Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Why does he do this?

861 replies

Sausageroll123 · 03/06/2019 20:31

Been with partner for 2 years. Kids involved (not jointly). We live separately.

Anyway. If we ever have an argument it always ends up with me being treated the silent treatment until I have basically harassed him in to talking to me again.

Currently happening right now. I saw he'd liked a photo of a semi naked girl on social media and said it upset me slightly. He turned round and said this isn't working, and has now ignored me all day.

Whenever I bring up something I'm unhappy about that he's done, I get the same 'this isn't working', and then however many days of silence until I can get him out of it.

I just don't understand why he does it?

OP posts:
burnyburny · 12/06/2019 11:08

Give him all the time in the world. By which I mean forever.

Are you considering taking him back??

FilledSoda · 12/06/2019 11:10

He wants to keep you hanging , to keep his options open.
He thinks he has sole and complete control over this and you have no say.
He's a horrible cruel man.
You need to get angry .
Tell him to F off !
How dare he treat you and by extension your children with such callousness and disrespect.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 12/06/2019 11:48

It's horrible being kept hanging. You probably feel so wretched because you don't know what's going on, you don't know if he's going to come back, which means you can't move on. If he finished it, chances are you'd feel bloody awful, but at least you'd have closure and would start to rebuild your life.

I'm afraid I agree with the other poster who said he's keeping his options open by not quite finished things. He may actually be punishing you for standing up to him and not begging him to come back. He does sound like a complete shit OP.

scarecrowhead · 12/06/2019 11:51

He's a controlling arsehole. Take back control and end it.

PennyBryn · 12/06/2019 12:06

Oh Sausage
Keep checking back in for support

What do you honestly want?
Do you want to be with him but a better version of him?
Do you want to end it and cut ties?
Do you just not know?

Safirexx · 12/06/2019 12:08

OP I’ve been following since you first posted, and my sympathies for what you’re going through. You say he hasn’t finished properly with you and I suggest that you can make the first move and finish with him. You do all the things you define as “properly” and move on. I know you must be gutted but he is treating you with such contempt now, will you feel all that much better even if you get back together again?

MsPavlichenko · 12/06/2019 12:09

Yes. He is doing this in the expectation you will agree to any demand when he returns.

You feel like shit now. You will only start to feel better if you take control. You finish it. You set out arrangements for dropping off/ picking up. And bin the holiday. This is no example of how a relationship should be for your DC. You all deserve better.

Booboooo · 12/06/2019 12:10

Hes leaving you dangling. Therefore still being able to use your sky/netflix etc (because hes still with you, just taking some time out). Sorry to say i think he will only come running back once he gets horny!

gamerchick · 12/06/2019 12:19

OP have you never dumped someone before? You are allowed to do it yourself you know. Take control so you can get an ending and start to heal.

Janus · 12/06/2019 12:25

He’s making your life a misery so you’ll be happy to take him back.
Please, just text that you want to swop all belongings so you can get on with your life. Although if he texted you saying he needed space I assume you texted him first as he’s not exactly forward in contacting you when he’s in a sulk is he?
I don’t know how bad it can get before you realise this isn’t worth it? Please be kind to yourself and tell him where to go.

ComeBackBarack · 12/06/2019 12:42

Text him to say you've had enough and you'll leave his stuff at a friends. He's not necessarily a bad person, although the sulking etc is really annoying sounding, and you aren't a bad person. Just not the right people for each other.

And his track record would lead one to believe that his other relationships went the same way.

If you want this kind of relationship then great, if you don't and why would you? Then tell him you are moving on and move on.

TeaForTheWin · 12/06/2019 14:55

All part of the control thing-he is punishing you for questioning his behaviour. If he came back and you took him back you'd be walking about on egg shells whenever he did something like last time but not want to say anything incase he takes a mood again. Which is all part of his planned mind f*ckery.

'I need a bit of space' (pft, well bully for you ya prat). What do YOU need op? I'm guessing not to be messed about, head-f*cked and taken advantage of should be on that list somewhere right?

I know everyones told you this but it worries me that you haven't taken the plunge and ended things yourself properly. Put your foot down! I'd be giving it: 'Take all the space you need, we're through. Please return my things at your earliest convenience and stop accessing my SKY'.

