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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Why does he do this?

861 replies

Sausageroll123 · 03/06/2019 20:31

Been with partner for 2 years. Kids involved (not jointly). We live separately.

Anyway. If we ever have an argument it always ends up with me being treated the silent treatment until I have basically harassed him in to talking to me again.

Currently happening right now. I saw he'd liked a photo of a semi naked girl on social media and said it upset me slightly. He turned round and said this isn't working, and has now ignored me all day.

Whenever I bring up something I'm unhappy about that he's done, I get the same 'this isn't working', and then however many days of silence until I can get him out of it.

I just don't understand why he does it?

OP posts:
Johngon · 03/06/2019 23:09

Issues with communication!? He is ignoring you for days
Quite an issue.

If you get on great whats the problem?
You dont get on great. Every now and again he ignores you for a few days. And its a relatively new relationship. It aint gonna get better. This is the honeymoon.

Original poster
Sausageroll123 · 03/06/2019 23:10

He makes me laugh, makes me feel safe, we have the same interests, he's brilliant with my kids, I'm very attracted to him, helps me any time I need it...

OP posts:
MrMagooo · 03/06/2019 23:10

Then ignores you for days.

Miniloso · 03/06/2019 23:11

Surely this can’t be for real.

OP, if you love him and are happy to be treated like this then just get on with it.

I’d have thrown a brick through his window.

Walkamileinmyshoesbeforeujudge · 03/06/2019 23:11

Best idea would be loving your dd enough to give her a nice life....
Sorry op but she deserves more even if you don't believe you do...

Pimmsypimms · 03/06/2019 23:14

But this is abuse op. What he is doing is mental abuse. It's affecting your mental health. He knows exactly how to manipulate you with the silent treatment and he knows you will always beg him to come around and never mention the shitty thing that he did in the first place. He is controlling you to not question him. I cannot believe that he completely ignored you for 30 minutes when you knocked on the door! Who would do that to someone they are in a relationship with!! It will only get worse op, you'll be treading on eggshells before you know it, and to ignore texts from your dd, He's an arsehole, I would never allow someone i was in a relationship with to treat my dd like that.

lifebegins50 · 03/06/2019 23:14

You asked why, and have been told why.

You are choosing to ignore the feedback from everyone.

The internet is full of explanstions as to why stonewalling is abusive but you are choosing to label it as communication issues. He chose to ignore you and you chose to beg him to talk to you.

Crack on, I doubt you are listening as you lurve him...Prediction, He will get worse (especially after you have shown how desperate you are for his attention) and you will still crawl back to him.

CaptSkippy · 03/06/2019 23:14

Do you still feel safe when he is ignoring you?

Could it not be that you appreciate these (no offense, but imo fairly generic) traits of his more, because they are so different from the times he is freeazing you out?
Because I cannot imagine him not talking to you makes you laugh. You can't share any interests when he isn't talking to you at all. He even punishes your kids when he is upset with you.

And helping a partner in need is a bare minimum in a relationship.

MrMagooo · 03/06/2019 23:15

I don't know what the latest argument was about but next time he feels like talking to you again bring up what you argued about and see his reaction. Force him to speak about it and tell him you won't be treated like he treats you again and if he can't discuss things in an adult manner you are done.

Or

You can just keep sweeping things under the carpet and continue to be ignored. Let's say you end up living with him is he going to ignore you then or disappear for days leaving you with his children or running back to his mums.

What you need to realise is he is treating you like SHIT and you are letting him.

By all means stay with him if that's what you want but don't let him treat you like shit. Dump him and take some power back and never stand for this again.

Mrsmummy90 · 03/06/2019 23:16

In the same post you've said that he's ignored your daughter and upset her and have also said that he's brilliant with your kids.
You are constantly contradicting yourself. Please wake up and smell the coffee!

Mustgetonwithit · 03/06/2019 23:16

OP-it IS controlling behaviour. Its covert and manipulative which is why you cant recognise it for what it is. Have been there and took me ages to suddenly realise that I was being affected and my responses to certain situations were conditioned by the other person. This included the silent treatment. Its like a child having a tantrum to get their own way. They soon learn that if the adult gives in then thats how they get what that want. Except this is an adult and its more serious. Hes probably controlling you more than you realise its only when you eg give an opinion/object etc that he responds like this. If you are towing the line at other times then if course for the majority of the time he wont be controlling, as you say, because of course, then he doesnt need to. You have dc already, ask yourself, do you need a fully grown one? He will eat away at yr self-esteem until you dont recognise yrself. This isnt meant to scare you. Just be aware. Sorry yr being treated like this. Dont let yrself be treated like this any longer. I wish u the best.

