Dating thread 161: (Can anybody find me) somebody to love..?

[Sunshineandflipflops]

The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.

1. Develop a thick skin.
2. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
3. It's all BS until it actually happens.
4. Trust your gut instinct.
5. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
6. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
7. If it's not fun, stop.
8. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread?watched=1

@falaff Sorry to hear that. Like you say, at least you know now.

I don't find dating easy. I don't deal well with rejection, which is why I try and avoid it at all costs!

I am dating someone who lives with his parents and doesn't have a car and seems to only want to talk about/have sex and am not able to close the door on someone who doesn't want me enough to not want other people. I am also possibly in love with someone I've known for 14 years and can never have. My love life is a train wreck.

Just feel really down and dejected, dating is so hard, everyone else seems to find it so easy and I just can't cope with the rejection.

I don’t think anyone really finds it easy. Sometimes people might get lucky early on. But I think dating is just hard and often demoralising for most people.

I think I was very lucky to meet someone pretty quickly. But I found OLD really awful and depressing for the most part. In fact, I had pretty much decided I was giving up and deleting everything when I matched with MrSG.

But, even then, it’s not like you match, meet and then live happily ever after (Disney film style). Anything involving other people is tricky and you have to figure out so much to make things work.

What do you find so awful about being single? I only ask, because talking it through might help you to see things a bit differently.

Sorry to hear some people are finding dating so difficult.
I can definitely relate to the feeling that everyone seems to find it easy except me.

If you follow this thread then it can often feel like everyone else has lots of irons, is going on lots of dates or is in a relationship.
In reality almost everyone is struggling to find the right connection.

I'm trying to stick to just checking the apps once a day for messages. And distracting myself with other things.
I've also decided not to send any messages. Because I rarely get replies. So I'd rather not give myself that stress.

@Crustaceans I just desperately want a soulmate, someone to be close to. I crave physical affection, a cuddle, hug, kiss, whatever. I'm not used to being on my own - I've got an identical twin who I used to be very close to but now she's in another country, and I'm from a very close family. I'm a very intense person and seem to need a lot to keep me going, lots to do, lots of strong relationships, etc. even though I'm a bit of an introvert. It's so hard living alone and being single. I have lots of friends but I just don't have that close connection with anyone and I'm a very tactile person.

I've been pining after this guy for months and got very obsessed with him. It almost feels like I've broken up with someone. I think I've been hanging on the possibility and any sort of positive feedback from him, and I was quite confused after the last time we spent together that seemed very intense. But it was obviously just me.

At least I can move on now but it's going to be hard. He'll make it easy though as he's so shit at communicating and making plans, I bet if I don't make the effort (which I won't as I need some space to deal with it) I won't hear from him.

I've been to the pub straight after work so can't contribute much other than to say Sidge got it spot on. It's not buying Ikea furniture that should be the sign of a good relationship, it's building that furniture together! If you can get through that then there is definitely something good there imo.
I have form for this i know but I 'stupidly' drunken texted MissH declaring how I feel about her and... she loves it and feels the same, I'm a happy boy 😂 Smitten bench here I come 😉

@falaff hi, just wanted to add that if you have read these threads long enough, you see that most people seem to date, meet someone and then it all goes pear shaped after a couple of months. So I wouldn't just think everyone is finding it easy because I think it all goes in waves.

I think it's great that at least you now know where you stand and can move on. That's definitely for the best.

Hey all, I have name changed but used to come on this thread last year. Hope everyone is doing well.

Fully expecting a flaming here.

I was OLD for a year, met a guy (A) 7 months ago. He wanted to be exclusive almost straight away or nothing so I agreed to give it a go even though I did ask him if we could date more casually and get to know each other for a bit. We've had a few breaks as A is lovely, kind, generous, handsome, hardworking and loving but we are very different people. We both want a family and I am in my 30s so I have been trying to work through the differences and focus on the good. I enjoy his company but if I am honest, we dont have a lot in common.

Conversation can be a bit limited for me as although I try to take an interest in his interests or work, he doesn't really seem to reciprocate this by asking about mine although he listens when I talk.

There are cultural differences too but we seem to have thrashed the worst of these out except that I have not yet been to his house (he lives with his mum). I am not entirely happy with this but accept it is his culture.

I was away for work this week and a man (B) messaged me on WhatsApp. I'd chatted to him when dating but we didnt meet. I dont remember much about B from the first time round but we got chatting (I only replied to ask who it was) and he seems funny, smart and kind. We seem to share a sense of humour and have a lot to talk about (he works in the field I am looking to retrain in and had loads of advice so not flirting).

B is keen to meet. We haven't spoken about anything sexual or emotional or anything like that.

I feel like and doubtless am a total creep but to be honest I was wondering what to do. A is extremely kind to me and seems to be 'growing on' me for longer periods between me feeling we have little in common. Physically it is great and we are very affectionate.

What I'm asking is, would any of you recommend jacking this in and meeting B? I know might not even get on or fancy each other in person. If I decided NOT to do this, I would end contact with B. Not interested in an emotional affair. Alternatively, would you recommend sticking at what I have with A?

@YellowSkirt I think you should end things with A regardless of what happens with B. You don't seem that into him and certainly not enough to build a mutually satisfying LTR on 🤷🏻‍♀️. After 7 months and several breakups I don't think you should already be "working through issues" and having little in common - people are at their most interesting at the start of a relationship- if you're not feeling it now, you'll always feel like you've settled and keep looking for the next best thing. That's not fair on you or A.

Thank-you all so much for your responses. They have been really helpful.

@StealthNinjaMum She said at the time that I had made her judge herself and that if she hadn't been "a slag" in the past, she wouldn't have to worry about this because I admitted I wouldn't have been too worried if she had less partners.
Unfortunately, she specifically had dtd with 10 different bikers (from a biker bar) in the space of as many months back in her youth. This was brand new information that triggered my concern. I am not saying she didn't use protection, but I can imagine (and yes I am stereotyping that bikers might not be too picky about safe-sex and possible drug-taking/needle use). It was specifically the biker aspect that freaked me out. I did wonder if she had gotten the feels and then caught herself when that conversation came up. When we were discussing it on Sunday and she was saying she thought I was getting too invested and I said "I was never going to fall in love with her and that she wasn't going to fall in love with me, was she?"... she paused for several seconds before reply "no".

@Neverexpected2 I think she is burying her head, she said that she would get extremely anxious waiting for results. I get it, first time I was testing, I felt the same. This is my third time and its water off a duck's back to me. I didn't ask her if she was scared and she said not, but I think she was in self-preservation mode by then.

@Sunshineandflipflops This was the strange thing. We were seeing each other more often than I used to see my LTRs. Only difference was that dtd was expected when I went round.

@DaffoDeffo Obviously, I made a mistake by accepting her at her word but I think in my head the risk exposure had increased a lot based on the new information. As is stated on the thread later, as far as I knew, exposure wasn't guaranteed based on any time frame. I can see why and how she would be upset. I did try and explain that it was all about risk and nothing about moral judgement. Unfortanately, I think the moral stigma for STI and an inference that she had something was what was upsetting her. Regarding your herpes comments, I agree, I am starting to think the whole thing is pot luck, and even doing all the right things you are just reducing it, not eradicating it.

@Ant330 Given the advice I had received from the tester guy, I regret not going with this option.

@Easha I think she has her head buried in the sand and just doesn't want to deal with it.

@Crustaceans Yes, I think I am going to wait a lot longer before ditching the condoms. Unfortunately, I really struggle with them. I won't say why, but they seriously curtail the enjoyment.

@JeSuisPrest I think by the point I realised I had to say something, it was a shit-show. I was really hoping she would just say she would get tested, but I think she was adamant she wasn't going to be pushed into something she felt she didn't have to do.

@LilyRose88 Unfortunately, I think she thought us getting tested "together" was too much of a couply thing to do, IDK.

@midcenturylegs We have known each other for about a year and a half already. I did say that it's been playing on my mind that we shouldn't have ditched them so soon. I obviously hadn't dtd with someone else because I would have just had the test on my own. I know she felt judged and that definitely hurt her.

@HIVpos Very special thank-you for sharing. I read the thread you linked too. Extremely brave to detail your story and I can't imagine the stress it must have put you under. Clearly from the thread, the stigma is worse than the virus with current medical treatment. What is very frustrating was that your advice contradicts the advice the health professional gave. I believe you, over him. He seemed pretty laid-back about the whole thing and I got the impression he didn't really care much about HIV because we were talking heterosexual sex involving UK citizens. I opted for everything anyway, because... well... why not? I think your comment about "type" is so true. This was the mistake I made in that she is in a respected profession but it was only once the back-story came out that I got concerned.

Thank-you all again. I think it has helped me put it all into perspective and I have less of the wtf feeling in my head. I think if we are to start again, then I think I will go back to condoms but be okay with oral. It was when I suggested we would have to cut out oral that shit really hit the fan.

@falaff I'm sorry things didn't go as you hoped but at least you know now. @Eesha is absolutely right. I've been OLD for 9 months and spent 6 of them in relationships. Everything goes in cycles. No irons, lots of irons, exclusivity, dating, dumping. My nature is to be part of a couple. I've done it for 25 years out of my adult life and I'm only 43. It's all I know. I'm good at it. I too am a very physical person - I need affection, I feel like I wither a bit if I don't get it. I'm a bit embarrassed about how I've sought "affection" during the last 9 months but it got me through some difficult patches. To me there's nothing that can compare with that safe feeling of being wrapped up in a massive hug - nothing sexual, just the feeling of comfort. Like I can finally exhale all the stress and tension that I carry around with me - running the house, work, kids, parents, siblings, colleagues, exs, being the grown up in charge all the fucking time who everyone defers to. That shit is exhausting, but they all cease to exist for a few moments when I'm connected with someone who makes me feel "looked after". I'm pretty confident and outgoing irl, but in private I'm quite the introvert. It's my time to switch off and just be before the mask goes back on for Joe Public. Sorry that was a bit of a brain dump 🙈

I thought I'd feel better for knowing so that I could deal with it but I can't say that I'm not disappointed and I still don't really feel like I have closure as I don't know why he's no longer interested. He obviously got to know me and doesn't like me, which feels like a bigger rejection than if we hadn't gotten to know each other, particularly as I've gone the other way.

I'm going to write a big list of all the reasons why he's not right for me (there are quite a few, sadly my brain can't see that!) and hopefully it'll help.

@falaff It's early days lovely, it's bound to feel very raw at the moment. Please don't be down on yourself thinking you weren't good enough for him. You will be perfect for someone, but he is not that someone. It sucks when we have feelings for someone and they're not reciprocated, it's so hard not to feel rejected and they're perfectly natural feelings to have.

falaff it isn't that he got to know you and decided he doesn't like you, it's more likely that he simply felt you weren't compatible and he therefore wasn't right for you either..

