He's gone and I don't think he's coming back.

[KeepCalmCarryOhFuckIt]

DH has gone. We've been together over ten years, have a young dc. He says he's fallen out of love with me and in love with someone else but I can't bear to talk about that
I feel like I'm going slowly insane and I can't hold it together. He's staying elsewhere, not with her, 'for a few nights' but I know in my heart he won't come back here and I can't have him here if he isn't with me. He says he wants to try but the feelings aren't there and he doesn't know if they'll come back and it's too big a risk.
Please help me get through this, my dc keeps seeing me cry and they don't understand.

TheStuffedPenguin your post hurts but helps. I'll try and get a gp appt in the morning because I can feel my mind slipping a bit and don't want to go down that road.

Nasty little creep doing that to you and the way you feel right now is made SO much worse by the fact he has cast himself as 'Mr Nice' and it suits his ego for you to keep that picture of him.

You need to detach detach detach.

But for you, adjusting to the reality of what he has done will be constantly blindsided and confused by the fact that he will go to any lengths - he will lie, minimise, evade deny etc to avoid the truth / 'hurting you' - to sustain the clean and shiny image he has chosen for himself and requires from you.

He's not clean and shiny he's a little shit doing that to you!! Don't make any excuses for him and frankly, don't believe a word that comes out of his mouth. His self image is far more important to him than your feelings whatever he may say.

I am so sad for you, you wee love, and i can remember all too vividly what you are experiencing now, but you WILL get through this. xxxx

This happened to me last year while I was pregnant. He left 3 times the ow who was a fling messaged me to tell me good luck to me (she did that after she found out I was pregnant).

He's put me through hell the last year and is still trying to control and use the DCs to try and get us to go back to him. That was a few months ago but there was no way I could trust him not to do it again. I was someone I didn't recognise anymore because of everything he did, I became so paranoid of what he was up to when he wasn't at home, who he was having lunch with at work (ow works with him) it was no way to live.

Like everyone has told you, it's so hard for the first few months but stick it out, it was a few months of hell but I've got through it and it's such a relief to be out of that situation and I feel so free! It's amazing and I never thought that I would ever feel like this again. I too went to the doctor and was prescribed citalopram which I didn't really want to take but I needed them to function, to get up and go to work, to be there for my children. It really takes the edge off and numb the pain so you can carry on and be who you were before you were treated this bad.

Don't wait for him to come back, if he does come back you'll be constantly thinking if he will up and leave again, there'll be more lies. That is no way to live.

Keep talking on here, this helped me so much and it gives you a wake up call.

Big hugs.

I will ask about citalopram, I'm not sure if they will prescribe or just say come back in a few weeks if you still feel this way?
I'm thinking about the future and it's so bleak. Even just next week, flying solo, what the hell do I do with dc 7-7? We have groups some days but before after and from tea time til bed? I hate crying in front of dc. Little face looking up at me so confused and trying to cuddle me and kiss me better. It's fucking heartbreaking.
I want time to disappear, the despair I'm feeling worries me. How did I become so attached, I thought I was a fairly strong woman with good morals and no-nonsense attitude.

Make sure they do prescribe it to you, they will probably start you on 10mg and then up it if you need to. They do take a about two weeks to work so sooner you go the better. Honestly I didn't want to go on them and I was so ashamed and felt that I was a failure for needing them but they have really helped and helps you to think and see things clearly.

I was too very strong and wouldn't put up with any crap but this hasn't happened overnight for you, the relationship has been like this for a very long time and he's made you think and feel that you need him and are nothing without him. Show him you don't want him or need him and you won't be treated like that. Read up articles about it, anything to help. So many people have gone through it and I thought I was the only one and nobody understood. Talk to whoever you need to, get everything out in the open.

You can't live your life like this. If he comes back it will be great for a month or two and then he could change his mind and won't think twice about hurting you again and then you'll have to go through all this again.

Sending big hugs to you. You will get through it

I remember crying in front of my DS sometimes you just can't control the tears. Citalopram will definitely help with this, it gives you the strength to be how you used to be a strong woman before you were treated badly.

As for doing things with DC, do you have a local park, nice fresh air, beach near you? Or just stay at home and cook or do some art activities or even if you just snuggle up and watch TV together. You will get stronger, every day you will get stronger.

