To think he's just a dickhead?

[GirlOnIt]

Recently I feel like I've woken up and I'm seeing the real Dp. I don't like it and I'm planning on leaving, he doesn't know that though.

I've got a good friend who's going through a crappy time and she's in our home town this week. I'd arranged to meet up tonight. Dp was definitely going to be home by 7, then 8!

Well where the fuck is he? He's making excuses that it's work, but it's bullshit and I know it. He's doing it because he can and so I don't go out, probably just sat in the pub all by his lonesome miserable little self. Dickhead and then he'll come home apologising and hoping to get it on.

I've been following on from when you said you'd let him back to stay but I don't think he left since fathers day to be honest or did he. thats boundaries pushing for him not you.

He did want sex and retracted as he would of seen your face and body language as in are you fucking kidding not on your life mate.
He isn't daft you know and has changed tact on what will work for him. What will he try next I wonder.

You are young and the kids don't stay babies forever either.

do you think he'll move on that quick or will he badger you to try again, Is he still on his best behaviour still.

Surely when the kids are a wee bit older you can increase your hours and save that way if thats what you want.

Honestly @Dullardmullard I don't know what he'll do or how he'll react. I wouldn't have thought he'd move on quickly, I'd like to think he'll be reasonable with the house and money. But honestly I'm not sure I know him at all so I've no idea how he'll act.
He did go after Father's Day and then I had to phone him to have Ds as I needed to go to the emergency doctors. Then he stayed after that.

I know I'd be ok on my own. But it's not what I want, my mum was a single parent and it was hard. I remember us not having much, certainly not as much as my friends and she was a fantastic mum and we're really close but I didn't want that for my children. Plus she only had me and my grandma didn't work so she had free childcare which I won't have.

It's why I don't want to expect too much help from my mum though. She's only just got her own life and I feel bad her putting things on hold to help me with my kids.

My Dp wasn't supposed to be like this. He's the exact opposite of my own father, that's one of the things that was so great about him.

It's now while they're young it's hardest though @category12. I don't want to miss out because I'm so busy working and trying to just manage the day to day stuff. Dp can't even have them for that long because of how young they are and breast feeding. And that's if he's reasonable and doesn't mess around with contact. Which honestly I can't say.

It's why it makes me question if I'm better off just putting up with him, at least until they're older. He's very good with Ds. I just don't think I can be in a 'couple' with him, I thought I might be ok with it. But I don't have any desire to kiss or cuddle him and certainly nothing more.
It's like that desire for him as just completely gone.

And my job! I'm going to have to seriously consider looking for something else. It's high stress anyway and combined with two under two on my own, I don't think it's going to be doable. But I love it and I'm good at it, with more experience I think I'd be really good st it. Even if I'm not so good at sorting my own life out.

I don't know where to start. I don't know if I should tell him now or let him think we're working on things while I sort things out. I've got a month of mat leave then I'm back at work so that's good from a money aspect at least. We're tied into our mortgage so not sure how easy selling will be, I think he'll offer to buy me out and I'll probably have to expect that for ease. But it's going to make me sick him getting to keep my house and Ds's first home.

I decided last night to come stay at my mums for a little while. That way I get space but some help with Ds.
Dp moving out means I'm stuck on my own and right now that makes it easier for him to move back in.

I've been looking at houses near my mum too and they're cheaper. I think I might be able to afford to buy a small 2 or even 3 bed terrace here. Might mean living with my mum while everything is sorted so I'm not spending on rent. But I think it could be doable. If I can get a mortgage, I'm guessing being/going on mat leave could be held against me, likewise childcare costs. Do they take tax credits into consideration? I'll have a decent deposit so that's a plus and the mortgage will be a lot less than renting a similar property a good few hundred cheaper.

My mum though, bless her. She's been clearing the spare room at hers and decorated it for my Ds. I still have my room there and until now Ds has just stayed in with me. It's like she knew we might be coming back more long term 😂

Your mum is a star!

I’m glad to hear this @city.

I think living for a while with your DM, will give you the space to process his behaviour.

I also agree with @Dullardmullard, that he was pushing you to see if you would have sex. Remember, he doesn’t see anything wrong (deep down) with his behaviour. The fact that he has constantly tried to trample all over your boundaries since this new incident, shows you who he really is.

He may be a good father but he isn’t if he treats the mother of his children like this.

She's amazing @MyOtherProfile. I'm feeling better already.

I should have come to my mums when I started this thread. I feel so relieved, don't think any other word can describe it. And that's just being away from the house. Everything seems easier.
I've managed to eat and been out for a walk with my mum and Ds, so feeling much better in myself too.

