To think he's just a dickhead?

[GirlOnIt]

Recently I feel like I've woken up and I'm seeing the real Dp. I don't like it and I'm planning on leaving, he doesn't know that though.

I've got a good friend who's going through a crappy time and she's in our home town this week. I'd arranged to meet up tonight. Dp was definitely going to be home by 7, then 8!

Well where the fuck is he? He's making excuses that it's work, but it's bullshit and I know it. He's doing it because he can and so I don't go out, probably just sat in the pub all by his lonesome miserable little self. Dickhead and then he'll come home apologising and hoping to get it on.

Other than a few very close friends who know some of what he's done and my mum, everyone else is going to be so shocked. We look like the perfect happy couple and for a good portion of the time we are.
But those niggling little things have just kept growing and he's not the man I thought he was.

It's hard not to think he can change/we can change though. We were friends first and I've never known him be like this with any other girlfriend, so I feel like why me. Is it something I'm doing or have done. I've never cheated on him, so I don't think I've given him reason to not trust me and I don't think it's that he doesn't trust me. I'm not sure what it is, but it feels smothering.

Op he will have done it with other girlfriends. Unless you're in the relationship you can't possibly know the ins and outs. And like you said, from the outside your relationship looks fine.

Use his time away to gather all the important things and take to your grandparents.
Get your documents and ducks in order.
Good luck 💐

A controlling man will NEVER change. You are already aware that what he is doing is not right...checking why you spent £20 at Tesco’s, purposely getting home late so you couldn’t meet a friend....one he does not like.

OP, I know it’s hard and there are emotions involved here (and you are pregnant), but you have worked with abused women and understand that this is not right.

Speak to women’s aid and talk to friends...don’t keep it secret. Also, l know you are scared that he will keep your child (understandably so), but he will only get worse so it’s better to leave now.

Please read the thread in relationships by melted.

OP I don't know if you're a children and families social worker or if you've had much contact with the private law side of the family courts. Advice to leave him off the birth certificate is pretty pointless as he can get PR very easily through the court and if it got to proceedings the last thing you want to do is make yourself look spiteful and obstructive (which is how many judges would view it)
The breastfeeding is also a red herring. It won't make any difference to what contact an court might order at that age.
Posters advising court might not be aware that mediation is mandatory before court proceedings can be instigated and resident parents can't just say 'apply to court if you want contact'. You need to think about how to manage contact for both children going forward and you won't be able to just apply for a child arrangement order if there is no apparent need for one. Having a written contact agreement in place that shows you are being child centred and not obstructing contact will be beneficial if he ever did try to keep the kids from you in future as you could then apply to court and use it as evidence.

What other kinds of things has he done? Yes, total knob for not being home when he knew you were going out, I absolutely get that, but faced with the prospect of being a single mother to 2 children under 2, unless there were other serious issues at play, I wouldn’t leave him for that.

My husband has online banking and checks it constantly, asking me what I bought at x place etc. I just make a joke out of it. In our case it’s mainly because we’re saving for a house deposit. But he knows that if I want to buy something I absolutely will!

I know I don’t know all the issues in your relationship though so I am fully prepared to believe that actually he is a total bastard and doesn’t deserve you!

@Kitsandkids his behaviour was all about controlling OP and his controlling behaviour has ramped up since the eldest was born. It's abusive and likely to get far far worse.

OP, I don’t know why but your username sticks in my mind and I remember your other threads. It sounds like he might be getting worse.

Please put yourself and your child first. You must trust your instincts.

Please take care. I wish you all the strength in the world.

It's mostly a lot of little things @Kitsandkids and I don't want to list them. It's not the first time he's 'spoiled' me going out though and it's the sense of him knowing or needing to know what I'm doing.
A big one recently had been breastfeeding, I'm finding the thought of breastfeeding Ds when I'm getting bigger pregnancy wise uncomfortable. I'm speaking to my midwife about it and a breastfeeding support group. And I've repeatedly said he needs to just support me whatever I choose to do. He agrees, but keeps making digs about me stopping bf, silly things like to ds "oh you'll miss this if mummy wants to stop, won't you". Then he'll say he's only joking or only wants me to think about it because I said I want to bf till he's at least one. But it makes me feel like he's trying to control what I do with my body and even knowing that's how I feel, he's still done it.

Its also why the not coming home so I could go out, feels like punishment. Because I've recently spoken about these things he's been doing.

Girl you know what you're living. Don't let posters on here make you second guess yourself.

OP you sound like you have your head screwed on. If you feel controlled and unsupported, then you are being controlled and unsupported.

It's so much better to manage your life without a dickhead trying to mess it up. If you feel you will be happier without him, then go for it, and for what it's worth, so do I.

