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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

To think he's just a dickhead?

346 replies

GirlOnIt · 30/05/2019 21:57

Recently I feel like I've woken up and I'm seeing the real Dp. I don't like it and I'm planning on leaving, he doesn't know that though.

I've got a good friend who's going through a crappy time and she's in our home town this week. I'd arranged to meet up tonight. Dp was definitely going to be home by 7, then 8!

Well where the fuck is he? He's making excuses that it's work, but it's bullshit and I know it. He's doing it because he can and so I don't go out, probably just sat in the pub all by his lonesome miserable little self. Dickhead and then he'll come home apologising and hoping to get it on.

OP posts:
Hidingtonothing · 31/05/2019 13:18

Prohibited steps order so he has to bring DS back as arranged? Don't let fear of what he might do hold you back from leaving/kicking him out OP, protect yourself and DS in advance so you know you have nothing to fear Flowers

Original poster
GirlOnIt · 31/05/2019 13:20

I'm around 17 weeks. Not a easy decision at all, but I think I need to have a good think.

OP posts:
nc100 · 31/05/2019 13:21

Yeah that sounds shit then if he can bring work home.

I know the op knows him best but sometimes the cries of LTB can be dangerous when the op is feeling down/vulnerable. And pregnant with a baby under one could be one of those times.

Original poster
GirlOnIt · 31/05/2019 13:29

I saw my friend before she set off though, so that was nice. I'm at my grandparents being fed, and very maturely ignoring his calls and texts.

OP posts:
thisisadistraction · 31/05/2019 13:32

I think telling the op to work it out with a controlling man while pregnant and with a small child is more dangerous. This kind of behaviour will ramp up during pregnancy.

Soubriquet · 31/05/2019 13:40

Yeah I’m not sure if I could do it at 17 weeks either.

Bless you.

fedup21 · 31/05/2019 14:13

Did he accept that he was stopping you going out because he didn’t want you to se your friend?

Original poster
GirlOnIt · 31/05/2019 14:30

Nope @fedup21. He still maintains it was work and he got lost in what he was doing, didn't realise the time till 9:30 and thought by then I wouldn't go anyway so he stayed to finish off. He was fully intending to be home by 8 when he told me that.

OP posts:
Original poster
GirlOnIt · 31/05/2019 17:56

My good intentions to wait until I'm sorted, didn't work. He's gone to stay at his parents, but I'm apparently completely unreasonable.

Can people genuinely change controlling behaviour at all?

OP posts:
CripsSandwiches · 31/05/2019 17:58

I'm so glad you're leaving op. It gives me the rage hearing about these dickhead partners.

CharityConundrum · 31/05/2019 17:58

They can change, but it doesn't sound like he will because he doesn't want to. Blaming you and calling you unreasonable aren't the actions of a man who's committed to change, and you can't change him yourself. Has he given any indication that he understands why you're upset?

Motherof3feminists · 31/05/2019 17:58

No, they can't. I hope he stays gone Thankscan you change the locks? I can't remember if you said about who own the house but if it's possible I'd be tempted to do it if you can.

Original poster
GirlOnIt · 31/05/2019 18:10

It's jointly owned @Motherof3feminists. So I can't change the locks, but we have a extra lock/bolt and I don't think I'm wrong in locking that if me and Ds are home alone, am I? He's still saying it wasn't intentional but he's sorry. He admits he's wrong with some of the other controlling stuff, but it's just because he loves me so much and I don't realise what that does to him.

OP posts:
Original poster
GirlOnIt · 31/05/2019 18:19

He won't stay gone though, this is him in his 'I think it's ridiculous but I'll do whatever you want' stage. It's so I think 'oh he's being so reasonable because he really loves and cares for me, I know what, why don't I let him come home'.
It gives me some time to organise things though.

I don't even feel sad at all, which I think is most telling.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 31/05/2019 18:32

Urgh that "you don't realise what it does to me"

Run for the hills!!! Victim blaming right there...

OliviaBenson · 31/05/2019 18:35

but it's just because he loves me so much and I don't realise what that does to him.

Classic response of a controlling person. Do not back down over this and don't let him twist everything.

No they don't change. He'll just get more clever with it. It's no life.

KissUntilTheyDieOfRabies · 31/05/2019 18:50

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

Luckily, as a social worker you know what your options are ie Women's Aid and court.

But the sooner you call WA, the better. They have helped me through two episodes of Bastards.

Original poster
GirlOnIt · 31/05/2019 18:51

Exactly @RandomMess and @OliviaBenson. And we've been here before and he'll admit it's his issue and he'll work on it. He's like he can't stop himself, silly stuff like asking what I've bought in Tesco because he's seen a payment for £20 or something

OP posts:
Pencilcase123 · 31/05/2019 18:52

How long does he usually stay away for OP?

Thatsalovelycuppatea · 31/05/2019 18:53

I hope you are ok op. I'm in a similar situation. I don't know if I will leave but my dh needs to make a lot of changes for me to want to stay. Men are just dicks. No wonder so many affairs happen.

Original poster
GirlOnIt · 31/05/2019 18:56

Posted too soon! But silly things he knows annoy me but it's like he can't stop himself.
He can be so lovely and he's good with Ds and when it's just us he's fine. But anytime I'm away from him it's like he has to know what I'm doing.

OP posts:
Original poster
GirlOnIt · 31/05/2019 18:57

He'll definitely stay away all weekend @Pencilcase123. His dad said he'll make sure he does.
He's taking Ds swimming on Sunday morning so I'll see him then.

OP posts:
Pencilcase123 · 31/05/2019 19:39

This will just get worse if you stay. I am sorry he is behaving in this way.

MrsMozartMkII · 31/05/2019 19:42

He's brought it on himself. The trouble will be getting him to acknowledge and properly accept what he's done.

oneforthepain · 31/05/2019 20:38

In the interests of hardening your resolve against his manipulation: m.youtube.com/watch?v=d5NHBn5p9vY (from the Freedom Programme)

I get why part of you wants to believe he could change this time, but coercive controllers don't change - other than to refine their tactics to tighten their control and ability to go undetected.

I'm sorry he's such a bastard, but glad you're able to see what he's doing now and feel able to start freeing yourself from him.

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