To think he's just a dickhead?

[GirlOnIt]

Recently I feel like I've woken up and I'm seeing the real Dp. I don't like it and I'm planning on leaving, he doesn't know that though.

I've got a good friend who's going through a crappy time and she's in our home town this week. I'd arranged to meet up tonight. Dp was definitely going to be home by 7, then 8!

Well where the fuck is he? He's making excuses that it's work, but it's bullshit and I know it. He's doing it because he can and so I don't go out, probably just sat in the pub all by his lonesome miserable little self. Dickhead and then he'll come home apologising and hoping to get it on.

OP you're doing really well in tough circumstances.

No he wouldn't @mmmhazelnutchocolate. But I've not decided what to do yet so we aren't actually split up at the moment we're still in a relationship. I'm aware that's a little unfair as I'm kinda keeping my options open in regards to what I want at the moment.

You say keeping options open, he sees that as weakness

He’s only doing the absolute bare minimum and using all the emotional blackmail to get you to drop this nonsense of wanting to be treated with basic respect and kindness

Get him out of your home ASAP

There is no future in this relationship- unless you count abject misery as your goal in life

He is out of the house @MzHz. But it's our house not mine, he's as much right to it as I do. He's moved out willingly but he doesn't have to stay out if he doesn't want to.

I don't think he's doing the bare minimum at all, I can't think of anything else he could be doing actually.
My worry comes from not being sure how genuine what he's doing is.
Is he doing because he's realised he was wrong and he wants to change or just so I'll forgive him. He's saying the first but I honestly think only time will tell if that's true.
And it's that I'm so unsure on.

I don't know what to say really.

If it were me he wouldn't be staying over, he's not living there any more, if he were really respecting you and your position right now, he shouldn't be considering staying over.

I agree it's a way to get back in, using the emotional side of what day it is to catch you in a weaker position.

You see I see it from his side though @womenspeakout. He's not got his own place he's staying at his parents in what was his bedroom but is now the spare room. He can't take Ds their tonight as his grandparents are staying so he'd be on the sofa and this is still his house, he's got most of his stuff here and comes a few times a week to see Ds here.

I've said he can, it's his first Father's Day and he made my first Mother's Day special so I owe him that.

I need to make a decision about what I want to do more long term. I know that but I just don't know. It's really not fair expecting him to stay with his parents though, not long term.

So him staying tonight might be a good thing because I think we need a really good talk about a lot of things anyway and I'm exhausted so he can do the night wakings. It's no help him taking Ds for that, because I then can't sleep worrying that he's ok, at least if he's here I know he'd get me if he won't take the bottle. He's not been very well and off his food so he's wanting to bf more. Which means I haven't expressed as much but he's also been a bit reluctant with the bottle, I think because he's poorly but also because he's not having it as often with Dp not here every night. I never give him a bottle because that seems pointless when I've got the boobs. So he's only haveing one the few nights Dp comes to put him to bed.

so I owe him that.

You don't really. He could come in the morning, you don't owe him anything right now. I don't think he should have even put you in this position of having to turn him down and then feel guilty about, if he was giving you space, he should respect that and give you the space you asked for.

It would be fine for him to stay where he is, there's no problem sleeping at his parents, but he's laid it on with that he doesn't have a bed etc.

He's not really respecting what you asked for here, already.

He is showing you who he is.

The second you let him have an inch he’ll know how far to push you

This is not the end of his poor treatment of you, it’s not even the beginning - it’s just that it’s ramped up to a place where you’ve actually noticed what he’s up to

You said it yourself, you’ve seen a new side to him and you don’t like it

The only chance you have of getting out of this is to go absolutely zero tolerance, show him exactly what he’s losing by treating you like this and you have to have the support of all your family and his against his poor behaviour and then and only then he may consider changing his behaviour

This is one chance for you to fix this, by showing him what he’s about to lose

That advice comes from Lundy Bancroft’s book Why Does He Do That? Have a look online, fairly sure there is a pdf floating about that will describe those who start treating you like this when you’re vulnerable

You know what you need to do, you give advice out to other vulnerable woman all the time. If they can do it, so can you.

you hadn’t noticed he was abusive in March you do now.

It’s Father’s Day yup but he isn’t your father

I’d ask him why the need to stay over night and what happened to the room he was getting?

He didn't so much as ask to stay @womenspeakout, it was more as we were talking about it that it came up. Anyway, he did stay and we did have a good talk.

Plus I was able to get a full nights sleep which was much needed.

He can still get the room @Dullardmullard. I'm the one who's been unsure of that though.

I know it's going to be very unpopular on here. But I think I'm going to let him move back in.
I feel like I need us to try and I'm not going to know if he's really changed if he's not actually here and living with us. We talked through everything last night and I told him if I agree to this (I haven't said yes yet). That any controlling behaviour even the once, even one small thing and that's it, it's over and for good.
I need to know if he can stop himself and control himself, in the everyday.

