AIBU to ask questions about our finances?

[Zaza6375]

Hi all I’m after done advice from anyone that has experience of running their own business.
I run a small beauty business from home.
My relationship with my husband is deteriorating rapidly and I cannot access my earnings from my business acct.
I set the acct up years ago and didn’t use it much but I’m now really busy and have a card machine that clients payments go into.
He will not let me have access to the business bank card.
I am able to order products/stock from it as I linked it to a PayPal acc.
I am not allowed the card and am discouraged from using it whilst he clears some debts. I’m so pissed off.
I have access to our joint acct which he hates me touching and he gives me £20 a day for family stuff.
Im bring treated like a child
So I’m trying to get off my arse and get my shit together. I have started to have counselling due to other problems within our relationship.
My relationship is not in a good way at the moment. The background to it can be found in my previous post.
We both have credit cards that he has possession of. I asked to see mine and it’s up to £9k. I’ve never used it myself but I think it’s been used to pay for a £3k course I went on which I’m reminded constantly that he paid for.
I’ve asked to see his and he has gone ballistic. He told me it’s at 20k but will not show me the statements.
Some of the debts on these cards are from a building an extension but why not let me see them? Am I being harsh?
Could anyone advise me on wether I need to open a business acct or will a personal acct do that my card machine payments can go into?
Any advice greatly appreciated thank you x

You can order replacement birth certificate online

Do not order it to your home address.

You haven't been stupid OP you've been abused and taken advantage of.

You need some professional help to untangle this web he's made - explain the situation to authorities that may be able to provide you with advice and assistance.

I'd advise calling Women's Aid as soon as you possibly can as they will be able to suggest the appropriate authorities and help you work through this horrible stage - it's what they do and no question is too small or silly for them.

I feel for you so much, you poor thing

I’ve just read your previous post. This is not just about financial abuse, is it? Your entire marriage has been destroyed because of his toxic, domineering behaviour. I actually shuddered when I read that he’d “guilted” you into having a termination. As you say yourself in that post, you are not living your life..... at all......and that is down to him.

These latest revelations about his financial abuse, for that is what this behaviour amounts to, compound matters further and you would be wise to take on board the sound advice you have had here and start taking (baby) steps to free yourself from his control. The road ahead will not be easy - heaven knows what will be unearthed when the banks start to investigate - and, as PP have indicated, there could well be police involvement in due course. You will have to stay strong and fight against any claim he might make that you authorised payments to your credit cards etc.

Abuse has a tendency to escalate; you need to think of your physical safety as well.

But, please try to look beyond the immediate future - look ahead to brighter days when you and your beautiful daughters can live the life you all deserve, unfettered by his nastiness and cruel behaviour.

You mention being worried about starting again at the age of 46, try not to be, although I appreciate that that is easier said than done. Many women, myself included, have unexpectedly found ourselves single in our 40’s, and guess what, we survived. Life is far to short for you to put up with all this.

It looks as though your brother is on board, and it looks as though your mum is too (I guess she’s staying relatively silent because she’s hoping you’ve seen the light at last!!).
Make the most of that support, it’ll prove to be so valuable.

Finally, to answer the question you raised in your previous post - No, this is not what marriage is about, but I’m guessing you’ve started to realise that now?

Good luck!

With regards to the DLA make sure you are the primary carer/parent on their system. Only they can change bank details. You can ask DWP to not take calls from your husband due to ongoing financial abuse as you fear he may try to gain access to her money. It is, unfortunately, a common thing :(
Good luck op x

Any update OP? Im worried for you.

Please say you’ve started proceedings? (Couldnt think of a better word)

Erm you need to see a solicitor. This is very scary stuff OP.

How can you let your husband control your money and you like this?!

Please, get some help.

@Rosielily your message means a lot x
Just a quick update.
Went out with my brother who is absolutely shocked and livid. He is going to advise me.
Came home asked yet again for the business card and it was finally thrown at me this morning.!
My poor old bulldog who had bladder cancer (see previous post) peed a little on the floor and it all kicked off with him shouting at her and me in front of the kids.
This lead to me saying please leave, if life’s so awful for you here (he says it’s torture)
However he did call me ‘Victorian Period Girl’ (I’m amazed he knows what girls in the Victorian times were like on their periods!)
I asked him what do you want for our future he replied ‘for you to bloody behave’
I’m meeting him at 10am to discuss everything and to see what’s going on.
I’ve asked to see the Visa statements and he’s refusing.

