Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Why does he do this?

861 replies

Sausageroll123 · 03/06/2019 20:31

Been with partner for 2 years. Kids involved (not jointly). We live separately.

Anyway. If we ever have an argument it always ends up with me being treated the silent treatment until I have basically harassed him in to talking to me again.

Currently happening right now. I saw he'd liked a photo of a semi naked girl on social media and said it upset me slightly. He turned round and said this isn't working, and has now ignored me all day.

Whenever I bring up something I'm unhappy about that he's done, I get the same 'this isn't working', and then however many days of silence until I can get him out of it.

I just don't understand why he does it?

OP posts:
TooTrusting · 04/06/2019 00:29

I could cry. This is how my abusive, violent, controlling relationship started. And I paved the way by putting up with it and trying to make it all better, just like you are. It's all part of the manipulation, the cycle of rejection then pulling you back in. Please, please don't.

AtrociousCircumstance · 04/06/2019 00:39

He ignored your child and she has hurt feelings.

And that’s ok with you - still think he’s great with your kids? He’s being a prick to them as well as you.

Your standards are so low I’m embarrassed for you. To stand outside his house for so long is so, so desperate. Christ woman. Respect yourself. Ignore him.

I have no idea why you think it’s ok to have someone in your life who behaves like that with your child. Let alone how he treats you.

Absolutepowercorrupts · 04/06/2019 00:46

@Sausageroll123
When he says it's not working and cuts contact for a few days. How do you feel then? From your posts it appears that you beg and debase yourself to get him back.. because you love him. Why in any mythical Gods name do you put up with this shit. He's a grade A first class coercive control abuser.
Google the freedom programme and take that course. Read Lundy Bancroft book on Why does he do that. Get the hell out of this relationship as fast as you can. Also google Stockholm syndrome

BitOfFun · 04/06/2019 00:51

Crack on then, love.

PickAChew · 04/06/2019 00:53

If he made you feel safe, you wouldn't have started this thread.

Blondebakingmumma · 04/06/2019 01:13

OP this man is terribly abusive. He’s not bad at communicating, he knows what he’s doing. You realize his silent treatment is punishment for daring to question him? Whatever you fight about never is spoken about again!
Please don’t role model to your daughter how she should let men treat her this way. Walk away

Poppy43 · 04/06/2019 01:41

Get out now
For the sake of your daughter
For the sake of your sanity

Hard, but get rid.

TakeBathsNotDrugs · 04/06/2019 02:26

If you don't respect yourself enough not to be treat like this please have enough respect for your dd and let him treat her like shit and have her wondering what's she's done wrong to upset him etc.

This man isn't bad at communicating and he knows exactly what he's doing, when you're doing as he wants and he's getting his own way life is great but when you rightly call him out on inappropriate behaviour or want to to discuss issues like an adult he fucks off for day and goes quiet as a way to make you stop calling him out on shitty behaviour.

I wouldn't be surprised if he thinks those days apart are "breaks" and has viewed himself single.

I really do understand putting up with shit behaviour when self esteem or confidence is low etc but no way would I allow a man to treat my child like shot and ignore her to either punish me or because she has opinions that differ to his.

Pearlfish · 04/06/2019 04:46

Oh OP. I feel so sad to think of you knocking on his door for 30 minutes while he sat inside and smirked Sad

He's not a kind person, OP.

QuickQuestion2019 · 04/06/2019 04:56

OP you let him IGNORE YOUR DAUGHTER?

What on Earth do you imagine this is teaching her? How could you allow this? What are you thinking? He's emotionally ABUSING YOUR CHILD AND YOU NEED TO LEAVE HIM IMMEDIATELY.

SimplySteveRedux · 04/06/2019 05:20

I feel sorry for your daughter. You need to dump this manipulative, controlling, twat. Now.

PrincessTiggerlily · 04/06/2019 05:29

Do you say how old your DC are?
I would say something to them, we tend to protect our DCs from unpleasant behaviour. I would say DP is blanking me again, I think that's whey he didn't reply to your text. I don't know why he does this but it's really upsetting.

