He's gone and I don't think he's coming back.

[KeepCalmCarryOhFuckIt]

DH has gone. We've been together over ten years, have a young dc. He says he's fallen out of love with me and in love with someone else but I can't bear to talk about that
I feel like I'm going slowly insane and I can't hold it together. He's staying elsewhere, not with her, 'for a few nights' but I know in my heart he won't come back here and I can't have him here if he isn't with me. He says he wants to try but the feelings aren't there and he doesn't know if they'll come back and it's too big a risk.
Please help me get through this, my dc keeps seeing me cry and they don't understand.

Now is difficult and so painful, but it won't stay that way. 1 day at a time. In 6 months you'll be glad you didn't have him back x

It wouldn't suit him if you moved on. He'll expect you to be sat at home crying and wait for him. Instead if he sees a strong independent woman who has got her stuff together and is cracking on, he might come back. No one wants to come back to a weeping mess.

Don't follow his script, be your own person and ignore him.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. I know you're hanging on hoping he will come back. This happened to my sister too. He won't come back. Him saying he wants to try is him being weak and not wanting to hurt you more. The reality is, if he has got to the stage of saying he loves someone else and has left, he has left. And I don't say this to upset you more. I say this to help you face the reality.
You need your family and friends - they can help with your DC, make food, be those shoulders you need to cry on and people to lean on to support you through this heart ache.
You will be fine. It will take time. You are stronger than you realise.
And when the time is right, please get some counselling so you realise that this isn't your fault. It isn't. I bet you're amazing. This is all on him. He's an arse. A massive massive arse.
for you. Cry. Be angry. Be dignified. He's the one who has lost. Not you. Hug your DC. In years to come your DC will always know just how amazing you are. And what a dick he is - you won't need to say a word.

He says he still cares and wants me to be happy. I can't be happy without him, I can't just pretend I've moved on so he can walk away with a clearer conscience. I don't want to sit at home and be a crying mess forever of course, but I truly think that 'moving on' whatever that is will make him think 'oh well she obviously can manage fine without me, I won't go back and try'. Does that make sense?

LadyG that's really painful reading but I can see why you're saying it. I'm just not ready to hear it and I'm not ready to let go, it's all happened too fast and the pain is too great.

Yes, but he won't see it as that
You being a mess, is him having a lucky escape ...
If your being rightly angry and annoyed with him, will leave him with guilt over what he has done and make him shoulder the blame ...
Out him for what he is . He has deserted his wife and child to shag someone else...

It does, but it really is the best thing to do. Go to the gym, but new outfits and makeup, surround yourself with friends, make new ones, join a club, do things you've always wanted to do, get your ducks in order.. speak to a solicitor. There's some good advice on Matthew hussey and a new mode. The advice to get him back and to move on are the same, so there is no choice, it makes it simpler. This works. I promise.

Agree with @LadyGagain, plus if he thinks he loved someone else, he has wholly cheated on you, probably been having Dec with her all behind your back. He doesn’t get to choose whether he meant it after the event or not and come back. He chose to break your marriage, your trust, your heart. He did that deliberately.

The choice is actually yours. Send him packing. It’s normal to be devastated, especially if there were No major signs, but you deserve someone who wouldn’t do that to you, as do your dc.

You must put yourself first, and waiting for him to decide if he really wants to leave isn’t doing that. He’s already made that decision. Tell your friends and family what he’s done. You’ll have everyone’s support.

Today feels rotten. THe next few weeks will too, but you’ll come of this with you dignity intact feeling stronger than before.

Everything your are saying makes sense OP. I think you need to concentrate a little more on yourself rather than him and what he thinks though.
Take each day hour by hour... try to make a plan for the day, and write it down. E.g. 11-12 park with DC, 12-1 lunch, 1-2 pop to see a friend etc etc.. it'll allow you to go into autopilot but means you won't be just sobbing at home and gets your DC out and about.

But also, allow yourself to cry and grieve (maybe when DC are in bed).. I feel so dreadful for you and you have to remember this is the worst time, you will slowly start to feel better and rebuild your life.

I know you want him to come back to you, but could you ever feel truly happy/trust that he wouldn't do it again? Sending you a lot of love 💗

This happened to me many years ago, please tell a friend, they will be shocked but supporting, I felt ashamed!! But when I told people he had left me and I was heartbroken they were wonderful and really rallied round.
I was completely blindsided, but I am very happy now, that awful awful feeling you have now will not last for ever. You will get past this

Please call friends and family for help. Everyone is busy. I’m busy. But if my friend needed me at a time like this I’d rearrange my plans. Honestly when I had PND I had so much support I really didn’t expect. I try to pay it forward now.

what if he's just waiting to see that you truly want to try again?
What does that even mean, OP? He's left but you think he might be wondering whether you 'truly' want to try again? Why aren't you wondering if he truly wants to try again, given he's actually left?

