He's gone and I don't think he's coming back.

[KeepCalmCarryOhFuckIt]

DH has gone. We've been together over ten years, have a young dc. He says he's fallen out of love with me and in love with someone else but I can't bear to talk about that
I feel like I'm going slowly insane and I can't hold it together. He's staying elsewhere, not with her, 'for a few nights' but I know in my heart he won't come back here and I can't have him here if he isn't with me. He says he wants to try but the feelings aren't there and he doesn't know if they'll come back and it's too big a risk.
Please help me get through this, my dc keeps seeing me cry and they don't understand.

Eve, you are inspiring. You show such strength despite the dreadful hurt. What a horror your ex sounds. Coming and going, dragging it out like that is horribly cruel. I hope to get to where you in time
I've had a difficult day today, sorting out finances and just generally untangling our lives. It's depressing and so draining, I think I'll have an early night.
I've said no overnights til she has a room of her own, in his own place. He wants to give me a break but I don't want/need one and it needs to be right for her. He wants 50/50 split when he gets his own house, the thought makes me feel sick but I don't really have an argument other than "because I don't want to". I don't want any of this but no choice. Anyway, I'm doing the thinking too far ahead thing again!

@KeepCalmCarryOhFuckIt good you have managed some practical things. It helps if you can focus on things so your mind doesn't wander.

As for 50/50 care how does that work. Can he do the wrap around care and work? It is likely it will cramp his style. I wouldn't give it too much thought. And see what he suggests moving forward. As for now you are right to say no over nights. And I hope he is ok with that.

I have to say I pushed as soon as he got the flat. Even though the kids were in with them. He thought he was going to just pick and choose when he saw the kids. So I quickly got eow in place. I miss them and it went to shit for the eldest. Mostly because of his bad parenting. He has never asked for any more time beyond his eow. And has missed a few over the last year. I have given up trying to understand him. If I saw my kids 24 hours twice a month I would be in the doorstep at 9am. And have lots of things planned. Not just the pub. 🙄

Sorry I have waffled on. This is only temporary. And I hope I can give you all some comfort knowing this awful time will pass and you will find some peace. Hang in there.

How you doing today @KeepCalmCarryOhFuckIt ?

Thanks for asking Simon not so good tbh. I know it's early days. I think the issues I have with myself (low self esteem, feelings of worthlessness) are so tied up in the relationship I'm struggling to see thr wood for the trees. When we started counselling, I had it fixed in my head that we could fix us and I could fix me, it sort of went hand in hand. Now I'm faced with fixing me and I haven't a clue where to start.
All the things I told myself in my head (not good enough, don't deserve to be happy, he'll leave for someone better) have come true so how the hell do I start to rebuild?

@KeepCalm wow everything u just wrote is me !

I'm sorry you're not feeling so great! Don't be sir hard in your self it's still early days. You just need to try and stop blaming your self. I know easier said than done. Just keep concentrating on getting through the day. Every day done is a small victory!

Those things didn't happen because of you. They happened because of someone else. You can't control what others do. You can only control what you do. You can make things better for yourself. It might be a long slog but you can do it. Get help wherever you need to, cry when you need to, see a councillor, unload on here. Keep yourself healthy. You can do it and nothing that happened is your fault.

Thanks for the support, I appreciate it. I do have bad feeling towards myself and do still blame myself, although I know it was his behaviour that was ultimately the cause of the end and I can't control that.
I still have the niggle that I caused the behaviour though and that's what I'm finding hard to get past. That and I feel like a toddler stamping my feet and saying but I don't want any of this!
I wake up in the morning and my heart just sinks, then pounds horribly. I have to sit and breathe for a few minutes before I can get up. I hope in time this lessens but I feel like I can't settle because everything is changing all the time.
I said to him yesterday that I trusted him with absolutely everything and it's just shattered and I feel like I have no one to rely on any more. He said he felt like a support, not a partner. That made me feel pathetic and so weak. Sorry, venting now.

I feel that way in the morning too. It's horrible. I feel so angry that I'm going through this because of what someone else wanted.

We aren't to blame.

Yes I have moments of angry too, I try to hold on to them but they don't last long before the sad takes over again. How far along are you Simon I've forgotten?

Only 9 weeks

You seem to have your shit together considering it's relatively recent!

I am 3 weeks today 3 weeks of hell

I don't feel like I do! Haha

@Becky2190 the early days are the hardest. I spent the first 2 weeks laying in bed crying!!

I think its hasnt hit me yet I cry then I'm ok.. my emotions are everywere ! He says he hasnt got any money and feeling sorry for him self . Well he made his bed he can lie in it he says things have changed so have feelings I hope reality bites him on his ass

It's 3 months now, my wedding anniversary too, 20 years and he says that he only married me because of dd. Well who stays married for 20 years if they are not happy??? On the plus side I joined a dating website, I'm only window shopping but it's good to be asked out even though I said no.

It's nice isn't it @stucknoue! I had a perv keep messaging me so I deleted my profile traumatised haha

@stucknoue he says he only married you because of your dd together and yet you were married 20 years?

That's just him trying to make it easy on himself. Suddenly he's terribly unhappy? Sure. Whatever.

You can't take their words as being of any value.

It's like they'll say any old shit to make themselves feel better.

Or even to reason it out in their own heads because they either don't get it or they actually know they have behaved so badly but they can't admit it.

I'm the same Becky. Fine for a little bit then absolutely heartbroken or livid.
He's full of shit stuck no one would stay married that long if they were so unhappy.
I'm going through a livid stage today. So angry that I'm upset and he's just moved on so quickly. He's coming to see dc and I will have to leave. I know violence is a no-no in all situations on MN but right now I'd like nothing more than to punch him in the face. He's got absolutely no respect for me whatsoever and clearly doesn't care one iota about me or dc, who is in bits and so confused and I'm here trying to pick up the pieces. What a fucking selfish wanker.

Good for you!! Get angry! Don't do what I did this morning when ex came to get the kids. They are totally selfish

He came to collect the kids and i wanted to go out and give them one last cuddle but as I walked out the step I fell hurt myself. He tried to help me up and I pushed his hand away. He tried to help me indoors and I pushed him away and told him to go. It was horrible I desperately wanted him to pick me up and hug like he would have done in the past.i was so sad and embarrassed that I cried all the way to the gym all through my workout!! Oh dear!! I've got grazes on my face, hands, a massive one on my knee and I hurt my ankle 😩

Oh simon you poor thing! That sounds very painful in more ways than one. I hope you've got yourself cleaned up and it's not too sore now. I know what you mean about seeking comfort though. It's tempting but how can it work when they've caused so much hurt? I am in full rage at the moment and although it makes a change I still don't know what to do with myself!
Dc not adjusting well imo but not sure how much I'm projecting. This makes me way angrier and sadder than anything else, innocent victim in all this.

It did did take mine a few visits to get used to it. The last one did seem to go more smoothly though!

I think I'm ok now! Been sitting about feeling sorry for myself!

Sounds like you need to punch something! Punch your pillows!!! Throw some stuff maybe!!

I hope it gets easier after a few more visits then. He's taken her out for the day and I'm absolutely bereft. Trying to keep busy but they haven't even been gone an hour and I just want to jump in the car and go and get her. How could he do this to us.
This has been the longest fortnight ever, I don't want to wish my life away but I just can't bear it any longer, it needs to stop.

You have to try and keep busy. I know everyone says it but it does help! I've recently started a weekend job where I work every Sunday. Helps keep me busy when they aren't about!