Dating thread 161: (Can anybody find me) somebody to love..?

[Sunshineandflipflops]

The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.

1. Develop a thick skin.
2. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
3. It's all BS until it actually happens.
4. Trust your gut instinct.
5. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
6. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
7. If it's not fun, stop.
8. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread?watched=1

@falaff hes not helping. If you look at kallesi's post as well there are similarities.The man is flaking. Being indifferent/inconsistent over text. Good in person (when not flaking). Mixed messages. In my (admittedly limited) experience the situation doesn't improve and they're suddenly consistent and reliable.....this is supposed to be the honeymoon period. When it's easy. And you both feel equally excited. Not one person anxiously trying to figure out the other person's motives

@falaff I say - take control. Decide if this makes you feel good and it's what you want.

The limerance thing is really interesting. After I split with STBXH I had a complicated on/off thing and I was utterly obsessed. To the point of slight madness and it was all consuming. He was totally hot and cold all the time and I never knew where I was. I couldn't go NC due to circumstances. It was awful. He finally attempted to have a relationship with me and instead of being all happy and smitten I was just a bit... whatever. I thought it was me, that I couldn't have a relationship because I'd wanted him sooooo much until I got him. But what @supercali77 says makes so much sense. @falaff I remember the whole mr climber dilemma. I seem to remember the thread telling you to lay it on the line with him. Well if you're feeling anywhere near as bad as I was then you need to move it on. Ask him. If he says no then go NC. Honestly it'll be better.

@KhaleesiTargaryen yeah I think the potent mix of being amazing. There being chemistry etc but it being very sporadic. Hot and cold. It kinda gets you hooked on them. And you cant really see them as objectively as you would if they were consistent.

@Peanuthedz it really gets ya doesn't it? I've just got out of one that started a year ago. Mostly off but since christmas on again off again. Up and down. Mixed signals. It sent me loopy. I'm a grown woman with children. I ended it twice as a result and each time he reeled me back with big words about how I was the one and then the backing off would begin again. Absolute headfuck. So, this last time I had to go NC. Its interesting what you said about being meh when he finally decided to try a relationship. In the last fortnight or so of mine, I'd sort of switched off emotionally as well.

Next time I see him I'm going to ask him. I meant to do it last time and I wish I had. It's just making me feel really shit. I'm 95% sure he's not interested anyway but even if he's supposed to be a friend, you don't really treat people like that. If you like someone in any way, you at least make the effort to spend time with them or at least communicate properly. He knows I hate the whole 'read and not replied' thing and since I told him that (I said he gave me message anxiety) he seems to be doing it more.

I need to write a list of his flaws and stop putting him on a pedestal and move on. There are better people out there. I have no idea why I've become so infactuated with him!! Stupid brain .

Also. Anyone dealing with this. Mixed signals. Feeling like you they dont see your value or you're being messed around. This really hit the nail on the head for me
www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/finding-love/201103/attractions-inspiration-and-attractions-deprivation

@Peanuthedz you have it exactly right and that's what I'm going to do. Doesn't help that I live around the corner from him, have the same bike commute to work and we go to the same climbing places, I'll run into him. But I'll just tell him how it is, that I need some space.

I was all geared up to tell him yesterday and he ruined it! I have listened to you guys, you give great advice, I just haven't had the opportunity.

I really hope I can get over this soon and move on, life is too short.

@falaff just text him it? Hes flaked on you. Doesn't communicate. Listened to your concerns and ignored you. You can easily say....I wanted to do this the other night but since you cancelled I didnt want to wait another week

@falaff I agree with @supercali77 nobody should be made to feel like this. Take control of the situation and tell him. You will feel better for standing your ground and setting your boundaries.

Yeah guys you're right. I just don't want to make it awkward and I'm embarrassed about it all too. I kinda wanted to do it in person, it feels weird over text. I will sleep on it and see how I feel. I'm quite shy about these things so I'm finding this all hard to deal with!

