To think he's just a dickhead?

[GirlOnIt]

Recently I feel like I've woken up and I'm seeing the real Dp. I don't like it and I'm planning on leaving, he doesn't know that though.

I've got a good friend who's going through a crappy time and she's in our home town this week. I'd arranged to meet up tonight. Dp was definitely going to be home by 7, then 8!

Well where the fuck is he? He's making excuses that it's work, but it's bullshit and I know it. He's doing it because he can and so I don't go out, probably just sat in the pub all by his lonesome miserable little self. Dickhead and then he'll come home apologising and hoping to get it on.

That's good to hear, I thought the counselling was for the two of you, but it's good to hear.

Bluntness can speak for themselves, but I guess they mean that you've asked him to leave before too, and this time, and a few times said it's not going to work, he's not someone you thought he was and such.
It's a pattern of constant poor behaviour from him in different guises.

I do agree with your post @Bluntness100 and I know it's not a healthy relationship right now. But we've both agreed that it's not and he's admitted that his behaviour is not on.

I guess I just think or hope that he can change. I know that sounds naive and typical of women in abusive situations.
But we had five years before Ds and he wasn't like this then. It's so hard to explain but he's always been so supportive, even in ways that weren't best for him or our relationship.

I don't feel I'm making myself more vulnerable if we try right now. If anything it gives me more time to save money and the dc get older and so easier for him to have overnight contacts.
That's not the reason I'm staying with him though, it's just some of pros I've thought of when I've thought it through.

OP you have to do what you feel is best though it is very worrying. You know our situation best.

I am not saying this to cause more confusion but please be very careful about him transferring you money, some of which is "joint" or "his" I am afraid it is not as straightforward as this. There will still be a trail that at one point it was contained in a joint account or belonged to him. If things turn sour it is not always as straightforward as "well it is in my account so he can't touch it"

Also be mindful this could very well be used against you in future - as someone who has been there please tread carefully. It's amazing how suddenly this situation can become "you are so abusive/manipulative making me give you your mooney" "Oh she is financially abusive she made me transfer this money to her" "Look how good a partner I was putting all this money over to her name for her to then finish with me"(when he messes up again)

He sounds abusive, controlling and manipulative and based on what I have read and experienced myself, I would not put it past him to be using this financial move to his advantage to pull out in the future.

I'm going to go against most opinion on here and say that I think you're doing the right thing. He has been very reasonable since the crisis point and is doing everything right. It doesn't sound like it's ultra calculated with a view to reeling you back in, it sounds like a man who's trying to make a go of it.

Obviously if things go bad again you still have the option of splitting up and hopefully you will be in a better position to do so with the savings etc.

Good luck OP, remember you just have to do what's right for you and the babies. You don't have to please all of mumsnet. But keep your bullshit radar active, won't you?

I'm going to run it through my solicitor anyway @insecure123. If I decide that's what we're doing.
I'm still a bit unsure, feel like a bit of a bitch and that I'm messing him about. But I'm really not sure what I want.

Thank you @Mitzimaybe

You know I feel like I'm splitting in two! I haven't a clue what to do and I can't stop crying.
Sorry for off loading on here, but I've got my mum saying don't take him back, his mum saying he's really sorry and she thinks he's prepared to work at it. One friend saying get rid another saying I'd be stupid to end things.

I just feel like I'm going in circles and I don't know what I want. Not what's best for the Dc but what's best for me. I really don't know.

Spoke to my grandparents today and they're old school and they both said relationships take work especially after kids arrive and I thought they were saying try sort it out. Then my grandma said, but sometimes all the will in the world won't make the slightest difference and that got me wondering if that's going to be the case with us. We might both really want it to work but what if it never really will.

I think you need some time, just you on your own. Don't rush things, sometimes when everything is making a noise in your head the best thing to do is just ignore everything and then you'll know what to do in a quieter moment.

