He's gone and I don't think he's coming back.

[KeepCalmCarryOhFuckIt]

DH has gone. We've been together over ten years, have a young dc. He says he's fallen out of love with me and in love with someone else but I can't bear to talk about that
I feel like I'm going slowly insane and I can't hold it together. He's staying elsewhere, not with her, 'for a few nights' but I know in my heart he won't come back here and I can't have him here if he isn't with me. He says he wants to try but the feelings aren't there and he doesn't know if they'll come back and it's too big a risk.
Please help me get through this, my dc keeps seeing me cry and they don't understand.

He's had an affair? What a disgrace of a husband and father he is.

You have to be steely towards him now. He is not your friend.

OP I have and so will you.

I mean, I’m still right in the thick of it by feeling powerful and happy to be free of it and then days when I break down and cry but let yourself feel these emotions, it’s the only way.

It IS getting easier day by day and the only thing keeping me going is that one day I’ll come out the other side smelling like roses while he will be left behind with a shit life

Am I being really stupid and naive to think that he means it when he says he'll look after us? How can I nail down things like contact, do I need legal advice for that? This is so scary. I don't think we're in a rush for the D word.
I feel so sad for you being alone at Christmas nanny I'm sorry he put you through that.

I don't think you are being stupid OP. But I think you are being too trusting. Make a list of people you can trust and for now, he needs to be at the bottom. You don't have to be on the road to divorce to get something agreed around contact. Have a chat with a family lawyer if you think you can, or at least send him an email detailing contact arrangements for now that he agrees in writing. In everything you do think of yourself and your needs and the needs of your children. But not his.

It was more of an EA but things were starting to turn physical. Not been going on long. I know I should but I don't blame him, I couldn't give him what he needed at home through my own hatred of myself and feelings of worthlessness. I'm just not sure how to go about changing that.

Thanks nanny we've only agreed contact quite informally and verbally so I'll see if I can write something up with him.

While things are still amicable and he is feeling guilty, try to work out support, care etc. Once a new partner gets involved things typically go from amicable to adversarial. Talk to a solicitor about your entitlements. Take some time to think it all over but I'd suggest sorting it sooner rather than later, when he's likely to be influenced by another party. As someone noted above he's already left the relationship. He's a number of steps ahead of you. Your still in shock and grieving, which is totally understandable.

You absolutely should blame him! It’s NEVER your fault!

Its so sad that I finally saw what the true problem with myself and attitude was and its now too late. The benefit of hindsight truly is a wonderful thing. Agonising though.
We've calculated maintenance but realistically he's not obliged to pay for anything else and whilst he says he's happy to keep up the support I don't know how long that will last do I. I need to sign on until I can find a job don't I. Oh god.

Mine said he would take care of me, even after OW came out of the woodwork.
He was lying and/or playing for time.

Good thing I didn't trust him too much as he shortly after showed his true colours.

Verbally play along with the "taking care of you" stuff, but accept nothing short of a legal agreement sealed with a consent order (and full financial disclosure) or you may come to bitterly regret it. If he gets angry at the idea of you legally protecting yourself, just take that as confirmation that he meant to screw you financially and is disappointed his plan didn't work.

You have inner strength you don't even know you have. You will get through this. Try and focus on one thing at a time and know we are all here for you.

It will get easier and I agree with those saying he isn't your friend. Don't bank on anything he says now when he's guilt-ridden.

Stick on that song 'I will survive'. You will!!!

Please stop blaming yourself OP it really is not your fault!

As MissBee once said: I hope his penis falls off

You are good at thinking of all your faults, as many of us often are, but you are forgetting your best qualities, such as your loyalty, trust, comitment and other positive qualities? If you have very low self esteem, at least you recognise and acknowledge this , the first step towards making positive change.

How are your children coping with their father leaving them? Sometimes children blame themselves for the parent leaving, just as you are currently blaming yourself. Truth is, Dh wanted to leave for his own reasons, nothing any of his family did. Are the children used to their father often being away from the home , due to him spending time with the OW during his extramarital affair?

He isn't going to sit around and wait for you to tell him to rekindle. If he wants to rekindle he will tell you. You need to tell someone in real life and hear an opinion from outside your head. Sorry, OP.

midsumma it's contributed to the split that I'm so hard on myself. I'm not kind to myself at all and now he's left me I'm stuck in that rut of feeling worthless and useless.
He's happy to give me any of the details I need and is adamant that he will always care for us. He is such a decent bloke usually, I'm struggling to believe he could screw me over.
Dc is too young to understand that he's gone. Being a bit clingy, off food and refusing naps but that may just be a coincidence. Not used to him being away no, 'affair' was more emotional and in the workplace so didn't miss family time for it.

