Sex / Respect

[QAQA]

So my sex drive is low and has been for some time. Since the early part of this year I have been ill with constant dizziness and sickness which is going to be a long road to recovery.

My partner went through a phase of being really pushy about sex but I stuck to my guns of no when I didn’t feel well / like it. In the past I have gone along with it just to avoid causing a problem but then I feel terrible afterwards and sometimes in tears.

He’s been less pushy recently but still fairly persistent. Last night he tried to initiate and I said not tonight perhaps tomorrow, he wasn’t overly happy but seemed to except it.
So I fall asleep, only to be woken up to him touching me and himself. He then disappears, comes back and I asked him why, he’s finished himself off in the bathroom.
I was and still am absolutely livid and hurt.
I said no not now but he disrespected me anyway. What has really got me was this comment ‘I didn’t think I’d wake you up’
What the actual ... !
So he thinks it’s ok to use me as a sex object for his pleasure even when he had no consent and I’d said NO!

I sent him to the spare room. I sobbed my heart out to the point of nearly being sick, no sleep and shattered, I could barely speak to him this morning. Even typing this I feel hurt, tearful and shaky.

I don’t know how to move forward, what to do or think about this.

Any support would be much appreciated

That behaviour is disgusting whether he is your partner or not, I would feel so horrible if that happened to me. I don't really have much more to say, sorry

You've had a horrible shock, and you still sound in shock (not surprisingly) - have you got anyone in RL to talk to who will support you?

OP I'm sorry you have been treated this way. I think you are so upset because you know your partner sexually assaulted you. It sounds like he often pressurises you for sex and isn't particularly considerate of your feelings. A loving and supportive partner would have cared for you during your illness but your partner seems to feel it's an inconvenience as it gets in the way of him having the sex he's entitled to.

So he thinks it’s ok to use me as a sex object for his pleasure even when he had no consent and I’d said NO!

You have already recognized the issue here. I don't think I could stay with a partner that behaved that way and it would certainly cure me of any sexual interest in them. In your shoes I would ask him to leave so that I could at least feel safe while I slept.

Hi, sorry this has happened. Like you I think I would be really upset. He was disrespectful and used you. You really need to tell him how used and upset it has made you feel. Maybe some couples counselling? Xx

It's shit like this that meant I left my ex. You don't deserve to live like this, you never feel like sex if it's always done a result of being nagged and guilted into doing it, my sex drive returned once I'd left. I'd bet this isn't the only area where he is horrible and disrespectful towards you. Do you have DC?

Don’t take it to heart. It sounds like a terrible situation. Focus on getting better

@BogglesGoggles Don't take it to heart?! Is that the advise you would give your daughter if she came to you in a similar situation?! Shocking.

I hate to be the one to put it bluntly but your partner sexually assaulted you. You said no. So he slyly waited until you were asleep before taking advantage of you for his own sexual gain. The fact that he said he thought he wouldn't wake you is appalling in itself. Like you said, treating you as a sexual object for his pleasure.

What you do moving forward is entirely up to you but I would advise you think quite seriously about this incident and perhaps examine your relationship and where this kind of complete disrespect may be surfacing in other areas too.

I wish you all the very best and I want you to know that this was NOT your fault. No one is ever entitled to your body, if you're ill or not. It's irrelevant. Saying NO should always be enough.

X

So I fall asleep, only to be woken up to him touching me and himself

What do you think would have happened if you hadn’t woken up? So Sorry, it sounds like you’ve been sexually assaulted by your partner.

@purplebutterfly as in don’t take it personally/let it effect you. It’s not her fault he did that. She shouldn’t blame herself for what happened or feel it is a reflection on herself. She should focus on getting over what happened to her and not letting it hang around her neck for the rest of her life.

What an absolute creep. I'd be wondering what else I've slept through him doing to me. I don't think I'd be able to get past it.
Have a wank if you're that desperate, but he should leave your body out of it like a normal bloke would! Foul.

@BogglesGoggles - good grief! Why are you minimising sexual assault?

@Lunde no, I just don’t think that OP should be the one who suffers because of what the bastard did. She wants to move forward and she needs to move forward by focusing on herself. She doesn’t owe him anything andneeds to do whatever helps her going forwards.

Tell him if he ever touches you again without your consent, you will cut his bits off and report him to the Police.

someone in your exact situation

@BogglesGoggles OPs partner has sexually assaulted her. Do you understand that? Would you tell a victim of rape or any other sexual assault to not take it personally or is it because he’s her partner that she should just get over it?

OP I’m sorry this has happened to you. Personally for me, there would be no coming back from this. I couldn’t stay with an abuser

I think what Boggles is saying is being taken the wrong way. I think they are sharing the same sentiment as everyone else on the page and not minimising. Just trying to encourage the OP to not let it drag her down.
Badly worded maybe, but doesn't need to be jumped on.

How can you try to not take someone you trusted sexually assaulting you to heart FFS?!

It’s that minimising bullshit that forces women to put up with this shit.

OP, this is sexual assault. You were asleep and could not give consent, and on top of that prior to falling asleep you explicitly told him “not tonight.” He knew you did not agree to any sexual activity with him yet touched you in a sexual way while you were asleep for his own gratification.

I would strongly recommend contacting Rape Crisis (rapecrisis.org.uk/) for further advice and support - I have contacted them by email before (regarding a similar incident with somebody I dated) and they were extremely helpful and supportive.

I went and sat in the work toilets earlier crying
I’ve done sweet fa at work today apart from fight back tears and feeling sick
I’ve got no one I can or really want to talk to this about in RL
I’ve just read the other post someone linked to mine going through the same, I was gobsmacked to read worse had happened to her just this month in recent days.
These are men we are supposed to trust and to respect us, we’ve been together 7yrs.
I will look in to the rape crisis thing because I think I’m going to need some real help to deal with this. Sat here fighting back tears as I write this at my desk.

Everytime you say no to him he feels rejected and when he touches you without consent you feel disrespected and violated. Only you as a couple can imagine the resentment this is building between you. Yes kicking him out might look right now but is that a solution?

You cannot possibly be for real...?

Um yes, kicking out the person who sexually assaulted you is an excellent and highly effective solution to the problem of SOMEONE WHO IS SUPPOSED TO LOVE YOU FORCIBLY SEXUALLY ASSAULTING YOU WHEN YOU CANNOT GIVE CONSENT.

I'm telling myself you're on a pisstake because I'm not sure my brain can take the alternative right now.

In most long term relationships this occurs. Where a man or a women puts a break on being intimate for one reason or another.

Well, exactly. Because children happen, health problems happen, work stress happens. Being frustrated is OK. Making it clear physical intimacy is important to you is OK. Ending the relationship if longer term it stops meeting your needs for physical intimacy is OK.

Sexually assaulting your partner in their sleep not ever ever OK, no matter how long they've been "rejecting" you.

Jeez, we need to add your post to the list of exhibits to show young women who think that feminism is redundant.

In most long term relationships this occurs. Where a man or a women puts a break on being intimate for one reason or another. Physical connection is important to bond.

Like hell it does. Certainly not in this manor squire. We respect each other, and the law of the land.

You'd be losing bits off of you if I woke up to that.