Boyfriend says I don’t earn enough

[Sweetpotato92]

Hi everyone,

My (25F) boyfriend (32M) has recently been saying that I don’t earn enough, that he wants us to buy a house (we rent currently) in the next two years but doesn’t know if he can with my wage.

I qualified as a nurse about a year ago, I really enjoy it and I’m in a busy department in a good trust and there’s lots of opportunity for me to progress. I’ve been doing a lot of extra bank shifts (5-6 12 hour shifts a week) lately but I really missed spending time with him and seeing friends/family. When I said this, he became annoyed with me and told this is what life is like.

He earns double what I earn in a different sector. It’s just made me feel like a bit of a failure. Maybe I’m overreacting.

Thank you very much for training in a vital but underpaid career OP.

I suggest he fucks off and finds a gf on a higher wage. And you fuck off and find yourself a nurse/paramedic/doctor who shares your values and commitment to humanity.

You're 25. You should be living your life and having fun. At 25, I lived with flatmates and was completely broke and barely had any idea what I wanted to do when I 'grew up'. I'm 38 now, still renting, but have enough in savings to pretty much buy a house (next year) mortgage free. I've travelled, build my career, enjoyed my free time, have a lovely life with my husband and children. But I truly did not even think about 'settling down' and saddling myself with debt until I was in my early to mid 30s. It's not worth it. If your bf (not even husband) is so keen, let him buy himself a house. It's not your job to waste your youth to fund his lifestyle.

Leave the bastard. I think this is a unanimous answer from mumsnet. He's shown his colours. Run.

He doesn't sound much fun or very supportive.

But if you want a joy free existence, he might be a good match.

You have chosen to dedicate your life to others, what a special person you are, and I am sure your parents must be extremely proud of you. It is a very rewarding career and many opportunities will be available. I sincerely hope he supports you when you are putting in your extra shifts i.e shopping, cooking, cleaning, or is life really only just about him. Money should not even come I. To it

My Exh used to say this. Notice it says husband. He won't get any better. His main focus will always money. It will come before everything and if you don't agree with him you'll be seen as working against his main aim... more money. It wont matter how important your job is to you or how valuable it is to society.

Please leave before a mortgage, marriage and then children ties you to him for ever. Because even when divorced im tied to him through the fight to get maintenance.

He's telling you what he is... listen.

The fact you are a nurse means you will be on a decent wage. If he can't see that he is really disrespectful and I would get rid.

I totally agree with JessieTalamasca

I'm 50, and I left my ex about 3 years ago after 30-odd years. I have no savings, as he was financially abusive, amoung many other things. And I can look back and see similar comments about not earning enough, even when I was in the Civil Service. I even went part time because I was expected to do the bulk of the childcare.

OP, LTB, you have a lot of red flags there, and at only 25, the world is your oyster. Don't tie yourself down with someone who is happy for you to work long, long hours just to meet his financial expectations. Life is so much more than that.

I work in nursing. I do 4 night shifts a week and so I know how exhausting it is. My DP doesn’t care how much I earn however is incredibly proud of the job I do and admits he could never do it himself

That is how yours should be! You deserve much better

Well as he is 32 he clearly wasn't buying a house at 25 either unless something is missing from this story.

My husband and I have put earned one another at different times in our lives, neither of us have ever commented on it or told the other they weren't earning enough.

Your partners a dick head. If he wished to buy a house with you he would. He just doesn't want to and he wants to make it your fault.

He's a piece of shit. So bin him off.

Show him this, he's always going to be miserable, because whatever you earn won't be enough

Mr Micawber's famous, and oft-quoted, recipe for happiness:

"Annual income twenty pounds, annual expenditure nineteen [pounds] nineteen [shillings] and six [pence], result happiness. Annual income twenty pounds, annual expenditure twenty pounds ought and six, result misery."

I couldn't be with a man who was so money orientated, happiness is much better for the soul , tell him to sling his hook and find someone who is happy with your wage.

What a prick. Nursing is a tough job and we need more of you. Also has he actually checked mortgage affordability? Because he “doesn’t know if we can” implied he hasn’t checked and just wants to put you down for having less money than him. As pp have said he’s got seven years on you it’s very unlikely you’d be near him in earning power yet anyway. He sounds like he needs a stern telling off from a senior matron.

I hope you're OK, OP. These replies might have come as a shock but they're all giving really good advice though I think it might be hard to hear.

You are doing a wonderful, worthwhile job you enjoy and your future is going to be so rewarding... just as long as you can face up to the sad but true reality that you need to leave this man. As another poster said, you are under-reacting, not over-reacting.

You are only 25, you can do this and I promise you will be glad you did.

I actually decided to divorce when doing nurse training late 80s, (I gave up nursing too to please him initially) my XH constantly moaned about shifts interfering with his ability to go to football matches and out to the pub, we had 2 small children at the time, the training really showed him up for how it was ‘all about him’ red flags hereOP, buying a house isn’t a necessity if you get by ok, how would he cope if you had small children and maybe no wage for a while

Is he usually such a self-centred shallow prick?

Watch out this isn't to sew a seed in your head so that he gets a house solely in his name and you end up paying rent on His asset.

Dump him and find someone who loves you for what you are and doesn't judge you on your earning potential with a balance-sheet way of thinking. He isn't good future potential - find someone who adores you for you!

You’re a nurse! What is he contributing to the world other than cuntiness?

As an ex nurse who left the profession years ago I am extremely greatful that there are still young people like the op willing to enter the profession as I have had lifesaving surgery twice in the past 3 years! Op you could go to work for a couple of years in Dubai or Suadi Arabia and save money for a deposit on your own house. A couple of the girls I trained with did this and had a great time as well.

Perhaps OP meant that her ex-BF was her unofficial carer.

Sorry! Wrong thread. Ignore.

He is a MASSIVE bell end and you need to put yourself first.

Please, please don't work so much bank that you get overtired and burnt out. You cannot match a man on a banker's wage. Nor should you feel you need to.

It is not a 'failure' to be a nurse. Your earning potential in the future is great - or you might choose to stay as a band 5 or 6 and do the nursing care and not the management or specialisms but it doesn't make you 'less' than someone whos' on a band 8 and managing a unit.

I'm a midwife. We don't get paid millions, true, but it doesn't mean we're failures. We didn't make the system.

Please don't buy a house with this man. Please don't have children with him. He will financially abuse you and push you to your limit and if you burn out he will have stolen your career from you too.

Firstly, he's an arse. You earn money so you can spend it on living, your whole life should never be just work.
Secondly, I have always felt that between 25-35 is when you have the biggest change in the amount you earn and progression in your career. Most 25 year olds I know earn very little whereas most 30 year olds I know seem to earn a lot more. At 25 you're only just settling into a career!
You're a nurse, you have amazing professional skills and you should be proud! Don't let him bring your achievements down.

Congratulations on qualifying as a nurse, and a massive thank you for choosing this career xxx

Your bf has his priorities wrong. He should be proud of you for your achievements, not doing you down about money!

If he is a miserable prick at 32, imagine what he will be like at 60! Do not, and I repeat, DO NOT buy a house with this man. People like him do not get more fun with age.

Yeah I agree with the others saying it's unfair of him to pressurize you about your wage.

Out of curiosity, what sector does your partner work in (if it's not too outing for you to answer of course)?

From a nurse who learned the hard way - stop doing so many extra shifts, you'll make yourself ill! 1 a week, max, do Sundays when you can to maximise earnings xx