Sex / Respect

[QAQA]

So my sex drive is low and has been for some time. Since the early part of this year I have been ill with constant dizziness and sickness which is going to be a long road to recovery.

My partner went through a phase of being really pushy about sex but I stuck to my guns of no when I didn’t feel well / like it. In the past I have gone along with it just to avoid causing a problem but then I feel terrible afterwards and sometimes in tears.

He’s been less pushy recently but still fairly persistent. Last night he tried to initiate and I said not tonight perhaps tomorrow, he wasn’t overly happy but seemed to except it.
So I fall asleep, only to be woken up to him touching me and himself. He then disappears, comes back and I asked him why, he’s finished himself off in the bathroom.
I was and still am absolutely livid and hurt.
I said no not now but he disrespected me anyway. What has really got me was this comment ‘I didn’t think I’d wake you up’
What the actual ... !
So he thinks it’s ok to use me as a sex object for his pleasure even when he had no consent and I’d said NO!

I sent him to the spare room. I sobbed my heart out to the point of nearly being sick, no sleep and shattered, I could barely speak to him this morning. Even typing this I feel hurt, tearful and shaky.

I don’t know how to move forward, what to do or think about this.

OP I'm really sorry that this happened to you and that you've had a victim blaming response on here. Please hold in your mind that the majority of us on here are in full support of you.

I would definitely look into rape crisis services, maybe start with their helpline (the national helpline opens at 7) they are very good xx

He's an arsehole OP
He has sexually assaulted you after you made your feelings known before falling asleep.
If you'd awoke to him masturbating or if he'd asked if you minded him doing so near you (some people wouldn't mind, some would) then that's different but he touched you too after you'd said no which is never never ok.

OP, you are not alone in this and help and support is available to help you get through this - ultimately the course of action you take is your decision but as others have stated here what your partner did is sexual assault and that is not only a horrific breach of trust but a crime. I contacted rape crisis after somebody I thought was a friend tried to force himself on me at a party - after I’d explicitly said NO, he proceeded to try and pull my pants off and try to have sex with me anyway. I was so horrified but at the same time terrified of reporting him because everybody in my friend group knew and loved him, and because I was scared of not being believed and being blamed - I found it really helpful to speak to someone at Rape Crisis to get support from someone who wasn’t personally connected to me or him and if you decide to report it they can help you with that. Do you have any family or friends you could stay with in the meantime?

He said I moved his hand on to my breast, I was asleep so I dare say I might have moved his arm but it's still not consent.
I told him no before I was asleep, I never said yes and to be woken up being touched in intimate places not on.
He doesn't see what's he's done as sexual assault

It doesn't matter how he sees it. What matters is how you see it. How you feel about it. If he doesn't understand that - you have your answer as to how much you can trust him. You cannot give consent when you are sleeping. It is not possibly. Legally.

I left the house at 6pm on my own to sort my horse, he asked what about the dogs to which I replied you've got your own car, and walked out.
I've been at the field since on my own and haven't heard anything from him.
Debating whether to speak with the rape crisis team or not.
I've got to go home at some point, not looking forward to it.

OP, I posted a big long reply to your post in the sex topic but the thread was deleted for being a duplicate so I don’t know if you saw it.

Due to my own health issues and response to a very powerful hormone treatment, I have spent many years with no libido and no physical relationship with my DH. Like you I started out trying to do it anyway but that was so damaging to our relationship and my mental health I stopped that pretty quickly.

I did everything I could to try and improve things - DH knew this but it was still very difficult for him, obviously. Even after years of no sex, he never once touched me without my consent.

I told him I completely understood if he wanted to leave - that or stay together with no sex while I tried to fix it were our only options. Feeling assaulted by my own husband would have ended the marriage anyway. Fortunately things have improved and our relationship is now very strong, because he has respected me throughout this difficult period.

I would have left in a heartbeat if he did this to me and I’m so sorry this has happened to you. His response is appalling. I could not feel safe with him again.

You’ll always get people who simply don’t understand that loss of libido is not the same as low sex drive, and that you can’t just “get on with it”, and who’ll think you’re being cruel to your sexually abusive husband. Ignore them. They have no clue what it’s like. You know this is wrong and you deserve better.

QAQA, is there a friend you can go to? Or family? Or can you afford a hotel for the night?

He's tried to call just now and I've not answered, he's text to ask if I'm going home, I've not answered.
Problem is I have to go home as I have nothing with me other than what I'm in and I need medication for my back.
My family are an hour away which I can't do the driving because of my on going dizziness issues, and quite frankly I don't want to talk to them about this. I have no real friends either, so have no choice but to go back.

Can he sleep in a separate room at least so you don’t have to be near him right now?

Yes
Last night I walked out of our bedroom and went in to the spare room, he came to find me and I said why should I be in here! So he stayed in the spare room last night and I should hope he would stay in there tonight too.

Perhaps your partner needs to read this if he doesn’t understand the concept of consent: rightsofwomen.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2014/10/PDF-guide-to-understanding-sexual-assault-and-causing-someone-to-engage-in-sexual-activity.pdf

I’m sorry there’s no-one nearby that you feel you can talk to but as mentioned before I think it would definitely be a good idea to get some RL support to help you figure out next steps.

