To think he's just a dickhead?

[GirlOnIt]

Recently I feel like I've woken up and I'm seeing the real Dp. I don't like it and I'm planning on leaving, he doesn't know that though.

I've got a good friend who's going through a crappy time and she's in our home town this week. I'd arranged to meet up tonight. Dp was definitely going to be home by 7, then 8!

Well where the fuck is he? He's making excuses that it's work, but it's bullshit and I know it. He's doing it because he can and so I don't go out, probably just sat in the pub all by his lonesome miserable little self. Dickhead and then he'll come home apologising and hoping to get it on.

Cross posted @Dullardmullard. But he's not actually gone on the full charm offensive no. He's very sorry but he's following what I'm asking at the moment.
I was quite honest yesterday though and told him I really wasn't sure if no matter what he does if I'd feel the same about him again.

You can’t suggest anything you can’t be the pilot here.

He has to do this himself if not it won’t work. His heart has to be in it. If not well you know the answer to that.

Actions speak louder than words

I have a girlfriend who tried to do the same with an abusive ex. For 6 months he was on his best behaviour, and then he moved back in. As soon as he was back in the house and feeling like he was in control the abuse started up again.

That's good re surnames OP.

Good luck.

I really think the key to this is to ask yourself what kind of relationship YOU want. Do you want to be genuinely happy with a man you feel that you're in a true partnership with, who YOU can grow as a person with, feel genuinely loved? Or do you want to spend your life working on a second-rate bloke, constantly in a low-level battle just to maintain normal non-abusive interactions? You'll end up despising him, if you don't already.

So he’s went for a deadline of 6 months.

Yup he’ll be on his best behaviour for those months, but watch for the change of tactic to worm himself back in quicker, as his methods are now not working like before. It’ll be slight to begin with but he’ll try it. Just like he did before.

Remember if it isn’t working you can end it for ANY reason.

I believe you would benefit from counselling to talk this all through with someone neutral.

I'm aware this could just be talk to get me to forgive him or he'll try it and be asking to move back in a few weeks.

Possibly, but it's just as likely that he genuinely wants to work on it, genuinely sees that he has a problem.

The trouble is, he's seen that before, you've been here before.

His abusive mentailty isn't 'what he sufers from', it's who he is.

I think you will keep going for quite a while before you break up, and when you do, it will be because things go quite disastrously wrong and he loses control in front of your child. This is absolutely the kind of man who will eventually hit you, and then be mortifed.

Not all abusers are black and white evil. That's what makes it so hard.

If you feel you need to keep going with it then you do what you have to do. I think you need a very clear plan though on what happens when you have baby 2. Because I think that that is definitely on his mind when suggesting this time apart - he knows, or thinks he knows, that when the baby arrives all bets will be off as you'll need him. I think if you make a clear plan and present it to him, and it doesn't involve him moving back in, he won't like it much. (And it absolutely shouldn't involve him moving back in - if anything, that's the time when you are going to need to keep him at arm's length a lot more).

.

I'm worrying about when the baby arrives @FizzyGreenWater. I realistically don't see how I'll do it on my own. I struggle being woken through the night and credit to Dp he's really good at getting up through the night, doing all nappy changing and then me just feeding and him taking over to settle back to sleep. Ds is only going to be just over one too, maybe not even walking.
Then there's money. He's said 6 months at his mates because after that we'll have to seriously look at our finances, we can't run two homes on his wage forever. So far he's not really expecting anything to change and I appreciate that. Plus it means I'm still saving my mat pay. But longer term it's not going to work. I'm due back to work at the start of school summer holidays as my mum will have Ds through holidays (she's a teacher). Then I'll be going on mat leave again in October.

Dp has said not to worry about the house and that there's no way he'll expect me and the Dc to move out, even if I do decide it's over. Of course that's what he's saying for now!

And he won't be able to take a newborn for visitation so he'll have to see her here. He had Ds one night and I found that hard and I think he's a bit too young for more than that, so he's coming here to see him a few nights through the week.

It's not like you split up and that's that, you never see them again.

I haven't decided anything though. Because I don't know. Think I might tell him to do the 6 month house share, just to give me time.

Could you go and stay with your mum/parents when the baby is born?

But yes realistically I think it's highly likely that he will move back when the baby is born and maybe that's just the way it will have to be.

And then at some point after your mat leave you will split up as he will slide back into low-level abuse and attempts to control, and you will be here again. However - not pregnant!