Don't listen to his mother, she shouldn't be having any say in this. Of course she will advocate for her son, and say he'll do anything, that's what mothers are like, especially of their sons, and to be honest, she should be leaving you alone or only offering support for you and your DS.

Listen to you mum, she knows the full story, doesn't she? Ask her for more advice with everything laid out for her. She knows what he's really been putting you through.

His mum is lovely and very supportive @womenspeakout. But yes she's his mum and she sees the good in him. She was just saying that she thinks he's really prepared to try.
Yes, my mum knows it all. We've spoke a few times but my mums angry with him so she's not very impartial.

I'm not feeling too well at the moment so he's was here a fair bit yesterday and today to help with Ds. I just got a bit snappy when Ds went to bed and asked him to leave. I just feel he's trying to be too super nice and attentive and it's annoying me. Probably just because I'm not well but I think I've upset him a bit.

Yes, his mum may be lovely, but she'll always argue for him.

Your mum may not be impartial, but she loves you and knows your worth, she also knows how he treated you. Believe me, mums will sometimes say if things are worth fighting for, but she knows what he's done and also what it's doing to you, your MH must have taken a real hit from all the crap he's been doing since you've had a baby (already hard on your MH).

Of course he's trying super hard to be nice now, especially as you are vulnerable and not well, he'll see it as an easy way to swiftly move back in if you need help.

I know my mums thinking of what's best for me @womenspeakout.
We're had a weird few days, I've been really unwell ended up with severe tonsillitis.
He's been staying here to look after Ds because honestly I wouldn't have been able to. We obviously haven't spoken more or anything though, mostly because I can't!

It's felt really odd l was in the bath last night and he came into the bathroom with Ds and I felt uncomfortable. It's not like he's not seen me in the bath before and that's not something that's bothered me before, but i don't know, just didn't feel right.

Right now, I just need to get better so I'm not really thinking about what I'm going to do after that.

You have disengaged from him, that's why it felt uncomfortable.

Get well soon! The tonsillitis will be a reaction to all the stress. Do whatever you need to, to get better, then re-evaluate.

I think you're right @Mitzimaybe. He's been perfect these last few days but I just don't want him near me. He's stayed in the spare room and I know he's a bit upset about that, but I don't care.

Maybe because I'm poorly. But I usually want cuddles and looking after when I'm not well and he's just annoying me.
Think antibiotics are starting to have a effect though, I'm not feeling as bad today.

I think some individual counselling will really help you. And tbh I wouldn’t even tell him your going.
Do not, not go because of any reasons. Make it a priority. It’s so important.

Lots of people live with all kinds of abusive behaviour all of their lives. At least talk to someone totally impartial about everything so you can at least be more clear going forward one way or another.

(And FYI the heating thing was awful. If it was just a new toy and he was concerned about cost, why couldn’t he just text you and say “sweetie are you at home, if not I’ll turn the heating down, if that’s ok with you?)

Spare room or not, he is slowly wheedling his way back in and waiting for you to cave in. Him walking into the bathroom when you were naked really made me angry, I know he is used to seeing you naked but to assume you would be fine with it in the present situation comes across as disrespectful. Clever really as he had dc with him so you would be less likely kick off in front them. He is a selfish twat and cannot be trusted, sorry but I'm with your mum.

I'm getting counselling through work @Justbreathing.

I should have been clearer @Ruddygreattiger2016. He did knock on the bathroom door and I said he could come in. We never just walk in on each other anyway, we don't have a lock on the bathroom door upstairs, do on the guest toilet down but never found one that fit or worked on the upstairs bathroom.
It was when he came in and he sat down on the toilet to talk to me (lid, he wasn't using the toilet 🤢). I just felt uncomfortable, he left when I asked him to.

He's not doing anything wrong at the moment he's really not. But it's changed things. I used to love how he'd take such good care of me when I was poorly, now I'm thinking I bet he's loving me being sick so I'm vulnerable and he can fuss over me. The things I saw as good positive parts of our relationship have changed and I'm just not seeing him in the same way.

