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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Dating thread 161: (Can anybody find me) somebody to love..?

999 replies

Sunshineandflipflops · 05/06/2019 13:16

The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.

  1. Develop a thick skin.
  2. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
  3. It's all BS until it actually happens.
  4. Trust your gut instinct.
  5. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
  6. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
  7. If it's not fun, stop.
  8. Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread?watched=1

OP posts:
LilyRose88 · 14/06/2019 11:42

@falaff I totally relate to how you are feeling right now. I felt awful when Mr Tiler dumped me back in January and I couldn't understand why he did it. He just said that he couldn't give me what I wanted, but didn't articulate what he thought I wanted, or why he couldn't give it to me. I felt as though I wasn't good enough for him. Fast forward five months and I am still single but no longer upset about him.

I live on my own too, and I find weekends really difficult as if I don't make an effort I end up not speaking to anyone all weekend. And sometimes even if I do get out and about the only people I speak to are sales assistants in shops when I buy something or people who serve me in coffee shops. I find that doing something physical like going to the gym, going for a run or doing some gardening really helps lift my mood at times like this.

@NestOfSwipers sorry to hear that Mr Smiley is being flakey, but he sounds really selfish. Even if he is going through a tough time he could still send you a brief message. You deserve much better. Maybe we should meet up for coffee (I am off the wine at the moment due to a health kick Smile) and compare notes about rubbish men on OLD. If nothing else I'm sure we could make each other laugh. PM me if you would like to meet up.

JeSuisPrest · 14/06/2019 11:49

@BatshitCrazyWoman Our local Health Trust has a good system. You can either attend the walk in clinic and wait or apply online for a home testing kit which covers HIV, syphilis, chlamydia and gonorrhoea - comes in a plain box, you do the swabs and blood test, send it back and they text the results within a couple of weeks. I did mine this year for the first time and was really impressed with the service.

kerkyra · 14/06/2019 11:50

Sorry some are having a hard time,it really is tough. It seems dating is so much harder these days than when I was in my early twenties.
I joined pof again on Wednesday,for what seems like the hundreth time. Someone I had a date with four years ago came up,we had met in the day at a garden centre but although he was attractive,I was probably not in the right place for dating as just getting over my ex husband having the affair.

So,we are meeting tomorrow.
He is questioning why I ghosted him after the date all those years ago( I didn't, I sent a nice to meet you and thanks message) and seems so sweet chatting but I do feel a bit of pressure. Like it needs to work out,as I've already met him. I explained I need a mental connection so will just have to see.

Good luck Lilly on your date today and everyone else who has one lined up.

With regards to dating when my son is around, its tricky. I haven't had a man here since the guy I dated last summer ( apart from snogs with village man but son was at his dads) but that relationship was rushed as he lived in the next village and passed by my house for tea every night. It was exhausting!!!?

Maybe invite him over when your children are in bed? Or just say you have a friend popping over and make it very relaxed. I find the bit that can confuse the dc are if a man stays over,so that's not going to happen for me until he is older.

MrDrummer · 14/06/2019 12:22

@Ant330 I think it made her think about things that she hadn't thought about in a long time. @BatshitCrazyWoman I understand she will have felt judged. How do you think I could have handled it better (given that we had ditched the condoms)? I am thinking there was no good way.

BatshitCrazyWoman · 14/06/2019 13:15

In my area the postal STI tests aren't free ....

MrDrummer I don't think there was any way back once you'd stopped using condoms and then wanted to start using them ....

YellowSkirt · 14/06/2019 13:40

Thanks PPs. I think you're right about calling time on things with 'A' regardless of 'B'. He is such a genuinely kind, attractive and caring guy it is quite hard to do this unless I am feeling peed off following a discussion where he hasn't engaged in what I've brought up so I think I need to do this kindly and firmly over the phone.

LilyRose88 · 14/06/2019 13:40

@kerkyra thanks for the good wishes for my date tonight. I have just planned my outfits for my date tonight with Ms PT (black jeans and a nice top) and my date tomorrow night with Mr Mystery (black and white midi/maxi skirt and a black top). I seem to have acquired a new iron - Mr Sailor - who got in touch with me on POF. He lives about 30 miles away which is normally a 'thanks but no thanks' from me but he looks really nice and I decided to give him a chance. We are talking about meeting up next weekend as I am busy this weekend. I reckon I am due some luck so maybe one of the dates will turn out well Smile.

NestOfSwipers · 14/06/2019 13:53

@LilyRose88 I'm not sure you have time for coffee with little old me with all the dates you have planned!! 😂 I haven't forgotten though, just a bit preoccupied this week. Send your rejects to me...

NestOfSwipers · 14/06/2019 13:54

He messaged earlier and I replied, but I have been swiping for the past few days. Nothing. Nada.

LilyRose88 · 14/06/2019 14:16

@NestOfSwipers don't worry, my life will be back to normal soon. It is quite unheard of for me to have so many dates. And let's not forget my last date which went really well and the guy dumped me the day before our second date!

I have just had a wardrobe clear out and it seems that a couple of years ago I had a thing about satin floral trousers! I blame Zara but really, what was I thinking Grin.

Peanuthedz · 14/06/2019 14:37

@LilyRose88 hmmm I have somehow got 3 pairs of tight floral trousers. I seem to remember them being my date attire last summer but now I'm a bit 😱 at them. I guess that's fashion.

I did the postal STI service with Mr Unsuitable after 2 weeks when we knew we were exclusive. It was really good. I've had a few tests over the years. I have to say my history is a fair bit worse than 10 bikers in 10 months. That doesn't sound too dreadful. 😳 I won't share my past here but if I told a partner about it (i generally don't as I have a lot of shame around it despite trying to forgive myself for many years. It's complicated...) they then decided we should be using condoms I'd be upset and ashamed too. I'd think they thought I was tainted somehow and I might end it too.

@falaff I'm sorry about mr climber. Better to be sobbing in the toilet than wondering. Because in a week or so you'll be over him. Go through it and you'll come out feeling so much better.

@Notcoolmum hope you're starting to feel better.

And @TooOldForThis67 are you sure he's not just having a strop? Or can you reiterate to him that you're feeling terrible right now but you don't want to lose him?

Things are chugging along with mr Unsuitable. I've stopped expecting it to end any day. Which is a big step for me. We don't have a lot of time to see each other and I'm helping him out with stuff which answers the question of what the hell do you do with people? If you don't really drink, and don't eat out, don't watch tv... I have plenty of hobbies as does he but they're not really ones to do together.

@Lovemusic33 I hear you with the boozing thing. I do like going to the pub with friends but I hardly drink and I don't get drunk so as we live in a pissed up society it's hard to find a man who doesn't rely on booze...

NestOfSwipers · 14/06/2019 14:49

Back on POF with no photos or profile. Yet. I exhausted myself thinking of a username which didn't have a dubious double meaning!! 😂

Sunshineandflipflops · 14/06/2019 15:03

Well the gig is on! He found someone selling two tickets for a good price but they are over 2 hours away and we have to collect them at 8am so looks like a day trip tomorrow starting at 5.30am to pick them up then the gig on Sunday! I didn't see him this much when we were seeing each other 😂

I'm also seeing Mr Art tonight so will have to go easy on the wine 😳

OP posts:
SimonJT · 14/06/2019 15:11

Have a fab time at the gig. I bought spice girls tickets for ex, which would have been hell on earth for me, so I gave them to FWB. Very painful on the wallet, but it saved my hearing and dignity!

Sunshineandflipflops · 14/06/2019 15:15

@SimonJT Thanks. I went to see The Spice Girls last week but only because my brother had two tickets and no-one to go with! They weren't as bad as I was fearing!

OP posts:
AsleepAllDay · 14/06/2019 15:33

@falaff I'm sorry! It sucks, but rejection comes to all of us and it's always a bitter pill. Don't text him, don't ask for another chance. You won't get it, just hold on to your dignity

I'm in a bit of a mood too because the swiping has been dull lately, but don't take it personally. Make that list of things you didn't like about him.

As in, it's not that you're such a bad person and something is really wrong with you so he's binned you. It just so happened that you want love and a relationship and he's not capable of giving that to you

Do something nice for yourself! Have a cup of tea, eat something good, talk to a friend... just get your mind away from where it wants to go.

Crustaceans · 14/06/2019 15:34

That’s really tough, @falaff. That sort of ordinary but intimate touch is difficult to find a substitute for. I did read an article in the guardian about a man who goes to ‘cuddle parties’ but I personally found the idea almost horrifying.

Definitely don’t text him.

I think you handled the declaration of love well, @StealthNinjaMum. Although, I do think that sometimes people can fall in love pretty fast. Or some people do. Weirdly I had a very strong feeling from chatting to MrSG before we managed to meet that, if I actually fancied him, I’d probably fall in love with him. I was right. But obviously it didn’t happen immediately. So maybe I just recognised it as potential or something. I didn’t say anything to him about it though because ‘I think I’m going to fall in love with you’ I’d probably the sort of thing a scary stalker who’ll murder you in your sleep would say on a first date. 😂

That’s so cute about the T-shirt stealing @JeSuisPrest. There are often some of MrSG’s clothes in my washing basket. Of course I’d never appropriate a T-shirt as nightwear when he’s not here. 😁 He did say that he finds it really hot when I put his T-shirt on (to wander about in or just to keep warm) after DTD.

