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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Boyfriend says I don’t earn enough

152 replies

Sweetpotato92 · 02/06/2019 14:06

Hi everyone,

My (25F) boyfriend (32M) has recently been saying that I don’t earn enough, that he wants us to buy a house (we rent currently) in the next two years but doesn’t know if he can with my wage.

I qualified as a nurse about a year ago, I really enjoy it and I’m in a busy department in a good trust and there’s lots of opportunity for me to progress. I’ve been doing a lot of extra bank shifts (5-6 12 hour shifts a week) lately but I really missed spending time with him and seeing friends/family. When I said this, he became annoyed with me and told this is what life is like.

He earns double what I earn in a different sector. It’s just made me feel like a bit of a failure. Maybe I’m overreacting.

OP posts:
youorme · 02/06/2019 14:28

He wants to buy a house. What do YOU want? Do you really want to be tied down to a mortgage/area at your age? At your age and with your qualifications, you could go anywhere in the world. Don’t you fancy working somewhere interesting for a year? You could go to Australia and see the world! For gods sakes don’t let this unappreciative, boring idiot tie you down! Only buy a house if you want it. You’ll be tied to him and his demands/opinions. Screw that at your age! You could have any man. Pick one who adores you.

Drum2018 · 02/06/2019 14:28

What a dick. You are 7 years behind him as regards your career for starters, so he can't expect you to be level with his salary regardless of profession. How dare he make you feel like a failure. You are not a failure. You are an extremely hard working your woman starting out in your career. You figure out what money you need to finance your life from now on, work accordingly so you can enjoy your job and spend time with your family and friends, and wave this prick goodbye.

LizzieSiddal · 02/06/2019 14:29

JessieTalamasca 👏 👏 👏

Drum2018 · 02/06/2019 14:30

'Hardworking young woman'

JessieTalamasca · 02/06/2019 14:30

Please do the Freedom Programme, this man is all that is wrong and you need to be able to break free of him and take some time out before dating again to avoid attracting or getting involved with more twats like him.

FabledChinHair · 02/06/2019 14:30

Tell him to find someone else. He should be supportive if you're doing what you love.

S1naidSucks · 02/06/2019 14:31

I second everything JessieTalamasca. I’ve seen this story play out too often and you, like the other females that have similar boyfriends will end up miserable.

Didiusfalco · 02/06/2019 14:31

That’s a big waving red flag right there. He doesn’t value you or respect what you do. I thought you were going to say you only worked a few hours a week or something. This man is not a keeper. For gods sake don’t marry/buy a house/have kids with him.

vilamoura2003 · 02/06/2019 14:33

You deserve so much better than that - as others have said, you have chosen a wonderful career, you will make a difference to so many peoples' lives - he should be proud of you not be moaning about money 😤

anothernotherone · 02/06/2019 14:33

Good god don't buy a house with this absolute arse.

If you do he'll demand you pay 50% of everything, and that you buy something far more expensive than you're comfortable with, leaving you with no disposable income and him swanning off out with his mates every weekend and going on holiday with them, pointing out that you can't afford to pay for yourself to go on holiday or out for a meal because all your money goes on 50% of the mortgage and bills, but he deserves to go out and can afford to.

Then you'll be nearly 30 and ready to start a family - he'll expect you to continue to pay your 50% of mortgage and bills while on maternity pay, and to buy everything for the children, on credit cards if necessary...

When you're ready to return to work childcare will be your problem...

If you want to buy you could move to a cheaper part of the country - could he?

isthatabloborwhat · 02/06/2019 14:34

It hasn't made you feel a bit of a failure, he has.

Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with someone who denigrates you and your achievements like that, and deliberately makes you feel worthless? I know I wouldn't.

RantyAnty · 02/06/2019 14:35

Is he the twat who keeps pinching and poking you and tells you to fuck off?

Sarahjconnor · 02/06/2019 14:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SinkGirl · 02/06/2019 14:36

Everyone is absolutely correct. At 25 I would probably have reacted the same way. At 36 I’d tell him to fuck the fuck off.

You are awesome. Your career is awesome. You’re making a difference in the world. You will progress and you will be able to buy a house if that’s what you want, when you’re ready. There’s no urgency for you, but that’s the problem with age gap relationships at a young age.

SpeckledyHen · 02/06/2019 14:37

Ditto to what Jessie said so succinctly.

Red flags galore - run for the hills .
Thank you for being a nurse .

TurboTeddy · 02/06/2019 14:39

Jessie I love your post.
OP it is not sustainable for you to continue to work 60 or 70+ hours per week. Many people work hard but nursing is physically, mentally and often emotionally demanding, you need down time to recharge your batteries so you can continue to do a good job. This man is not worth your time. You seem so clear about what matters to you in life, a satisfying career AND time for friends and family, do not compromise these things on the say so of a money obsessed man.

Aussiebean · 02/06/2019 14:40

HE wants to buy a house so YOU have to work harder and not spend anytime with friends and family and shut up about being unhappy so he can.

SonataDentata · 02/06/2019 14:40

I do a very different job but I have so much respect for nurses. Your boyfriend is being really unfair.

dottiedodah · 02/06/2019 14:41

As you or me said ,why not try working abroad for a while ?.You are a Nurse ,a much needed, in demand lady who has the world at her feet.Why settle for someone like this?.Please rethink your plans FGS,or you will end up with a life of regrets. 5/6 shifts of 12 hours equates to about 50 /60 hours!,This is NOT what life is like ,everyone deserves time off especially in a hard working job like Nursing.It sounds like he doesnt really enjoy his job, and is jealous of job satisfaction you have.At the very least move out and see if you can stay with your /parents /friends for a while ,for some breathing space!

Qweenbee · 02/06/2019 14:41

Tell him it'll take him a lot longer than 2 years to find anther girlfriend stupid and rich enough to buy a house with him.

SonataDentata · 02/06/2019 14:43

P.S. I also know someone who progressed really far in nursing. She ended up supervising and teaching a lot of other nurses and ended up on £40-50k, as I understand it.

CharlyAngelic · 02/06/2019 14:43

Just NO !

lubeybooby · 02/06/2019 14:43

You deserve to be with someone who recognises your contribution not only to the finances and relationship but to our NHS as well

Being a nurse isn't easy and you need a supportive partner rather than one that makes you feel shite.

Also this is so particularly mean that I wonder if he's trying to lay the groundwork to end the relationship for that (bullshit) reason

Namenic · 02/06/2019 14:43

Living with someone is more economical than on your own (unless different conditions eg HMO/living with parents vs private flat). Your earnings should be seen as a benefit (compared to if he was on his own) rather than a hindrance.

Look at the bigger picture. Nursing can in some cases be working 3 days per week (but 12hr shifts and weekends on rota) - but can be useful if u have a family. Supportive department is not universal in nhs, so if you have one that’s worth more than pay!

Don’t get down, but do consider if your DP has the right attitude for a long term future with you.

TrendyNorthLondonTeen · 02/06/2019 14:44

Thank fuck he's shown his true colours before you bought a house with him...