Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Boyfriend says I don’t earn enough

152 replies

Sweetpotato92 · 02/06/2019 14:06

Hi everyone,

My (25F) boyfriend (32M) has recently been saying that I don’t earn enough, that he wants us to buy a house (we rent currently) in the next two years but doesn’t know if he can with my wage.

I qualified as a nurse about a year ago, I really enjoy it and I’m in a busy department in a good trust and there’s lots of opportunity for me to progress. I’ve been doing a lot of extra bank shifts (5-6 12 hour shifts a week) lately but I really missed spending time with him and seeing friends/family. When I said this, he became annoyed with me and told this is what life is like.

He earns double what I earn in a different sector. It’s just made me feel like a bit of a failure. Maybe I’m overreacting.

OP posts:
Halo84 · 02/06/2019 23:37

This will be your life, OP. Are you prepared to live like this?

Moralitym1n1 · 02/06/2019 23:46

He's 7 years older than you - he should be earning more than you.

Also he git together with you knowing you were a newly qualified nurse; what did he expect? If he wants a high earning, high flier; then why doesn't he go get himself one (cause he can't? He'd rather hook up with a more average earner and do her head in, push unrealistic, unfair expectations on her?).

Dread to think what he's be like if you were off sick, or on maternity; sounds so grabby and pressuring, and so selfish "I want .. You should provide, you need to bring in more ..".

DeeCeeCherry · 02/06/2019 23:54

This made me think of a dear friend who, 3 months after having her DD, was crying as her H stood over her whilst she was breastfeeding moaning 'you'd best get back to work soon, so you need to cut down on breastfeeding'. She was back at work when her DD was 4 months old and so tired, bitter and resentful. Her H is completely money-orientated. Nothing else matters. They've a huge lovely house, a car each, both work (he's a high-flying mega-earner, she's not) but she's unhappy. Now says she wishes she'd left him years ago. Takes more than big money and a house to be happy, what about love respect compatibility with your partner...?

skunkatanka · 02/06/2019 23:58

If he wants a house let the fucker buy one with his own bigger than yours salary. Well done to you on setting yourself on the path to a great and worthwhile career. You are so much better than him OP. Don't let him tell you otherwise. Thanks

Ferfeckssake · 03/06/2019 04:51

Well, OP, not one poster thinks anything he said is OK . And we all have so much admiration for anyone who has qualified as a nurse.
Let him fuck off and buy his own damn house. And what a shallow creep he has to think that being a property owner is something special.

NameChangeNugget · 03/06/2019 07:16

He should buy on his own

DoctorDread · 03/06/2019 07:28

Same as everyone else. He doesn't have your interests at heart. My ExH was a little like this. Run!

HalloumiGus · 03/06/2019 07:32

I hope you're getting the message from this thread OP.

ForTheLoveOfDoughnuts · 03/06/2019 07:49

What an utter tosses!

IHeartArya · 03/06/2019 08:00

If he goes ahead & buys a house do not move in with him. He will shaft you every which way he can. Your partner should be proud of you, be your rock, support you, love you completely. I don’t think he does. Sorry. Must be hard to hear all these posters.

blackcat86 · 03/06/2019 08:07

When I read your title I was expecting a scenario that you're 35 with an entry level job not a young, newly qualified nurse. You work in a high demand sector, you have a qualification you can take anywhere (that i bet you worked damn hard for) and you're at the very start of your career. What's your boyfs rush here why does he get to set the course of both your lives without any interest in what you want? Is he seeing his friends settling down because they're older and trying to pigeon hole you? Dont work yourself into the ground for this man. Yes its important to get some income together to fall back on now you're qualified but before you know it you'll be in your 30s and married with kids (if that's what you want) so right now you should be having fun and adventures to. This man sounds boring, negative and quite controlling. I would also worry that you would be quite vulnerable if you went on to have children with him and he still had this work yourself to death attitude. If he earns more why doesn't he do more and contribute more to a deposit?

MrsMozartMkII · 03/06/2019 08:09

He is an arse, and you are doing way too many shifts / hours lass.

Alysanne · 03/06/2019 08:30

Find a flat that is close enough for visiting friends and family yet is still near your work. Dump your 'DPs' ungrateful ass, do the odd extra shift to save for a house/flat deposit on your own and enjoy your new career.

This man neither respects your career nor you. As someone who currently works 60/70 hours at the moment due to staff shortages it's not worth it. Yes the extra money is great but I'm missing out on valuable time with my partner.

You only get one chance in this life. Don't spend it slaving away to please someone else. Enjoy your career and find someone who respects you.

IHeartArya · 03/06/2019 09:03

What Alysanne says

fedup21 · 03/06/2019 09:07

OP-come back! Flowers

Is he cross that you won’t do loads of overtime? Surely he knows the basic salary of a nurse-that is no shock. Does he think you should be doing 5 or 6 x 12 hour shifts every week to bump it up?

If so, you will very soon become unwell. He seems to be using you as some sort of cash cow. How is he in other areas of the relationship?

ScreamingLadySutch · 03/06/2019 09:12

When he MARRIES YOU, he can have a say.

This mixing assets with someone who wants you to subsidise them without any contractual obligation on their part, is about one of the most stupid things women can do! The most stupid thing is breeding with them for instant economic vulnerability, without any contractual obligation on their part. #YesISAIDit

Plonker. I think you need to get yourself a better boyfriend.

villamariavintrapp · 03/06/2019 09:14

This isn’t going to work out. Nursing can be a great job, but it isn’t hugely well paid, and throughout your life you (and your partner) will most likely make lots of sacrifices for it-emotionally, in terms of time, as well as financially. It’s worth it if you love it, you’ll be providing an invaluable service to many people. But if your partner doesn’t value it, it’s just not going to work out.

HasThisSoddingNameGoneToo · 03/06/2019 09:15

Get rid of him, and buy yourself one of those lovely flats/houses that keyworkers can get through a Help To Buy scheme.

He can find his own miserable home, in which he can sit, and moan, and complain. You can live with another nurse and have the time of your life.

Newbie7077 · 03/06/2019 09:19

Life is what you make of it , not "what life is like". If you want a better work-life balance and you enjoy what you do then he will have to hold off buying a house together with you. THIS is what life is like. He can't dictate what you should do with your life. Fair enough if he thought you were wasting all your money on crap and he was saving tons but this is a completely different situation

anothernotherone · 03/06/2019 10:52

Presumably it's what life with him is like - i.e. miserable. Life generally don't have to be like that.

Original poster
Sweetpotato92 · 03/06/2019 11:14

In the future I would like to have my own place one day. But I’d rather go travelling and work abroad before I do that x

Thank you everyone for replying and for all your messages. Hard but it’s something that I very much needed to hear.

OP posts:
IHeartArya · 03/06/2019 11:18
Flowers
dontgobaconmyheart · 03/06/2019 11:24

If he wants to own a property but feels he doesn't have a high enough income (even as he counts yours as part of his for the purpose Confused) it's HIM that needs to earn more then isn't it, and also HIM that needs to accept that if he doesn't earn enough to afford what he wants property wise, at a fairly advanced stage in his own career (as someone older than you) then that indeed is 'what life is like', and I'd be snipping reminding him so. As you don't currently want to buy, are not in that stage of life, he will have to suck it up, won't he, the fact he can't use your earnings as boost to 'his' mortgage.

You have a brilliant worthwhile job OP, and a rare situation in that you enjoy it and made the right career choices for you. There is nothing wrong with anything you're doing other than the fact you're allowing this idiot to dictate to you.

Go travelling! Don't change anything you don't want to change, for someone who isn't worth it and is happy to make you feel rubbish.

JessieTalamasca · 03/06/2019 11:24

But I’d rather go travelling and work abroad before I do that x

Please, please do not sell yourself short with this guy. He's a shit boyfriend, in no way a partner, and will drag you down because what you want means FA to him, only what he can use you for.

You have a wonderful job you like and ability to travel with that job. This is no time to saddle yourself down with a twonk like this man.

Make plans to leave. STOP working all this overtime except if you are putting it in your own savings account to use on your travels.

Find another flat or share and dump him.

IHeartArya · 04/06/2019 10:00

Hope you are ok OP