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Original poster

Why does he do this?

861 replies

Sausageroll123 · 03/06/2019 20:31

Been with partner for 2 years. Kids involved (not jointly). We live separately.

Anyway. If we ever have an argument it always ends up with me being treated the silent treatment until I have basically harassed him in to talking to me again.

Currently happening right now. I saw he'd liked a photo of a semi naked girl on social media and said it upset me slightly. He turned round and said this isn't working, and has now ignored me all day.

Whenever I bring up something I'm unhappy about that he's done, I get the same 'this isn't working', and then however many days of silence until I can get him out of it.

I just don't understand why he does it?

OP posts:
SunsetSimulator · 03/06/2019 20:49

He tells you the relationship isn't working. Do you not listen/ react/ respond when he says that? Or do you take as an empty threat? I don't think it's ok that he keeps saying that unless he means it.

Does he apologise/ retract?
And then you properly hash out the issue in question?

And if he does mean it every time he says it, well then it's not working, he's right.

Honestly? It is just not good enough.

He says it because he doesn't want to be held to account. He is the boss.

Absolutepowercorrupts · 03/06/2019 20:50

There is no point in trying to understand why he behaves like this. Only he knows why he does this. It doesn't matter why he gives you the silent treatment, it just matters that he does. You cannot control his actions or his behaviour, all you can do is deal with your reactions. As pp have said, you'll start changing your behaviour, you'll stop telling him when things he does upset you. This is a form of controlling you so that you don't express any disapproval of his behaviour.
You have harassed him into talking to you. Give up, stop begging this twat to be involved with you. If it gets to 4 days, then that's 4 days into a life without a controlling partner. Keep going until you get to 365 days without talking to him. He's just going to get worse. Cut him loose, let him go, get rid of him.

Original poster
Sausageroll123 · 03/06/2019 20:52

I've always taken the 'this isn't working' as an empty threat as I always manage to talk him round, and whatever caused the argument is never spoken about again

OP posts:
BitOfFun · 03/06/2019 20:53

"I agree- this isn't working. You can collect your stuff on X day."

Job done.

Absolutepowercorrupts · 03/06/2019 20:53

I didn't see Bluntness100 or AnyFucker posts but I'm definitely with them. He's an arse, get rid.

DameFanny · 03/06/2019 20:54

Stop 'talking him round'.

Say 'ok, it's not working for you, what do you want to do about it?'.

Listen.

And then probably chuck him out.

Walkamileinmyshoesbeforeujudge · 03/06/2019 20:54

Ime he is making you be grateful for the good times. Ime also, taking advantage that your dc are also invested in your relationship... Keeps you accepting more crap than maybe if you had no dc....

Guiltypleasures001 · 03/06/2019 20:54

For the sake of something different, why don't you text him back, actually after some thought
Your right it's not.

Then you can sit back and watch what he does, personally I wouldn't put up with this crap and bin him.

Chloemol · 03/06/2019 20:58

JUst leave him to it, let him make the first move. Think long and hard if you really want this sort of relationship

Original poster
Sausageroll123 · 03/06/2019 20:58

Nothing else he does is controlling though, and both me and the kids love him

OP posts:
Original poster
Sausageroll123 · 03/06/2019 20:59

Although saying that, my dd text him a few times today (doesn't know what's happened), and he's ignored them, which has upset her a bit as he usually replies

OP posts:
Guiltypleasures001 · 03/06/2019 21:01

Ignoring my kid is a hanging offence sorry, he's an immature fuckwit

AnyFucker · 03/06/2019 21:01

So...he has you properly under the cosh and now he has started on your daughter

Both of you are training her well to be subservient to men

poopypants · 03/06/2019 21:03

I'd tell him that you agree, this juvenile lack of proper communication isn't working.

Silversky70 · 03/06/2019 21:05

whatever caused the argument is never spoken about again

There you go...

Michaelbaubles · 03/06/2019 21:08

So you “talk him round” - in other words, he can treat you like shit and you beg him to reconsider. Of course he keeps doing it. What a delicious position for him to be in. You dangling on a thread scared he’ll leave and him able to flounce off and do what he likes for days on end knowing you’re on tenterhooks at home. It’s fun for him. That’s why he does it.

AnyFucker · 03/06/2019 21:09

sport that's what it is

Not much football on the telly...I know, I'll wind the missus up and watch her dance.

Pearlfish · 03/06/2019 21:10

Whatever caused the argument is never spoken about again - this is why he does it.

Johngon · 03/06/2019 21:15

He might be genuine. It isnt working for him. He is breaking up with you but then "cracks" as you are persistent and its easier carrying on with sex and some company and limited commitment than having the difficult conversation (properly breaking up) and following through asking you not to contact him again. Etc.

Stop "talking him around". It isnt working. "Hes not that into you" and you deserve better anyway.

BitOfFun · 03/06/2019 21:25

It is unforgivable to do that to your little daughter. You are really setting her up to accept all sorts of shite from men if you continue this relationship. She will get over you splitting up much more easily than you imagine; what will prime her for a future of abusive relationships is if she learns from you that rude and sulky twats are to be tiptoed around and indulged.

pigeonscooing · 03/06/2019 21:26

I always manage to talk him round, and whatever caused the argument is never spoken about again

Nothing else he does is controlling though Really? But everything you've ever argued about is never spoken about again. Why not? He is controlling you, isn't he? There are things you aren't allowed to discuss because you know he'll kick off and give you the silent treatment again.

PenelopePink · 03/06/2019 21:33

Think of it like this - he’s training you to behave as he wants you to, you’re a toddler he puts on the naughty step.

I’ve been where you are and it’s horrible. I ended up seeing a therapist who said he was punishing me for being someone that wasn’t an extension of him ( ie having different views).

It’s abusive op.

Youwantshoesinashoeshop · 03/06/2019 21:33

Absolute deal breaker. Sign of a) passive aggression b) control issues and entitlement c) inability to discuss feelings d) inability to accept any responsibility for anything.
A very fragile ego and you will pay if you stay.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 03/06/2019 21:34

It’s still early days and you don’t live together so I’m sure he’s keeping his controlling mask on, with the exception of his sulking.

If course it’s never spoken about again, I presume you don’t bring it up or force the issue again once he’s back talking to you? That’s handy for him

You mention you are unhappy with his behaviour (liking photos of women on Instagram)
He sulks
You talk him round after a few days
You don’t mention it again as to not incur the sulking again
He carrys I’m liking photos on fb
You say nothing as you’ll know he’ll sulk

Eventually you’ll learn to adjust your behaviour on mentioning the photos likes, then other things you stop doing because he’ll sulk. Then he’ll have you nicely trained to never disagree or pull him up in his behaviour.

Do yourself a favour, next time he sulks, don’t try and talk him round, leave him to his own behaviour

pallisers · 03/06/2019 21:38

it does it because it means instead of you expressing your justifiable annoyance at him being creepy about half naked girls on instagram, he gets to have you grovelling and apologising and begging him to talk to you.

Why wouldn't he do that (given that he is a prick - a nice man wouldn't do this)? It is a lovely win win for him - you get to apologise and grovel when he does something wrong.

A better question would be "why do I put up with this and play this stupid game? (and why am I letting my dd do the same?)

Ask that one instead.