Absolutely believe that he will screw you over OP. Right now everything is new, there's guilt on his part and the ow's influence is still not established.
Get things officially sorted now. I learnt this the hard way, don't make the same mistake.

someoneontheweb sorry you've been through this. Sorry to sound thick but can you tell me what I should do?
We've agreed contact by text and I can prove his wage going into his bank account but I'm lost now.
I know what he's promising me now and obviously I believe him but niggling in the back of my mind that I've believed outright lies before and like you say, who knows what influence a new partner may have. I don't know what's happening with ow, she's not in a good place either apparently boofuckinghoo

Unfortunately they love to promise they'll look after you because it feels great and it's free. Once they see the money leaving their account it becomes "I'm no longer being praised or feeling noble and this is expensive" and they are much less keen to keep it up.

Keepcalm. I know that you must be really conflicted along with all the other feelings you'll be experiencing. You ask what you should you. I think you need to see a solicitor sooner rather than later and follow their advice.

I’ve been exactly where you are, about 5 years ago my partner of 19 years left for a girl 20 years younger than him, we had a 2 yo ds with special needs, I did the pick me dance, begged him to come back and after a few months he did, but turned out it was only because he’d fallen out with ow and as soon as they made up he was seeing her behind my back again, we only lasted a couple of months and he went back to her, within a month she was pregnant. He was being a total arsehole by then despite telling me in the beginning that he would “look after us”, it got so bad I cut all contact for over a year ( he saw ds once a month through my sister), anyway he left the ow 6 months after their baby was born. He tried to get back with me for about 2 years but he did too much damage. There’s still a very small part of me that hates him for what he’s done ( probably because I haven’t met anyone else) but tbh we get on pretty well now which is great for
You will get through this, someone once said to me that if no one ever recovered from heartache then virtually the whole planet would be in pieces. It’s raw now, very raw but keep on oushing through the darkness because there’s is light in your future

Thanks nanny yes very conflicted but I'll see if I can find a solicitor. I have very little in terms of cash but I'll see what can be done.
penguin that's such a sad story, I'm sorry you had to go through that and especially the extra turmoil of having him back for a few months. I hope your DS has managed a good relationship with his father in the end, and it's good to hear you're amicable (that must have been a difficult place to get to).
I'm still in the desperate to get him back stage. I hope it passes soon. I do wonder, deep down, if we could even move on from this at all if he came back. The chances are probably pretty low, but some people must do it.
His feelings have gone and he says he doesn't think they'll come back, but what if they do? I don't even know if he'd tell me. I suppose either option will be very hard.
I'd have liked this to have been a trial separation, even if we'd split at the end of it at least I'd have had time to get used to the idea.

@KeepCalmCarryOhFuckIt, make finding a solicitor your priority, (and I know you don't want to hear this, but) get the divorce sorted as soon as you possibly can, he's more likely to agree to a good agreement now.
None of this is your fault, we all have flaws and although it's good you've identified things you can improve about yourself his actions are on him.
Of course his feelings are gone, he's investing them on someone else. Try to change your mindset, it's not that he doesn't want to come back, it's that he's not good enough for you, he really isn't.

I hear what you're saying I'm just struggling to comprehend it! I'm not sure what feelings he has left for ow. I daren't ask. Ignorance is bliss, or at least not as painful.
I'm not sure what constitutes a 'good agreement' either- neither of us have anything to divide, there's basic maintenance that he has to pay, any more is a bonus for dc. He doesn't have a pension, the house is rented in my name. Hope that doesn't sound too thick?

You need to go to a couple of solicitors and get their free 30 mins that they offer . That way you will get a lot of free info . Information is power . You also as has already been said to get your benefits sorted. You will find that people are very kind in these situations.

His feelings for the OW are of no concern to you . You talk as if he has made a mistake . I'm sorry but he has made a conscious decision to do all of this . It is not your fault but you do need to get up to speed with this . I mentioned before a friend of mine who dithered about wanting him back and she is sitting in a really shitty position now - no divorce and he has continued to spend on OW. She waits on his handouts . You need to find your anger or your sensible head , your self protection for you and your child . He is not your friend anyone . You will not feel like this forever , believe me . Good luck .

Please please tell someone. I was you 8 weeks ago! I was ashamed and didn't want anyone to know. I then told my family and my best friends and they have been amazing and I couldn't be doing this without them.

Cry when you need to cry. Just tell the children you are feeling sad.