He's gone and I don't think he's coming back.

[KeepCalmCarryOhFuckIt]

DH has gone. We've been together over ten years, have a young dc. He says he's fallen out of love with me and in love with someone else but I can't bear to talk about that
I feel like I'm going slowly insane and I can't hold it together. He's staying elsewhere, not with her, 'for a few nights' but I know in my heart he won't come back here and I can't have him here if he isn't with me. He says he wants to try but the feelings aren't there and he doesn't know if they'll come back and it's too big a risk.
Please help me get through this, my dc keeps seeing me cry and they don't understand.

for you CoffeeOnA Drip
So many strong women out there dealing with these shit crap heartbreaking situatiins

I didn't try hard enough to fix them
If that's the case, why aren't you the one off having an affair, OP? This is not on you.

I hate cheaters. I grew up with a father who had many affairs and took off and left us behind. You are not to blame, your DH left you as he is sleeping with someone else. It always amazes me that very few men simply get up and leave without having OW already waiting. Find your inner anger, this man will not be sitting sobbing or worrying about you. He will be feeling happy in his new found freedom and making plans with his OW....tell your family, get some support and see a lawyer......

I just wanted to say thank you for posting back to me. It's painful but it's really helping. I have spoken out to some family and they just want to support me. I still feel alone and heartbroken but it isn't so much a big secret pressing down on me now.
I think I sound a bit naive and stupid/blinded but when I read some posts I want to defend him. I know he deliberately had an affair because that's a choice of behaviour that you are in control of. Thoughts and feelings are a bit more of a grey area for me. Of course I'm livid at the action though.
He wouldn't move far away, he absolutely dotes on dc and always has. This makes it harder if he were to leave for good because I know I'd have to see a lot of him.
For now it's one step in front of the other and I think I'll probably keep posting here if you don't mind. There's only so much I can say to my RL support.

Poor you - what a vile creep he is. Go with getting him to take the kids out somewhere nice - and get a friend round for support, just as
WishIcouldThinkOfAGoodName suggests. With luck they will still be there to give him a richly deserved mouthful when he brings them back ...

@KeepCalmCarryOhFuckIt

You have had a terrible shock and your world has been turned upside down. Be kind to yourself. Try to eat. And drink when you can. A piece of toast or fruit.

You will get through this. But it takes time. So go Day by day. As best you can. I fed my kids pasta and beige food for months. It is only now 18 months on I'm have started to feel more human. Cooking better meals and able to focus more on looking ahead.

For now. Tell a friend or family. They will want to support you. I always felt I had no friends until I turned up crying on someone's door step.

Make an appointment with your gp. And have a look at local charities who offer counselling.

Start writing things. Keep notes of your thoughts and feels. Don't be sending him any e mails. Or long text. Write it and don't send it.

He moved on long ago and is not on the same page as you. You have some catching up to do.

Get organised copy pay slips mortgage info. Pension info etc.

Phone call to Cms and benefit check Monday morning. Discuss how contact for the children is going to look. And go as low contact as you can and get your own legal advice so you are prepared moving forward.

It may swing round. I know that is what you want deep down. Change is scary. But being prepared puts you in a stronger position. Don't get pushed around.

As I said I'm 18 months down the line. More good days than bad now. Ex is still with ow. Hope it works out for them. We are better off without him. I'm fortunate the house was
Mine before we met. So he has little invested in the property. He has children eow. So they are with me most of the time. It isn't easy. I have had very little child support from him over the 18 months. I try to stay positive and focus on a better future for the children and I.

This happened to me three years ago. Please tell someone. They will want to help. And it will make you feel less alone. Don't worry about your DC. Easy food and TV is fine. Or playing in the garden whilst you have a cup of tea.
If he comes back then you get to choose whether you want him back. Mine made a move after a couple of months but I told him he was too late and the door had now closed. But your priority is not whether or not be changes his mind. It is you and your DC.
Now I am going to give you the most important piece of advice - not many women are able to do this, including me. But I so wish I had. Get him nailed down as soon as possible on money and arrangements for the children that suit you. Don't even think about being fair. Do what is best for you. Go to a solicitor and get it sorted. Right now he will be feeling guilt and will be amenable to working with you on this. Once the guilt subsides, there is a good chance of him becoming a nightmare. Take this window of opportunity now. And I repeat, don't think about him. Think about you and your children. I was offered this advice, but I didn't take it because I trusted him. More fool me!
Finally, do not be fooled into thinking he is on your side right now. He is not and he is not interested in your happiness otherwise you wouldn't be in this position.
Sorry if I sound harsh. I am trying to pass on what I learnt from my own experiences. Good luck, Stay strong. You can do it.This is not your fault.

