Sex / Respect

[QAQA]

So my sex drive is low and has been for some time. Since the early part of this year I have been ill with constant dizziness and sickness which is going to be a long road to recovery.

My partner went through a phase of being really pushy about sex but I stuck to my guns of no when I didn’t feel well / like it. In the past I have gone along with it just to avoid causing a problem but then I feel terrible afterwards and sometimes in tears.

He’s been less pushy recently but still fairly persistent. Last night he tried to initiate and I said not tonight perhaps tomorrow, he wasn’t overly happy but seemed to except it.
So I fall asleep, only to be woken up to him touching me and himself. He then disappears, comes back and I asked him why, he’s finished himself off in the bathroom.
I was and still am absolutely livid and hurt.
I said no not now but he disrespected me anyway. What has really got me was this comment ‘I didn’t think I’d wake you up’
What the actual ... !
So he thinks it’s ok to use me as a sex object for his pleasure even when he had no consent and I’d said NO!

I sent him to the spare room. I sobbed my heart out to the point of nearly being sick, no sleep and shattered, I could barely speak to him this morning. Even typing this I feel hurt, tearful and shaky.

I don’t know how to move forward, what to do or think about this.

I’m sorry you were sexually assaulted/raped but do you think it might be your fault because you’re frigid?’

Get to fuck @Spolitbratt. I’ve reported your posts because they’re victim blaming. You’re fucking disgusting. FYI marital rape was outlawed in 1991. It’s ILLEGAL to do this to your spouse regardless of whether she has been having sex with him or not.

@mbosnz I said that what the guy did is wrong however issue is much more deep rooted and communication is minimum between them I assume.

spoiltbratt My post would be deleted if I wrote what I would like to say to you. If you want to prioritise sex over all else in a relationship then you can leave if your needs are not being met and an open, honest and kind conversation does not improve the situation.
THERE ARE NO CIRCUMSTANCES IN WHICH SEXUAL ASSAULT CAN BE JUSTIFIED.
I hope that's cleared things up for you.

Seems like I am talking to a bunch of angry people who are adamant to ruin this incident further. TALK , SET BOUNDARIES, IF it doesn't work then it's your decision. No one is blaming the victim here, I am giving my opinion just as you are yours.

Relationships are far more complicated and yes an assault is an assualt. Let the person decide.

The issue is very deep-rooted. The issue is that despite being clearly told that there was no consent to sexual intimacy, he felt entitled to take it by force regardless. THAT is the issue. That he felt entitled to commit the criminal act of sexual assault, on a person who was vulnerable, to whom he was in a position of trust.

There is NO reasonable justification or excuse for this. Ever. It doesn't matter how goddamned long you have been without sex, you have a bloody hand and a laptop, use it.

If you feel you cannot live without more sex with you partner, discuss it. If you cannot come to a mutually agreeable situation, you can always leave. YOU DO NOT GET TO SEXUALLY ASSAULT THEM. Making them a victim. And YOU a criminal.

And yes, you are very much victim blaming.

'You didn't give him enough sex, so he took it. Okay, it's bad that he took it, but that's what happens when you don't give them enough sex'. To paraphrase.

Well, exactly. Because children happen, health problems happen, work stress happens. Being frustrated is OK. Making it clear physical intimacy is important to you is OK. Ending the relationship if longer term it stops meeting your needs for physical intimacy is OK.

Sexually assaulting your partner in their sleep not ever ever OK, no matter how long they've been "rejecting" you.

This.

If he's sexually frustrated, fine, he can sort himself out - alone. Using you as nothing more than a sex toy is never OK.

Exactly, that is what I am saying have they disccussed it ? As I have noticed communication about deeper issue goes in the background as lifes of couple get busier and busier.

However there is a deeper issue in there relationship. She has been low on sex drive due to her illness, and he feels frustrated.

don't neglect the person who you have shared all this for years

issue is much more deep rooted and communication is minimum between them I assume.

Which part of this isn’t victim blaming? Explain it.

Relationships are far more complicated and yes an assault is an assualt. Let the person decide.

Don’t back track. You were saying what he did was wrong BUT. If assault is assault then there is no ‘but’

As for setting boundaries, she said NO. She DID NOT give her consent. That is a boundary. He over stepped it.

Are we being raided by Rape Apologists again?

Set boundaries, you have got to be kidding me. Regardless of how complicated you think relationships are you think "don't sexually assaulted me" needs a specific mention. Perhaps it could be flagged at the same time that you set not being beaten up, shagging your sister or murdering you as boundaries. Thanks for the top tips about how to communicate these things! I naively assumed reasonable and decent adults already knew this stuff, my bad.

I agree with @mbosnz

If DH continually rejected my sexual advances, I would choose to leave, not choose to sexually assault him.

He’s been a complete fucking twat OP. There really are no excuses for his conduct. Awful man

Spoiltbratt - you know nothing about me and my partner, our relationship issues or not, my health issues etc so I suggest you keep your opinions to yourself about me spending his money because I’m not that kind of girl, I support myself not rely on a bloody man!
Being sexually assaulted by someone you love and should trust is not bloody laughing matter, it is soul destroying so how bloody dare you!

Interesting point. Did he attempt to discuss it before sexually assaulting his partner? Or did he just leap straight to helping himself and making himself a criminal, and her a victim?

QAQA - you go girl. Kia Kaha (be strong).

Spoiltbratt is apparently a man. Has said so on another thread.

FACT: men do this because of attitudes like yours @spoiltbratt. He feels entitled to use his partner this way because people like you give him excuses to and enable him.

Another fact for you:

You don’t discuss things with an abuser and you will not find a couples councillor in the land that will allow sessions in a situation like this.

You’re way off. WAY off.

Quelle suprise SpongeBob

OP clearly states that she has been suffering from dizziness and sickness for a while. I'm quite certain that her OH is aware of her physical health. Surely, saying 'I'm not in the mood' when you're ill is totally understandable? How much clearer does she need to be??

There really is nothing more unattractive than a grown man pestering you for sex every. damn. day. It's like they are blind to everything else but their own sexual gratification.

Hi all, and thanks for the reports. We've stepped in and moderated a few posts now.

Oh good, the horrible poster has been shown the door.

You can talk here, OP. People will try and help.

You were sexually assaulted while you slept, that’s never ok. Only you can decide how you want to deal with it OP, but what happened is a criminal offence.

Let's not forget OP expressly withheld consent by saying no and her partner had intended to get away with the assault by not waking her.

That spoiltbratt has XY chromosomes is not a surprise. I use to think that consent workshops at universities were a bit extreme but the more I see here the more it becomes clear that they are sadly very necessary.