This is the 3rd post at the moment about unasked for intimate touching/more from partners/husbands. I don't think any are duplicates. It's pretty alarming how it seems that sharing a bed means for some men that you are simply expected to be available for sex as and when they feel like it or they just pester or sulk or act huffy. I have to be honest as I've grown older and am post menopausal I am less bothered and actually mentally thought 'thank Christ it won't be such a big deal all the time'. WRONG, maybe some men aren't as bothered in mid to late 50s, seems plenty are, and I for one quite envy those women on here with older partners who aren't that bothered, because for whatever reason other things seem more pleasurable, I honestly prefer a good book and a nice glass of wine. I do like sex as an occasional thing, in fact I enjoy it more when it doesn't feel like something that's 'expected' OP, it's really not ok, but it really depends on what the rest of your relationship is like as to how you go forward . If it's great then sometimes it' comes naturally just to say 'OK I've said no , so sod off' , if however it's got any issues, then I think something like this magnifies it a lot. You know what it's like, you know if it's something you consider crap enough to leave, it's your call, everyone on here has totally different triggers for leaving.

Oh gosh, you poor thing.

Don't EVER let someone tell you it was your fault, that you're lying, that you're making it up, that you deserved it, that you asked for it. EVER. There are people in this world who will say that and you just need to block that shit out.

The fact he doesn't see it as assault is disturbing. Almost like he sees you as this object to do with as he sees fit.
Coercion can often lead to assault. For me, in my mind, it's a very small step away.

I've been assaulted. It was awful.

I remember feeling just like you. Emotional, teary, confused, angry. The questions in my head were constantly whirring.

You do need someone to confide in and preferably it is a RASA counsellor. I had one and she was bloody brilliant. The first time I went to her I was just piecing together the fragments in my mind. It was so broken up, I just had feelings dominate me so it was like making chronological sense of things.

The second time, I hadn't quite dealt with everything that was causing me guilt. So, the second bout gave me the mental clarity and freedom from the guilt that had been weighing me down.

Continue to sleep in the spare room. Tell him if he does it again, you will be going to the police. You could go to the police now and they would form a case. Just because he's your partner, that doesn't make him exempt from the law regarding rape and sexual assault. If he says he doesn't think it was assault again, say "Okay I'll ring the police now and see what they say, shall I?" Watch his face... he fucking knows it is.

Have some space and time apart if you can. Please surround yourself with friends and family. You don't have to tell them intimate details but support is key here - it will feel like noone else understands what you are going through but you need people to lean on for a while.

We are here too. Speak to us. We will listen. We will hear you. We will advise you if you want us to.

Take some time off work if you can, too?

And finally, I want to give you a big fuzzy un-mumsnetty hug. Because I want you to know that no matter how fucking awful this has made you feel, people care about you, value you and love you. Proper soppy shit but it's TRUE and you need to hear it for when things might get a bit messed up in your head (they did in mine).

I don't have any words of wisdom OP other than I can't imagine how you're feeling.

Once someone violates your trust like this, I don't know if there is a way forward. How can you share a bed with him and feel safe again

Even pestering someone for sex when they're ill is just ick.

You need to talk this out in RL with someone who can help

Lets look at it the other way round for clarity. My boyfriend doesnt want sex, and goes to sleep. I then touch his penis to get myself off. Do I know this is wrong and it would upset him? Yes I do. Dont touch other people when they are asleep. Honey, I would have a big conversation with him that this is not okay.

Sadly I had one boyfriend like this. He would push and push me into sex even after I said no. I remember feeling like id been raped. He said "i thought when a man is in a relationship it is meant to be on tap" the lack of respect that men have for women is appalling

What I think really sums up how men feel. There ws a case where a man raped his girfriend and he said " how could it be rape, how coukd i forcefully eat ny own sandwich". Men think of you as something that belongs to them, that they have the right to have whenever they want. Numerous male celebrities have said lately that they do not see women as human beings.

I couldn't get through on the rape crisis so I found a local contact but it was more for reporting and taking evidence but she has given me a local number to call tomorrow during normal office hours to get some more support.
I ended up calling the Samaritans just so I had someone to talk to, they can't help but it was nice to talk to an actual person who wasn't judging me or telling me I'm wrong.
I will try and leave work earl tomorrow so I can make the call whilst they are open.
I'm currently sat in my car tucked over on a country lane sobbing my heart out, questioning why he won't accept any responsibility for what he's done.
I'm going to have to go back soon.

Thank you to everyone for being so supportive, I have no one to talk to so you have all been a massive help, thank you

So sorry you are going through this OP. I think you are being incredibly brave.

Yes, very brave, considering how emotional you are understandably feeling.

I dropped the let's call the police and see what they call it / say line and his response was if that's what you need.

I don't want to take this to the police

He's full of apologies and wants to talk
He's scared
Worried about my 'welfare' all of a sudden
I've said you won't take responsibility for what you've done and asked to be left alone
He's in the spare room

I don't feel like we can go anywhere until he admits what he's done and takes responsibility

OP I think he knows what he did was wrong and is now scared, ashamed and panicking about the potential consequences (as he should). He needs to understand what he did and how that made you feel and why it was wrong, but he may choose to deny it because owning up to his hideous behaviour is harder than sticking his head in the sand and making out like this is not a big deal.

Glad you’ve got someone you can contact, no matter what your partner says you know what happened and are very clear on that so don’t let him try and make you question your feelings or reaction.

Unfortunately when I confronted my “friend” who tried to force himself on me he completely shut down and would not for one moment accept or admit that his behaviour was wrong, and that made me feel absolutely worthless, hurt and betrayed. It’s a horrible thing to go through especially as this is someone you should feel safe with but you are 100% not alone.

Full of apologies again
Asked to be left alone

What are you going to do?

Are you coming back tonight?

Then asks me should I sell the dogs as I can't afford to keep them on my own!?

Can I come to the field with you tonight to exercise the dogs?

Let me know you get to work ok...

Yeah he's panicking alright. Are you able to call a helpline today to get some advice?