Then you can stop putting on a show of being ok, not affected by it. And it's in the open. And over the next few weeks/months can decide if you want to put up with it. But bring it into the open.

Original poster
Sausageroll123 · 04/06/2019 07:17

My youngest is 5 so doesn't know anything. My eldest is 13. After she told me he wasn't replying to her texts yesterday, I explained that he seems to be upset for some reason, he doesn't want to talk to me, and reassured her it's nothing to do with her. She's known he's done this before so once I'd explained she seemed ok

OP posts:
SimplySteveRedux · 04/06/2019 07:23

So you yet again defend this abusive man to your daughter. Your priorities are all sorts of fucked up.

ChristmasFluff · 04/06/2019 07:34

And there you are, teaching your daughter that this behaviour is acceptable.

How will you feel when it's her banging on her partner's door for 30 minutes? Knowing you taught her how to let people treat her?

Rosielily · 04/06/2019 07:37

She's known he's done this before so once I'd explained she seemed ok

What a great lesson for a 13 year old to have to Hearn, hey?

How low would his behaviour have to stoop before you actually ended the relationship?

Rosielily · 04/06/2019 07:38

*learn

LizzieSiddal · 04/06/2019 07:40

She ok is she? What’s she “ok” with? Being blanked by an adult male who’s supposed to care about her?

As others have said, you’re setting her up to accept this kind of behaviour for ever more. Poor child.

Grow a backbone and protect your children!

Original poster
Sausageroll123 · 04/06/2019 07:48

I know you're all right. It's so hard when you love someone. After ignoring me last night I'm not going to text him and see what happens. Every time this has happened I've chased him constantly. I'm getting so tired of it

OP posts:
firstimemamma · 04/06/2019 07:49

You've only been together for 2 years and he does this every 4 months? It doesn't sound good to me op. I hope you find someone better Thanks

Miniloso · 04/06/2019 07:53

Your daughter is 13, a very fragile age and the age kids get THE most fucked up by abusive relationships they see their parents in.

I give up with you if you think this is in any way acceptable. You are now abusing your child by allowing her anywhere near this man.

Truly horrific.

FinallyHere · 04/06/2019 07:55

I'm getting so tired of it

That is the spirit @Sausageroll123

It's not so easy to see abuse when you are tangled up in it. And abusive people are not abusive all.the.time or you would never fall for it.

Well done for leaving him to it. Just be aware that he might not let you go quite so easily.

Arm yourself with some information about the likely things he will try next. Once you are aware of the 'script' you will be much less likely to fall for it in future

https://freedomprogramme.co.ukk*

https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/224552.WhyDoesHeDoThatt**

KM99 · 04/06/2019 07:55

Sausageroll123

He's not brilliant with your kids though, is he? He's showing them that you can act like a controlling twat and still have people grovelling for your attention.

This is beyond he can't communicate. He's using his silence as a form of control and abuse. My OH likes to retreat a little when we argue but that's an hour to himself to gather his thoughts so we can talk things out calmly. Not days on end when he takes perverse pleasure in giving me the run around.

You might love him but you need to think about what you and your children actually deserve. I say this in the kindess possible way but you need to work on your self-worth.

Thingsdogetbetter · 04/06/2019 07:58

Of course he seems happy in the relationship. He's trained you to be compliant. Trained you to suppress your wants and needs. Trained you to lower yourself to standing on his doorstep for THIRTY minutes begging for his attention. Trained you to jump for joy (with your mouth firmly shut) when he returns. Trained you to beg for forgiveness when you have done nothing wrong. Trained you to excuse his sulking, controlling behaviour to your 13 year old daughter. Trained you to train your teenage daughter to accept shit behaviour from men because she'll be rewarded with a couple of months of good behaviour until she expresses herself again. He's happy because he has a compliant, desperate for crumbs, trained girlfriend. What controlling self centred man won't be happy with this relationship?

Original poster
Sausageroll123 · 04/06/2019 07:58

@FinallyHere thanks for the links. He's always lovely, never any problems, then just now and again this happens. I've never even thought it could be classed as some of kind of abuse as there are no other signs. Just thought he was having a bit of a wobble Confused

OP posts: