
It would either be a waste of money if the counselor spots it or it would worsen the abuse if they didn't

Will you please try tomorrow to make contact with a worker at your local women's aid?

@SuperLoudPoppingActionthabk you for answering. I’m just not sure I can face it at the moment.
I’m just humiliated that I’ve been told he’s been lumbered with me..I’m mortified x
Tomorrow’s a new day
Thanks again

It wouldn't commit you to taking any action.
I'm just worried you will go round in circles otherwise.

Please try to find ways of defining yourself other than the things he says about you.
He's pushing your buttons and it's working.
Don't let him exert power over you with this kind of comment.
He says cruel things. It's what he does. He will say more cruel things.
It is no less predictable than an anxious dog snapping at you.

All you can change is how you act and how you react to him.
But you need support to be safe in doing that.

Oh Zara, I am so very saddened to read your update. I really thought you had found the strength to deal with this horrible man.

Did you speak to your Mum about what's going on?

He has upped the anti and got nastier because you showed some resistance and he really doesn't like that.

What he has been saying to you is not true. He knows what buttons to press to bring you into line again. How dare he say you have been gaslighting him. He is a master manipulator and you need to recognise and accept that.

Please speak to someone who can advise you on where to go next. The house really doesn't matter, what matters is yours and your childrens welfare and happiness. Is he still kicking the dog?

God he is one nasty bastard who knows he can trod all over you and you will still stay put.

Wishing you the strength to get away from him once and for all.x

Right, Zaza. Time to woman up and show your DD that we don't just keep quiet for an easy life because we deserve more.

You are quite right: what he has said this week is awful, and certainly not acceptable "because it was said in an argument". Do you want to keep giving him the power to hurt you like that? You say you feel humiliated - I would too if that was said to me. One very small thing you could try to do (which helped me when I was leaving my XH) is to imagine a bubble around you and his words bouncing off it. They can't reach you; they are nothing to do with you. It's a very little advance on the freedom from him that you deserve. You are, in effect, deciding not to let him have so much of your headspace.

People have suggested WA and you think that is too much for you. Let me explain what they will do if you get in touch. They will listen. That is it. They may tell you his behaviour is not right, or give you the same support this thread is. They won't tell you what to do, at all. If you want their help with something - say, working out how to disentangle your finances, then ask and they will help. If you don't want to do that, then they will support you in any way you want. They can tell you what sort of things they can help you with, but it is always your choice to do anything. Because it is your life. And they are not abusive, so they will not try to take it over for you.

The things he says to you even in arguments are not things that would be said in a relationship which is loving or respectful. Being humiliated has no place in a relationship that you choose to be in.

OP it would be a big mistake to have couples counselling with an abusive partner. Just continue your individual counselling which will help you to recognise the situation you are in and support you to make changes.

You need to leave this abusive relationship, for the sake of yourself and your children, but this may take some time for you to decide for yourself.

There is a better life waiting for you. Why do you want DH in your life? He abuses his wife, his kids and his dog. Nothing makes up for that OP, nothing.

Why not ring Women's Aid. It's anonymous, and if you don't find them helpful just end the call.

Just read the whole thread - please do not worry how your daughter will cope with her GCSE's.

I split from my husband last year when my DD was 15 and she has just finished her GCSEs - she has really good predicted grades.

DD has coped so well with our split, we never argued in front of our children so they had no clue what was happening abut DD has taken it all in her stride and splits her time between me and her dad.
She thinks she has the best world ever - 2 homes, 2 parents who still get on (I am nice to him in front of her) and a good life with good friends etc

You can do this, I know it is tough but little steps is what you need.

I know you are worried about paying rent but you will be able to afford it, depending on your earnings you will get benefits. Do you even know your business figures?

Have a think about your daughters comment to "just agree with him for an easy life"

That comment says a lot about the example of a relationship she is growing up with. If you can find a way to put a roof over your heads then please consider leaving with the girls as soon as you can.

No!!! Open a new business account and do NOT give him access! It's your business how dare he control it. Please cancel your credit card as well and have a new card delivered to the branch and do not let him do anything in your name. Also get legal advice ASAP. This is abuse.

Why are you taking that stupid comment personally? You've reacted strongly to it so I guarantee that there will be a lot more of that type of thing coming as he knows he gets a reaction from you.

We've already told you that he's a nasty, abusive, controlling person. You need to expect the worst and let him get on with it. Your relationship is over. Don't say anything about his days out. What he now does is none of your concern. Your only concern is sorting out the practicalities. If he needs to do childcare on some of those days, then tell him so but there is no point in trying to get him involved in family life. That ship has already sailed, but I think you still have hopes of changing him into the person you want him to be. You have to let go of that notion.