Please, please read 'Leave a cheater, gain a life':
www.amazon.co.uk/Leave-Cheater-Gain-Life-Survival/dp/0762458968/ref=sr_1_1?s=gateway&crid=1HEZ88VPHW0X1&keywords=leave+a+cheater+gain+a+life&sprefix=leave+a+cheater%2Caps%2C160&tag=mumsnetforu03-21&qid=1559490493&sr=8-1

And read the Chumplady blog. www.chumplady.com/

My exhusband had a 18 month affair with someone I thought was a close friend. It almost destroyed me and I'm still dealing with PTSD several years later.

However, since I kicked him to the curb, I now realise how unhappy I was being married to an emotionally abusive, selfish, lazy fuckwad. I bet, when the fog clears, you will look back on your relationship and recognise similar behaviours in your husband. People who are able to lie repeatedly to the one they are supposed to love are deeply, deeply selfish.

Tell your friends and family and his family.
See your doctor.
Try and eat - even sweets if you couldn't face real food (I lost 2 stone after I found out)
Don't engage with him any more than you have to for the kids.
Keep posting here.
You WILL get through this, I promise x

I will push for the prescription, I need something to help me function. The thought of two weeks feeling like this is pretty soul destroying though.
Thanks for the book rec. I think what's hard is that all other aspects of our relationship were really good, so it's not like I feel I can make a list of 'stuff I won't miss' to help ease it a bit. The ow was a complete bolt from the blue and I think he's shocked himself with the lies and going there. I'm sure again I sound naive.
Filling time is proving difficult. I feel like I'm just sat staring into space waiting for the hours to pass. I haven't eaten yet today and I think I'm about a stone down. I will get something when dc in bed.
I will no doubt spend a lot of time at the park!

@KeepCalmCarryOhFuckIt

Just go Day by day. Phone gp tomorrow. I am sure they will give you a prescription. I didn't get on with citalapram. I was given sertraline. Each gp has their go to anti depressant.

Maybe take tomorrow off to sort out affairs. Phone round for free hour with solicitor. Gp. And benefits. If you are entitled. They will only go from the day you call. So don't put it off.

Hope you have managed to eat. Being dumped was the best diet I have ever been on.

eve34 the heartbreak diet is real isn't it. I just have absolutely no desire to eat at all, and I'm usually very much a comfort eater.
I'm not working at the moment so finances are a concern. I need to make a list I think.
It also means the time thing is stretching out a bit.
I'll phone first thing and see what they say when I get an appt I guess. I'm pretty sure I need some therapy to unpick some issues that evidently go back years.

A trip to citizens advice might be help too .

I'm so sorry to hear that you're going through this. But you will get through it.

Please tell someone you trust. Believe me, carrying this in silence is soul destroying. If they love you, they will support you in whatever way you decide to go.

I feel for you . I am 6 months in and still have not resolved what to do.
I know everyone here is offering good advice here , but is OK if you need more time. I know that I did not want to talk about it or confide in anyone until I could come to terms in my own mind. And yes, telling it to someone else, makes it so REAL. MN was a life saver as I could post and get feedback and be totaly open.

I say , take things at your own pace. No need to make drastic decisions until you feel calmer and reasy. The only important thing to do straight away is to check any joint bank accounts and possibly withdraw the money. And any wage slips he has.
It is a horrible thing you are going through. Take some comfort in knowing that other women have gone through this and they are all telling you that you WILL be OK.

OP, nannytothequeen gave you excellent advice. See a solicitor. Sort out property and child access now, while he still feels guilty.

I know it’s not easy, but you need to cry your last tears for that @&$@.

OP it's hard to tell from your posts but is DC a baby of 7 months? I might have misunderstood.

A couple of close people know now and it helps a little that they can support me. How exactly I'm not sure, but just knowing I can text them or go for a cup of tea if I'm lonely I suppose.
Ferfeckssake yes I want everything to slow down. Its all moved very quickly for me and its not helping me come to terms with it. There's not much in the joint account but I really don't think he'd do anything like that, he still wants to support us both. I have a couple of wage slips but email password changed 3 weeks ago so I can't get to any more.
The house is mine, no concerns there, I just need to work out a way to pay for it all because he can't support us forever. I am trying to take some comfort in the fact that this happens to women all the time and they are OK.
Dc a bit older than that daisy
This thread feels very outing

Even if it’s outing you haven’t done anything wrong. It’s his shame not yours.

Sending you love.
I was you 11 months ago.. 11 years together, 1 year married and he just came home one day and decided he didn’t love me anymore and that was that.. I thought the world had fallen out my arse and honestly NEVER thought I’d smile again.

