He's gone and I don't think he's coming back.

[KeepCalmCarryOhFuckIt]

DH has gone. We've been together over ten years, have a young dc. He says he's fallen out of love with me and in love with someone else but I can't bear to talk about that
I feel like I'm going slowly insane and I can't hold it together. He's staying elsewhere, not with her, 'for a few nights' but I know in my heart he won't come back here and I can't have him here if he isn't with me. He says he wants to try but the feelings aren't there and he doesn't know if they'll come back and it's too big a risk.
Please help me get through this, my dc keeps seeing me cry and they don't understand.

I'm assured by my two friends who were left by their husbands that the feelings do subside! It just takes time and if you are anything like me, time takes too bloody long!!!!!

Tough times ahead I know. I take heart from those who have been here before and got through it, even if I can't see it for myself yet.
I said goodbye today and meant it, I need to cut off now. The pain in my chest is unimaginable. But nothing I do or say is making any difference other than probably making me feel worse and slowing the healing down.
In a selfish way I don't want to stop, I don't want to make this easy for him. But the fact remains that he's adamant he can't come back so what's the point. I've booked some private therapy for myself as I don't like where my thoughts are going. I hope it helps.

Hello, I posted my own thread earlier but it’s a little quiet so can I join in here? My husband of 20 years told me he was leaving this morning as he doesn’t love me anymore. We have one young child.

Everything I had planned for my child’s life has been ripped away. I can’t even think.

Littlefluffycloudos I'm so sorry, I saw your thread earlier and intended to post when dc had gone to sleep.
I'm terribly sorry for what you're going through. I know it very well and find it so desperately sad that so many people have trodden this path before us.
Although I am definitely struggling, and just this afternoon I had to go and do an awful scream/cry into my pillow, I promise you that the awful, constant, panic-attack feeling fades. I'm sure right now you feel like you can't breathe, can't speak, can't eat, can't sleep. It fades a tiny bit at a time and I pat myself on the back around this time each night for making it through the day.
I'll pop over to your thread so I can keep up with you

Thanks so much for your support it means a lot. Today I’ve eaten a packet of Pom bear and that’s it....

Sorry to hear you’re having a bad day too. It’s just shit isn’t it

@KeepCalmCarryOhFuckIt I was where you are 15 yrs ago and it took a good couple of years before I could properly move on. It's not easy at all. Since then I've been married and divorced, engaged to somebody and broke it off too.
It's made me a harder person in many ways but I don't mind that as it's made me so much stronger too.
Life does go on, it gets harder but eventually it starts to ease andduring that time you will find a new you.
Honestly

Thanks @IndieTara I have to just keep telling myself I will get through it although it currently doesn’t feel that way.

I’m only early 40s and I keep imagining my life stretching out lonely and alone. I’m always worst case scenario...

@Littlefluffycloudos 15 years ago when it happened I was 36. It's like somebody else's life now

Thank you @IndieTara you give me hope. And it sounds like we probably like the same music too from your username!

@Littlefluffycloudos that may well be although I went to see Metallica last week and my username is dog related!

I don't know if I can take it getting any harder than this Indie I feel like I'm almost constantly at breaking point.
It sounds so melodramatic but it's true.
I'm torn between wanting to talk about it and wanting to try and forget the whole thing and move on. I really hope the counselling is a good outlet for it all and I can try to contain it to there and when dc in bed. I know burying it won't do me any favours in the long run but if it could just not consume me all the time that would be a start!

Talk about it!! Don't try and forget it or hold it in!

Littlefluffycloud,

I’m so so sorry this happened to you 💐

It’s a horrendous thing to go through. But please don’t say that everything you had planned for your child is being ripped away!

I left my DS cheating father recently and still have loads of plans for me and DS. In fact, even more so now than ever!

Without his miserable ass in the background whinging that he doesn’t want to go on holiday, that we don’t have the money (we did) and then spending all our money on expensive crap we don’t need that’s nothing to do with DS.

Bleugh sometimes I even wonder why I’m upset he’s gone?!