Walkamileinmyshoesbeforeujudge · 03/06/2019 23:18

Op he is the fisherman and you are the fish. Reeling you in again and again.

Or a doormat.

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 03/06/2019 23:21

He's controlling and abusive

You need to pull your big girl pants up and text him, tell him that actually he's right, this is not working, goodbye.

He'd be out on his ear for treating my DC like that, let alone anything else

What a loser!

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 03/06/2019 23:21

Take back some control

For the sake of your DCs

Mustgetonwithit · 03/06/2019 23:22

Just read the bit about you standing outside his front door for half hour-scrap what I said-you have already lost self-esteem and respect of this man. Thats why he left you outside his front door-like the other poster said-he sees you as a doormat.

AnyFucker · 03/06/2019 23:22

You might feel "safe" but I bet your daughter isn't feeling very "safe" right now

Passtherioja · 03/06/2019 23:30

If you love him and you're willing to continue to take this type of behaviour then carry on if you must but you'll need to find a way to protect your children from it otherwise they will think thus is normal (and it's really not!!!)

Personally...sit it out for longer if you don't want to finish things but be ready for him to move things up a gear..."I was on a break!!"

Ultimately the advice you've had on here is sound-he's training you to not question him so he can control you. You really need to get rid, but if you choose not to then you know what conflict will bring!

Closetbeanmuncher · 03/06/2019 23:31

AnyFucker has it.

Sounds like a complete waste of time to me.

Motherofdragonss · 03/06/2019 23:38

Op, seriously why have you posted on here? For people to give you a “there there” and he will soon come back to you.

The man is a cock wart. Get rid of him, realise your worth and stop appearing so desperate. You are playing right into his hands and he is lapping it up. What would you be telling your daughter if she was going through the same?

2018SoFarSoGreat · 03/06/2019 23:46

OP listen to the posters here. This man is not in a committed relationship. He is taking several days off whenever he feels like it. Days off of being in a relationship. To do who knows what. He is abusive, and you are letting him do it over and over. That's no way to live.

Skittlesandbeer · 03/06/2019 23:50

He was likely sitting in his house, listening to your knocking and pleas to ‘sort things out’ and thinking ‘Geez, this would be so much better for me if it was raining on Sausageroll, while I make her wait. Or snow, that would have been even more satisfying.’

You know this, right?

That safe-making, kind, funny man you seem so keen so chain yourself to?

Go and find out what everyone on this thread already knows. Work with a therapist to discover what happened to you in your childhood that programmed you to think you’re not worthy of being properly loved and cherished by a normal man. Do it for your DD.

BummyKnocker · 04/06/2019 00:03

Why don't you imagine what is going through his head when he is ignoring you for half an hour, which you as a gown up enabled. I bet he bloody loved having you begging for his attention. WORSE , think what when he deliberately ignored your daughter? Confused

If you stay with this man you are condoning his behaviour toward your daughter, and telling her about how a man may behave in relationships. This is her role model shame on you.

Lillygolightly · 04/06/2019 00:05

Helps you whenever your need it? Except when you knock in his door for literally half an hour?

Makes you feel safe? Really? You feel safe right now? The only time you feel safe is when your compliant and on his good side and even this is soured by the fact it is only ever temporary in lieu of his next dose of silent treatment.

He’s good with your kids, so what lots of men can be good with kids, it doesn’t make them good partners.

Honestly this will end in one of 2 ways;

  1. He will eventually mean it when he says it isn’t working and he’s done. You’ll chase him to fix it because let’s face it you won’t believe it because he always does/says this right. He will be calling you a stalker, crazy ex who is obsessed and refuses to let go to all and sundry. What is even worse is you’ll totally look like one because it’s how he has conditioned you to behave.

  2. He will do his usual threatening line if it’s not working followed by his silent treatment and you’ll be so sick of it that you decide to end it because you can’t be arsed with it. This is the best option in my opinion, it’s just a matter of how long (how many wasted years it will take you to get there) it takes you to get there and he could always end up beating you there by doing option 1 first.

Seriously I know your in the fog of love and can’t seem to let go or the dream of him and wake up to the reality. Heartbreak is coming sooner or later if I were you I’d rather it was sooner so I could get on to meeting someone who could treat me with enough respect to not ignore me and have an adult discussion about relationships issues.

LTB!!!

MrsTerryPratchett · 04/06/2019 00:12

He ignores your child to punish you.

And you think it's not abusive.

Absolutepowercorrupts · 04/06/2019 00:16

makes you feel safe
When you're knocking on his door for 30 minutes and he ignores you. How safe are you then? He's a controlling fucker and this will get worse.
Op please just give up, is there one person on this thread who has said, yes he's a lovely man stick with him and it will come good.

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