I'm so glad you've spoken to someone in real life, OP. You shouldn't have to go through this alone.

eve34 you've managed to articulate a lot of what I'm feeling. The shock is huge. I read threads on here and felt terrible for the poor women in these situations but never for a moment did I think I'd be one of them.
I've started writing just to get my thoughts down somewhere. And a list to remind me exactly why contacting ow would be absolutely disastrous- that has come in handy already.
Thank you for the practical advice. I will look into the suggestions and think about what arrangements would suit me re dc. I have no idea right now but it's something to think about.
I know it sounds trite but I do still love him and I do want to make it work. I don't think it'd be easy for a minute, but I can't walk away without knowing I've tried my best with the knowledge I now have. (I know it's not me walking away but I sort of mean from a closure angle).
I always thought if this were to happen to me I'd hope the door hit him on the way out but now I really see why people say it's so difficult/not black and white.

Also been here, he walked out when I was pregnant with baby#3. It’s horrendous, like no pain I’ve ever felt, not only for me but for my kids. I let him mess me around for weeks as I was trying to make him want to stay to avoid hurting the kids. Prolonged my pain. You will get through this, I’m 4 months down the line now, less heartbroken more absolutely fucking raging. I don’t want to hate the father of my children but the anger is much easier than the heartbreak and motivates me to succeed.

You will be ok OP, maybe not right now and that’s ok. It’s like grief, let it out. I cried and cried until I didn’t think I could cry anymore. A good friend of mine kept reminding me that although I felt awful I’d never feel as awful as I initially did and she was right. Glad you have told someone, let them support you, if the kids eat freezer food and watch a lot of tv that’s ok. I used to get through the end of a day and feel proud that I’d survived. That the kids were fed, clean and tucked up in bed. If gave me the strength to keep going. We can endure more than we think we can. Keep going - one foot in front of the other.

@KeepCalmCarryOhFuckIt

I felt the same. I laid it out for him. That I wanted us to be better people together. For us and the kids and the extended family.

He had moved on new circle of friends and ow. It was a whole heap more exciting than family life and the drudgery of day to day life of work and kids.

I made it very clear that this was not what I wanted. This was his choice. Once he made it clear there was no going back. I drew a line. Contact was about the kids and money only. And he saw the kids eow. I did not engage with him over anything else. He thought we would be friends. That he could come and go as he pleased. He wanted me to ease his guilt. That didn't work for me.

18 months on. He is in a rented flat with another couple and rats. Lost his job and driving licence. Has heap of money problems. And only sees one dc eow. The other has gone non contact. Apparently he has lost everything he cared about. 🙄.

I'm not out of the woods. But I am making positive steps forward and feeling more like the old me. Mn was a life saver. Keep talking. And gather good people around you.

I remember what it was like, OP. The shock and pain was so intense it was as if a wind tunnel had opened in my chest and an icy force 10 was blowing through me.

I found it helped not to make any big decisions and to focus on the tiny ones like "now I'm going to have something to eat" - really it was that raw and scary. The little decisions you make now to take care of yourself will be the building blocks of the future whichever way this pans out.

I'm really sorry.

My fiancé left me without warning about 20 years ago. I had a child (not his). He'd nagged me to have a baby but I didn't want to. Not six months later my friends mum saw him and his 'wife' and baby in town. He was obviously stringing both of us along. I was distraught at the time , but looking back it was the right thing. My child (4 at the time ) says he doesn't remember him or the situation, thankfully. You will be fine , it doesn't seem like it now , he is a twat , how dare he treat you like this. Head up , shoulders back , move on. Good luck

God there's some terrible stories here. How can people hurt the ones they are supposed to love so badly.
We keep poring over the details, not a pick me dance, just a "where did we go so wrong" and each time I think he's coming round and then he crushes me again. I need to adopt eve34 approach and cut that contact but I can't. The pain is absolutely indescribable. How will I ever trust anyone with my heart again?
I'm alone in bed now, dc tucked up and it's crashing into me in waves, I feel like I can't breathe. I just need it to get better.