I was the child of a difficult father and I promised myself not to put up with what my DM did, and I haven't.

The behaviour of these men ripples through the generations, you are right to protect your child.

I would like to make it work if I thought he'd really change. I love him and he can be such an amazing supportive partner, but then he does these things and I'm like what the fuck!

I think he really thought settling and down and a baby would change things and he'd feel more secure in our relationship. But that doesn't seem to have happened and for some reason it's made him more insecure. I thought at first he was feeling pushed out because of Ds, so we've made effort to spend time together more, date nights etc and I thought that was working. Now he's switched and he's great with Ds but seems to have a problem with me doing non mummy stuff.

He's dropped my mums key off today though and he's seeing Ds tomorrow. He was very apologetic and said he doesn't know what's wrong with him, that he'll do anything to change and make it work. He's still not admitting he didn't come home on purpose though.

He's not going to change op.

That's my worry @perfumeineveruse. And I'll be fine on my own, I've got a great supportive family and friends and I don't need him.
But you know, I thought he was the one! And when we're good we're really good and until Ds I really thought we were solid.

I know. I'm sorry. But this is how people get stuck in bad relationships with abusive men. You keep thinking of all the nice times when he's being normal and trying to replicate it. You can't, this is him.

”When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.”

Words to live by sadly.

I’m sorry OP but he’s already tried and he’s already reverted. It’s now up to you if you want that existence for you and your child - for the rest of your life.

OP you could be describing my X! Before I got pregnant we had a perfectly equitable relationship (so I thought) because we both worked and earned our own money but once I stopped work to be a SAHM everything changed! He became totally controlling. He refused to put any money into my account. i had to beg for money for food, bills, clothes, everything. He would then give me the exact cash amount. Every time I arranged to have a night out with friends, he would come home an hour late. My friends eventually got peeed off and stopped asking me to join them (which is exactly what he wanted) Once we had arranged a girls fitness weekend away and he deliberately didn’t arrive home when they were due to pick me up. I missed the entire weekend away! There was always a ‘genuine’ reason for his lateness! The more I confronted him the more devious he became. He just switched tactics. He totally gaslighted me about his behaviour. I was really f*cked up by the time I left him! I’m talking 30 ago and I had no access to technology so didn’t have the wisdom of MN and other online resources! oh how different my life might have been! You seem more switched on OP and aware of what he is doing which is great! You are listening to your gut! Now that I look back in hindsight I can see he was a bit moody and sulky before i got pregnant. He did try to engineer situations to control me but it didn’t work because I wasn’t tied by children and I didn’t recognise it for what it was. I had no Idea about personality disorders. Im so glad that forums like this exist so that women in this situation can get validation that its not them who's going mad. They really are being manipulated! I pray with all this information available at our fingertips women will recognise what’s happening to them and get away. I hate to think of other women going through what I did. The sooner a woman gets away, the less permanent damage Is done. It’s too late for me (long term psychological damage re trust), but not you OP.

I'm sorry you've been through it @ilikemethewayiam. It's hard because Dp isn't 'that bad' and I know it usually gets progressively worse and I'd be advising others in this situation to leave. But it's hard when you're in it and you've got children and a life together.

He's never liked going out as much as me, back before Ds he'd often suggest nights in or dinner/cinema just the two of us. I've always been more sociable. But of course we had no dc so if I wanted to go out I just go. And he was a bit paranoid about other guys and my ex, back in the very beginning of our relationship. But they were the only signs. He was and still is so supportive of my career, he does his share of housework and with ds.

My mums home now and I'm staying here with her tonight. Having a takeaway and bottle of wine. Need to be at home for him collecting Ds for swimming in the morning. Then I'm hoping we can talk when he returns Ds. Maybe set up some temporary plans for him to stay at his parents for a few weeks so I've got space and time to think about things and what to do next. I think he'll agree if he thinks it's temporary. I'm not in the best position right now, if I'm going ahead with this pregnancy and I honestly don't think I can't this far on. But it leaves me more stuck, work/money wise in the short term.

Just realised how bad that sounds! It's lower alcohol wine and I've had one glass. I really wouldn't usually.

I hope your talk goes well tomorrow and he gives you the space you need.

OP, even if he had been working, that merely suggests he doesn’t value your time, your wishes, and you

and your desires. It’s selfish to say the least.

(and oops)🐵

💐

He collected Ds ok, so that's good. He said he'll be back around 12 and Ds will most likely nap after swimming so we can talk.
I've spoke to my mum and the more I've thought, I don't think there any coming back from this. I'm just not sure if I should tell him that just yet, although it's probably better that I just get on with it and know how he's really going to be.