DH wants to move out and date me

[canadianflower]

My husband has said he's not sure what he wants and says he wants to move out. We have a tiny house we have been trying to sell and he wants to move in here while he works out what he wants and "date" me. He also wants the kids there 50% of the time.

I feel it's unfair to disrupt everyone for a while but obviously appreciate this would be the new normal if we divorce. He's not saying he wants to divorce though, just that he needs space and wants to date me to revive the marriage.

What would you do?

@Skittlesandbeer

It sounds preposterous when you imagine a mother behaving like that, doesn’t it!

With the info that you are currently renting and that you own the other house, I would say he has been told that he needs to move in and then he has more rights on it he could block the sale by being obstructive which is easier from inside

I think you need to move over to that house, and at least you will have somewhere to live. Who is paying the rent on where you are now? Is there a mortgage? Equity on the house?

Can your DC move schools? How far is the drive?

And ensure he knows that you wont be doing all the school runs

I had a lodger whose came to me because his wife wanted some space to decide what she wanted. She supposedly didn't want them to split up or to divorce, just some space. He moved out, she changed the locks !! He's now happily married to someone else.

Conversely I have friends where they mutually decided she would move out into her own place. They're not divorcing, are very good friends and still socialise together all the time and in a lot of respects are still a married couple, they just live separately. They've been married over 30 years.

GinisLifee My inlaws are like the 2nd couple....live separately, never divorced, meet for meals at one another's houses more than twice a week.

Is he trying to avoid the sleepless nights with the baby?

He’s taken advice.

Get a SHL now.

Don’t believe a word he says.

Leave him

@HennyPennyHorror but in both our cases there are no young children involved - and no hidden other person in the background. Separate houses can work - but not in this case I don't think. OP needs to move back into the small house ASAP and tell her husband to do one.

I see it stated over and over again on MN that a 50:50 share of children's time means no child maintenance is payable THIS ISN'T TRUE.

I thought this too till I got divorced. Our children split their time 50:50 and I still get significant CM despite working full time in a well paid job because my XH earns more than I do.

Please check the CMS website rather than relying on misinformation.

@Skittlesandbeer

I'd rent out the small house so he can afford to rent a bedsit nearer you. Get legal advice pronto, and he needs to go to relate alone or with you. Start divorce proceedings, say he has a month to sort himself out.
What has he told the children, why can't he have the baby at his mums, why doesn't she send him home? Wanker!

Oh gosh please get some legal advice before agreeing to anything

OP, here is what I would do.
Telephone moving companies 1st thing after the bank holiday (some may take calls Monday) and get the 1st moving slot you can. Move into that owned house. Don't give notice on the rental/inform your ex until you have done this. Change the locks before you inform ex.

Then you need to see a solicitor in the first appointment slot you can get and obtain an occupation order on the owned house. You may also need maintenance pending suit, depending on how difficult he becomes. Be aware that he may stop paying the mortgage in an attempt to "smoke you out".

You will need to move simultaneously and urgently on the above as - when he gets an idea that you wont do as you're told anymore- his plans will speed up quickly and become very apparent.

Ideally, you would be in that owned house this Tuesday evening, with a locksmith changing the locks as movers carry your belongings in the door.

Dont let him move into the family home and have "50/50" with the kids. It's a cynical plan to minimise your financial settlement and child maintenance and he has zero intention of actual 50/50 Dadding.

*a good solicitor

You seriously need legal advice-seems like he already has and is several steps ahead of you...and is being a wanker about it by pretending he is still interested in sorting things out when he’s not-I’m sorry to be blunt but that’s the truth of the matter. You need to protect yourself and your DC and their future-it’s him who has done this but you now need to be active in the process.

Jings woman get a lawyer. Do NOT agree to anything. I thought I was pretty clued up and I had a lawyer and I still got shafted. Even after I got a second lawyer! You need to make sure that you don't agree to what seem fair. Agree to what is best for you. Every single time

Oh and apply for child maintenance through CMS as soon as you've changed those locks, on the basis of the overnights he actually does not these theoretical overnights he's planning to do once he has his bottom sitting in the family home. 🤔🤨

Wow. Op please take the excellent advice you've been on here. And start job hunting immediately

His behaviour is sketchy as hell. Somebody who wanted space to think would move out for say a week and wouldn't be specifying 50/50 care of the kids. I suspect that his mind is made up and this dating and 50/50 crap is him biding time until things settle. I think that He wants to pay minimal maintenance, moving into the small flat is the cheapest way to move and dating you makes sure that he gets sex. He won't have to do 50% of the boring bits of family life and when he sees you you'll be dressed up, make up etc rather than normal comfy clothes that you wear at home,

If you proceed with this plan make sure that you don't end up giving him all of the weekends and you do the weekdays. Alternate weekends is fair. Make sure that his proposals of when he has the kids don't negatively impact them. No dropping off at 6am so you can take them to school and he can get to work at 8 (something my ex suggested)

If the house is big enough for him and the kids 50% of the time then you should consider moving in imo. No rental deposit etc

This is what my ex said, there was someone else. I'm so sorry op.

Oh love. Just saw your update about rented/owned property.

I agree with the very good advice here: don't wait and see what happens, don't give him any more time to organise, get yourself and the children into the owned house, right now. Whether he's doing this innocently or intentionally, he is putting you in a very, very vulnerable position where things could end up far worse for you than just losing him. He's no longer on your side, you must protect yourself.

And yes, be very cautious about agreeing to 50/50 at this point. For all sorts of reasons, including that he's fannying about not sure what he wants and is going to do and where he's going to live. The kids shouldn't experience instability because of it, it's about what is best for THEM in this very upsetting, confusing time of separation, not primarily about what he wants. And yes, that lets him opt out of paying you maintenance, and if he has the children in the owned family home he's in a strong position to keep it and stay there and you're the one who becomes homeless.

Sorry this is a trial separation by another name. Is it financially affordable for him to move out for 3 months say, he won't have kids overnight so he only needs a bedsit. At least I suppose he's being honest perhaps before it's too late - most of us have them simply are told that's it they are off. I wonder if dating is exclusive though?

Feel for you, it sucks doesn't it

So he gets the house and the children and a ‘new’ woman life, and you end up on benefits in rented accommodation with the baby?
Please follow the excellent advice here - it comes from expert knowledge and experience.

He is trying to completely fuck you over. Your marriage is over. There is very likely someone else that he'll wheel out after he gets his feet under the table in the house as 'just met her'.

But never mind that, you need to move back into that house asap without consulting him.

NO, to 50/50. PMSL at his idea of dropping them at yours to take to school. What a cunt.

He brings up 50/50 you just say, 'I'm doing just fine, thanks. Kids need time to adjust to the split.'

See a solicitor. He is trying to stitch you up. He's likely been online looking up how to bug out of paying maintenance and keep the family home whilst dropping your spouse.

He is not your friend and you cannot trust him.

Under no circumstances should you agree to any of this. Your marriage is over, he just hasn’t told you yet. Get yourself a lawyer and if you can, you should move back into the home you own. As a SAHM you would be putting yourself in an incredibly precarious position financially if you let him move into the home and he has the kids 50% of the time.

Don’t kid yourself that he’s telling the truth about wanting to date you, he could be doing that now but he isn’t. He isn’t trying to reconcile, he’s trying to shore up his housing situation and reach a custody arrangement. That’s not the behaviour of someone who is working on his marriage, that’s the behaviour of someone who has left it. I have no idea if he’s seeing someone else and tbh it doesn’t matter, what matters is that you don’t screw yourself over by believing his bullshit and agreeing to his suggestions.