Boyfriend says I don’t earn enough

[Sweetpotato92]

Hi everyone,

My (25F) boyfriend (32M) has recently been saying that I don’t earn enough, that he wants us to buy a house (we rent currently) in the next two years but doesn’t know if he can with my wage.

I qualified as a nurse about a year ago, I really enjoy it and I’m in a busy department in a good trust and there’s lots of opportunity for me to progress. I’ve been doing a lot of extra bank shifts (5-6 12 hour shifts a week) lately but I really missed spending time with him and seeing friends/family. When I said this, he became annoyed with me and told this is what life is like.

He earns double what I earn in a different sector. It’s just made me feel like a bit of a failure. Maybe I’m overreacting.

Don't EVER let anyarseone denigrate what you have devoted your life to - you're a NURSE, ffs. You should be proud and we are all grateful that there are caring people like you doing such a valuable job. How much use to the world is his "different sector?"

Why are you even thinking of buying a house with him? You work hard and do a worthwhile job. Money isn't everything.

Boyfriend's girlfriend has the wrong boyfriend.

Do you earn enough to support yourself? (as a person with no disabilities or dependents) Then you earn 'enough'.

Essentially he values ££ more than he values your professional skills and your job satisfaction. I think you're under-reacting.

It’s just made me feel like a bit of a failure. Maybe I’m overreacting.

Well it’s your partner who’s making you feel a “bit of a failure” no one else.
You’re a nurse which an incredibly important job, you’re 25 and just starting, so bound to not be on the biggest wage yet. (I wonder what your partner was earning at 25?)
Anyway if you were my DD I’d be so very proud of you, and I’d hate you to be with someone who made you feel inadequate.
Does he put you down in other areas?

Have you considered working in the private sector? Only if you want it for yourself
The pay is a lot higher.

Do you want to buy a house? Sounds like you want more balance between work and having a life. He doesn't sound like he gives a shit.

I'd tell him to go buy his house and I'd live my life how I wanted, without being dictated to by him. He sounds like a dick.

He’s an arsehole. Nursing is a poorly paid career but an absolutely vital one.

A good partner wouldn’t make you feel bad like that.

Does he work 5-6 12 hour shifts every week and miss out on spending time with his mates?

Dump him, you'll never be good enough for him. Congratulations on qualifying as a nurse.

You are a nurse!!! He should be so so proud of you.
My dh earns way more than me but has great admiration for what I do, so would never criticise what I earn.

Congratulations on qualifying as a nurse.

Did he support you during your training or have you achieved this despite his lack of support?

To have gained this significant qualification I would guess you love your job. And it is a job with promotion prospects.

Tell him what your goals are, professionally, and suggest you create your own timeline as a couple according to that.

What the hell does he want you to do?

Please do not work yourself into a burnt out mess just to meet his arbitrary timetable.

If he can’t buy a house within hybrid timetable he has set, then he doesn’t earn enough to meet his own aspirations.

He should be proud of you.

On one hand, you have the most mobile job imaginable, so why not think about moving to an area where your combined wages would realistically allow you to buy a house in that time frame?

Oh is his job tied to a very expensive area? Well he was a bit if a failure not to get a form of training that made him as mobile as you?

On the other hand - challenge him. When he said that 'life is like that' you felt he was saying you were a failure. You know you're not, far from it, and you want to know what he really meant, because obviously a loving adult doesn't aim to make their partner feel like that.

My husband earns 4 times less than me and I wouldn't dream of saying something like this! He gives me way more than money; he's a rock. We bought a house recently and it was a bit of a push but I respect his career/work to life balance. We are a team.
And being a Nurse is something to be very proud of. You should be rather pissed off with him - a mean materialistic man is not one to build a future with because you will never come first.

What does he want you to do about it?

He's also had 7 years longer to work on his own career, whereas you're just starting out.

You earn a decent wage. I wouldn't be in any hurry to buy a house with him.

So you worked and studied really hard. You qualified only a year ago. You love your job. Yet your bf. Who should love and support you is making you feel shit about this.

The problem isn't what you earn (as long as you can support yourself ok)... it's his attitude.

Do cut down on the extra shifts if you want. Life is for living as well as working. You don't want to burn out. Be clear with him - this is who you are. He can love you and live with you. Or jog on until he finds a richer girlfriend.

Thank you for being a nurse in the NHS. XXX

Spend the time frm now until the end of your tenancy looking for somewhere else to live... then move out, live on your own and tell him he can earn enough for his own good self.

No one who loves you would speak to you like that! Not ever!

He's being unreasonable. You do an amazingly worthwhile and skilled job and he should be so very proud of you not berating you for what you earn.

I would be concerned that this demonstrates a huge difference in what is important to each of you, which will cause problems down the line. Don't change what you do or who you are to suit his financial needs!

Your partner should not make you feel like a failure.

It all seems to be about him - "HE wants us to buy a house... in the next two years but doesn't know if HE can with my wage".

What do YOU want? Does he ask you what you want for your future?

If you’re happy in your job then you’ve won the battle. Aslong as you can look after yourself that’s all you need to do.

When I met DH his salary was more than 4x mine. When he suggested we went 50:50 moving in together I said that’s fine, but it’s going to need to be more modest than he can afford.

Your bf can either drop his expectations in line with your earnings or accept he’s going to have to contribute more.

Run

How ridiculous. Obviously you have to start on band 5 after qualifying but it soon goes up and when you start applying for band 6 and 7 you will be earning plenty. What does he expect? He is being a complete knob! !!!

I'm 52, OP, and let me tell you something that I know is true: this man is a cunt. That's all there is to it. There is NOTHING redeeming about him. EVER. You are flogging a dead horse. He doesn't love you. He doesn't see you as a partner. But he's '50/50' tightfisted miserable twat except when it comes to lifework and pulling his weight in life and sex. Because guys like him are all the same.

Look at your post he wants, he wants, he wants and all about you enabling what he wants at the expense of isolating yourself from what you want and love.

This is not the mark of a person who loves you.

YOU need to love you first. You're a nurse. You love it. You do a great job. He's a cunt.

There is nothing to save here. I've seen this happen so many times I can't count. All he will ever do for you is bring you down and make you miserable. There is nothing positive in any future with him.

Thank you for being a nurse in the NHS. XXX

How many hours are you working?

Is he saying you should be working full time when you’re not or are you full time and he is wanting you to do lots of extra shifts?