I'm not going to be everybody's cup of tea, doesn't mean I'm not going to be the right guy for some women, and the same is true of you.
If you have a tendency to overinvest then I would suggest instigating chats with multiple irons and setting up 1st dates with more than 1 person. This should help you not become too heavily focused on guys that as you admitted in hindsight aren't right for you anyway.
Try not to spend too much time analysing what went wrong and why because the fact is you may never know for sure, chalk it up to experience and move on.
Drummer hindsight is a wonderful thing and tbh the biker thing would have raised alarm bells with me as well. It sounds like she's pretty down on herself for that period of her life and is scared what the test results may show. This could have been on her mind for a very long time and you've inadvertently shone a big spotlight on it.
I have a similar view to others though, whatever badge the two of you had put on it, sounded quite a bit like a relationship to me
Yellowskirt my advice for what it's worth is take B out of the equation because you haven't even met him yet so he's not really a factor in your decision.
JeSuis is right you shouldn't have that many issues so early in a relationship, imo you're just papering over the cracks in the hope they'll go away in time. They won't, they'll just become more obvious if you decide to properly settle down and start a family together. Don't underestimate the pressure having children can place on even the strongest of relationships.
In your shoes I would forget B for the time being and decide what's best for you and A.

I need some advice have been seeing someone for last 3 months we get in really well and he is such s nice guy

Have known him a long time so knew him before we started dating
I’m in process of getting divorced and have three children .... MrSliders has one child so we don’t see each other that often sometimes once a week max twice a week but that’s not very often

Have had lovely dates and lack of ability to see each other that often due to childcare keeps it exciting and fresh
As divorce isn’t finalised and probably won’t be for a while as exh ( who is father to the children but doesn’t see them) likes to argue about every point I’m conscious about not being too public with relationship or whatever it is with mr sliders only because I don’t want to aggravate situation further for divorce BUT it’s pretty aggravated anyway so I’m not sure it would make much difference
Anyway I wouldn’t introduce anyone to my kids until I knew it was s long term relationship and we were in love and vice Versa for him
But here is the dichotomy until we can spend more time together we are never going to get to that stage but we can’t spend more time together because I have my kids 100% of the time so until he meets them we can’t spend much more time together
I am also wondering if I should wait until after divorce is finalised to introduce this ? I’m just thinking long term here i wouldn’t consider it regardless until towards end of the year but just wondered if anyone had similar experience or advice ?

youread it’s tricky when there’s kids, I have got to this stage several times and have introduced hem to my kids only for it to go all wrong a few weeks later. I’m now wondering if I can even have a relationship until the kids are older (they are teens now)? I don’t think I will have a serious relationship until they leave home as it’s just to complicated and I don’t expect my kids to except other children into their home/family now they are teens. I know it does work for some people but I’m not sure I’m willing to take the risk. I’m happy just dating people outside of my home, once or twice a week is plenty for me.

I’m not having much luck on the apps but haven’t really been using them much. Been busy looking for a new 4 legged friend instead (much easier than a man friend).

MrDrummer I can kind of understand where your former FWB is coming from to be honest. I'd feel judged too, and I would have ended it. That said, in any FWB things I've had I've always insisted on condoms, and wouldn't have stopped using them without clear tests on both sides. Not sure that helps at all ...

Testing in the borough I live in means a day off work and a couple of hours sitting in a waiting room (it's a 'take a ticket' sort of system). Has anyone used the mail order tests? Not sure why I'm asking as I haven't passed the magical 'one year without a period' mark yet (and I'm 55!!) so we still need contraception 😳 I don't do hormones so it's condoms or abstinence ...

falaff Ant is right, but it does feel awful

I'm with MyOldBrain here re the difficulty of OLD. I started 13 months ago and have had dates with 8 men. Either I wasn't keen on them, or the ones I thought had potential mucked me about. I've had countless online conversations that led nowhere and, particularly this year, about 3-4 promised dates that never materialised. When I started, I never thought it would be so hard.

Mr Smiley. Update. He cancelled the date (I had done the work finding the pub...) and suggested next week. Later that day I told him my free evenings. Message seen but no reply. Yesterday, having spoken to a friend and my counsellor about it, I sent a short chatty no pressure message - asked about his car, joked that I'd lost yet sports game I play. He apparently has something major going on so I gave him some slack. My counsellor said if this thing was going on in his life, his head would be all over the place. As did my friend. The message was seen last night, but no reply. I feel bad for feeling cynical, yet at the same time I feel I'm being taken for a ride. If he's changed his mind, I just want him to say so. Two lines of message. How hard is that?!