Good luck with your dates @LilyRose88. Your outfits sound great.

It sounds like you have a sensible plan about what to do @YellowSkirt.

. You can probably make yourself a bit more comfortable. It sounds like it’s going brilliantly.

Good luck with your date tomorrow @kerkyra. It does seem more complicated when you’ve met them before ages ago. Hopefully there’ll be more of a connection this time.

It looks like a busy weekend for you @Sunshineandflipflops. Enjoy your date, and the concert.

Regarding sexual health testing: here it’s a walk in and wait forever system at the sexual health clinic. And they seem to triage by how likely you are to wait, so all the young people get seen more quickly as far as I can tell. If you’re a middle aged woman waiting for a coil check, you go right to the back of the queue because you probably won’t get fed up and wander off (partly since you’d then have to wait 6 weeks for an appointment). The results come back very quickly by text.

Last time I was in there I overheard a fascinating (and very loud) conversation between a group of students who appeared to treat STIs like I’d consider colds. They really did just think they were unavoidable things that happen and you just take some medicine and carry on. I pity the people having sex with them. ‘Oh, gonorrhoea is nothing. I’ve had it a couple of times now. It’s just an injection.’ Clearly something went very wrong in their sexual health education.

Ant330 · 14/06/2019 15:36

LilyRose good luck on your date tonight, hope it goes well.
Sunshine congrats on the gig tickets. Remember the great piece of advice somebody gave the other day... embarrassing undercrackers 😂
Lovemusic how's the doggy search going?

Crustaceans · 14/06/2019 15:38

Yes. Definitely wear your most embarrassing underwear. The really bad, period from hell pants would be ideal. 😂

Sunshineandflipflops · 14/06/2019 16:08

I said before...I don't own any sexy underwear anyway! All my undies are black and from M&S so I don't have to think about matching stuff together 😂

OP posts:
Crustaceans · 14/06/2019 16:12

You should pop by an asda and buy yourself something truly embarrassing then. They’ve probably got sparkly ones with unicorns on them (in the adult section, not just in age 5-6).

I don’t own any ‘sexy’ pants either. In fact, I probably have the same multipack black M&S ones you do. 😂

CassettesAreCool · 14/06/2019 16:40

Hi gang! Firstly, thank you for all your good wishes when I posted last week about my DD. That really meant a lot to me Flowers. Things have settled down a bit now, I'm over the catastrophising stage and although it's going to be a long haul I don't think I'm going to have to put everything on hold again for her. Here's hoping I don't jinx it by saying that.

So Mr Courteous from Match refused to let me go when I dumped him mid-crisis last week so we have been messaging and chatting on the phone prior to our first date tonight. Because, for the first time ever, I have handled this iron old school (no heavy flirting, no multi-chatting, lots of finding out about each other's lives prior to meeting) I'm bricking myself - literally heart pounding, beta blocker time. I'm 85% certain nothing will come of this as he is a bit short and a bit far away, but you never know!

Ant, thank you for 'undercrackers'!!

StealthNinjaMum · 14/06/2019 16:45

Thanks @crustaceans its just scary because I don't feel I know him so feel miles away from saying it back. I wonder if he even remembers it, we have had a couple of drunk conversations that he's forgotten the next day.

@Sunshineandflipflops in my experience men seem to like black undies so I suspect your underwear is nicer than you think!

A question to @ant330 and other men do you have embarrassing underwear? it's not like you have periods to occasionally ruin a nice pair. My ex used to wear his til they had holes in them and I had to make him chuck them away (to much protest). I feel sorry for his next girlfriend as I haven't sorted through them for six months I hate to think what a state they are.

StealthNinjaMum · 14/06/2019 16:47

@CassettesAreCool @lilyrose88 I hope your dates go well tonight.

HairyArsedMan · 14/06/2019 17:45

Oh yeah I have some right dodgy scruds @StealthNinjaMum - stuff my ex mother-in-law bought me; novelty huge baggy y-fronts from a run to support prostate cancer; ancient ones possibly decades old where the elastic has gone and they expose my butt and fall down inside my trousers; whites ones that have gone grey; black ones that have gone grey; christmas ones; football ones.

But I only go on dates in my best M&S - like the ladies of this thread Grin

(apologies for this light-hearted interlude while some are suffering - hopefully you can move on @falaff, @Lovemusic33, @NestOfSwipers, @MrDrummer)