He's gone and I don't think he's coming back.

[KeepCalmCarryOhFuckIt]

DH has gone. We've been together over ten years, have a young dc. He says he's fallen out of love with me and in love with someone else but I can't bear to talk about that
I feel like I'm going slowly insane and I can't hold it together. He's staying elsewhere, not with her, 'for a few nights' but I know in my heart he won't come back here and I can't have him here if he isn't with me. He says he wants to try but the feelings aren't there and he doesn't know if they'll come back and it's too big a risk.
Please help me get through this, my dc keeps seeing me cry and they don't understand.

I've been where you are OP. I know right now it is one of the worst feelings. I can't explain what I went through when my H left, it was probably the worst day of my life.
BUT it does get easier. The best thing for you to do right now is to let him go, have no contact, don't beg him to come back. Keep your dignity (something I didn't do but wish I had).
And tell people, tell someone close to you, it will help I promise

The thing is that even if he does change his mind, he's destroyed things, hasn't he? How could you trust him again? He was carrying on with someone and you were blissfully unaware - this means that if he comes back and you learn to trust him, exactly the same thing could happen. I'm so sorry you're going through this - it's really shit.

I will when I get a minute to compose myself and a message to somebody. I'm desperate, I know. Probably very naive of me but I can see what the problem was now and I know I could fix it if I could go back in time. I know trust would be an issue for a while at least but its not a good enough reason to turn my back.
grow I think my dignity has left the building. Its taken my self-respect, esteem and everything else I need to function with it. My only saving grace is I haven't messaged OW yet

Oh op you are not terrible your dh is for leaving his family. Change the locks, you won't be able to trust him after this.

I feel like I've caused this. I know I've caused this. I knew we were having problems and I didn't try hard enough to fix them when I still had the chance. I was so blinkered and blind to what was happening right in front of me and now it's too late.
I don't need to change the locks, I'm sure he'll give me his key back and he can't get another cut anyway, it needs paperwork.

He tried to tell me and I didn't listen to him properly, I didn't hear it when I needed to and he didn't labour it for fear of upsetting me.

Hey now, there might've been problems in your relationship that you chose to turn a blind eye to, but it's not your fault he left you and it's not your fault he was shagging someone else. That's on him.

What he means when he says he wants you to be happy is that he wants you not to be upset by his leaving. He wants an easy ride out without too much head fuckery, because he knows he's been a massive bastard and he doesn't have to deal with the guilt if you're not upset.

But seriously, for your own sake. Ring your Mum, close sibling, best mate, whatever. Howl at them if you have to. But do tell someone. The shock will fade soon and the anger will kick in.

Also, don't make the mistake of putting all your anger on the other woman. Once again, this is all on your DP.

He's a shit. But you're awesome and you can get through this.

OP do not blame yourself.he checked out and broke the promises he made to you. This happened to my Sil last year and it was a deep shock for all the family. She is so strong and happy a year later. You will get there. Just take it slowly and ask for help.

Him shagging someone else behind your back is not your fault, let him go, if he came back would you ever be able to trust him again? I know I wouldn't and didn't when my ex of 12 years did the same, kicked him straight out.

I know I've caused this Why? You didn't make him shag someone else. Stop protecting him - he didn't protect you, did he? You need to get angry and protect yourself - now. Gather all the paperwork, get him to agree that he's gone and you can change the locks. Ask around for a good solicitor. Tell people.

@KeepCalm yes total scumbag but made it easier to not want him back in the long-term. Some things will never be forgivable! I sat on the sofa and cried every evening for about 2 weeks after he moved out. I couldn't tell people apart from my parents so gradually blurted it out over the next few weeks/months usually with alcohol involved but I'm shit at asking for help & see it as failure and am not good at failure even now. I was on maternity leave with dd1 only just having started reception so could focus on other things & bury my head in the sand.

OP this is not your fault. He may rewrite history (see the script) but he chose to check out not you.
It's difficult to give advice because everyone deals with things so differently and it will depend how amicable things are & what the new reality looks like, but it's ok to be selfish and to focus on yours & the children's needs.
For me I am grateful he moved 2hrs away & not just round the corner because I would have found bumping into him and "sharing" the children difficult.
Take time to grieve for the future you imagined in your head or talked about together & when you are strong enough repaint the new picture.

