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DH touching me whilst asleep

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qwertyl Mon 03-Dec-18 22:45:45

Am downstairs in utter shock.... after an early night and offer of back rub from'd'h woke up to find him touching me.... I stopped him before he went further but he'd already put his fingers inside me I'm sure to check if I was asleep.... oh god I feel sick. I hate him right now envy

Drogosnextwife Mon 03-Dec-18 22:47:02

Are you sure he knew you were asleep?

chickenloverwoman Mon 03-Dec-18 22:47:32

Oh lovely, that's horrible . What do you want to happen next?

Sethis Mon 03-Dec-18 22:49:42

100% rape/sexual assault.

Kick him out of the fucking house.

If that's not possible, leave the house yourself. Crash with friends or family.

This would be a 100% instant deal breaker for a lot of people. Do not pass Go, do not collect £200. End of marriage. At the very least you need to demonstrate consequences to him, right now.

Honeybee79 Mon 03-Dec-18 22:51:02

That's horrible. In fact, it's sexual assault. Has he done it before? What is he saying about it now?

SoaringSwallow Mon 03-Dec-18 22:53:10

qwertyl your feelings are accurate to what he's done. Your instincts are correct. Do whatever you want, but don't let him talk you out of your instincts. He penetrated you without consent. Your reaction is appropriate to what he did.


shamalawa Mon 03-Dec-18 22:53:27

Sorry you're so shaken up by this.

Did he give you a back rub leading you to fall asleep?
Then you woke and he was touching you?
Did he know you were asleep do you think?

Mum2jenny Mon 03-Dec-18 22:53:41

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

qwertyl Mon 03-Dec-18 22:58:13

I've no idea what to half suspected in the past but he's always dismissed it but he definitely thought I was asleep.... makes me feel more ill to say this but I have a very self conscious belly roll after DC and he knows I don't like him touching it - he actually grabbed it first and then put two Fingers inside.... oh god sorry just sounds so horrible... I almost wish I'd let him go further to make the point but I was so furious. I'd been asleep about half hour/45 Mins and he's taken my book out my hands - romantic. I'm downstairs alone but one dc comes in for a cuddle most nights and don't want to alarm her if she can't find me.

shamalawa Mon 03-Dec-18 22:58:23

Back rubs would often lead to sex in our house and that's even if one of us was dozy but that's our relationship and our own boundaries non existent

How did he react when you got up

How are you now?

shamalawa Mon 03-Dec-18 22:59:11

Sorry cross posted there.

That sounds horrible OP

tablelegs Mon 03-Dec-18 23:00:01

That's awful. I'm so sorry.

qwertyl Mon 03-Dec-18 23:01:12

If it had been a back rub and then led to something I understand but not waiting until he thought I was asleep? Surely.... it was so clinical. I've been with him 15 years. I'm
Sure it's started happening the last year or so...

BewareOfDragons Mon 03-Dec-18 23:10:03


You have been violated.

And he's already minimizing his behaviour as you know he's lied to you about it before ... he'ls going to do it again.

So you have to decide what you want to do now.

Would you tell your children to stay in a relationship where their partner violated them in this manner?

qwertyl Mon 03-Dec-18 23:23:53

No that's all I can think of.... the dc and what to do.... my DDs adore him sad

Bluerussian Mon 03-Dec-18 23:24:21

That's pretty horrible. When I saw the thread title I imagined him cuddling up or something like that, probably asleep himself. Husband and I have both done that but certainly touching genitals, never mind putting fingers inside.

It's a violation, please speak plainly to him about how you feel.

Zofloramummy Mon 03-Dec-18 23:27:29

He must know that you know what happened otherwise why would you be downstairs? That is a horrible thing for him to do and it was a sexual assault. No blurred lines at all. You were asleep and therefore unable to consent in any way. I’m so sorry.

Make yourself a cup of sweet tea. Your dd’s may well adore him but will you ever go to sleep again without a worry that this might happen? He isn’t safe to be around. The only person that is to blame here is him.

Rattinghat Mon 03-Dec-18 23:28:38

How much near asleep do you think he was? If he was pretty much nealy asleep himself and his hands started casually wandering, that's different than if he is wide awake and waits for you to be asleep before clinically having an explore.

Zofloramummy Mon 03-Dec-18 23:31:39

How many dozing men accidentally insert their fingers into their partners vaginas? The OP also said it was done in a clinical way.

qwertyl Tue 04-Dec-18 10:31:22

It wasn't accidental at all. The light was still on and he had a good old grope to check i was asleep. I've dropped my dcs at school and come to work with no idea what to do. I don't want to tell family or friends particularly and don't want to suddenly uproot dcs - to where I don't know - but I feel like I don't to be anywhere near him, let alone sleep in a bed next to him ☹️

Rattinghat Tue 04-Dec-18 10:42:38

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Adora10 Tue 04-Dec-18 10:48:29

I am so sorry this has happened to you OP and some of the replies are disgusting, you know yourself what has and is going on, and from what you write, he's been abusing you for sure; why any man would want to be sexual with a woman they think is sleeping is worrying and beyond my understanding; it's such a violation of trust and your own personal body space; not sure I could get past it tbh, in fact, I know I couldn't, there is no respect there.

ImNotKitten Tue 04-Dec-18 10:48:29

Please tell a close friend or family member if you feel able to. You need someone offline to support you ideally.

Rattinghat Tue 04-Dec-18 10:50:55

And if you do decide to break up, you do not need to tell friends and family any details whatsoever.

Shepherdspieisminging Tue 04-Dec-18 10:55:07

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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