How hard should I try to contact a grown up child who has gone NC ?

[LeebieAnn]

My youngest daughter ( aged 30) hand she whilst not completely NC has as gone full NC. Blocked me on all forms of communication. Not sure about email but got no response to one that I sent) so snail mail is now my only hope. Worst of all she dragged her sister(32) into the
" argument" and she has changed from phoning me virtually every day for a chat to arguing and refusing to let her DD ( 8) to come visit as previously planned. I live approx two hours away from either.
I reached out to the younger one by email but got no response. Phone calls and texts go unanswered.
This all started a month ago and I cried and was really upset virtually every day and it interfered with my normal activities. Now I am finding that my heart is hardening into anger.
Shall I just accept it ?
From reading previous posts over the months, it would appear that Mumsnet appears to advise that a position of NC with a parent is a correct and righteous step to take with an elderly parent that has annoyed you.

My genuine suggestion is that you leave your children in peace for a while and get some therapy. Only then think about building bridges.

And for future reference, if you have time to make various short responses and posts about coming back later to explain things in more depth, then make the time to set out the pertinent points at the outset. You’ll get better replies. No one likes drip feeding.

You may well be right however when you say that I was wrong in not addressing my youngest daughter's accusation that she was less loved . I was dumbfounded to be truthful and so yes did go straight to her sister to ask did she see any truth in the accusation.

There's your problem. Your DD told you what her issue was. But you didn't take it on board. You ran to someone else to see if they thought it was the truth and went with that. Why couldn't you accept your youngest DD telling you her truth? Why would your older DD's opinion of how your younger DD feels be more valid than your younger DD. She's right, from your own words, you do favour your other DD over her.

This is a fascinating insight o to how my mother thinks.
Be very well aware OP that the 5 hours late with the dog is not the reason; it’s the final straw that broke the camel’s back.
The parts about loving the neighbour’s children and taking them out daily particularly resonated with me because I bet at the same time you barely spoke to your own grandchildren- were you having them to stay with you at the seaside and taking them out to play? I’m pretty sure I know the answer.

NC with a parent is the most difficult decision a person can make. We are 'pack animals' and therefore breaking off from the 'pack' and going it alone is a huge decision to make and must NEVER be underestimated. I don't doubt that your daughter her reasons for doing this. You need to accept it and move on. No doubt you feel angry and embarrassed about the situation because who wants to admit that their daughter wont speak to them? But you need to let it go. Try to turn the negative feelings such as anger into something positive. Try to continue your life without her being in it and accept the situation. If you really do not understand why she has made this decision, then write her a letter. A letter might be a better way of contacting her anyway...you can take time really thinking about what you are saying. Good luck.

If you insist on sending a letter it should say something like 'I am so sorry I threw a strop about my problems catching a train that were entirely my own fault. I shouldn't have threatened to leave the dog with you instead of just visiting for a couple of days first. I should have listened to you when you said you didn't want me to come any more. I am very sorry and I promise I will respect you, your time, and your wishes from now on.'

The chances of you actually sending anything like that are actually infinitesimal. So how about you just leave her the fuck alone?

@mawof3soontobe It is taking me a while to catch up on the many responses . Many of the answers that I have had have called me a narcissist so I have to take that on board and consider it. But this post s bout me and what I should do to repair the rift in my family so it is necessarily self-centred. I am being forced to have a long hard look at myself.
Befriending the neighbouring family was initiated and largely driven by them and honestly, for my part it was not motivated by a " look at me" "aren't I kind" place but we filled each others mutual need. My children are grown, I have retired and I have time on my hands. It would be a wicked world if we did not help each other when we can.

OP, you seem very motivated to write a letter. This is YOUR need, not your daughters' needs.

I would therefore suggest that you write whatever you want in a letter, and then destroy it. It seems important enough to you to write it down, but for their sakes, don't send it.

You also come across as desperate to be heard. Some form of therapy would give you this. If you google you can find local ways to access free or cheap counselling.

While you’re having your big insight OP think on something you said here, that in anger you’ve considered banning your child from your (eventual) funeral and amongst all your children, disinheriting her. Turn this on it’s head and imagine one of your children opting to boycott your funeral and refusing any inheritance. How does that feel?

@ArchieHarrison DD32 is the one with the grandchildren. She lived with me whilst pregnant and for a time when the first grandchild( now DG8 ) was a toddler and yes I was in constant contact with and had her to visit and stay as often as I possibly could. I all but worship that child and am classic granny with her.
That is why the fact that she cannot come and stay this half term hurts so much. I had it all planned out in my head. There is a new grandson but he cannot stay yet as he is too young and not used to me.

There's your problem. Your DD told you what her issue was. But you didn't take it on board. You ran to someone else to see if they thought it was the truth and went with that. Why couldn't you accept your youngest DD telling you her truth? Why would your older DD's opinion of how your younger DD feels be more valid than your younger DD. She's right, from your own words, you do favour your other DD over her.

