To think he's just a dickhead?

[GirlOnIt]

Recently I feel like I've woken up and I'm seeing the real Dp. I don't like it and I'm planning on leaving, he doesn't know that though.

I've got a good friend who's going through a crappy time and she's in our home town this week. I'd arranged to meet up tonight. Dp was definitely going to be home by 7, then 8!

Well where the fuck is he? He's making excuses that it's work, but it's bullshit and I know it. He's doing it because he can and so I don't go out, probably just sat in the pub all by his lonesome miserable little self. Dickhead and then he'll come home apologising and hoping to get it on.

Also OP I just read your thread about his proposing to you. Are you actually going to marry him?

Does he keep the house at 18 degrees when he is home?

Yes he would @category12 he's very rarely cold. But 18° is what we agreed on leaving it set when we go to bed or go out. He thought I was out or in bed and had left it on as it was showing being 24/25°. Only I was in the kitchen/dining room so had turned it up because that room is colder. To be fair to him on the heating he did keep saying I should take it with me into the room I'm in and at bedtime take it upstairs so we know how warm the bedroom is for Ds. He's never left us without heating or without me being able to turn it back up. I think people are reading into that post wrong, it was a new things and he was constantly looking at it because it was new and he could. We went shopping one day and he turned it up before we set off home so the house would be nice and warm when we got in, it wasn't freezing or anything he did it because he could and it was a new toy. He forgets he's even got it now.

If he's in the house with Ds he'll put the heating on at least 22°. Because he knows Ds likes to be on the floor and he worries that he'll be cold (he never stays on his mat now he's more mobile and we've got wooden floors). Sometimes even I've said it's not needed on but he still has for that reason.
So he's not super tight with it or anything and definitely wouldn't want us to be cold.

Well, best of luck

He's not insecure. He's abusive and controlling. You have a responsibility to protect your children from this.

@womenspeakout. I've sent you a PM in regards to what you asked about in your earlier post. I hope that's ok x

Oh jeez I feel like I could be reading posts from myself from a few years back when I was making every excuse under the sun for a controlling man and convincing myself that all the "good points" outweigh the bad.

I wish you all the best OP. People in these situations don't leave until they are ready regardless. I am sure (and hope) that in time you will find the strength or whatever it is you need to leave this man.

If you ever need someone to talk to then you are welcome to PM me. take care xxx

He turned the heating down on purpose- you know this. These insignificant little men will do the most minuscule thing to show you they are in control and the flashes of nice are to throw you off the scent

He is abusing you and your child(ren) he hasn’t hit you- yet, it will escalate, it always does

Just as you see it in your line of work, it will unfold in your personal life. There is no way it can’t because it’s ALWAYS the same

There is an abusers script and he is following it to a T.

Focus on one thing and one thing only - keeping him OUT of your lives.

By fair means or foul if you have to, because your lives could very well depend on it.

If you don't mind me asking @insecure123 and @MzHz. Which of the things I've posted about did you think sounded the worst or the more worrying? Probably not the right words as such, but I guess I'm wondering which things you saw as the red flags do to speak.

If you don't mind me asking @insecure123 and @MzHz. Which of the things I've posted about did you think sounded the worst or the more worrying? Probably not the right words as such, but I guess I'm wondering which things you saw as the red flags do to speak.

I don't mind at all. I really just want to help you if I can. TBH most of it does but what really struck a chord with me was you saying that he tells you "it's be cause he loves you so much" That, sadly, is practically on a written script for abusers. I have ben in the same position and it absolutely did eventually escalate to violence (of course it doesn't in all situations) I made all the excuses for him similar to the things you are saying until one day I woke up and realised. It had gone so far and ended up in court, lives got disrupted it was awful. However I should say we didn't have children and I owned my own home so we didn't have those additional complications.

My ex also would find convenient ways to keep me away from social events "have to work late can you stay and watch the dog" "not feeling well" "Oh we need to leave your best friend's wedding because I suddenly can't be in crowded rooms" "Oh you can't go to your Brother's event because I forgot about it" etc etc That in itself is worrying to me.

The heating this is also a concern. This could be a genuine "we need to save money" scenario but as part of a bigger picture (apologies but I did look back over your threads and I can see a pattern) it just shouts control to me! Staying out so you can't go out, staying out all night when you are in with your baby, going out regularly with his friends, controlling the temperature, telling you it is because he loves you so much etc etc - all screams control, coercion, abuse to me

We only know one side of course and you know your situation better than anyone on here but what you are posting is concerning (and very familiar) to me. I would put money on it that your parents AND your friends have serious concerns about this man - but like men were will be on eggshells about approaching it because they know you will defend him and it could drive you even further away from a support network, I am sorry I do not want to upset you and as I said only you know you're situation fully. But I do think you need to be careful

