Sex / Respect

[QAQA]

So my sex drive is low and has been for some time. Since the early part of this year I have been ill with constant dizziness and sickness which is going to be a long road to recovery.

My partner went through a phase of being really pushy about sex but I stuck to my guns of no when I didn’t feel well / like it. In the past I have gone along with it just to avoid causing a problem but then I feel terrible afterwards and sometimes in tears.

He’s been less pushy recently but still fairly persistent. Last night he tried to initiate and I said not tonight perhaps tomorrow, he wasn’t overly happy but seemed to except it.
So I fall asleep, only to be woken up to him touching me and himself. He then disappears, comes back and I asked him why, he’s finished himself off in the bathroom.
I was and still am absolutely livid and hurt.
I said no not now but he disrespected me anyway. What has really got me was this comment ‘I didn’t think I’d wake you up’
What the actual ... !
So he thinks it’s ok to use me as a sex object for his pleasure even when he had no consent and I’d said NO!

I sent him to the spare room. I sobbed my heart out to the point of nearly being sick, no sleep and shattered, I could barely speak to him this morning. Even typing this I feel hurt, tearful and shaky.

I don’t know how to move forward, what to do or think about this.

I'm going to tell work I've got a doctors appointment and leave early so I can call someone later this afternoon.
From what I understand initial contact with this support is during normal office hours, then after that initial contact there is out of hours help.

I felt so alone last night

He text this morning to say have a good day, my response was are you kidding me
I also sent him the link a kind poster sent about the topic / women's rights
He's then gone on to tell me how he could not possibly be without me and how much he loves me

I can almost guarantee that what’s happened here is that it simply hasn’t occurred to him that this would be a problem (another reason I suspect he’s done it before). That’s not an excuse, because it absolutely should be clear to anyone that your partner’s body is not an object for you to do with as you please just because you want to ejaculate.

His whole attitude is fucked - the scary part is that he is not unique, plenty of men simply do not understand consent and why it’s so important, maybe because most of them have never experienced having their boundaries pushed.

I had to explain it to my ex like “imagine a friend of yours (a man twice his size and much stronger physically / physically threatening) touching your penis while you sleep, would you be comfortable with that? Would you feel safe with that person any more? Would you not waking up make it okay?”. He had to literally put himself in that situation mentally to get it as it was foreign to him. But this is a guy who could watch scenes of women being raped without flinching, yet when we saw a TV show where a man was forced to give oral sex to a man at gun point, he said he would kill himself at that happened to him. I realised that he didn’t see sexual assault against women as a big deal at all, but against men it was the worst crime imaginable. Told me a lot about him and his attitude towards women.

I hope you can get the support you need, take some time off sick if you need to - maybe speak to your GP about what’s happened too so they can support you.

I told work I had a doctors appointment and left early
I came home and I called the local rape crisis team to make a referral
The lady I spoke to was lovely, she said someone

... would call me to make an appointment to meet up and talk about what they can do / how they can help me

So I'm now at home resting, this is all so exhausting

Some of these men (and their "cool" gfs/wives) argue that "Well I'd be turned on to wake up to someone touching me!" Therefore it's ok- they seem to have zero, ZERO concept of what consent means, or what even basic empathy or respect means. You told him no - he used your body anyway for his own sick gratification to make himself cum. My then fiance did this to me, except i woke on several occasions to him actually having sex with me. It was honestly utterly horrible, horrific, demeaning...so many more words. I told him I didn't want him doing that, I told him he was never to do it to me again, and he went and did it anyway. The pain and flashbacks of waking up to find him doing that are horrific, and I got told on here years ago that "Well, your poor partner, it really turns men on to wake up to that, so he probably just thought you'd enjoy it". NO MEANS FUCKING NO, whether it's touching, penetration etc. It truly says something about a man's character if he cannot even comprehend that.

So he's tried to have normal conversations with me but I don't really want to talk

He was at the field but exercising our dogs so well out of my space

I had someone at the field to my horse tonight and she was there 1.5hrs which was a great distraction and took me away from all the hurt

This evening he's tried talking again saying he's sorry over and over, how much he loves me and no one else will ever love me as much as him, funny way of bloody showing it!

He has said he accepts responsibility but I have said I don't think he fully accepts he sexually assaulted me, and he knew full well what he was doing by admitting he didn't want to wake me

I don't think he's getting the response he expected from me so is now talking about other issues
I have said right now the issue is what happened Tuesday night, nothing else really matters right now I need to process this and get some support to work through it before anything else can be dealt with
I feel like he is trying to play down the seriousness of it all and make it about him and other issues
I've told him if he has issues that he should seek some help but he won't

He's seemed concerned that me contacting people for help would end up with the police on our doorstep. I feel like his only worry is himself and how he feels and when are his feelings important, right now sunshine you've committed a crime and betrayed my trust!

He keeps asking lots of questions, are you moving out, what happens now, will you be home tomorrow, do we live separate lives, are we spending the weekend together ... the list goes on. I don't have all or any of the answers right now.
He asked me if I wanted him to stay in the spare room again to which I replied yes
I went to bed and he comes in and asks if he can come in to watch some tv with me, I said no to which he said you're kicking me out of my own room, I responded are you fucking kidding me!
He said night and shut the door a little harshly.
It's his fucking house so he can sleep in any room apart from the one I'm sleeping in, and it's not like there is only one tv in the house.

I'm exhausted, he wants to talk about everything and right now I don't want to talk about anything

I just don't know what to think / feel / do ...

Even now he can't respect your space.

Says it all, really, doesn't it.