His words seems straight out of the cheater's playbook - giving himself just enough room to manoeuvre that if the grass turns out not to be greener on the other side, he can slide back into his previous life with you.

Other posters have mentioned the need to avoid the pick me dance - it does seem that he's setting you up for that with his 'wants to try again but the feelings aren't there' line.

You need to have someone to take care of you today - make the food, entertain the dc. You know that if a good friend contacted you in similar circumstances you would go and help out, so please don't feel you can't reach out for help. A truly good friend would understand if you said 'I don't want to talk about it today, I just need someone to be here'.

I know, I really know that you're all right and this rings especially true The advice to get him back and to move on are the same, so there is no choice and I think the lack of choice is what I'm struggling with. The only option left is the most difficult one.
I hope I'm not frustrating you all with my what if's but its all I've got left, that lingering hope.
I said I won't do the pick me dance and yet I've done it. I need to stop that right now.

OP, please tell somebody. If you can’t bear talking, send a message to your friends/ family. Nobody’s too busy when the disaster strucks nearest and dearest. 💐💐💐

You are in shock. I was there 4 months ago. It sucks.

Today tell one person - your bestie, your mum, your sister. Text if you can't find the words on the phone but get someone with you.

Cry. Rant. Whatever you need today.

It is a tough journey but he has moved on and he did so the minute he shagged someone else. You need space and time to process and catch up but remember he is not your friend and do not do the pick me dance.

In the next few days get a separate bank account if you don't already have one. Change the locks. Put everything of his in one cupboard or the garage so you don't fall over it.

It hurts so much to be discarded like this but you are worth more.

This happened to a friend recently. Her OH forced the issue of other people finding out, but she was amazed by how many people offered help and support. So don't worry when you feel ready to take that next step there will be help and support there.

Darling girl . This happened to me 30 years ago ... 3 young DC . You will come threw this , just one foot in front of the other . I second do not do the pick me dance . Get a free legal 30 minute appointment, ask a friend who’s been there for recommendations. This will enable you to take back some control. They will be used to people in tears so have no fear . Be as kind as you can to your self and acsept all offers if help with dc . If there is an OW involved, I can’t stress enough, you need advice. Love to you 💐

He is truly not worthy of you. This is all on him and what has happened is actually no reflection on you as a person. Tell your family and friends what he has done.

Read the website entitled Chumplady; this could also be of benefit to you.

This was me 4.5 years ago except that when he went away for few days when dd2 was 2 weeks old it turned out he was with OW.
Cbeebies and cereal won't hurt for a few days and neither will crying in front of the children. It might confuse them a little but just get extra cuddles from them and say mommy's feeling sad/hurting etc depending on how old they are.
Be kind to yourself and take things slowly and remember he's bern building up to this moment so of course it takes you longer to come to terms with the situation. Be true to your feelings. Don't behave the way you think he wants you to give him an easy life.
Good luck!

Oh OP, I know how it feels. You already sound more tigetger than I was, I was a gibbering wreck and self medicated with wine while texting him long begging rants. My poor dd ate a lot of pesto pasta but thankfully recalls little of the endless sobbing.
Do tell someone. It makes it very real - I felt I wanted to protect him for when he changed his mind and came home and I also, as a pp said, felt very ashamed. It took too long to find angry, by which time my dignity was in shreds.
You will get through this and I wish you all strength to do so.

You found out He was leaving last night, but on reality he left months ago.

He's gone through it all on his head, thought it through, made his choice. You just found out last.

I felt I wanted to protect him for when he changed his mind and came home yes I think this is what I'm doing. But it's just not likely to happen.
Honey I know that and tbh I don't need to hear it right now, that stings too much.
Muddling what a total scumbag he sounds, you poor thing. How long did it take for it to become manageable pain?
Thanks for the more practical advice. I can't say I will follow it all but I will do what I am able to.

Be kind to yourself OP. You have had a life changing shock. Your brain is cleverly wired to try and protect you and that's why time really will be a factor here.
He is a cheater, a liar and an arse. Epic epic arse. Tell yourself that every minute until it registers.

I’m so sorry this has happened OP

My brother and his wife separated (her choice) and he was devastated. It took him a month to tell us and more than anything I was crushed he’d dealt with it on his own.

Tell someone, let them take care of the kids, take the pressure off, let you vent. You are in shock and grieving for what was. The shock will pass and become sadness/anger/apathy all/any of which are your right to feel.

You deserve to be loved wholeheartedly and unconditionally and to be treated with respect.