He has asked if he can come to bed with me, I said no and he said "not for sex or anything, although I do think think if we got back to normal in that respect it might help".
Bearing in mind I'm poorly and pregnant! The last thing I'm feeling like is sex.
I said if you think sex is going to make things better you must think your a lot better at it than you really are.
He hasn't mentioned getting out of the spare room again.

So he’s already pushing at your boundaries.

Can you not see that his behaviour over the heating, your friends staying over and also the recent incident is not that of a nice man. He’s upping the anti and now wants sex even though you are unwell and heavily pregnant.....

What would you advise a women to do if they said this is how their partner/husband behaved in your capacity as a social worker?

@Girl l would ask him to leave and ask your mum to come and stay whilst you are unwell.

He has asked if he can come to bed with me, I said no and he said "not for sex or anything, although I do think think if we got back to normal in that respect it might help".

He really has no respect for you or your boundaries.

He's wormed his way back to the house, first by the excuse of Father's Day, then with you being ill, in the spare room, then he wants back to the bed, and sex.

I can't believe you're ill and pregnant and you've asked him to leave, but he's pushing like this.

Your title is right, he's just a dickhead.

He wasn't wanting sex like as in right now @Lahlahfizzyfizzydoda and @womenspeakout. He still thinks we're at the stage where I'm thinking we'll try again, only I'm not so sure now. Just haven't spoken to him because I've felt so poorly, so he doesn't actually know I'm waiving on that.

I think he knows I'm not as connected to him and that only seems to be getting worse. Sex has always been a very good part of our relationship so I think he's hoping if we resumed normal intimacy it would help. Only it's quite the opposite for women in general I think, sex is good when the connection is already there and good. Sex with him now wouldn't be any good even if I was up for it, because the rest isn't there.

I'm not sure I'm making sense, I'm a bit foggy. But I'm not sure there's anything he can do now that's going to make me the feel the same way about him. I do believe he's trying even if it's quite clumsy. But it's not making me think aw, I love him. It's making me think just shut up you fucking idiot.
Even if he never does a thing wrong again, he's not the man I thought he was and it's made me question so many parts of our relationship. I'm not sure I love him like I did and I'm not sure I'm attracted to him like I used to be.

I know my own counselling will help somewhat with how I'm feeling. I'm just unsure what to do in the meantime.

My mum can't stay @Lahlahfizzyfizzydoda. It's too far for her to get to work and it's not fair on her or her partner. She's already cancelled one of their holidays in the school holidays so she can have ds for me, so I can get back to work and not pay childcare.

Dp is a good dad, he's been great with Ds. He's out now with him at the park. But he does the sensible stuff too, washing, ironing doing the food shopping. I know he's on his best behaviour right now, but he's always done these stuff. He is very hands on with the baby and house work etc.

I think the best thing is going to be to separate but properly. I know that's going to probably mean selling the house and me renting with the Dc. I'm not sure how to broach it with him and it all feels so unfair!

I'm going to be the one stuck in a rented house with two dc. No way of saving enough to buy. I'm only 25, I didn't even want Dc for a long time yet and I'm the one who's going to be doing the majority of it. He'll probably move on and be seeing someone else in a few months where as that's not going to be possible for me.

I know I sound pathetic and love my Ds like nothing else and wouldn't be without him and I know I'll feel exactly the same way about dd when she arrives. None of it is what I imagined my life being like though for me or then and that makes me sad!

I should have married him when he offered when I was pregnant with Ds! I might have been able to keep the house then as we've a decent amount of equity and marriage might have meant I got a bigger share.

Maybe I should marry him then leave him! (Don't worry that's just a joke, probably quite a poor one but I'm feeling 😒)

On the bright side, you are only 25. You'll still be reasonably young when the kids are independent. Things aren't going to plan, but time is on your side.