Sex / Respect

[QAQA]

So my sex drive is low and has been for some time. Since the early part of this year I have been ill with constant dizziness and sickness which is going to be a long road to recovery.

My partner went through a phase of being really pushy about sex but I stuck to my guns of no when I didn’t feel well / like it. In the past I have gone along with it just to avoid causing a problem but then I feel terrible afterwards and sometimes in tears.

He’s been less pushy recently but still fairly persistent. Last night he tried to initiate and I said not tonight perhaps tomorrow, he wasn’t overly happy but seemed to except it.
So I fall asleep, only to be woken up to him touching me and himself. He then disappears, comes back and I asked him why, he’s finished himself off in the bathroom.
I was and still am absolutely livid and hurt.
I said no not now but he disrespected me anyway. What has really got me was this comment ‘I didn’t think I’d wake you up’
What the actual ... !
So he thinks it’s ok to use me as a sex object for his pleasure even when he had no consent and I’d said NO!

I sent him to the spare room. I sobbed my heart out to the point of nearly being sick, no sleep and shattered, I could barely speak to him this morning. Even typing this I feel hurt, tearful and shaky.

I don’t know how to move forward, what to do or think about this.

You're doing amazingly OP. I know it probably doesn't feel like it right now but you're being so strong and making all the right choices to look after yourself after what you've been through. I'm rooting for you xx

Thank you
I just feel so alone with it all
Like I'm reaching out for help and it's just out of reach all the time

Hi QAQA,

I'll start by saying I hope you are doing ok, it sounds like you have been struggling with things of late.

That said, and please correct me if I am wrong here, I think your point of order is that your husbands hand found his way on to your breast of a night, led by your own hand.

Now I am not saying that there are not boundaries that need to be adhered to here but I would think the most effective resolution to this would be a constructive conversation with the man you chose to spend the rest of your life with. I am not entirely sure it is the rape crisis centre you need, in fact I feel quite strongly that their overstretched service shouldn't be burdened with this. Have you considered seeing another health care professional / therapist who may help guide you through your issues?

Sadly, and I speak from experience here, the rape crisis team in almost every region is dramatically under funded and overstretched and with the best will in the world I feel there are others more deserving of their help than someone who has, by their own admission, led their life partners hand to her breast one night. I don't mean to sound harsh but in my opinion this is something a healthy discourse can resolve. It doesn't sound like your partner isn't amenable to this whereas sadly many who can't access the service are in a far more disadvantageous situation.

I hope you can resolve things, I truly do but I would urge that you attempt to keep things in perspective here

@HirooOnoda did you intentionally misinterpret what OP actually said?

‘He said I moved his hand on to my breast, I was asleep so I dare say I might have moved his arm but it's still not consent.’

OP feels that she has been sexually assaulted, that’s all that matters and she has every right to access whichever support services she feels she needs, whether it’s the police, a counsellor or Rape Crisis. It is absolutely not yours, or anyone else’s place to decide who is ‘more deserving’ of accessing support.

Jesus, I hope you don’t work for Rape Crisis.

You’re being increasingly strong @QAQA. I hope he gives you the space you need to decide how you want to handle this going forward. It speaks volumes that he hasn’t so far

Jesus Christ @HirooOnoda what a callous comment. Touching someone in a sexual manner while they are asleep and therefore unable to consent (in this case OP made it very clear prior to falling asleep that she did NOT consent to sexual activity) is sexual assault. Rape Crisis exists to help people who have fallen victim to rape, sexual abuse and/or sexual assault. Who do you think you are to police someone's feelings about what happened to them or decide whether or not they deserve help and support? Shame on you.

@HirooOnoda. You're bang out or order.

Are you another MRA Hiroo? Or are you just bad at reading?

This is really, really not okay. Just because you are in a relationship with him doesn't mean he is entitled to your body. It is sexual assault, it isn't okay. You need to talk to someone, a councillor perhaps? I'd keep him away from you if you can, this really isn't okay.
I woke up to my boyfriend doing this to me when I was 17. I stupidly thought it was okay because he "was my boyfriend". It haunts me that if he did that.. what else had he done to me while I slept. It is a criminal offence. x