:(

@falaff I'm really shy and find talking about these things face to face really hard. I'm better at texting as I feel braver in what I say and it gives me more time to think of the right thing to say or questions I want to ask.

JeSuis great update and 😂 Mt BC packed .... something ... we've had a lot of fun with when we went away for my birthday. Thank fuck customs didn't search his bag .... 😂😂

Ant great to see you on the smitten bench.

I'm much morr like a man with dtd and can do it with no emotional entanglememts. Love it with feelings, though 😍

I know I probably sound it 🤣 but I'm not admitting to being on the smitten bench, it's too soon to be getting carried away. I've seen how quickly things can change when the initial excitement starts to fade a bit.
What I will say is the few weeks with MissOz made it much clearer what I want and find attractive in a person and vice versa.
And so far there is a lot to like about MissH and nothing apparently wrong with her, hopefully she feels the same

CocoKoko123 It's been about 4.5 months all together, but about 2 months exclusively.

Message delivered two hours ago but not read...

@supercali77 that article made so much sense. Trouble is, I can't practise any of my new skills without actually going on any dates... Grr!!

@Great article and great advice/insight. It’s so intoxicating and yes, I felt almost obsessive about it. Then the messages, the affection the tenderness just melted everything away til I was left in the cold land of doubt...

@ I’d just text him as super suggested. Why do we tiptoe around things like this. We are afraid they’ll agree? Or they’ll reel us in again when we know it’s not right?

In other news, I have a date this week with new guy I matched with at the weekend. Nice chat tonight. Quite excited as he seems fun, normal 😂 and good looks too. But I’ve learned my lesson (the hard way).... and will tread carefully.

Had my fingers burned by Mr Fireman 👨‍🚒

Don’t know what happened to my tags that should have been @supercali77 and @falaff

Can i ask for some sage advice? I met someone irl at the weekend (on a night out) ended up back at his but didn't dtd (he was too pissed) but did do everything but... arranged to meet tomorrow evening for a drink but haven't heard anything to give time/place...

I'm totally in intermittent reinforcement land and am a wreck! Can't focus etc. I only want fun at the moment and he knows that. Oh, and he's quite a bit younger than me... have I been ghosted?

He could be a late planner who gets in touch tomorrow?

But if he leaves it too late/doesn't text, bin him - he'll hit you up for sex probably

But a chance he's just a late doer maybe

Misty if you didn’t hear last night I’d be a bit skeptical.
Ant- fingers crossed it is what it seems
Supercali- great article. In real life I def go for the instant electric. Think that’s why mrmessy is so interesting. I deleted apps and know I should be on them not messaging him as it’s a recipe for disaster- but an exciting one. Probably ended good people for fire!
I didn’t reply to mr races horny message sat and haven’t heard from him since! Shame but not for me if nothing else.
Meeting mrarmy tomorrow for first date. Just a coffee after work. He seems so nice worry too nice. God I hate my head sometimes. Praying I can feel the spark when I see him and can distract me to stop messing with mr messy

NestofSwipers have you heard anything yet?

@ccgirr what's mr messys relationship history?

I'm reading a book at the moment on attachment styles and it's as youd expect. In your 20s there are far more secure (loyal, secure, committed) attachment styles on the dating market, but in your 40s its dominated by avoidants (non committal, can be disloyal) and insecure (less of these) and some secures. It made slightly depressing reading, however I realised as is often said, this is just a numbers game. No point taking the commitmentphobe personally. The main thing I think for me is to try to get a read on someone before I sleep with them/fall for them. If I'd known 6 mo ago what i know now I'd have seen what happened to me coming. It was all there. Anyway, sorry for the rambling post

Apologies for my typos yesterday evening 😂 my phone battery was dying so I just hit the post button!

Misty he might be a last minute kind of guy - or he may disappear Personally, I wouldn't text or 'chase' in any way but others would say to send a breezy text asking about arrangements.

What's the book called super? Sounds interesting. I do think people can change post-divorce - I definitely wanted more casual fun for a few years, then gradually realised I wanted a committed relationship.