FilledSoda · 12/06/2019 15:47

Is anyone else singing the Beautiful South song?
If you aren't familiar , check it on YouTube Op , some good advice in it Wink

chemicalworld · 12/06/2019 16:19

I know it's hard, but deep down you know this isn't right. If you take him back now your self esteem will eventually be on the floor.

chemicalworld · 12/06/2019 16:22

www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/if-he-doesnt-end-the-relationship-why-cant-you-end-the-relationship/

This is a good website, which has helped keep me strong when things have been really hard.

MrMagooooo · 12/06/2019 22:04

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

BitOfFun · 13/06/2019 00:24

It may look like a teen drama from the outside, but I'm sure it feels very different to be actually living it. Shit like this hurts.

Keep on keeping on, Sausage. You are doing pretty well.

MrMagooooo · 13/06/2019 07:30

@BitOfFun I just don't get it. I know she is probably hurting but Sausage really needs to find her self respect.

I suppose she is in the stages of grief and moving through them
In her own time but she is stuck on Denial.

She really needs to end this but for some reason she can't. Whilst she's not ending it her self respect and self esteem are going down.

Safirexx · 13/06/2019 08:42

@MrMagooooo if I were Sausage I wouldn’t find your message helpful. Maybe you know her IRL, in which case sorry to butt in, but otherwise I am a bit Shock at your rant.

OP’s had less than 2 weeks to realise that, far from being in a loving relationship that has its share of issues, and which she only came on here to get some insight into, she is actually a victim of horrendous abuse which she needs to escape at once. That’s a lot to take in, especially if she still loves her partner, which it sounds like she did and possibly still does.

Good on you if you’ve never dithered over making a decision you knew was right, because in your heart of hearts you didn’t want to make it and live with the consequences. Some of us lesser mortals know how painful that is. Haven’t you read some of the stories on here about people who took years to finally make the move even though they saw their partner clearly for who he was. Here’s someone who didn’t have a clue.

OP clearly wants at least one last proper conversation with her partner, hasn’t even been able to get that closure, feels like she’s hanging ... we all cope with these things differently, so I think you should cut her some slack.

QueenOfTheCroneAge · 13/06/2019 09:02

OP’s had less than 2 weeks to realise that, far from being in a loving relationship that has its share of issues, and which she only came on here to get some insight into, she is actually a victim of horrendous abuse which she needs to escape at once. That’s a lot to take in, especially if she still loves her partner, which it sounds like she did and possibly still does.

This^

Sausage desperately wants him back, but he feels she hasn't been punished enough yet. I hope she soon realises how one sided all this is. Sausage - giver. Him - taker.

Needsomebottle · 13/06/2019 09:09

I suspect he is continuing to punish her, now for failing to grovel round him as she usually does.

Stay strong OP. You're doing great. You're allowed to feel crap. You're in mourning for all you hoped it would be. That's normal.

MrMagooooo · 13/06/2019 09:13

@Safirexx Okay. It is very frustrating to watch. So I suppose it's like a friend coming round, telling me the same story as sausage, asking for advice and doing the opposite.

I'm sorry @Sausageroll123 I'll step away but wish you all the luck.

I hope you can come to terms with the man you spent two years with, move and and be happy. Please, please, please do not let him back in your life no matter what.

Safirexx · 13/06/2019 11:24

@MrMagooo I do understand your frustration; also don’t assume said friend isn’t taking the advice in. Eventually she’ll come round but sometimes it takes longer than we’d like because we are objective and at the moment, she’s not Smile

Bert99 · 14/06/2019 13:57

@Sausageroll123 I hope you are doing ok. Did you get your Sky sorted out?
I understand you wanting to speak to him rather than just ending things as they are. Not sure he will give you the chance though.

Original poster
Sausageroll123 · 14/06/2019 15:18

@Bert99 Hi, I don't really feel that comfortable updating how I'm feeling after the post I got a few down. I know I'm probably frustrating people but being insulted makes me feel worse so am trying to stay off here for the moment. Thank you for asking though Thanks

OP posts: