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Original poster

Boyfriend says I don’t earn enough

152 replies

Sweetpotato92 · 02/06/2019 14:06

Hi everyone,

My (25F) boyfriend (32M) has recently been saying that I don’t earn enough, that he wants us to buy a house (we rent currently) in the next two years but doesn’t know if he can with my wage.

I qualified as a nurse about a year ago, I really enjoy it and I’m in a busy department in a good trust and there’s lots of opportunity for me to progress. I’ve been doing a lot of extra bank shifts (5-6 12 hour shifts a week) lately but I really missed spending time with him and seeing friends/family. When I said this, he became annoyed with me and told this is what life is like.

He earns double what I earn in a different sector. It’s just made me feel like a bit of a failure. Maybe I’m overreacting.

OP posts:
Moralitym1n1 · 04/06/2019 10:13

Nursing is perfect for working abroad. You don't even have to do crappy holiday jobs that don't count towards your career.

Original poster
Sweetpotato92 · 04/06/2019 11:05

I’m okay thank you, everyone’s comments here have been ever so helpful. I’d give more detail but I’m worried about outing myself.

I’ve realised I don’t a future with someone who’s going to act like that and I need to do what I want to do. It’s just figuring out the next steps now x

OP posts:
Lindy2 · 04/06/2019 11:09

At least you've found out, before any big commitments, that this is not the man for you.
Best wishes as you move on to a better, brighter future.

Thedilemma111 · 04/06/2019 11:18

Oh . I knew someone like this. He told his new wife to do extra shifts etc and had all these financial ambitions . He did work long hours too . Let’s just say that his wife didn’t get married to spend all her time working ( 7 days a week ) even if he wanted to . The marriage failed within a year .

I would dump this guy . You need to find someone better...

I also met someone who was serious about settling down. He asked me a lot of questions about my professional job and how many years I’d been working . He then told me that he had an ambition to own his own house ( he was living with his parents ) he also told me that he would never let his wife work part time ...

I could quickly see where this was all heading and needless to say he was hoping my professional career would fund his ambitions for his own house.

Lol , let’s just say I never saw HIM again !

Moralitym1n1 · 04/06/2019 11:49

If you want to travel & work abroad; now is the time to do it as well. You've gotten qualified, you're getting good experience but if you wanted time out, you can take it now and you have no mortgage, children, career progression etc to worry about. Your trust may even allow a year sabbatical.

Later with some of those things, it would be much harder. He's older, further along, with his focus on home ownership and career - that's an incompatability in itself (aside from his pressuring, manipulative attitude).

Mummyoftwo91 · 04/06/2019 11:51

Just have to say op your job is amazing and as a previous hca I know those 12 hour shifts are a killer, shame on him for putting you down like that

Moralitym1n1 · 04/06/2019 11:52

But in general he sounds very much like; "Ideally I'd like a six figure high flying woman who'll contribute half or more and make it easy for me to get on the housing ladder .. but I haven't met one and probably won't, so this one will do - as long as I work her hard and pressure her to contribute more (and ignore her quality of life complaints)" .. selfish, unrealistic, unreasonable.

billy1966 · 04/06/2019 11:56

He sounds awful.

Not good enough for you.

Change man not career.

Good luck.

BlueEyedBengal · 04/06/2019 12:01

Do you really want to tie a big anchor like a house around you and him forever. He has no respect for you you are one of the most important people that anyone needs. You are a nurse, you save lives at a great sacrifice to yourself. Never never let anyone put your importance down. Get rid of it he boyfriend and find out just how great life is without him.

Moralitym1n1 · 04/06/2019 12:03

Also it's interesting that he chose to pursue a relationship with a 25 year old - how many 25 year olds have high salaries and can contribute much a lot to a mortgage etc.? - but refuses to accept the implications of that. I wonder does he think someone younger is easier to manipulate.

Moralitym1n1 · 04/06/2019 12:07

FFS when I was 25 I was only training to get into an industry (my degree was in humanities) after 3 years or so working abroad and travelling after uni. I wasn't in a position to get a mortgage until two years later, when I got on on my own (in NI) with a modest terrace. You're actually very responsible and settled comparatively, but still not enough for his wants/ambitions.

I bet he wishes he could meet someone with family money. Young enough to manipulate but bringing plenty of doe to the table.

Moralitym1n1 · 04/06/2019 12:07
  • dough
Branleuse · 04/06/2019 12:27

You are doing an amazing job, working hard in a valuable and important career. Men are two a penny. You dont need some money obsessed dick pissing over your fire. Dump him

Original poster
Sweetpotato92 · 04/06/2019 12:40

It’s interesting you say that, he always made jokes about me supposedly having a trust fund or if I was a doctor he could have a Ferrari by now. Of course they were only ‘jokes’ 🙄

OP posts:
Moralitym1n1 · 04/06/2019 12:42

"I ain't saying he's a gold digga but .."

Wink
Moralitym1n1 · 04/06/2019 12:44

Even better when Marisa Tomei says it;

getyarn.io/yarn-clip/679f1245-7506-4114-bece-8835ca091505

HotChocolateLover · 04/06/2019 12:46

Don’t buy a house with this twerp. Before you know it, he’ll be calling all the shots and then you’ll be financially tied to him. Find yourself someone lovely who cares for you.

Moralitym1n1 · 04/06/2019 12:54

I know plenty of men who are happy to be married to nurses, not pressuring them to bring in more money and help get them on the housing ladder esp. early in their career.

Even if you stay a regular nurse, it's a solid career with decent enough pay. If you go on to become a specialist nurse, or go into one of the many associated jobs there are; you have potential to earn very well. This guy doesn't even have the patience or perspective to see this - and his focus on money is a bit unnerving anyway.

missmarplesapprentice · 04/06/2019 13:17

I’ve realised I don’t a future with someone who’s going to act like that and I need to do what I want to do. It’s just figuring out the next steps now x

I am so glad you've come to this realisation. Many years ago I left my ex when I was in Uni and he was working part time in retail. I had tried (but not forced in any way) to ask what he thought he would like to do in the future; maybe more studying or look at full time retail work. Eventually he made the "jokey comment" that he wold be ok as I was studying and he could live off the higher graduate wage which my degree came with.

Alarm bells started ringing and after nearly 3 years, I realised no one who cared about me and our future would do that. I did not enjoy the last parts of my course so had been exploring more satisfying but less pay rewarding alternatives in he field.
I would have supported them with studying or development etc. but I sure as hell wasn't going into an industry I didn't enjoy just so they could work 12 hours a week and play football/xbox the rest of the time!

bloodywhitecat · 04/06/2019 13:28

I am glad the messages here have helped you figure out what needs to happen, I know taking action will be hard but it is absolutely the right thing to do. I am more than twice your age and, until recently, was a nursery nurse on a team caring for children with some of the most complex health care needs, we supported them to be able to live at home in a way that meant other family members could do the things we take for granted (like go for a wee, or pop to Tesco, or maybe even sleep for the night). I was on top Band 4 so probably earning about what you do. I have recently given it up to become a foster parent and my partner has supported me 100%, he has never once questioned the fact that there will now be times when I am earning Jack Shit.

Go. Travel, explore the world. There is plenty of time for mortgages and children etc.

woollyheart · 04/06/2019 13:49

He sounds deluded about what many people earn. If he wants a doctor who is earning enough to buy him a Ferrari, he would be looking at someone much older.

Given that they have years of study, followed by junior placements, and tons of debts.... At your age they would probably be in a worse financial situation than you.

MaybeDoctor · 04/06/2019 13:49

He isn’t wrong to be thinking of buying a house at age 32.

But he is completely wrong to put pressure on you to effectively buy it for him. What has he offered you? Unless it is marriage he has no business whatsoever to have any claim over your money.

In the meantime, if he wants to go out with a young nurse he needs to accept that you have a young nurse’s salary and that the things you can do (such as meals out and holidays) will be dictated accordingly.

For what it’s worth, he’s not exactly a ‘high earner’ himself, is he?

Turn the tables. Perhaps begin talking wistfully about the clever, compassionate and high-earning doctors that you meet and see how he likes them apples? Wink

Thedilemma111 · 04/06/2019 14:06

Oh my god when I was 25 I was absolutely broke . Not in debt but absolutely no savings , just finished further study plus all professional qualifications complete .

It’s true , when ur 32 I bet U will have climbed the ladder and be earning just as much as this idiot .

Nursing is a brilliant career if you ask me . Plus such a demand for nurses

mummmy2017 · 04/06/2019 14:12

Ask him about marriage and children,
And being stay at home mum for a few years...that should be Interesting.

saraclara · 04/06/2019 14:42

If you want to travel and work abroad, then saddling yourself with a financial commitment to a house with someone else was going to knock that dream on the head, even if he was a nice guy.

I'm glad the answers here have helped you.