He's gone and I don't think he's coming back.

[KeepCalmCarryOhFuckIt]

DH has gone. We've been together over ten years, have a young dc. He says he's fallen out of love with me and in love with someone else but I can't bear to talk about that
I feel like I'm going slowly insane and I can't hold it together. He's staying elsewhere, not with her, 'for a few nights' but I know in my heart he won't come back here and I can't have him here if he isn't with me. He says he wants to try but the feelings aren't there and he doesn't know if they'll come back and it's too big a risk.
Please help me get through this, my dc keeps seeing me cry and they don't understand.

OP this happened to me 15 years ago. At first I stayed strong and surprised him that I didn't fall apart, I told him what would happen and what I wanted in the split.

Unfortunately this made him swing the other way and he kept turning up at the house at night.

I caved because I was devastated and ended up regularly sleeping with him even though we were still split.

It was only when a few mths later I started feeling ill and it turned out he'd given me chlamydia that I realised I'd been doing the Pick Me dance.

At that point I kicked him into touch and completely fell apart. Panic attacks and depression which still linger to some extent.

Don't do what I did, hang on to your self respect

simon I kept busy ish but did allocate an hour to lay on the bed and cry. It meant I could be more productive before and after.
I'm making a list of things I can do when he's got her. It's not going great at the moment but I'll keep adding things when I think of them.
Wow Indie that's a heartbreaking read. What an utter arsehole. There's no chance of us sleeping together because we only see each other with dc, which I'm glad of because I wouldn't trust myself not to yet.
I can't believe he gave you an sti on top of all the breakup stuff. Jeez.
Lose my self respect every time I see him and end up crying my eyes out. Must work on that.

I think allocating time to be sad is good and def helps you be more productive! A good cry often makes you feel better!

Yes def cry bottling it up just puts it off and your body needs to get it out

Lots of crying going on. I don't know what to do with myself. I hate that this is what I'm reduced to. I just don't know how to start picking up the pieces and moving on when I still love him so much.
What the hell kind of woman would still love someone that could do this? Where is my sense of worth, how do I find that?!

Just keep thinking that for every bad day, you're one step towards better days. This is a process you have to go through before you can feel better again. It's shit, but you will start to feel better bit by bit (but you're in the hardest stage now so it won't feel like that) xx

Oh OP, crying in front of him and breaking down is not losing your self respect. Because in my opinion what you’re feeling and doing are just completely normal human reactions and emotions. Something I bet your ex incapable of! It just shows that you are a loving, caring person.

The crying will stop eventually, it’s only a matter of time. One day it will just stop.

But you’re doing great, so don’t give up

Must be the day for it. I've been tearful today! Some times it just hits when it feels like it! I'm going to have an early night I think!

Hope you manage to sleep and that you feel better a brighter in the morning! One day at a time!

Ok I'm not sure what that black square is??? Haha

I miss him so much suddenly

It's habit. That's all. It will eventually get better

@KeepCalmCarryOhFuckIt it is only natural to blame yourself. We weren't good enough. Should of done more etc. But if someone true loves you you shouldn't have to try harder. Be kind to yourself. Did you find any counselling for you. Local charities are good for this. And keep support of your gp. I know meds aren't for everyone but they really do help. And the right ones won't zonk you out

It takes a lot of effort to hold on to angry. Just engage less with him. He will hate that you are putting boundaries in place. And showing your strength.

He won't acknowledge the damage this has done. He doesn't want to see that. They want us all to be friends and make it ok for them. Don't. It is about easing his guilt. Don't engage. Kids ready. Hand over on door step. If he needs to come to the house have your coat on ready.

It's ok to cry and get the emotion out. It is a grieving process and only natural. I still have days now. But you will get more meh about things.

Totally agree with eve, engage with him less. The less the better. It will show you’re moving on and he’s less likely to mess with your head.

Was the same with mine. At first he thought he had it in that bag that I’d be going back and he was messing with my head because I was engaging and being drawn in. That was until I got solicitor involved

He now knows where he stands and has given up pestering me. I only contact him about DS now and he focuses on him. It’s much better when you just don’t engage at all. They’ve got none of you then and nothing to go on.

Thanks all for your messages.. I know that you're right and this is just the hard bit and it will get easier in time. A few things really stand out, the breakup script must be a thing too. Wanting to be friends and everything to be OK. I'm sure it eases his conscience when I manage to hold it together.
I failed miserably at keeping contact only about dc over the weekend but I'll try harder. It feels like I need answers to make sense of it but it's probably not actually helping at all so I'm going to try and stop picking at the scab.
I'm on the counselling waiting list but won't get seen this side of Christmas. Once I know where I am financially I'll see if there's anything left to go private. In the meantime I'm giving self care/love a go. I'll reconsider anti depressants if I still feel the hopelessness in a few weeks. Early days yet I guess! Hope everyone else is doing alright

I don't think you can't get answers from them as I don't think they know themselves.

I have started no contact now . Totally faking it . He said I dont no if I've made the right decision I've only been gone 2 and half weeks. Alls his freinds say he isnt thinking straight. I suppose I just have to do me now ... so hard

Oh @Becky2190 That is horrible. You must feel so confused. He isn't a nice guy putting you through this. And if he did come back you will be waiting for it to happen again. Just go Day by day. And look after yourself x

I no .. you dont just walk out on a marriage and 2 kids to see if grass is greener. He wont have any other chance with me now .
There is no other woman I am sure of it all his family and freinds have told me alls he does it work and sit in his one bedroom flat . Still be hard xx

I think it's rare but possible that there isn't always an ow. Or at least not having started something with someone else.
He's been answering my questions as best he can but I can't help but feel he's rewriting history with the benefit of hindsight. There's no way he can have been as unhappy as he claims for as long. And if he was then he shouldn't have pushed forward, marriage and dc. He wasn't protecting me at all, he was making life easier for himself.

He has done this before when he was in a low place and there was no other woman. My heart is breaking but I he keeps leaving I can never go back this time

@KeepCalmCarryOhFuckIt that's exactly what my ex h did. Rewrote history told me he'd been unhappy for ages but his actions during those times speak differently. I feel so heartbroken that they can just walk out on their children and not look back.

Becky will he seek help for his mental health? I think you're doing the right thing in protecting yourself for the long run. It must be so hard having this happen over and over, enough is enough.
Simon yes the actions say such different things. He said he tried to talk to me but didn't get through. If if understood the consequences I could have prioritised differently but he said he wouldn't leave me and we made plans for the future, I feel led on. The fact is he thinks that the grass will be greener with ow now, whereas he didn't have ow before so settled for me.

I have little time for selfish people. They will rewrite history so they don't look so bad. Instead. They should put their hands up and say I'm sorry I'm not happy this isn't working.

I have even less time for people who then do not support their children and bearly see them. But that is a personal note.

Yes are stronger than you think you are.

@KeepCalmCarryOhFuckIt yep I feel exactly the same!!!

No he wont get help . I can save him I have to protect myself and thr kids now I very hard though. He will soon fid out being on his own is not all its cracked up to be !!