Hi op and congrats on finding out your expecting a daughter (I'm glad you decided to carry on with your pregnancy)
I think you need to think everything through....your partner doesn't sound like a bad guy,partner or father to me....perhaps childish? it was out of order of him to make you miss your night out with a pal especially if done on purpose but do you really think the relationships that last 30+years have never had problems/issues? of course they have....if every woman posted the annoying,out of order,irritating or damn right childish things their partners had done then they would all be branded abusive? and when men vent about their partners/wives we are all classed as phsycotic! lol what I'm trying to say is venting is good....I'm also aware that your hormones are all over the place as are mine (I'm nearly 15wks pregnant) but don't jump to conclusions based on others opinions or previous experiences! you will be tied to each other for a long time because you have children so if a split is going to happen then it's got to be done sensibly and amicably for their sakes. I would perhaps give it another go....it doesnt sound unfixable,you obviously love each other and are both in the hardest years with lots of pressure....finances,child and a pregnancy! see what happens once new baby is here and weather things improve? wishing you best of luck for future

@lovebeingamum, have you read the OP's previous threads with the behaviour he's exhibited previously? Screaming and calling her friends cunts to their faces etc?

And what does the weather improving have to do with anything?

Hi OP. Your partner is most definitely abusive and controlling. You will gradually change your behaviour because the fall out isn't worth it. It'll be easier to just not go out than go through the stress of waiting for him or him suspecting God knows what. You'll stop seeing your friends in case he embarrasses you and you don't want to admit to your friends how bad he really is.

Your children will be very damaged by what they're witnessing and it will affect them adversely when they go on to have relationships too. He's brainwashed you and you're completely minimising everything. You cannot change your behaviour to make him trust you because you're not doing anything wrong.

I'm 2 years out of my relationship with my controlling and jealous, emotionally and financially abusive ex. I tried to make it work for many years but not once did I think his behaviour was right. I stayed for the children. More because I couldn't trust him to look after the children properly (as in strap them in the car properly, make sure they were safe etc ).

2 years on, I can't tell you how emotionally relaxing it is not to live with an abusive man. It is so lovely to be able to go out or to the gym or on a business trip without it being a drama. To make my own decisions about my home and what to buy etc.

@womanspeakout
hi... I havnt read her previous threads only what she's posted on here? so my opinion is only based on him staying late at work and making her miss her night out? (not sure how to see op previous threads) sorry wether....although
the weather always plays a big part in these things

@lovesbeingamum i think you maybe should read OPs previous threads and see if you still agree with your previous post

Having the attitude that you describe in it is exactly what keeps so many people in these abusive and toxic relationships until they are completely blind to what is going on.

I work in the domestic violence sector. The way you are describing your partner's behaviour is very similar to my ex husband's behaviour (which, btw, is the reason I now work in the domestic violence sector).

Not all abusers are 'out there' with their abuse, as I've no doubt you know. Sometimes it's hard to see how behaviour is controlling as you wonder how you are being controlled by something like him turning the heating down. Of course him turning the heating down is not a way to control your behaviour. What it shows, though, is that he is approaching the relationship in terms of a hierarchy; his rules are what need to be followed. Not every abuser is going to enforce the rules in an aggressive way; some are going to be much more sneaky about it, and may even take pleasure in duping you, or exerting the situation to be the way they want it without you realising.

My ex would just crack on and do what he wanted to do, with the surity and assumption that he was in charge. He didn't need to express this overtly, he just did it. The heating was one of those things in our house too; ours had to be set at 17 as it is the cheapest setting. Now this, of course, seems fair enough, until you consider that while the heating was set at 17, he was at work in a toasty warm office while I was at home under blankets with DC. When he got home, of course the temperature was set differently. He wasn't controlling me, but I WAS a second-class citizen in my own home.

And this was indicative of how he saw me in general, and how he felt he was entitled to behave towards me. I remember him going out and not returning until way past the agreed time also. And he'd say that if I asked for something in the relationship, I wouldn't get it. I had to wait for it to be given.

I always said he would never physically hurt me. It took me a long time to work out that he did, but like the rest of his abuse it was sneaky. Accidentally knocking me round the head when he was reaching for something, or accidentally shoving me out of the way when he was going somewhere. Accidentally throwing away or destroying my things because he was "clumsy". Things like that.

He wasn't awful all the time, of course he wasn't, and it was hard to pinpoint if he meant it or not, but there were definite patterns. Lundy Bancroft says not to look at the behaviour as a whole, but to look at the behaviour while they're being abusive. All abusers are nice sometimes. Often lovely. But when they feel usurped in some way they will assert themselves. In an equal partnership this is not on.

It's a good idea to call Women's Aid because they can log the call (which can be useful for evidence if you need to apply for legal aid at any stage) and also because they can help you stay in the relationship in a safe way if that's what you choose to do.

@insecure123
how can I see her previous threads please? I was basing my opinion on this post....her husband staying late at work and making her miss her night out....I've obviously missed something if she's posted more about her partner than what I've read here?

If you click on "advanced search" then there is a box where you can enter her username. Select "all thread titles" I think it was. That should bring them all up :)

if every woman posted the annoying,out of order,irritating or damn right childish things their partners had done then they would all be branded abusive?

