To think he's just a dickhead?

[GirlOnIt]

Recently I feel like I've woken up and I'm seeing the real Dp. I don't like it and I'm planning on leaving, he doesn't know that though.

I've got a good friend who's going through a crappy time and she's in our home town this week. I'd arranged to meet up tonight. Dp was definitely going to be home by 7, then 8!

Well where the fuck is he? He's making excuses that it's work, but it's bullshit and I know it. He's doing it because he can and so I don't go out, probably just sat in the pub all by his lonesome miserable little self. Dickhead and then he'll come home apologising and hoping to get it on.

He sounds like a fuckwit. Get rid of him ASAP.

My concern would be that at present you can stand up for yourself and resist the control. But if you are ever in a vulnerable state you cannot trust him not to exploit that. Someone like this could become financially abusive to stop you being able to go out, or manipulate the children. It is the lack of trust and being able to rely on him to treat you as he should that would mean the end for me. People like this tend to ramp up the more they think they have you trapped and I would imagine after your second baby arrives, that could happen

Only you can make the decision, but I would have serious concerns here. He wants you to be mummy/partner, family focused, not an individual person who also happens to be mummy and partner

I think that's exactly it @BarbedBloom. He wants me to be wife and mummy. Which I don't understand because that's not the me he fell in love with.

@GirlOnIt Ah, but you as wife and mummy makes him feel secure as you aren't going out alone to places you might meet someone else. Keep you close and preoccupied. His insecurity is his problem and I say that as someone who can be insecure. You deserve to be a whole person and it is important for your own mental health and as an example to your child.

I guess I'm or was hoping he could work on that insecurity @BarbedBloom.

He's agreed to move out for a few weeks though, so long as we're still officially a couple in the sense that neither of us will be dating anyone else. Which is fine because the last thing I'd be doing is dating anyone right now.
Longer term I really don't know. He got quite upset when I tried to talk about that and just kept saying he doesn't want it to come to that.
I can't think straight though, I'm thinking about him and if he can change. The baby and how I'll cope with two so close on my own. The house and if I'll have to move out or if I can buy him out or he'll let me and the kids just stay for now. Work and money, another round of mat leave and pay and how on earth I'll afford childcare for two.

Looked on CM calculator and it's ridiculous what he'd 'have' to pay. I can't see how I'd cope if that's all he'd give.

The baby is making it so much more difficult and I hate feeling like this but it's like my brain is trying to distance myself from it. Like subconsciously I'm making myself not think of it as my baby.

We're just moving this over to relationships for the OP.

Look, you need to not think about what if he will change. People dont change. That doesnt happen. They can hide who they are, but never forever.

Your actual choices are:
A. You're done with his shit
B. You can put up with this for a bit longer.
C. You can resign yourself to knowing this is your life.

Some people, many people, choose C. Often convincing themselves into believing he will change.

A is so very difficult in the short-term, but will be better for all of you in the long-term.

Your actual choices are:
A. You're done with his shit
B. You can put up with this for a bit longer.
C. You can resign yourself to knowing this is your life.

Yes!!! THIS ⬆️⬆️⬆️
This really is the best way to some up reality - not what we wish for.

OP, I'm in the north east if you need a friend. I've been through similar (including leaving when pregnant).

It definitely won't be C @C0untDucku1a and @ShaggyRug.

I do think people can change. I'm not sure abusive men can. But I'm not sure if it's all just coming from his insecurities, thin maybe counselling might help him.

My options at the moment realistically are:

Stay: if he agrees to start counselling to work on his issues. Have the baby and take my second maternity leave.

Leave: and either buy him out of the property if he'll agree to it. This will mean needing to go back to work when the second baby is very young or deciding not to continue with the pregnancy. I can't see a way I'd afford to do it if I'm on mat pay, it's just not adding up.
Or he buys me out and me and the Dc move in with my mum. Probably the most likely situation if we separate. Only I don't think I'll be able to claim benefits if I've got the payout in savings. Equally will struggle to get and pay a mortgage on mat pay so any money I get from the house sale is going to be eaten up on living costs and I'll end up never being able to buy anything else.

As, thank you @LooUpdate. Sorry you've been through the same.

I do know I'm lucky and I've got far more options than some women in similar situations have. It's still so hard though and I feel like I'm losing everything I hoped for my Dc.

Stay until the end of your mat leave and hope he doesn't destroy your confidence in the mean time.

In your situation I’d terminate and leave him. But that’s just what I would do.

Listen to your gut, it’s telling you that this is not right.

As I said before, there are so many threads on this board (relationships) where women have stayed in a controlling relationship for decades. Their children have been subjected to this dysfunction...do you really want that for your children?

In regards to counselling and if he really wants to change. He will have to do this voluntarily, leave the home (for a long time) and essentially separate from you. You’ve already said, that he’ll come back and probably put pressure on you.

Stop calling them insecurities as though he's vulnerable and in need of help. He's controlling and manipulative, not insecure. You're kidding yourself if you think counselling is going to make him a better person.

Op hé will only get worse after your second child is born and you will feel trapped

It's difficult because he's not so bad and we've had years of him being really good. I'm struggling with if he could hide that side of himself so long. And he doesn't fit so many traits of abusive men and I know they don't display them all and that he might get worse, but right now I know I'm not happy with some of what he does but I'd struggle to class him as abusive.

I don't know! I honestly don't know how I feel. I don't feel relieved that he's gone. In fact last night I just felt sad and lonely.
And I don't know what to do about any of it.

But yes it does scare me that a second baby might make him worse @IndieTara. But then he's also been really supportive of me returning to work after the second. So that doesn't fit.

I don't know what to say other than, I feel sorry for the OP 'SOME' not all! men can be right heartless bastards

He probably likes you working as he knows where you are and wants your financial contribution...

He's happy for you to either be at work or "stuck" at home breastfeeding and looking after DC.

Maybe agree to give it another go if he has counselling. I'm not trying to sound weak because I am a strongish person, only you know if he is being really abusive and controlling etc but then there are also good sides, I'm not trying to encourage you to stay with a bad person. I don't think posts saying terminate the abby so flippantly are ok, you can't just get rid of a baby because of relationship problems, how will you feel if you regret it for the rest of your life, what if you get back together and are happy but then don't have this second child. I know children shouldnt see a bad environment and relationship but you will also be ok if you do have to bring them up on your own and it's a sibling for your child. I know many won't agree with my post. Please obviously don't stay with someone who is awful

We wouldn't really benefit money wise, childcare for two is expensive. But he's always said it's my decision and he thought I'd prefer to go back even if it's part time as he knows I love my job.

I really don't know. I think I need to just think through one issue at a time and right now I need to decide what I'm going to do about the baby.

Sorry that was in reply to @RandomMess.

You are very switched on that his behaviour is out of order. There is no shame in giving him the ultimatum of therapy for himself first and then moving on to couples therapy.

If you then still need to split 1/5/10 years down the line you will 100% know that you did everything to give him a chance to deal with his issues and stay in a relationship with you.