Dating thread 161: (Can anybody find me) somebody to love..?

[Sunshineandflipflops]

The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.

1. Develop a thick skin.
2. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
3. It's all BS until it actually happens.
4. Trust your gut instinct.
5. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
6. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
7. If it's not fun, stop.
8. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread?watched=1

The whole dtd thing is such a minefield, isn't it? Even more so than OLD.

I think (and I don't speak for all men) that us guys can dtd quite easily without any sort of emotional investment, whereas, (and I don't speak for all women! ) in my experience there (usually) has to be some emotional investment for the woman.

Stands back and expects to be shot at dawn..

I'd agree about the emotional investment @AverageGuy

I've broken rules of OLD, got emotionally invested far too soon.

But blimey, he certainly put in the work to get sex. Loads of messaging, we (so I thought) got on really well, he was an absolute gent on the first date, he fed me all the usual lines of "I am looking for more than sex" . And now I feel like such an idiot.

I wish I didnt "feel" as much and I wish I could become more detached.

I agree with you @AverageGuy I think as women we do over invest more and esp after DTD. I've learnt the hard way, to not attach myself so much and actually look at DTD as fun rather than thinking where it might go. (Still learning to try and do this, actually)

Oh and @LooUpdate I don't think it's a red flag as such, but you've had doubts since yesterday. Maybe that is your gut and now you are looking for issues.

If you have concerns this early on, it might be best to leave it

I think we put so much importance on DTD because (imo) we may have been brought up to believe that sex was only for married couples, or that it's "dirty", or something similar.

I now realise that it's far more than that. It's definitely fun, but if that's all you want out of a relationship, I think it's important to be honest about it, even though you will lose many more matches / dates than you get (for a man anyway!)

So, all going well with MrMetal after the little wobble with him logging into fab a few weeks ago (it was definitely a turning point, made him think about what he wants) he's met my dc which went well (first bloke to get that far) plans are being made for me to meet his. I'm really struggling to drop the L bomb though, I have the feelings and I want to but it's just not coming out of my mouth, might need alcohol. I'm sure he'll reciprocate and he's waiting for me to say it first. I've considered dropping it in all casual at the end of a phone call but is that cowardly???

On the job snob thing, I find that when people find out I'm in a new relationship they ask his name followed by what does he do? and because I'm fairly senior in a professional job they expect him to be the same, and sometimes there's a look when he's in a skilled manual job, albeit supervisory. I don't care what job a man has as long as he has one and he can support himself and any children, I'm not looking for a cocklodger but I also don't need a man to support me financially.

@likeridingabike I love hearing this as I remember that with Fab and the doubts it planted. I think it's great to see it gave him the kick he needed.

I agree about the sex thing. I think men and women generally think about it in different ways and maybe that's a biological thing, maybe it's a social thing or maybe it's a bit of both.

But sex is fun for both men and women (or at least it should be) and it should be just as ok for women to have sex for pleasure as men but I don't think we are there as a society yet.

Date number two with Mr Art tomorrow and as we are going to eat round the corner from my house, there is a chance we will end he evening back here but I'm going to see how I feel tomorrow as to what happens. He will have a train to catch so we have a cut off time, which may not be a bad thing!

I think my iron is a bit old fashioned about sex, I have met several guys who have only slept with 3 or 4 people and believe you need to be in a serious relationship to DTD, of course a lot of men do not think like that and are just looking for sex. Mr Banter was with his last partner (mother of his dd) for 20 years and it sounds like he hasn’t been with many people since they split 8 years ago, I feel like a bit of a whore as I have slept with quite a few people since splitting with my ex 4 years ago

Hi hi, can I join?

Lifegoes It definitely gave him a kick up the backside, he realised he almost blew it and got a bit of a shock at how upset he was about that. A combination of him having been single and avoiding commitment for years and the emotional baggage from his ex cheating, it's been a rollercoaster for both of us.

To the men on this thread...just out of interest, would you (generally) think any less of a woman who dtd on a second date as on a third/fourth/fifth...? Honestly...

@Sunshineandflipflops that's a good question which I'd be interested in but I doubt you'd get a truly honest answer for fear of men getting flamed on here!

Sunshine before I started dating again my answer to that would have been yes.
However having waited till 5th date with MissOz but only 2nd date with MissHair the answer is no. And we almost did on the 1st date and I don't think any less of her, we just got caught up in the moment.
But I might not be the best judge as I think I'm incapable of thinking less of her at the moment.

@Ant330 😍😍😍

@Sunshineandflipflops I wouldn't think any less no, @Ant330 has it right, if anything DTD early on springs from a mutual feeling of couldn't be more right.

@Sunshineandflipflops

It isn’t something I would personally do, but I’m not bothered by how long someone has known a person before they have sex with them.

Surely if someone was bothered they also wouldn’t be having sex with someone after a couple of dates.

@SimonJT Yes, you're right but sadly it's often double standards where men and women are concerned!

I think we put so much importance on DTD because (imo) we may have been brought up to believe that sex was only for married couples, or that it's "dirty", or something similar.

I was brought up to believe that sex was dirty. It was never discussed. That is probably why I have so many issues about just going out and having some fun.

Lovemusic33 please don't call yourself a whore. You're not.
You've had different experiences, that's all. Perhaps he hasn't had the opportunity.

Sunshineandflipflops it shouldn't matter but I think sometimes it does because of those double standards. In which case would you want to be with someone who would judge you like that?

@KhaleesiTargaryen re fireman. It will be. Inconsistency = intermittent reinforcement = sends people and animals mad trying to get the positive response. If it carries on into a relationship - picture it. Consistency is what I would look for now without a doubt.

Thanks guys. I'll look for the thread. I've been reading about it and I think it's just how I am, I get obsessed about things and I have a lot of anxiety. He's awful at messaging and inbetween meeting him I get totally convinced he hates me.

It's the not knowing thing that's killing me. I was supposed to deal with it yesterday but he cancelled. Sigh.

At this point I would rather have a no than carry on like this, it's exhausting :(

Just sipping on to welcome mum to the thread
Great update jesuis
ant great to hear you're on the smitten bench
like glad to eat things are back on track with mr metal-how long have you been seeing each other? I fest dropped L bomb to my bf accidentally when I said 'love you' when ending a call to him a while back!
Enjoying reading the rest of the thread - apologies for not commenting on everyone else's shenanigans - I just can't keep up!

I wish I was having shenanigans. Just dropped a casual message to Mr Smiley asking if we were still meeting up. Watch this space, but don't hold your breath...

@supercali77 you’re right. And looking back he was inconsistent from the start but when he was nice he was absolutely amazing... when we weren’t together, just texting in between, he was almost indifferent at times, but really affectionate at other times... usually when he’d contacted me first.

It’s all falling into place.