I have asked for my Visa card and he has asked why. He says he’s paying it off.
I asked if I can have it and he has said ‘why are you going to bloody pay it then?
Any advise on that one?
Thank you everyone so much x

You shouldn’t have to justify yourself for wanting your own card. Did he justify himself to you when he was spending on it?

I’m concerned you could have credit and thus debt you aren’t even aware of.

tell him you want to see every bit of info re money that is linked to your name!
Tell him that yes, HE is to pay for everything that he has spent/made the unilateral decision to spend.

In your separate/new account you pay in your wages and all benefits that you/your dc receive.
You can order replacement birth certs and have them sent to a safe address.
Ask him for your passport, give him a deadline to hand it over. When he doesn't you report the 'theft' to the police.
You're going to have to play hardball because he's not going to give up his control and abuse of you.

Please go to the police.

Whilst SavingSpaces2019 is well intentioned, I think you need to protect yourself more before directly confronting him. Please call woman’s aid or your family so you don’t do this alone.

@Zaza6375 what is your brother going to advise, and when? Can he give you the professional advice you need so very desperately now?

Do you have someone nearby who you can trust who will go to the banks with you for moral support?

Have you been able to contact Women's Aid, or a solicitor yet?

Just remember, all the bank cards etc which are in your name are YOURS. Any payments he has authorised on them in your name and without your permission are NOT your responsibility and as such should be reported to both the police and the banks concerned.

Well done for what you have done so far - but please be careful. He strikes me as extremely volatile and dangerous and there is a possibility he might become violent if he thinks he is no longer going to get his own way. I say this kindly, as a warning, and not to scare you.

You must get professional help ASAP.

Can you maybe enlist the help of your brother to get them, say he needs everything in your name for tax return or a new business venture to get funding for......

PS: I agree with @MonkeyTrap and @SavingSpaces2019

Please be careful @Zaza6375

Came home asked yet again for the business card and it was finally thrown at me this morning

it all kicked off with him shouting at her and me in front of the kids

He is ramping up and his abuse is escalating. I have a horrible feeling it will get worse as it dawns on him that he is losing his control over you.

Please stay in touch with your brother daily. Could you and DC stay with him? I think you need an escape plan ASAP before the financial stuff is sorted.

Sorry I meant I agree with @MonkeyTrap and @MummytoCSJH

I am so sorry to see you are going through this. It makes my blood boil when i hear about men treating their other halves this way. Marriage is a partnership not an ownership.

I hope you get the professional advice that you need and the strength to see this through so you have a peaceful outcome.

Wishing you all the very best.

XXX

Very good that you have someone in real life who can support you in this.

Talk to your brother, and yes my advice would be that you 'answer' his 'what are you going to do' by going to the police and reporting him for financial abuse and fraud. I wouldn't tell him that though - I would just go, with your brother, to see the bank and police.

My main aim here would be - to have, if at all possible, liability for the debt that has been fraudulently run up in your name removed from you. I am not sure that all of it could be, but if it turns out further down the line that he's actually run up an amount you can never repay then goes AWOL or you split, the important thing would be having a paper trail to prove that you dispute at least some of the debt, as control of the card had been taken from you.

Oh @Zaza, what a horrible situation for you. I so hope you manage to get free of this monster. 💐

If these accounts and cards are in your name, can you not phone them direct and find out details from the companies?

Please go to the police.

And your bank. Get everything stopped.

Is your company limited or are you self employed? If limited you need to remove him from any position of responsibility- have you checked he hasn’t removed you? Are you still a shareholder?

With all due respect to PPs this is not a situation you'll be able to sort by sitting and having a serious chat with him.

Doing so is way more dangerous than doing nothing. The panic on his side will see his aggression and abuse escalate.

Please call women's aid for advice, speak to the bank and any other lenders with your brother and ask about their safeguarding policies for this specific type of situation. They may need to involve the police and you need to know this as soon as possible.

You can't reason with abusers. Please stop confronting him directly or laying down new rules for him etc - all this does is tell him he needs to tighten the leash.

OP please call Women's Aid today - you don't have to make decisions at the moment but you do need to get their advice. Please.

Sorry for my short reply earlier I was on my way out, but was glad to see the good advice you'd already received. As CurlyGirl says - this isn't a slight relationship issue you have to have a conversation about. This is abuse. I'm sorry you are being put through this. How are you OP?