It's interesting you say this, as it's what my ex said. "If you look at the list of abusive behaviour these organisations produce, then EVERYONE is abusive", is precisely what he said to me once. At the time I thought he had a point. But having also been in non abusive relationships, I know that it's just not true. In any case, abuse is a pattern of behaviour, not a one off occurrence. It's a pattern of behaviour that reveals the way in which one partner does not see the other as an equal.

@Insecure123
Thankyou I didn't realise you could do that and there would be so many other posts.....I can now understand alot of the comments! I was just commenting of what I had heard on this post alone but obviously there is lots more going on in this relationship!
@greypaw
hi.....I was commenting on this post alone as had no idea op had lots of previous threads!

I've looked at your other threads. I think your title to this one sums it up, really. He's just a dickhead.

Not horrifically abusive, but yes too immature and unintelligent to be a good partner, and with a big unpleasant streak which makes him controlling and not, overall, a good person to be in a relationship with.

I think the difference as you see it between your situation and that of someone else you see in a relationship with a man with abusive tendencies is that you think 'But I'm very strong and have the tools to handle it so for me, it's worth making the effort to keep him reined in because he is actually controllable and that means I keep the family together, etc.'

You're probably right really. Especially as you are earning and have his wider family 'on side' so to speak.

However I don't think it will get better. You can see the 'cycle' from your posting history. Back in February was his last big jealous controlling blow out, and your thread title was 'no coming back from this' or similar. Here you are again in June. His resentment builds up until something like this happens. It will happen again and again. He is abusive, just because he's also weak, has some self awareness and is also fairly kind and ok overall doesn't make that better.

The thing I think that will really make you see it, and see that actually that abusive controlling streak cannot be managed long term, will be his parenting as your children get bigger. The lack of control he has with you and your relationship, he will be the same with them. They will witness the screaming in people's faces. They will see the arguments and his inability to be a reasonable, measured person. You will see that they are watching and learning from him. Not good.

Also, it's exhausting, surely. This is the kind of situation where you could literally battle for years to try and make him normal and loving and finally give up, spend six months with someone who isn't abusive and just think, why the fuck did I waste all that time with that stupid, stupid venous childish dickhead?

I always say this on these threads - you aren't married, this new baby - give her your surname (yes, especially if your DS has his surname). When (when!) you split, one thing he will use to try and keep control is not letting you add your surname or use yours, if that ever comes up. However, if you give this baby your surname then when you split, if you need to, you will at least be able to say, we will now double barrel both - fair exchange! Really bear this in mind - SO MANY people both on here and in RL I have seen it really come up as a major issue post-split.

OP you're defending your dp about the heating thing but something must have bothered you enough at the time for you to post about it?

Regarding your dp's bad points, I couldn't say any of that about my DH, literally not one thing. My abusive exH, however, shares many of your dp's traits. I had nhs-referred counselling for depression towards the end of our relationship and I was genuinely gobsmacked when the counsellor suggested I contact women's aid. I honestly couldn't get my head round the fact that things were so bad, with hindsight it was because my references as to what was normal behaviour had gradually shifted further and further during the course of my relationship. I look back now and think wtf was I thinking? But at the time it was my normal so only the most extreme behaviour stood out to me if that makes sense. The rest was death by 1000 cuts masked by the good but just normal/everyday stuff to anyone else times.

how are things now?

Are you still separated?

have you made a decision on what you'd like to happen now?

"I'm honestly a bit worried about just going because I'm not sure if he'll try take Ds back or something"

this stood out and worried me that you'd think he'd not return your son. You can curtail this whilst he can have a relationship with his children. Powers of arrest, non-molestation orders, etc because if you do end it he will become nasty no getting away from that. They also do.

has he turned on the charm yet of full on apologises and I'll get this and that when he was the one that sited you as unreasonable when you were not by a million miles? This is to keep you on the hook and be confused so you'll be wondering what's next?

He needs to do this all whilst separated and then to know it's not a given you will get back together.

I definitely don't think his behaviour is right.
I'd already pulled him on if before him not coming home and was already wondering if he was worth it. I'm still not sure.

We talked yesterday to no real resolve he had a dr appointment today and called in after to talk.
He's got a friend (who I know well) who's looking to rent a room out in his house. Dp has suggested he rent it for at least 6 months, he'll take Ds as little or as often as I like or he'll come here to watch him. He'd like us to still be a couple, do things together and as a family but giving me my own space at home and the frequency etc will be down to me. He'll still pay mortgage, bills and money will still be in the joint account and I'll have full access, we will of course need to look into budgets etc as we'd be spending more and I'm not earning fully at the moment.
He's made an appointment to talk to someone and he's looked into some of the things I suggested.

I'm aware this could just be talk to get me to forgive him or he'll try it and be asking to move back in a few weeks. But I think it's worth it to give me time to think things through properly.

Ds has my surname @FizzyGreenWater. Dd will too.