Dating thread 161: (Can anybody find me) somebody to love..?

[Sunshineandflipflops]

The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.

1. Develop a thick skin.
2. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
3. It's all BS until it actually happens.
4. Trust your gut instinct.
5. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
6. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
7. If it's not fun, stop.
8. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread?watched=1

@Sunshineandflipflops I had this problem with a guy I was dating last year. He lived with his parents and didn't drive (and had no money). We always ended up just sitting in at mine which I got bored of. But now I have options to go out with someone, I can't be bothered haha.

It appears that MN went a bit weird earlier. Sorry about the multiple posts.

I have missed the last 10 pages as I am away but oh tooold I hope you are ok? Virtual hug for you x

So sorry to hear this tooold. I've been absent with the thread and a bit behind. I'm a week into my breakup with Mr S and still pretty sad. 💔

Sorry to hear that TooOld
Glad to see you back NotCool sorry to hear you're feeling low

TooOld and NotCoolmum sorry to hear you're both feeling so low.

notcool for you too lovely

Sorry to hear your news tooold

Well date last night was ok. No spark as such and whilst I would have been happy to meet a second time to see if anything there I dont think he was feeling it either. We both sent the "lovely to meet you" texts after- with no mention of a repeat.

Hugs to you both Notcool and Tooold

Love - I drink very little and found a man who is similar (quite funny in restaurants when we say no wine, just water is fine 😂). My first dates were practically always daytime weekend cups of tea 😂

Can't remember who was talking about Fab, but I met Mr BC on there, when looking for another FWB. We're coming up to 3 months together now 💕

Notcool and Tooold sorry to hear about your breakups.

@mrdrummer do you think she thought you were judging her on her past behaviour. I know you aren't judgemental but it seems an extreme reaction for her to be shaking.

I can see why it would be odd to discuss after 2 1/2 months without being tested. I had a conversation with mr Runner on our first date but of course I am now wondering about oral sex.

mrdrummer I dont personally think you did anything wrong. She is acting a little odd about being tested if her history is as described and strikes me of wanting to bury her head rather than face a possible diagnosis

Wow @MrDrummer.

I think you were completely in the right. Sexual health isn't something to be flippant about and if you feel ready to sleep with someone then you should feel able to have an adult conversation about it!

It's actually refreshing to hear a man take on some responsibility around safe sex as in my experience, men just don't seem to think about protection and its the woman (me) who brings it up most of the time.

I'm afraid I don't really 'get'the whole FWB thing though as what you described is as much, if not more than I see someone in a relationship! And if it's exclusive then is that not a relationship?!

It sounds a bit like she protested a little too much and maybe has some fears she doesn't want to face? Unfortunately though, that also equates to a lack of respect for you and I would think twice before going back there if she "changes her mind".

I'm a fine one to talk at the minute but do as i say, not as I do!

I think if you have unprotected sex with someone for 2.5 months then suddenly start worrying and questioning about STIs, I too would be incredibly suspicious about why that would be if I'm brutally honest

If you'd raised it on day one it's a different story

I guess you find out more about someone as time goes on? But yes, I guess this should have come up earlier on really but at the same time it's not a big deal to get tested.

I'm just chatting with Mr SAS about tickets for this gig at the weekend. He has been looking out for tickets and twice now has sent me the link to ones he thinks are good and asked if I can book them and he'll send me the money.

Now obviously if I did this, the tickets would be in my name so if he changed his mind he wouldn't have a ticket but I would be a lot of money down and wouldn't know anyone else who would want to go and pay that much for a ticket.

I was seeing someone last year who was pretty full on pretty quickly and when I said i was booking a festival ticket for this summer, asked if i'd book him one too and he'd give me the money. I booked the tickets and he changed his mind about us. I've managed to get rid of the ticket and it's worked out fine but I'm just reluctant to make the same mistake!

I've told Mr SAS this (in fewer words) and that I'm happy to send him my money and him book but don't want to book both tickets. I trust him but it's a lit of money and I'm a single mum. Do I sound harsh? Too late anyway as I've sent the message!

Although he booked tickets for a gig we were supposed to go to last weekend and when I found out about his aversion for monogamy, i told him I wouldn't be going. He'd also booked a hotel. That was kind of his fault though...

Drummer I think if it was me I'd have just gone and got tested and not even raised it. I kind of agree with her horse has already bolted comment (although I'm no medical professional), but do question her reluctance to get tested even if just for her own peace of mind.
Is there any chance that her thinking you may have slept with somebody else has upset her and made her realise she was getting too close, and this is a good excuse to back away as she doesn't want a relationship?
Or is she simply offended/suspicious that you've raised it months later, which tbh I kind of understand.

@MrDrummer seems like she is carefree and likes having her head in the sand. You probably should have brought it up sooner but I'd worry a bit that she refuses to get tested no matter what. What is the harm?

I agree with @DaffoDeffo about the timing. I’d be wondering why it was an issue 2.5 months in. It’s really the sort of thing you bring up before having unprotected sex (or presumably don’t bring up at all). She will have wondered what prompted it, and explanations about what she did 20-30 years ago will just have felt judgmental.

I think the ‘what to do next time’ would be to have the testing conversation with a new partner before you ditch the condoms.

I think you did the right thing @Sunshineandflipflops. I wouldn’t have bought him a ticket either.

@MrDrummer Perhaps she felt you were judging her "numbers" and raking over the past. It's a difficult balancing act - I don't think either of you were in the wrong and you can't mess about with sexual health but after 20 years what did you think she could pass onto you - especially considering you'd already had 2.5 months with no protection? I don't think you were out of order, but neither do I think she was being weird.

@Sunshineandflipflops I agree - pay for your own ticket only - a few days is a long time in OLD!

@MrDrummer since I have been dating on OLD I have struggled to get guys to use protection and they always guilt trip me into saying that they are 'clean' and don't need to use condoms. I would be delighted if someone offered to use condoms until we got tested, and I have had two STI tests in the last two years as a result of being 'guilt tripped' into sleeping with guys without using a condom. Both times I have tested negative. I think the issue is that you had been sleeping with your FWB without using condoms, and you suddenly asked her to take a test/have safe sex. In that situation I might also ask what had changed, but I would like to think that I would be able to have a mature discussion about it. It does sound as though she has some fear about taking a test, which doesn't mean that she has an STI, it might be an anxiety issue.

It is a shame that the FWB arrangement that was working well for you has ended, but I think you did the right thing in thinking about your sexual health. Maybe the timing was a bit out, but quite a few STIs do not have any visible symptoms so she really ought to get tested for her own peace of mind.