My mum has said she'll come stay for the first few weeks if I want @FizzyGreenWater. I could stay with her although it would be a bit of a squeeze and I'm not sure if it would be better for Ds to stay in his home, with a new baby and everything I want as much continuity as possible for him.

I really don't know. I can't really imagine us moving forward from this, but I can't imagine not being with him either. Even before Ds I always imagined us getting married and having Dc. He was always so solid and reliable the kind of guy you plan kids and a family with not like the guys I dated before him. I honestly would have trusted him with anything he was always such a supportive partner. I don't know what's happened or how we've ended up here, I really don't. My mum and friends can't understand it either, they're honestly so shocked and my mums no fool when it comes to men she doesn't stand for any bullshit.
He was pretty much the perfect boyfriend though.

If we were to split up, would it be easier now while I'm pregnant but on reduced pay or next year when I'll have two Dc but will be back at work?

Why wait it will get harder? I left while on mat leave, I had to apply for tax credits and things but I much prefer that then putting up with controlling abuse!

Probably easier now as you will just be free to 'be there' without work in the way, yes financially very hard but perhaps just logistically easier?

I think that letting him know that you plan for your mum to stay when the baby is born - ie he WON'T be back in the house - it will be very informative to see his reaction to that.

Time to leave OP :)

I think leaving while you're pregnant makes more sense. You'll have had time to adjust and settle into a routine of your own before the birth. If you put it off until the baby is born, then he'll have time to minimise his behaviour and suck you back in, and you'll be so busy with the new baby you won't have headroom to leave or defend your boundaries.

I'm going back to work in the summer though until next mat leave @FizzyGreenWater and definitely need to do that or I won't get mat pay and once my mum is back at work I'm going to be relying on his parents one day for childcare and nursery two days but the plan was for him to collect from nursery.
I can't keep the house on just my mat pay or part time wage either, unless he's very generous with maintenance or his share of the equity.

I'm screwed. Legal maintenance amount is utterly crap!

OP - there are many posters on here who offer great advice however a lot of the time the same posters insist this man will never change. Despite saying you’ve never felt scared, I don’t understand how any poster can come on here and tell you this man will start hitting you. No matter what you say you’ll be told your minimising. The first time you say something slightly positive about him you’ll be told you’re defending him. A lot of the time you cannot win on here.

Only you know him. Yes people offer great advice at times but they forget that this is real life for you. They probably don’t give a second thought to your situation after they close the page yet you have to live with the consequences of whatever decision you make.

All I would say is take it day by day. Rather than say “I’ll see how I feel in 3 months time”, just go off his behaviour and base your decisions on that aswell as your own feelings

Ok I actually think I might get a bit more in tax credits than I thought, especially towards childcare.
Had a good talk and cry with my mum last night. I'm going to speak to him about making a split more official in particular in terms of money, the house and all that. I think his reaction and how he deals with that will be quite telling.

Abusive personalities should not be excused because someone is insecure. His insecurity, anxiety & depression don’t mean he is different to other abusive men. I also think you are deluded & any man who is abusive is capable of getting physical if pushed to the emotional brink.

Also it sounds like you settled for him. He clearly isn’t as exciting, sexy & interesting as your previous boyfriends & you settled for him as he was a stable guy. He probably feels insecure because deep down he knows you aren’t madly in love with him & never were. You dont

You don’t sound very in love with him. You talk a lot about needing him financially & for child minding. Just admit it that you aren’t in love with him & this relationship is bound together because you decided to have kids with him.

I think it's the way I'm coming across @prawnsword. When I'm upset/dealing with something I cope by dealing with the practical stuff that can be resolved. It's just how I am.
But I do love him very much. He's the first partner I've ever really fully let my guard down with and felt really in love with.

Been to see a solicitor today just so I've a idea of the legal stuff and they have my details incase I need to take action regarding contact. So that's good and I feel better. Someone mentioned counselling and we can get it through work so I've spoken to work and put in a request for that.

Dp is being lovely and sticking to what we've agreed. He's made an appointment next week to speak to someone.
I'm not sure what to do about Sunday, he's asked if he can stay here tomorrow night (spare room) so he can wake up with Ds on Father's Day and if we can spend the day together.

So he's wheedling his way back in already. I'd tell him no, he can pick him up in the morning. If you were divorced he wouldn't be sleeping over.