It will get better

Be your own best friend OP. Those post mortem type talks in the early days aren't a true reflection of anything, there's too much hurt and shock. Time and distance will help ease your distress - and you might think very differently about this a the weeks and months to come.

Rest and good, simple nourshing food when you can will help. Visit your GP if need be.

Evening are the worst. My eldest stays up until 9pm. Which is nice to have some company. But then I feel like I get no down time.

Please go to your gp. I don't know how you feel about meds but they enabled me to cope.

There is no mileage in going over things. You will both see it differently and he will of rewritten history. Ex had a list of my failings. He liked to Trott out. I am not perfect. But unlike him I put the family first.

Try and rest. And look after yourself.

A lot of us have been in the same position OP, and I’m not going to lie - getting through these next few weeks is going to be so difficult, but stay strong. Lean on friends and family as they are the ones who will get you through this. Mine were life savers in the early weeks. You will flip between anger and absolute heartbroken sadness, but you will eventually get through it. It really is just about taking each day as it comes, but make sure your sadness doesn’t blind you to the practicalities, ie financial, because he will have known for a while his plans and how he’s going to play this. Don’t believe anything he promises you - get your own independent legal advice. The person you trusted, who you thought you knew, no longer exists. Good luck OP and big hugs.

And as someone else has said, don’t be afraid of turning to meds to get you through it. I remember sitting in my car outside my GP surgery clutching my antidepressants I’d just been prescribed sobbing and feeling like a failure for not coping, but they really helped me to see through the fog of those early days.

There's no bad words, no blame being dished out, we're both just so upset that things have come to this. He hasn't mentioned ow again, I don't know if he's in contact with her but the regret of that seems to be sinking in for him. I don't want him to not try with me because he can't forgive himself for what he's done.
I sound fucking pathetic. And I am. I burst into tears as soon as my eyes opened this morning, the sleep I did get I dreamed about it all.
I'm not sure about the docs, other than a referral to talking therapy, what can they do? I feel reluctant to go on Ad's because I know the reason I'm all over the place, I just have to get through it.

I hear you OP. I wish I could take the pain away from you, it really is horrendous. Would he be up for marriage counselling?

We were at counselling already, naps and I thought we were doing OK. Sure it was difficult but progress was being made. Despite suggesting it, his heart wasn't in it, he carried on contact with ow and he said things have just gone too far now. He's gone past the point of no return and I'm just not there yet, I expect things might feel easier when it sinks in properly that he isn't prepared to try any more. It slowly, and excruciatingly, is sinking in.

It takes time, be gentle with yourself whilst it does

Random points here :

Yes this has happened to many many women on here myself included and the physical pain in the early days is horrific . You have had the rug pulled from under you and you were ambushed . I used to try to divert by watching a box series set when I couldn't sleep in the night .

Anti depressants - you say no but they help your mind FOCUS on your issues as opposed to getting swept away by emotion .

Most women probably DO want their H or partner back initially - it is not HIM that you are attached to /love as such but also your situation - marriage, comfort etc and you are scared of the future . That is normal . I know of one woman who was so desperate to have him back she is still sitting in limbo with a divorce 3 years down the line getting shafted as each month passes.

They DO say all these things like trying again because they do feel guilty somewhere . They want it all to be easy . They just want to get out . Sorry but that is the truth. He has already moved on and you are playing catch up. "Things have gone too far now" - a very familiar phrase to many I am sure .

At this moment in time you cannot imagine what your future life will be like but it will certainly be better than with someone who cheats on you and does this to the family that he "adores " . I was you 4 years ago and now I realise my EXH did me the biggest favour ever . I am now with a man who adores me like my EX H never did . Every day is wonderful .

I won't lie - you have months of heartache ahead of you but it will get better !

@Muddlingalongalone thanks for the mention but I'm not the Op although she's taken a similar but longer name than mine