I have my own money and I have family and friends to go to. He's agreed that the money he'd be paying to rent a room he'll transfer into my savings account so I'll be building up more money if we do eventually split. He's said he'll transfer the joint savings to my name but I feel a bit bad about that, it's supposed to be our wedding money but he's saved the most of it himself. But he said last night he doesn't want money to be the reason I stay with him, that he'll never let me and the Dc go without despite our relationship status and he'd never expect me to move out of the the house.

He says all the nice things now regarding the house and savings etc but when people get angry it can all change. Don't rely on that money and like you said save as much as you can if your own money. Only you know what's right for your family but most leopards never change there spots.

He might be all nice for a few months and slip back to old ways remember that. Good luck OP.

I'm aware of that @blushmelikeyou. But it would definitely be the end of things if he does.
That's why he's offering the joint savings to reassure me. I think because we aren't married once he puts it into my account he won't be able to have a claim to it. Although I'll check that with the solicitors.

I think you might do better if you reversed everything he said and your post . So;

There has been controlling behaviour. There will be more but you are prepared to listen to him rather than exercise your own independent judgment

There will be controlling behaviour and it will be small. You will forgive it for the same reasons as before. It is small and actually happening now as you talk to him

He will pay you money to buy you off. You feel bad because deep down you know he is doing this. It also means that if he does do something controlling, he can point to the money. If you say you don’t want it, then he can keep what he thinks of as his anyway

He will never let you go - despite relationship status? A threat. A man who says this with your relationship style is not being romantic.

If you attempt to leave after you see through him, he will make sure you are out of the house immediately

You really need to think who benefits from this arrangement. It looks like it suits him much better to be around and mess with your head for least resistance in the future, while he will, after a certain interval, do as he likes.

He’s still basically controlling you - but refashioning how he does it.

I'm not sure I get all of your post @LexMitior.
He can't make me leave the house anymore than I can make him leave, it's a joint property.
He can't point to the money because if it's in my account it will be mine and he won't even know what's on there. I mentioned last night that money and the house concerned me moving forward, he was responding to something I said and offering solutions.
If I've got all the joint savings plus my own, I'd probably be able to buy him out of the house outright or with a very small amount adding to the mortgage. Me having that money will make it much easier for me to get him out of the house permanently if I feel I need to.

The only benefit he's getting is me giving him another chance. All the practical things we discussed benefit me and the Dc.

Well, let his actions match his words.

If he takes his time getting round to transferring you the savings, are you going to be confident to ask him for them?

You've got to do what you've got to do. If you feel you need to give it another go, then that's what you've got to do.

As someone said, it could take you years to get to where you've got to get to to see it all.
Everybody's always here for support. He's no doubt going to be on good behaviour for a while, and then do something else and you'll need to vent, and people will be here again.

Can I just just suggest something though. Go to counselling on your own too. Get someone there for you and to help you going forwards. There will be rough times coming up, he started this after your first baby, when the next one comes, it'll possibly mirror the same situation, plus you may feel even more stranded with two little ones you're responsible for. Get someone for you too, it's not just about his mental health, it's yours too.

I don't really understand op. I wonder if you do. This is at least the second time you've chucked him out for this type of behaviour. Why do you keep taking him back? When you know he behaves for a while. Then he does it again, you chuck him out, pretend it's over, then take him back again? It's like a game you're both playing.

Do you understand why?

Do you understand why?

I've never said it's over @Bluntness100. I've just asked him to leave so I can think about what I want with some space between us.
When I actually think about us separating properly, selling the house sorting out contact for Ds and all that. That's when reality hits and I think about what I'm actually giving up.

At the moment I think if he can control his controlling ways, I'll be happier with him than without. I think that's worth a try.
So that's my 'why'.

He's not moving back in until he's sorted out the money things we've discussed and a few other things @category12.

I have requested counselling through work @womenspeakout. Just waiting to hear back.

He is controlling, that is what he will always be.

Write him off and move on

100% you’ll be happier without him

Once you’ve processed the loss. It takes time, but you’re worth that

Oh, I'll be leaving him. I've never said it's over

Op, you're apparantly a social worker but can't recognise the own cycle you're in. He treats you badly. You punish him by kicking him out. He pretends he will behave for awhile. You let him back. He reverts to the old behaviour and escalates it. You kick him out again. He pretends again. You let him back again.

Now you're even going to have a second child with him, making you even more trapped and reliant on him for rhe foreseeable future, and you both know it.

One day you're going to look back and regret your decisions. I'm sorry. He simply going to get worse and worse. And I think deep down you know it, but life is easier financially if you're with him, so for this you will stay and take it. With when it gets too bad the game of kicking him out, except there will come a time he won't go.