He really needs to back off and give you space. Sadly I'm not surprised he doesn't understand he gravity of what he did or that it was sexual assault, so many men just don't get it (or choose not to).

Feel so lost

He has said he accepts responsibility but I have said I don't think he fully accepts he sexually assaulted me, and he knew full well what he was doing by admitting he didn't want to wake me

No, I’m sure he doesn’t accept that he’s sexually assaulted you, because men who behave this way don’t think in those terms. They don’t consider consent as a changing thing that varies depending on what you want or don’t want at the time. He sees you next to him, he thinks about his erection and that’s it. He is not lying there thinking “I’m going to sexually assault my wife now”. He’s not thinking about the impact on you at all.

Ask him honestly if he knew at the time that what he was doing was wrong - I did this and the response was just exasperation because he didn’t think about it in those terms at all. My trauma was the result of him not thinking about me at all. It’s quite horrifying when you think about the implications of this, and you’re absolutely right not to share a bed with him.

I feel like he is trying to play down the seriousness of it all and make it about him and other issues. I've told him if he has issues that he should seek some help but he won't

That’s because he sees your complaint here as the same level of problem as “you never empty the dishwasher” or “you swore at me once”. He doesn’t understand that this is not the same.

He's seemed concerned that me contacting people for help would end up with the police on our doorstep. I feel like his only worry is himself and how he feels and when are his feelings important, right now sunshine you've committed a crime and betrayed my trust!

Yep, that’s exactly his concern. Fortunately this stuff not being on his radar means he doesn’t realise that there’s a minuscule chance of him being charged with anything, because when men like this figure that out then all bets are off. You should still report it if you want to, of course.

He is not lying there thinking “I’m going to sexually assault my wife now”. He’s not thinking about the impact on you at all.

This. Exactly this. OP have you got a face-to-face appointment with someone for support and figuring out next steps?

no one else will ever love me as much as him

What a nasty piece of manipulative shit.

💐 hugs if you want them

I called a crisis team yesterday to be referred for support

Whilst in a meeting at work this morning I have had a voicemail to say the local team have received my referral and someone would be in touch with me soon to arrange an appointment to meet me and discuss options / support

I don't really know what I want to get out of this, I guess I just need to talk to someone and make some sense of it all to be able to process it and move on

I did tell him last night you ever do anything like this to me again and I will go straight to the police

I also flipped the question back at him and said what if this was your daughter it was happening too, I think that gave him a virtual slap in the face

OP I think for you both to be able to deal with and move on from this (if that is what you want) he has to really truly understand what he did and why it was wrong, he probably needs to talk to someone outside the situation as well as it still sounds like he doesn't really get it. He sounds like he's panicking at the thought of losing you and regrets what he did not because he realises it was wrong but because of the consequences he's now facing and the impact that could have on him/his life.

He mentioned last night seeking some form of couples counselling

But he won't seek help for himself
I can't make him

It's only in the last 6 or so months that I'm reaching out for help with things because I needed some support

I've had to leave work sick today
I'm not sure if it's my illness or I'm just not handling what's happened very well
My dizziness has intensified and I feel sick to the point I think I might actually be sick
I can't get any work done or concentrate on anything
As soon as I got in my car and left work the tears came
Currently in bed trying to rest and going to attempt some lunch

It’s absolutely fantastic (and very unusual, sadly!) that you’ve been able to access support so quickly. I never had any help after I left a similar relationship - I tried but the local service was completely swamped.

You don’t need to know what you want for it - keep an open mind and take the help, they should help you to figure out what you want and need going forwards, just by being a sounding board.

Could you possibly get signed off for a week? Stress like this is bound to exacerbate physical health issues, it does for me.

He mentioned last night seeking some form of couples counselling But he won't seek help for himself I can't make him

Don't bother with the couples counselling, never do couples counselling with an abusive partner, they use it as another tool to abuse you with. Of course he won't seek help for himself because he does not feel he did anything wrong, he views this as a relationship issue, if you would just have sex more he would not need to do this. That is the position he will take in couples counselling, that he is some poor sod that just wants to be close with his partner, refer back to the abusive partner using counselling to further abuse.

I am so sorry OP that he has hurt you, just here sending you support and a handhold. Please take care of yourself.

It's just feels like he can't see past his own pain

He wants answers I don't have

He wants some form of connection / contact, I'm not ready for that

I'm still crying at the drop of a hat seemingly for no reason

I'm wondering when the crisis team will call me to make an appointment to meet, it just doesn't feel like anything is happening quick enough

I'm numb

Is there anywhere you can go to get some space, as he's not giving you any?

My concern would be that he's just going to push and push you. He clearly has no respect for your boundaries.

Even a hotel for a couple of nights may be a start to try and think this out.

I totally understand what you are saying and I wish I was stronger and in better health to do that but I need my dogs around me, a reason to keep going.
The animals and work give me some structure although it was too much today and I had to leave work sick.
I had a nice cuddle with my horse tonight.
The horse and one of my dogs I seem to have a deeper connection with and they know when I need them to just be there.

Tonight there has been no pressure to answer impossible questions
He kept himself busy sorting a new hose and then replacing a section of skirting board that had been chewed from a long time ago
Which left me to do what I wanted just to look through a wildlife group which has pictures galore and videos of nesting birds / chicks

He has been drinking this evening which would normally be an issue but for some reason tonight it wasn't

He's gone to the spare room without a question or asking tonight which took some pressure off me
I can hear he's watching / listening to music videos on his phone in the spare room (no tv)

I've managed to get in to bed tonight and so far no tears

Oh OP. What an ordeal. I really feel for you. Such a betrayal of trust. Hope you sleep well.

I managed to get some sleep
Still feel exhausted