This is exactly it. Once my mother had stopped batting away everything I said and found herself facing a statement from me she couldn't excuse herself out of, she asked if she could check with my sisters. She turned to the golden child (ignored my other sister) and asked if she thought it was true. She gave a very political answer, which my mother immediately took as vindication and meant she didn't have to address my point at all. All swept away because golden child sister didn't back me up. Not interested in my point of view at all.

GottaGetUp But that is exactly the letter that I feel that I should send .

@bollockstobrexit I know that she'd only be trying to understand it from a 'why is she like this and how to I get her to change and woe is me' perspective rather than looking at anything about herself which she needs to address. very well put. This is my MIL all over. She wrote a letter to my DH in which all she did was tell him how much she had suffered to have him, and how she’d had to beg his DF for money etc. Basically she was telling DH he should be grateful for all she did and none of it was her fault. 9 years on, she STILL doesn’t get it.

I can't believe I read this to the bloody end. What a waste of time and what a bizarre story!

OP, you said you wanted to say sorry for 'the confusion' and that 'it didn't go well'. That is a very passive voice which in no way shows that you have understood what you did wrong that day. You need to show her that you understand the impact of what you did on her, and that you take full responsibility. It sounds like she was extremely distressed by what happened. Describing it as not having 'gone well' or as 'confusion' means you do not understand at all.

I compare “would you like to try again some weekend” to my most despised form of non-apology I.e. sorry if you feel that way. It should be ‘I’m sorry that I made you feel that way’ You’d need to ask for the opportunity to try again. Don’t put the onus on the other party.

It's bizarre but sadly, not uncommon .
OP you messed up and cannot take responsibility.
You say you may disinherit them in one post and claim to have very little money in another.... so , disinherit away !

This is the most frustrating storytelling since season 8 of Game of Thrones.

You say you want to hear from daughters who are NC with their mum and how they feel about the situation?

Ok, honestly - the last 6-7 years of my life have been the best 6-7 years of my life. I don't miss her, I barely think about her. I feel like a weight has lifted off my shoulders. I hope she dies soon. I won't go to the funeral and I fully expect I've been cut out the will.

I won't feel any guilt when she does die, just relief that there's no more risk of the occasional diatribe landing on the door mat. I've blocked her on email and she's never rung me but I get a lengthy ranting letter every couple of years.

She brought it on herself and has no one to blame but herself. My life is happier and more peaceful without her trying to bring me down all the time.

*For those who are NC with your mothers, wouldn't you be happy if your mothers were trying to understand the issues, and even asking others to help them understand and resolve it

No, because I know that she'd only be trying to understand it from a 'why is she like this and how do I get her to change and woe is me' perspective rather than looking at anything about herself which she needs to address.

Absolutely not. For those of us with difficult relationships with our mothers we recognise the "asking" others as a manipulative attempt to seek validation and support*

These are both answers that I would give to the first question.

My answer was harsh and uncompromising because I have a lifetime of experience with people like the OP. As a result I am NC with my own mother and sister. They have gaslighted the rest of the family against me, so I no longer have any family apart from my own adult child.

And like other posters I have had the easiest 18 months of my life since going NC: no drama, no lies, no manipulation, no threats and best of all I can answer my phone without a sense of dread.

I am much happier and healthier having gone NC. I have an 8 week old daughter and my parents will not ever know she exists. I'm not letting them damage her the way she damaged me. I will also not go to their funerals or take any inheritance if there is one

I was going to identify all of the manipulative statements in your posts, but there are too many and I can't be bothered.

Narcissists are well known for their ability to manipulate others without it being identifiable to anyone but those who are victims and those who have recovered from narcissistic abuse. Others can't see it because they read it without sensing the subtext.

To be quite frank, reading your posts sends my NarcDar right into the red zone. If you're not a narc your story is excellently written to mimic one.

And narcissists are never able to see it in themselves, although they are capable of pretending to hold their hands ups as another tactic to gain control.

It's also quite telling that having a daughter who has gone NC with you because she feels unloved, your instinctive response is to ban her from your funeral and cut her out of your will. So you get to have the last word after you die and the message you want your daughter to receive is 'Fuck you!'.

As I said earlier, she's not wrong.

Daughter states you don't love her like the others.

You run ex late on train journey and react by raging via text that you won't be making that journey again.
Daughter sees that you made a drama out of a journey and refuse to come and see her more than this once. She tells you not to bother - who wants a raging, entitled person coming to their home late in the evening.

Your reaction is to ignore her request and continue on in the hopes she calms down. Did you not think of calming down before raging about a delayed journey that was your own fault in the first place?
Daughter sees you ignore her yet again, after raging at her and making her feel responsible for your journey.
You go home feeling very hard done by, refusing to see you caused the situation.

Daughter thinks, this is it, the last straw, I will not spend one more second being raged or blamed or made to feel responsible for this woman's troubles.

I actually barely understood the post about the train journey