You need to take the emotion out of everything. Don't react to anything he says, however provocative it is. Keep talk kids related. If he won't engage with what's in the kids best interests then you can't change that. Keep calm and deal with the just managing the kids emotions. Ignore his behaviour.

Where are you with the solicitor and advice? That's your priority now.

He beats a little dog that's got cancer. Hes financially abusive and controlling. Hes gaslighting you. Hes a horrific example of an absolute selfish, immature, nasty little abusive man. I hope when you speak to your solicitor they can give you solid advice to work on from here on out.

Please leave him.

Stop trying to talk to him. He’s not a decent, normal person.

"just agree with him for an easy life"
At the moment that is very sage advice from your DD. Obviously you need to have the conversation that you don't do that in healthy relationships but given that you are supposed to be leaving him, it's very wise advice. "yes isn't it a shame you are lumbered with me. The girls need to go to their friends for tea tomorrow. I'll pick them up if you drop them off..." in a blasé and unconcerned tone.

You have had great advice already, but I was once your daughter. My mother never did leave, she would say she was too worried about having a tiny house and upsetting our lives. I am not grateful to her for staying. I am still in counselling trying to unpick the damage my parents did to me. I ended up marrying an abusive man as per the cycle of abuse. Children learn so much from the relationships around them and they lay the foundations for what they will accept later in life.

Take it one step at a time, but step. It is hard to see the abuse when you are in the middle of it but when I look back I am horrified to think what I tolerated. I was told I was controlling and needed to be looked after, but that was rubbish.

I would expect him to start running up debt in your name now to keep you tied to him. These nights out are intended to punish you and give him another stick to beat you with. Whatever you do, you must cancel the cards he has in your name and put a note on your credit report to stop new credit being taken out or things are going to get so much worse

Physical abuse is easy to identify.
Emotional abuse is harder to identify but is so very damaging. It is damaging for your children as well as for you.

Hi all, I’ve just read through all of mine and you posts.
Thank you once again for such wise words and those of encouragement and strength.
Things are very very calm here at the moment. DH has stopped being angry as I think he’s enjoying going out with the lads whenever he wants and I’m not saying a word. I think he knows that I’m not joking when I say we are done.
The girls are ok.
Would you believe my counsellor left after my second session..how’s my luck? I opened my heart and head and ages left.m (I’m trying not to take it personally!)
I’m on the waiting list for another.
I’ve started to book some fun with the kids. I went to a festival on Saturday night with a couple of girlfriends and I laughed, danced sang. I also told them everything.
They are gobsmacked.
I cannot tell you how unbelievably good it made me felt to release the disgust and the horror at what I’d done to good freinds who couldn’t care less about what I’d done...but were horrified that he’d made me do it.
My mum and dad have spoken to me and said that they can see I’m a lot happier since DH and I haven’t spoken (March), how I’m far more relaxed and I’m becoming me again. They did say that they’d like to see us work this out..but I get the feeling that this was said rather than meant.

Thank you for the comment that someone posted about ‘that ship has sailed’ you’re right it has. Things will never go back to how they were it’s now just working out what’s next.
I am under a lot of stress with the youngest daughter at the moment..I’m really having to battle on her behalf. DH has absolutely no idea what I have to do to make sure she has support etc at nursery.
So now I have my business card I’m now responsible for buying the food. Does that sound better?
There is no future for us.
My future is with my kids it’s just working out how.,

Also the girls have told me that he’s told them he’s taking them on holiday for a few days in the summer holidays. They are pleased.
I would love to take them away but I can’t afford it.
Any advice? How do you deal with that emotionally?

I don't really have any advice but I think he's doing it just to upset you and mess with your head.

.

@Zaza6375 he will start playing the Disney dad now, just to spite you. He will play a game of subtle digs, to undermine you: but just remember in your heart of hearts, you are a wonderful loving and whole person with beautiful children and a successful career. When the time is right you'll be able to treat the girls. I think treating you right now is the most important. Once you're happy in yourself it all tends to fall into place.

Hi all just venting.
On Tuesday I’m having my beautiful loyal best friend put to sleep. I can’t go on watching her suffer with her cancer.
She has been the best dog, the most perfect dog.
I feel extremely upset that I don’t have a husband that will be with me when I take her, to hold my hand, to tell me it’s the right time and to give me love and support.
I am so angry that he is happy that I’m putting her to sleep..he has a victory in her leaving us.
I plan to take middle and youngest daughter away for the night on Tuesday to avoid coming home and seeing his gloating face.
I’m so upset.
People say she’s lucky that I ‘rescued’ her..I didn’t..she rescued me x