If there’s one thing I can promise you, it gets better. My good days now hugely outweigh my bad. I don’t think I’ll ever get what he did to me, but I no longer pine for him or the relationship. It took lots of time with friends, family, some counselling sessions and me time ... all of which I’d recommend.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this, my advice would be to focus on you and your child and take each day as it comes for the time being x

Agreed, he isn’t on your side, he isn’t your friend anymore. Do don’t trust him. It’s time for self protection

OP I am so so sorry you are going through this you seem lovely.

I am going through similar, found out a few weeks ago my DP has had one night stands through the whole duration of our relationship. We have a 1yo DS together, house, the lot.

I’ve kicked him out, I’ve separated our finances, told him which days I want him to see DS and not deviate from that.

I posted on here too and got LOADS of good advice which I have taken up all of it:

1. get all of your finances in order and check he hasn’t taken credit out in your name. You already have the upper hand because you own the house.
2. get yourself to the GUM clinic because you don’t know if he’s been sleeping around.
3. I understand you don’t feel like talking but even telling just one person that you trust will help. I told my work colleagues and my boss (mostly because I kept crying at work!) but it’s massively helped as they have laid off the pressure of my day to day work tasks which is so important at a time where I have felt so low that I’m just merely keeping me and DS alive at the moment. Also I’ve had offers of childcare so I can go to see a solicitor etc.
4. Do spend as much time with your DC and friends as you possibly can. I work full time but I make sure I plan something for a every single evening (yes every single one!) and every single weekend so that me and DS are out and I see friends too with kids of a similar age. Even if you hate being out at this point (I did too) but it does pass and you enjoy it and the days go faster which is what you need. Also once DS was in bed I make sure every evening I had something to look forward to. A book, a pedicure, a bath, a facial, a manicure literally every night I do something for myself because when DS is in bed that’s when the loneliness really sets in.
5. revisit old hobbies. I’ve picked up one of mine which happens to also be athletic so the exercise is boosting my mental health tenfold.
6. eat healthy. Try your best. I forced myself even though I felt sick for days but I refused to starve myself over that bastard.
7. treat yourself. I’ve bought new make up, new going out in dresses, I’ve booked my hair to be highlighted, I’ve booked tickets to see bands with friends and I’ve arranged my DS to visit grandparents (I don’t have any family for 300 miles around me) so we can have some family time.

These are just some things I have done that have helped A LOT. Sounds cliche the whole “work on yourself” thing and I hated the idea of it but why ask for advice and don’t take it? I asked for advice and I took it all up.

At first you will hate the going out, the doing stuff for you because you just feel numb but fake it until you make it. Please trust us, it really does work and I promise that you will start to enjoy your new freedom and new life.

Honest to god, what my ex done to me has broken my heart into a million pieces. I firmly believed that no one has ever loved anyone as much as I loved him.

But I realise that all I’ve lost is a cheating scum bag. He’s lost a loyal and happy girl and sweet beautiful DS.

PLEASE DO NOT GO BACK TO HIM!

He’s undecided as to whether he wants you, make his decision easier and remove yourself as an option.

He will regret it one day, I promise.

Power to you, you CAN do this and you WILL do this.

Amen to all the ladies out there who have been broken.

We will learn to heal ourselves long before they learn how to break us!

missbee90 I was hoping you might post. Hope this isn't weird but I've read a lot of your posts as our situations seem quite similar, I think we're a similar age. I'm glad you're feeling better about everything, it gives me hope that one day I will too.
He didn't change the password deliberately, it has to be changed periodically. I have full access to all other financial info but don't know what I might need?
Thanks for the detailed post thegirlracer I will read it more carefully but there's some words of wisdom in there. My head is just a bit scrambled. I'm so sorry this has happened to you too, you really sound like you've got your shit together and have come through the despair which also gives me hope. Thank you all

Pleased to hear that you have shared what is happening for you. I suggest that you nail everything down - money in the joint account, any assets, everything. He may be saying now that he wants to do the best by you, but this desire on his part will slip with every passing day. There are loads of things that my ex promised in the guilt of leaving and very few have been honoured. Things like he promised that I could spend every Christmas with my kids as I have no other family at all. Last Christmas I spent the day alone and he wouldn't even let me see the kids for half an hour. They spent Christmas with the OW. I should have nailed all of these kinds of promises in a signed document. I have a friend whose partner has just walked after some very shameful behaviour from him. I advised her to make any necessary changes that might be contentious down the line now whilst he is still in guilt mode. She has packed up her family and moved 400 miles to be close to her mum and sister before he can object and good on her. Please please take action now, because his promises and navel gazing will mean nothing in six months time.