Don’t stop your plans with your kid. IMO it’s even better now because you’re in full control and have ten final say.

It’s liberating

I had a really bad night. Kept waking up with constant panic attacks feeling like I couldn’t breathe. I can’t see any happy future for me. I don’t want to be a single mum. I don’t want to be lonely. I had being alone even for an evening.

Sorry to start the day on a downer. Hope everyone else is coping ok today

Littlefluffyclouds,

Don’t see this as and end to your future, but just that your future is now taking a different path, that’s all.

I did NOT want to be a single parent, believe me, I really didn’t. But I have big plans for me and DS to have an amazing life and together, the two of us are “family” and you can be too.

And then later down the line, you may meet someone new. Don’t give up panic attacks at night, they do get less and less over time x

Thank you @girlracer that means a lot. Can I ask how you started having hope for the future? I feel like I’m dealing with so much at once. I’m terrified I’ll break down and want to kill myself or something 10 years down the line when I’m all alone still (I’m not suicidal don’t worry).

I can just see my husband finding someone new, maybe having more children and my life being left behind.

I totally get what you're saying with your last paragraph!! That is a worry of mine! But I think you have to force yourself not to think that way!

How are you doing OP?

Littlefluffyclouds,

I know it’s hard, I really do. When you love a person and that person is your whole world.

But I think about all the shit things my ex has done to me and the level of disrespect he has had and I think to myself: honestly what have I really lost here? Not a lot to be honest! I can and will do better when the time is right.

For now I’m focusing on what I DO have in life. And I do have a happy and healthy little boy and if I’m honest as long as I have him and he’s ok, nothing else in the world honestly matters to me.

Put up a fight for yourself! And never make someone else the centre of your world ever again.

I’m not saying give up on meeting someone, what I’m saying is now that you’re single use this as an opportunity to live independently, make all your own decisions and figure out what you love in life. Find passions and maintain them, even when you find a new relationship.

Look how many people there are in the world. There is someone, walking around right now who wants the sake things as you, is more suited to you and deserves your love.

Give yourself time, love and patience

I was being impatient with myself and telling myself I needed to “feel better and get over it”

The truth is I’ll probably never get over it. I thought I was safe with him. We set up home. Now it’s all been destroyed.

But you can learn to live with it

@girlracer wise words thank you. I think you’ve hit the nail on the head with the feeling of safety. I just feel terrified I’m alone after spending my whole adult life with him. It’s feels unsafe and scary

I can relate to the unsafe and scary feeling too little but as has been shown countless times on threads like these, it's incredibly rare to be able to go back to a marriage when there's been such betrayal.
I sway from desperately wanting him to come home to knowing that there's no going back. It's bloody painful and I accept that it will be for a long time.
In the mean time I'm just taking it one day at a time, doing my best for dc and trying to look after myself in any way I can. If that means a glass of wine or an early night to cry into my pillow then that's what I do.
Leaning on people around me has been a lifeline too!

One of things stopping me from recovering (although it’s very early days!) is that he was good to me, he hasn’t got someone else, he’s a brilliant dad and was an equal parenting/ house partner. He just doesn’t love me anymore and wants to eventually move on. I kind of wish he’d do something to be an arsehole so I could hate him! It’s just all so reasonable and it’s infuriating

Give him time! I'm sure he will! I felt the same when I first broke up with my ex, but a few weeks later he tried to get me out of our house, then I found out he's already in a new relationship, and then he asked me to lie to get divorced quicker. The lovely charming man I was married to has disappeared and been replaced with a cold and detached arsehole!! It does make things harder and easier at the same time. On one hand you can't believe that your husband could be like this and it's really sad, but on the other hand, every horrible thing he does undoes the attachment a little bit more.

Maybe @Simonfromharlow but he’s asking us to live together and coparent our very young child for her sake with the promise of not looking for another relationship for 2 years so he doesn’t sound like he wants a quick getaway.

I truly hope he will be honest and good to you and the arrangement works!!!

My ex wanted to live in the spare room and co parent but it didn't last long.