He's phoned and text quite a bit today. He was very upset last night (although he did drive me here and was ok about it) and now he wants to 'talk' to me.

I'm glad you are at your mums and already feeling stronger. I remember moving into my house after I left my exh and the feeling of relief was immense. I felt able to breathe easily for the first time in a very long time. You won't be the first to be bringing up children as a single mum so take strength in that if others can, you will find your own way. Big hugs and go gently on yourself.

I honestly hadn't realised how stressed and tense I'd been feeling @minmooch. Probably what made me poorly as I'm rarely ill.
Had the best nights sleep last night though and I just feel so much calmer and nothing seems so scary now.

How old is he? You are so very young and have a long time to rebuild from this relationship.

Take time to process how you feel, I think your detachment from him shows that he has damaged your trust. I am not sure it can ever be repaired.

He's 29 @lifebegins50.
I agree, I'm just going to focus on Ds and the baby for now. My mum said we can stay here as long as I like.

I’d rather be a single parent than be in a controlling relationship. You already know this.

Now has he given you space or consistency texting. I’d block to be honest. Email only.

Ask for space for a week. No talk of your relationship only about the wee one. Then talk but only if you want to or in fact need to.

Mothers are not daft when it comes to their daughters. We have this sense that something isn’t right and we want to help. I’ve been there too with mine. I was right about her ex. He was so subtle too.

Good SW are like gold dust if you can stick at it. Families will thank you in your future.

I have asked for space @Dullardmullard and he's being ok in that regard, the odd message not about Ds but he's not blowing my phone up. He came last night to see Ds but my mum was here and she dealt with him, he's not brave enough to mess with my mum. When he was going she said "ok then, you can come see Ds on Wednesday night after work too" and basically closed the door on him. I'll speak to him at some point I know I need to but I can't be bothered right now, I'm busy sorting other stuff out though.

My mum had just had a request to reduce her hours approved (she hadn't told me about it till it was approved). So from September she'll be working three days. She says it's not because of this happening but she's been thinking for a while she'd like more time with her grandchildren and her and her partner are often busy at weekends so this is ideal for her. I honestly can't describe how happy and grateful I am that she's doing this.
I'm only returning to work three days and with holidays to use I'm hoping to get away with Ds just going to my mum for the time I'll be back before this second mat leave. She was already doing the summer holidays for me, minus one week I'm off anyway.
Going into work tomorrow to discuss things properly anyway.

I've got a solicitors appointment on Thursday and I'm seeing a mortgage advisor on Friday just to get a idea of my options going forward.

Busy week ahead, but I'm feeling much better. Had a lazy day with Ds yesterday with lots of cuddles and a little visit to my grandparents today where he got even more cuddles.

Thank you to everyone who posted for the advice and support. It's very difficult to see what someone is like when you're in the situation. I think it's taken people pulling up some of the things I thought of as 'small stuff' to really make me think.

I am glad you are feeling a bit more positive. It is not nice when the veil lifts and you see things for what they really are. Best of luck with everything. You will do grand xx

So you threw him out, took him back and are pregnant again?

Will he be financially supportive? Please say that you are in employment??

Sorry - just read your last post and see that you are working which is great
Hope all goes well with solicitor

Wasn't a planned pregnancy @Wildorchidz. I was exclusively breastfeeding and we used condoms. Hadn't even had a period so didn't find out until I was going for the coil fitting and the nurse said to do a test to be sure.
Anyway, that doesn't really matter can't do anything about it now.

He'll have to pay maintenance, if he's a dick about it I'll go straight through CMS. I know his earnings and employment details, got copies of his pay slips and P60 too.
I'm employed yes and going back in a few weeks so I'll get my second maternity pay/benefits. Then planning on going back 3 days when dd is 9 months, all being well.

Thank you @insecure123. I do feel much better still very unsure on a lot of things. But I'm just going to have to get on with it and deal with things has they arise.

I'm very lucky, I've got lots of supportive friends and family. We'll be ok, me and my babies and that's all that matters.

Well done @GirlOnIt.

Let your DM, deal with him whilst you have a little space.

KOKO

I am @Lahlahfizzyfizzydoda. She dealt with him when he came to see Ds again tonight. I went out with a friend while he was here.

A few messages from him today, saying I can move back home and he'll move out and a few asking if we can sort things out. I just replied that I'm happier staying here for now.

Your mum is ace !!
And apologies for the tone of my posts - I didn’t mean to sound so bitchy.