I think the problem (or maybe it's good) thing with this thread is that when you are low, have been dumped, have no irons you come on and someone else has three and it can be hard to not take it personally. That said we're all different demographically and I really think that makes the biggest difference as to whether we have irons.

nestofswipers I would forget it. Like you say a two line message takes no time. Obviously I don't know what's going on his life but I would block him. He has no manners and that's an important quality in someone.

youread I'm in a similar boat that it is hard to really get to know someone until you've spent time with them so I am taking things slowly with Mr Runner. We talk a lot on the phone and see each other once a week. I would love to let him sleep in my bed and have a nice morning cuddle but that's just not appropriate with primary aged children in the house.

Anyway having said we are taking it slowly Mr Runner said he loved me last night which surprised me after a month of dating. Obviously it would be easy to be swept away by that declaration but he doesn't really know me so I am going to try to ignore it.

@NestOfSwipers I agree with @Stealthninjamum in that although he may have a lot going on, it doesn't take much to get back to you. Maybe he's just not in the right place to be dating at the moment.

I also think (re this thread) that we are all looking for different things, so while some people are looking to have a few irons on the go at the same time, others aren't and would rather find one person at a time who they feel some kind of connection with, which can be more difficult. I am more in the second camp so my irons are few and far between but that's my choice.

Ugh I'm at work crying in the toilets. So pathetic. Just feel really low about it all and that I'm not strong enough to be on my own. It really doesn't help that I live alone and don't have anything planned for this weekend, it's going to be a long one with just my brain.

I think the issue too is that my past 3 relationships I did the leaving and with this dating stuff I've been rejected by people I really like, who I thought really liked me back, and I don't really know why.

I feel like texting Mr Climber and asking him why he doesn't see us trying things again but that is probably a bad idea right?!

@falaff I completely understand why you want to contact Mr Climber. After my ex walked out I spent two months interrogating him to find out what I'd done wrong, I'd have done anything for him to stay. But I don't thinks there's anything you can do with that lnowledge, it really is two nice but unsuitable people, and soon you'll realise that. Please don't ask him to make a go of things, I did that and the rejection was unbearable.

I wish I could give you a hug.

@NestOfSwipers I'd let this one fade. If he really wanted to meet with you he would make it happen, and I think he's messing you about.

@StealthNinjaMum A declaration of love after a month??? How did you respond?

@Ant330 I've slid along the bench so there's a bit more room. I honestly do a bit of an excited handclap whenever I read your posts about MissH

I can't wait to see MrC tomorrow - last saw him on Monday morning and it's been a looooooong week. You know you're in trouble when you've worn a t shirt you "acquired" from his dirty laundry basket to bed every night for a week just so you can smell him.

@jesuisprest I just said he doesn't really know me and we were going to have fun getting to know each other better. I think alcohol played a part in the declaration.

@BatshitCrazyWoman We have the same system of waiting for your number at the GUM clinic but I'm told the waiting time is hours.
So I used Lets Get Checked. It was expensive but cheaper than me taking a day of work. Easy to use and the results were emailed through within a week.

@NestOfSwipers sorry to hear he's messing you around. I would just forget about him.
Easier to say when you have no other options, I know.
But keep the faith, there are men out there for us!

@falaff big hug for you. It is hard when you have no idea why they ended it. I've been there and I know you just go over and over everything trying to work out what went wrong.
But believe all of us, you did nothing wrong. It is just what happens with relationships.

I like writing things down. And I found FutureMe.org. You can write yourself a letter which will be emailed to you in the future.
I read the ones from a couple of years ago when I was dumped out of the blue with no explanation and I was thinking exactly the same.
What did I do wrong? But now I don't even give him a second thought.

JeSuis just need room enough for one cheek, still early days
Love the t-shirt stealing! 😂 and can totally sympathise with the long wait inbetween dates!