Sorry for war & peace....

Cripes he has done a job on you. Making you feel you failed when really he failed as a partner and a parent.

He wants you to feel your to blame, as he doesn't want to be know as a selfish bloke....

Hugs to you OP. I would recommend visiting Surviving Infidelity. Lots of people there who can give you practical advice. Also when you are feeling stronger I recommend seeing a solicitor to see where you stand and perhaps file for divorce. (You can always stop it). He currently holds all the cards take away some of the power he has over you.

I know this might sound a bit harsh, but he is not your friend. He's dangling a carrot in front of you and using your shock against you. Xx

Tell people.Yes it makes it real but it is what it is.
It is really hard but you have your DC to care for.
Also don't blame yourself,he took this way out instead of talking to you,seeing if your relationship could improve.He didn't try he found someone else.
Remember the strong capable woman you were befote,she is still there.And use the anger and forgive yourself when it gets too much and you cry.
And tell someone.

Please don't feel responsible. for his decision to have another relationship and now to move on. I doubt that there is anything you are doing that has caused him to decide to leave the relationship
Ir is much more likely to be about what direction he wants to haad in ( following his penis and not thinking of his comitment). than about any thing you are doing to influence his decisions.

Do you have parents or siblings or family members you can go to Please put yourself and your children first and go straight to family or a dear friend today.
This is crucial as you are understandably upset and deserve the comfort of a good friend or family member today.

You need to start to see straight about this. To see that you have infinite worth, and that you are deserving of a loving telationship, no matter if this one has ended, you have much love to give.

Take care of yourself and your beautiful DC and do something nice for yourself today. 1/ What are some of your Dc favourite foods?
2/ Make some simple favourite snacks such as favourite sandwiches or trears for the DC and put it in containers,
3/ Then off you go to see a friend or family and pour your heart out honey.

Reach out and let others help you through this. Do this for YOu & the children xxx

Yes, please tell someone. Don't protect him.

*relationship

*treats

Bloody hell my eyesight is failing and typing is crap!

Take some time to grieve over what's happening but please seek the support of friends and family soon. The distraction will do you some good.

These situations are absolutely heart breaking but you will get through it, even if it doesn't feel like it now. Stay strong, OP.

My dh too. After 17 years. Another woman involved. We have 2 children. Sending lots of love.

Oh OP, my heart really does go out to you, I’m so sorry this has happened.

I’m echoing Hollow though, even if he does change his mind he’s already broken it beyond repair really hasn’t he? Any initial relief you felt would quickly be replaced by a constant sense of paranoia that he might do it again, and/or anger at him which will eventually destroy your feelings for him anyway.

I’ve been where you are. My DD’s Dad left me and I went through exactly the same thought process you did. All I wanted for the longest time was for him to come back, and I truly believe I’d be able to forgive him. Long story short, I did the pick-me dance for years but he didn’t come back. I slowly grew stronger and recently there’s been noises from him that he would like to try again but I never could. Any man who can put you through that isn’t someone who deserves you.

You might not feel like it right now but you will get through this.

OP my stbexh did this to me... he came back, I took him back because I blamed myself (he made me blame myself).... he did it again, I took him back.... he did it again. When I took him back the final time I realised I just could never feel secure and happy with him anymore, even though I still felt like I loved him I knew it was over. So i have started divorce proceedings now. All this has happened over a period of couple of years. Every time he left was a new hell, I'd started to pick myself up each time and then he'd come back. Then all that progress was wasted because he just left again. It was also all so confusing for the dc. If I could turn back the clock I'd never take him back at all and just have to deal with the pain once.

for you SmilingThroughTears

An affair is only ever the fault of the people having it. Whatever problems you had that you weren't addressing may have caused the end of the relationship but not the affair and v v few men truly leave to be on their own, they just don't. Relate counsellers on here have said in their lengthy and wide experience it almost never happens. I was you a few years ago and I second what everyone else has said. Get angry and toughen up, at learnt as, far as he sees. Get some real life support, preferably get a grandparent to have the kids for a day to give you some headspace to cry, seek advice

Remember, he is no longer on your side and is not your friend. Dont trust him a second with regard to promises about money. Secure your finances ASAP.